So today I get a text at work from AH: "Not going to go to mom's bday thing. I told my boss about my drinking problem... I'll explain what's going to happen when I get home."
WTH? So this is the man for the 8 months that I have known about his alcoholism who won't seek help, won't take advantage of his work's substance abuse program, won't go to AA meetings? He had always said that he was afraid of being fired.
When I got home from work, I noticed his company truck wasn't in the driveway. Hmmmmm. According to AH, he had finally reached the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired... literally. I guess he had to pull over 6 times to vomit on the drive to work, and he feels so bad all the time, that he just doesn't want to "keep going" like this any longer. He just didn't care and he told his boss about his drinking. So the truck had to be removed from his service - for liability reasons - and AH says he is not fired. According to him, he needs to call his boss in the morning and find out what the next step is. What about getting paid, I asked? He told me he has 3-4 personal days available, and that his boss said their program only takes about a week.
OK. I know for a fact that any substance abuse program takes longer than a week. I immediately think that this is all a bunch of BS that he has concocted b/c he doesn't want to go to his families' party. But at the same time I think... but he no longer has his work truck...
"Are you sure your not fired, but you are afraid to tell me?" I ask. Because, honestly, it would be just like him to run with this story (but actually be fired) and get a new job and when he has secured that, finally admit the truth. He has done something very similar to this before.
"Nope, not fired... yet. But I am afraid of that."
So I swallow my fear and tell him that I am proud of him for taking that very scary step and I support him. My son and I go the party (have a great time) and when we get home, I could smell AH had been drinking.
So I am sitting here on my 'puter, reading all that I can to glean some strength from all you good people. This may be his "bottom." He may be able to get help and keep his job, and not garner that big of a blip to his paycheck. Then again, I have been burnt before by his "stories." I hope that my sitting here letting go of any expectations on this is a sign of my program strength and not that I just don't care about him anymore. I can feel the fear of not having his income pulling at my brain...I am trying to stay focused on this board and all the good ESH being shared, so that I don't panic... I have so much debt. So much of AH's medical debt... and I just agreed to a $1800.00 surgery my beloved Boxer needs to remove and treat her cancer (on CareCredit of course) - this was 2 days ago.
Tonight I am feeling overwhelmed. One Day At A Time is not working for me. Yesterday I broke down in tears and admitted to my mom that after 29 years of marriage,I want out. I just can't go on with him. Now this.
I think that I have to move to One Moment At A Time.
You know that saying that 'God only gives you as much as you can bear?' Well, I wish that he didn't think that I was so strong... b/c I don't feel strong at the moment, and I am really tired of being the one to pull all the weight in my life.
Thank you for listening. Tomorrow's a new day, right?
el-cee said
Aug 2, 2017
Sounds like maybe you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Maybe this is your bottom. It's a painful merry go round to be on but you always have choices. I truly hope you manage to step off. It sounds like he has not got to his bottom not if he was still drinking. This disease makes liars out of people. It's a powerful disease. Waiting on a bottom from anyone is a waste of precious time because it may never come. Living with a drinker is too much for most of us. It's ok to make decisions for you and your son that will improve your life. Your not responsible for your husband who is a grown man living his own fully self centred and selfish life as is the nature of this disease. You don't have to live this way with him. Ask yourself why you are putting up with this. The answer I found was that I was as addicted to him and the chaos and drama as he was to the bevy. There was some harsh truths for me but facing them set me free. Life is meant to be lived with happiness and joy and you are entitled to a good life that is up to you to get. Theres alwats consequences and its important to protect yourself from the inevitable consequences. Having plan b and c will help you have peace.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 2, 2017
Big hugs .. the financial stuff is hard. It helped me to focus on what is and not wander around in what is not. I completely understand about being fed stories bits and pieces at a time. I kind of go with God shows me when I can handle it vs when I want the information especially going with the whole God gives you what he believes you can handle mentality. There was a lot I could not in that moment. The God of my understanding really had my back. If I did the foot work things sort themselves out. Prayers to your ah and your family I know it's not easy. biggest thing keep your program and your HP vey close. Big hugs.
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Wednesday 2nd of August 2017 10:24:40 AM
girlinthisworld said
Aug 2, 2017
Whilst he may actually have told his boss about his drinking problem, I don't think any recovery problem will be able to truly help him in just one week. It seems like he knows he has a problem and should get help for it but may not be fully committed to it as of yet.
Sit him down when he's sober and talk to him about it, find out more details about the recovery programme and try to get a sense if he's serious about it.
KT2015 said
Aug 2, 2017
Hi PnP
I have had my hopes up about my AH changing his behaviour, hitting bottom, seeking help and then had them dashed enough times to learn the lesson that I need to keep the focus on myself regardless of what he is doing or not doing. I know that is a lot easier said than done but little by little making myself and my needs a priority helped me do that. When I focus on my AH and what he is going to do or not do then my life is unmanageable. So I have to work step one two and three. Admit I am powerless (over good or bad outcomes for my AH), believe that my HP can manage it, and hand it over to my HP. This then frees me up to think about what I need right now. I reached a point a while ago where I felt like I wanted to leave and felt anxious about what finances would look like for me if I did that. I decided that a good way to take care of me was to explore it. I started to look at things like cost of housing for my own place, what we might get for the sale of our house, how far my paycheque would go, what would be my back up plan, how much child support would be etc etc. I talked to a close friend who had recently divorced her AH and she was able to help me explore it. It was hard because I had to accept the possibility of changes in my life and lifestyle but it turned out not to be as bad as I thought. I developed a plan B and I have a lot of pieces of the puzzle figured out. And once I had a clear picture I felt like I had choices and options. I didn't feel so "trapped" with him as I did before. Now I really feel like I am making a choice to stay and I take my relationship with my AH one day at a time. I love him but I don't "need" him and that is a freeing feeling for me. You are going to be fine no matter what happens with him. Just keep taking care of yourself and your son and keep working the program you will know what is best for you.
Bo said
Aug 2, 2017
PnP -- I am sorry this is going on and that you are going through this. As much as slogans, catch phrases, etc., have always been valuable tools -- and I don't trivialize them at all -- for me, it is always the methodology, thinking, mindset, etc., behind them that the solutions exist. That is where I have found recovery.
That being said, in my experience, it's often a natural reaction to think "is this rock bottom" -- and the very next thought is "now he/she will get better" so to speak. It is either a hope, expectation, question, or whatever you want to call it. It's like that first breath of fresh air after not having any. It is almost like euphoria -- and I remember it well. Every single time something major happened, and my AW even referenced "never again" or "I can't do this any more" or anything at all that was even remotely in the same universe as she hit rock bottom, or she wants to get better, or she's had enough -- I immediately felt that amazing feeling that now she will finally get clean and sober. Expectations -- they can be the boulevard of broken dreams. Aside from that -- the disappointment, the feelings that resulted -- were a killer.
And that is where I realized what the real problem was -- and that was -- me! It was my thinking, my expectations, my wanting it so bad, and so on. However, I knew better. But I still couldn't help it. What I had to do was turn back to and immerse myself in acceptance and detachment. She had to want to get better. I couldn't want it more than her, and even though I did, that didn't matter! She was only going to stop, get clean and sober, WHEN and IF SHE wanted to. And there was nothing I could do about that. I also had to detach from what was going on at that moment, the drama, chaos, turmoil, the back and forth, and so on. I had to let her figure it out on her own. If it was rock bottom, so be it, but she still had to be the one to not only hit rock bottom but then decide what she wanted to do about it. The more I tried to figure out if this was rock bottom, the more I drove myself crazy. It was an emotional roller-coaster. It was devastating.
This too may be your rock bottom. It was for me. I was an ATM machine, giving our a never ending supply of money, offers of love, and a never ending supply of "one more chance" -- and I got sicker and more unhealthy. So, for me, it was my rock bottom. And, nothing changes if nothing changes. That is for you, about you and with you. My rock bottom was no longer trying to figure out if this time was her rock bottom and the waiting and hoping that she would get better. But I knew...I knew...I could get better whether she did or not. So, that was my rock bottom and I decided to end the marriage. It was because I no longer wanted to live my life that way. I no longer wanted to live that kind of life. I no longer wanted to be in that kind of life and world. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Spike up your meetings. Talk to your sponsor, a lot if need be. Focus on you. Don't fall into the trap of projecting, what if, he keeps his job, loses his job, goes away, doesn't, and so on. You are doing the right thing letting go of all expectations, and keep doing more -- detaching, letting go, not projecting, focusing on you. You are doing it and keep doing it. Many who have gone through this before, are here for you. Know that, use that.
Keep coming back.
Iamhere said
Aug 2, 2017
PnP - so glad that you came here and shared - fears, hopes, etc. - in my recovery, often just 'dumping' my thoughts, fears, etc. helps lift part of the burden. What I know about my own recovery is that each time I let my focus slip from me, I began the unhealthy thinking, feeling, acting cycle again. I did this for a long, long while and finally accepted how powerless I was over other people, places and things. From that point forward, each time I wanted to open my mouth, I reached out to my sponsor first. If she did not answer, I did not ask questions nor even inquire beyond "How was your day?"
I was one who truly wanted a crystal ball to 'see' what the future held and what was going to happen next. This is NOT recovery. This is still MY WILL and me trying to direct the future and the future outcomes. It is only when I surrendered and let others 'go' that I began to heal. Money issues, children issues, carpool issues, job issues, repair issues, car issues, etc. all were addressed in time. Speaking for myself and our family, it had been a long while of chaos, neglect, etc. and even when I thought I was supermom, superwoman, super-anything - I could not fix years of mayhem and undone chores in short order.
We are asked to put us first. My sponsor told me that when I felt my mind slipping from the moment, I should take a walk, take a bath, read some literature, go to a meeting, etc. In my 'way of life', I did not understand how in the world anything like 'that' would help with the issues/problems, etc. of my life yet it did. Minute by minute, moment by moment I became willing to let others fall or fail and just focus on me - my mental, physical, spiritual health. I also put myself in front of my children because they had lived with a crazy woman (me) who was a perfectionist, always worried, never smiling, forever talking, questioning, grilling, coaching, counseling - I am certain it was frightening for them to recall 'me' - they say now I was far worse than my AH. He just got drunk and faded out while I went crazy because of another's actions/choices.
He may/may not be employed. He may/may not go to treatment. It may/may not be long enough. He may/may not stop drinking. All these 'things' that are troubling you and robbing you of your joy are unknowns. You most certainly can live one moment at a time - whatever works for you....part of that strategy that helps me is to just keep reminding myself that in this moment, I am typing on my computer and I am OK.
It also helped me greatly to know I was not alone. Other people, in and not in recovery have financial issues, car issues, etc. It's not what I had hoped for, but I knew there was another side as many shared their ESH with me. Know you are not alone and there is always hope and help in recovery. Sending you tons of thoughts and prayers!
Jaeger said
Aug 2, 2017
PnP,
I know that helpless feeling well. I will pray that your AH has reached his bottom. When my RAH finally admitted he had a problem he started attending AA. I begged him to go to rehab, we have insurance that would pay for it!! He refused. I was heartbroken and never thought it would last. He celebrated 2 yrs of sobriety last month. It's a good reminder to me to stay in my own lane and worry about my own program. Focus on you and your son and you will be ok!
2HP said
Aug 2, 2017
PNP: "You know that saying that 'God only gives you as much as you can bear?' Well, I wish that he didn't think that I was so strong... b/c I don't feel strong at the moment, and I am really tired of being the one to pull all the weight in my life."
I love that you bring this up (((hugs))) I used to wonder about God's motives as well, shaking my fist at the sky... swearing like a sailor... I'd argue that people have ended up institutionalized... and committing suicide so OBVIOUSLY God gave them more than they could handle.
My sponsor was quick to correct me. She said,
"They tried to do it alone. Alone, they failed to tap into a power GREATER than themselves."
LET GO AND LET GOD is the first slogan I ever practiced, a simultaneous decision to LET GO of fear and worry (which do nothing to help anyway, only stir up helplessness and hopelessness in me) and instead, focus on the One who has all power, the One who owns the entire universe... LETTING GOD energy wash over me.
I have numerous ways of doing this, meetings where I put my focus on solutions... (I also connected with others who were just like me. And when I was going through what you are going through, the fellowship lead me to job connections and legal support, etc.... God knew what I needed and brought it to me, all I had to do was show up.)
I also began the practice of walking walking walking... some of that fearful energy in me needed dissipating, like letting the steam off. While walking, I began to notice and appreciate nature, which I began to feel as God's soothing medicine.
I also began my meditation practice, sitting quiet and still. It began with 5 minutes a day and felt like me detaching FROM ME and my problems, to attach to thoughts of God instead. I took a class so that I could understand meditation better and take recovery deeper.
And of course, reading reading reading our literature because again, I needed a substitute for the fireworks going off in my head. It became an opportunity to focus on the Light of recovery.
I was told that every moment I get to decide what I'm going to put in my head, fear or faith in God and program. In the beginning, it worked so well to fill my head in these ways. One day while attending a meeting during the time I was going through my divorce.... I was all smiles and I told the members I was feeling "wonderfully floaty today." they all smiled with me. Nothing outside of me had changed, I was still facing divorce from the man who I was financially dependent upon....
Years later, I discovered that it wasn't actually my alcoholic husband taking care of me, it was God all along. It's been 8 years since my divorce and God continues to take care of me in the way He always has and always will.
I just wanted to chime in to say that this program works. Keep doing the things that have worked well for you, while letting go of what isn't working. Choose peace again and again and it will become your reality (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 2nd of August 2017 01:18:31 PM
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 2, 2017
I am crying as I write this... thank you all for your kind words of support.
Today my AH's job let him go. According to AH (which I always take with a grain of salt), tomorrow he has to go in to the office and turn all his stuff in... computer, cell phone, keys etc. At that time, his boss said he will give him the company's substance abuse information and If he is clean in 6 months, they will rehire him. He will set AH up with COBRA.
Now, I am not sure how one can use the company program when they are no longer a part of the company. And, I know we won't be able to afford COBRA. Period.
I told my AH that once he is finished with this appointment, he needs to go straight to unemployment and apply. I just made the rent payment, so we have 1 month in our home. That's it.
I also tried to be supportive and told him that is sounds like as long as you follow their rehab program, your job is willing to rehire you... but it has to come from within you. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN DO THIS.
I went on to say that we've been through this before (with his Meth addiction) and we'll get through this too. But I am having serious doubts myself. I told him that it is of utmost importance that he gets unemployment b/c this go 'round is a bit different. Last time, I kicked him out and he went into a state-run rehab. I was self-employed (so limited income) and b/c he was out of the house and in rehab, he had nothing to give to the marriage as support. So I was able to apply for state help, and my parents paid our rent. Now he is still in the home with unemployment benefits and I am not going to ask my aging parents to pony up for the rent anymore.
I feel like I am spinning out of control.
Perhaps I have hit MY BOTTOM.
hotrod said
Aug 2, 2017
((PNP)) This is unsettling news. I have found that HP works in mysterious ways and when it appears darkest if I choose "Faith" i am never disappointed.
In a similar situation I remembered the song" When you walk through a Storm " and would sing it to myself when I became fearful . It helped tremendously-- The words: " Walk on walk on with Hope in your heart and you will never walk alone" inspired me onward
Sending positive thoughts and prayers
SerenityRUS said
Aug 2, 2017
Hugs PNP,
My vote is just keep taking care of you .. what Betty has shared is what got me through the darkest of times. I found my faith. Faith to me is whatever gets you through the day/night .. keep moving forward.
As scary as this is right this second things can have a way of working out better than the S plan .. so try to surrender .. in surrendering I found I had options .. it is sooo important. That didn't mean I sat around waiting for things to happen .. I did do some footwork. Are you sure you wouldn't qualify for some additional benefits. Don't be shy about reaching out for whatever help YOU need. You don't need to do for your AH .. you do need to do for you and your family. You may qualify for food stamps if he's on u/e.
Try to breathe, sending prayers and hugs your way.
S :)
KT2015 said
Aug 2, 2017
PnP I am so sorry to hear this. Please take care of yourself and your son. You will get through this. We are here for you.
Aline said
Aug 2, 2017
Hugs, (((Pnp))). Prayers and well-wishes your way.
mamalioness said
Aug 2, 2017
I am reading your post, and I do NOT see HIM hitting bottom, but i do see maybe YOU hitting it??? Like how many times does one go to the well and it finally runs dry and change must occur.....I've been on this horrid ride and its up and down up and down...hope then despair hope then despair, and I finally hit MY bottom in 2000 and I was DONE!!! Done with alcoholics, Done with the instability, Done with the BS, done with the financial crises.......I get it..financially its a hit...yea, it is, but ya know??? what good is money gonna be if you have a breakdown??? I came close to that, so I know...this guy is an adult...He wants to drink?? thats his choice.....but remember..nothing changes if nothing changes and the change for you has to come from you.....I would get into more meetings and work with a sponsor or recovery mate and find out WHY the heck am I still doing this???? IF you leave or stay, thats up to you, but I would be getting my finances separate if they already are not protecting my assets...maybe a visit to a lawyer to find out your rights, etc....have a plan and a back up plan for yourself...its obvious that he is wanting to drink....and if so, his job is gone anyway...then you will have an unemployed drunk and if they put that on his record?? why he is terminated??? which they can...then hes in big $$$ trouble re: finding another job...AND , the cycle will go on and on...trust me, my AH#1 went through more jobs, then couldn't find work because "word spreads" and i was gone, anyway, but thats what I would have been living with had I stayed....an unemployed and drinking WORSE alcoholic.....this disease is awful...unless they completely surrender to AA and work it, there just isn't any hope of things getting better.....gee I hate to put it that way, but it is what it is.............HUGS of support..
-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 2nd of August 2017 10:50:49 PM
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 3, 2017
Thank you, Betty and Serenity... it is what I needed to hear to keep myself upright and moving forward. Love you both!
KT and ALine - thank you both for your support... it means so much to know that I can come here and feel strong through you.
Mamalioness - Yea, I hear ya. I feel that I have hit my rock bottom. I am fighting the feeling that everyone will feel like I have kicked my hubby in the you know what's while he is at his lowest. And I know that many of you will say it's not about what they think of you or how you are treating HIM. It is about your sanity and your feelings only. It's just so hard after 29 years to kick him to the curb after he's been fired and has 0 prospects.
I came home from work today to find him bawling his eyes out in the bedroom. He's obviously been doing that a long time. After some prodding, I found out that he is feeling the repercussions from all his work-mates. He was bawling b/c he felt so bad for letting THEM down. I must say, I let that get under my skin, and made it all about me and my son... b/c I was miffed that we weren't getting these crocodile tears... it was like a slap in the face that he cared more for those co-workers than his wife and son!
Upon retrospect, I let it get personal. Of course he has all this guilt for them... he's been living with alcohol and us for 8 months... longer if you count the period of time I had no clue. So he's been taking advantage of this good thing. His co-workers on the other hand, all thought he was the bomb! Month after month he made the company tons of money... it was the only place he was getting any self-worth probably.
I did apologize to him for taking it personally and acting ticked off. I felt it was the right thing to do. This would not have happened 9 months ago. This insight is because of Al-Anon. And even though my AH speaks the name with disdain, it has been a GodSend for me!
I am currently trying to keep panic at bay.... little income, loss of rental, loss of health insurance...but trying to live each moment at a time. I used Bo's "trick" today... what is my very next task, and then doing that with laser precision... and then the next, and the next, then it was time for work. AT work I feel at peace. Once I left work, I could feel the panic rising in my throat. So what's the next thing? Purchase cat food.... check! Go get gas.... check! Get dinner on the table.... check! It seems to work.
I think that I will still see if I can qualify for SNAP benefits... that can help tremendously. Thanks Serenity, for bringing that up!
mamalioness said
Aug 3, 2017
panic cannot happen if you are "pre-occupied" with doing the "next right thing" When I am facing a scary time in life...job change...lost my Doctor now going to, in Oct. to a new one...I had so much crap happen to me since Dec., when one of my jobs went down because the poor client got killed in a car wreck..it was one thing after another...I felt like i was under psychic attack, it was so bad....but the way i kept my head above water was to focus on the RIGHT NOW...do the NEXT RIGHT THING.....i even made a list.....today...work...go to grocery store...(made my list of what to get) I just kept me in the moment, FORCED me to stay in the moment by narrating to myself what I am doing right now...like I am in the shower...Oh the water is just right, I am grabbing my loofa spongue and I feel the sudsy body wash as I wash me and I asked myself, during my narration, what do I see??lots of soap suds and water, what do I hear?? shower going Pshhhhh down on me...gurgling down the drain....what do I smell?? the nice smell of my body wash....and on....and I felt peaceful because my mind cannot race and intrusive thoughts cannot enter if I am pre-occupied with what I am doing RIGHT NOW.....Its a certainty....scary, intrusive, panicky thoughts cannot enter a busy and focused mine that is really in the exact moment....when I was at work, I would be so focused, nothing bothered me....get home?? and I would be a wreck, so I thought "i can do it at work---gonna do it off work" and it works....doing the NEXT right thing...and REEEELY focus on that right thing until it is done......then onto the NEXT right thing until that is done........Creator and universe can come in and work on guidance if you are detached from the obsessing, fear, panic, etc.....when you are focused on your next right thing, your mind is free from the problem and good energy can work on it............. Also, there has to be benefits you can apply for if finances go south.......Its time to take care of you....meets...sponsor...step work....mindful practice...practicing the slogans and staying in the exact moment...there ARE things you can do if you take the focus off him and put it back where it belongs.....on YOU!!! You can do this.....sending LOADS of good energy
Jerry F said
Aug 3, 2017
I just love was Jaeger responded because that is what works and what worked for me. "Get the Hell out of HP's way and let the miracle happen" was what I was told and I worked that for all it was worth and while my marriage did not last HP used my alcoholic/addict as the metaphor and example of humility (being teachable) for my recovery and I could not be more grateful. That was only one of the miracles I received in recovery. When it was all said and done she and I parted soul mates and very happy for each other. This works when you work it. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Jayla said
Aug 3, 2017
I'm so sorry this is happening to you PnP. (((Hugs))) I hope you will be able to find the next right thing for yourself and your family and get some support.
el-cee said
Aug 3, 2017
This disease is cunning right enough. The drinker loses his job. Most likely the correct higher power driven course of events. The consequence of this is swiftly swept up by you. You will most likely be the one to find out and apply for and worry over money, feeding the family, paying the rent. So the lesson for the drinker is clear. He doesn't really have to feel the real pain of his actions someone else will sort it out. He gets to remain babyfied. You on the other hand get to be the controller and fixer. You said you don't want to kick him when hes down. If there are people who need to be kicked when their down its an active fully blown chaotic alcoholic. It's probably the best thing that could ever happen to him. If you pick up these pieces then do it with clarity. He doesn't need your help. He needs you to set an example and save yourself and your son. This crisis in your life is a nudge or a big giant slap and the slaps keep coming until you get sick of being sick.
mamalioness said
Aug 3, 2017
he is now reaping what he is sowing and will continue to reap, job loss, chaos, disaster, etc., until he gets into recovery and literally re-sets his life...till then?? things will continue to go south for him and anyone attached and connected to him.....I saw where you might have said that you didn't want to dump him when he is down?? well if people did that to my alcoholic brother, he would not be "just above the abyss" thinking he had no problems....sometimes these people NEED to be kicked to the curb, let go, left to suffer the consequences and MAYBE they will get help, but if folks keep cleaning up their messes, enabling them, then they are gonna think "well I still got her, still got this and that, I don't have a problem" and the beat will go on and on and on...this is the way with my brother...his BMF will NOT stop enabling him, picking up after his messes, so he goes on and on and on with the drinking and disasters...in HIS warped mind , because his best buddy keeps picking up after him, he doesn't think he is "that bad" ....the best thing you can do for him is to let him reeeeely hit rock bottom, with you out of the way, and MAYBE just maybe he will be sick of being in the gutter and do something .......meantime??? I see your HP loving you enough to let this crisis happen to illustrate to you, that this is the story of your life, unless you change you....nothing changes unless SOME thing changes and that change has to be by you for you and your son who needs you.......you got some great ESH here, I would read and re-read this post , every time I doubted myself in doing the right thing by me and my son.......I think, I know you know what the next right thing is and I do hope you take care of you and your son....the best gift you can give to the alcoholic is to let him hit the pavement and hopefully he bounces off the pavement and into recovery...but it is not within your power to make him get help....when life smashes him down bad enough, MAYBE he will get help....One can hope because if he keeps up drinking, and you are still there, picking up the pieces, you will be his end life care nurse because the booze was more important to him then life was...and caring for a dying alcoholic is an ugly experience...I know!!! I was young and, with my younger siblings, got stuck with my "drinking herself to death" mother when sire moved in with his g.f. and left us kids with this woman who refused to get help, so we had to watch her die.....I would never go through that again...I would walk away and let their HP step in........Just saying---------HUGS of support.....
Iamhere said
Aug 3, 2017
(((PnP))) - sending huge hugs to you.....and to your AH. I can vividly remember when I started loosing things because of the disease. I wasn't concerned about loosing my family because there is that 'thing' in your head that suggests family will always be there - and then they were not. Hitting bottom for an alcoholic is so personal and so necessary - recovery is totally dependent upon it.
I too heard early on to just get out of the way and let HP in to do what should be next. For us, focusing on what they will/will not do adds to or creates the panic. Focusing on what we can do instead makes the difference in my life between a good peaceful day and a bad/mediocre day. I am reminded that more will be revealed and it's so very, very true.
Keep your head up, take good care of you and keep doing what you are doing - the next right thing whatever that may be. Allow him the space, dignity and ability to do what he wants/needs to do - all answers will come. Keep coming back!!
SerenityRUS said
Aug 3, 2017
Hugs PNP,
I hope today finds things more settled. When my X first left I gave myself permission to lick my wounds for a specific amount of time and then *push* (Pray Until Something Happens) through the day and I had *hope* (Hold On Pain Ends). That time became less and less however I want you to know that time is absolutely necessary for me to process. That also meant I went to more meetings (I did open AA because of the lack of Alanon meetings) and I spent more time with my sponsor. I started to see my choices and in finding my choices I found my voice. You are allowed to be angry, hurt, sad, and even have a moment of pity party provided you don't stay for the after party. You don't know HP's long term plan for you and I have learned the hard way sometimes and I have my sponsors voice ringing in my ears with what my oldest is enduring at the moment .. my plan is not the good plan .. God's plan is. She's 18 not 81 and has her whole life whatever that means because I believe she's going to be used for a purpose.
My XAH left in January .. I didn't file until May 2012. So just because you make a decision doesn't mean you have to act on anything because more will be revealed .. he sent the message sometimes at least he was done .. I had my own journey to get there even after I filed .. had I not been taking care of me I would have been a NIGHTMARE!!! I was already a hot mess .. LOL. Looking back you know I made good choices and not so good choices .. all I can do is keep moving forward. Guess what my XAH survived .. crazy at times .. however he's come out the other side in my case it was not together with me and trust me I deserved better than what he could give me.
With what is going on with my kid I have someone in my life who is present with me. Asking me what I need from him emotionally, telling me it's safe to cry, telling me I can borrow his strength. Holding my daughter's hand in the ER. Reassuring her it's going to be ok. Telling her how special she is. My X could not do that for her on any level. He would not know how to handle that much emotional closeness. If I forced open the if you insist door my life today would be VERY different.
So just for today .. take care of you and let the God of your understanding take care of everything else. HP has the better plan over the long term whatever that is.
Trust the process.
Hugs S :)
KT2015 said
Aug 3, 2017
Great Share Serenity thank you for that!
Take care of YOU. Worry about what YOU think and not what other's will think. You are entitled to feel the way you feel. It's not wrong to be angry. It's not wrong to be distressed. I have no ESH to share with this particular situation. I hope you find some peace for yourself and let your AH and his HP figure out what is best for him. HUGS!
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 3, 2017
This thread is keeping me sane, so thank you to all who either share their ESH or support!
My AH and I had some pretty frank discussions last night... (he was sober) and one thing was very interesting... When I told him we should sit down with our son and let him know what's going on (b/c he already knows SOMETHING is going on), my husband balked and said he didn't want to tell our son that his dad lost his job because of drinking. He said he wants to say, "I lost my job because of too many missed days." I said why, it's the truth? He said he already feels about 2 inches tall and he doesn't want his son to think of his dad as "his alkie father lost his job." Inside my head I was screaming, THAT SHIP HAS ALREADY SAILED, BUDDY! LOL!
I then told him that our son is now 17, almost an adult and he DESERVES the truth... he is not five. Again, my AH talked about our son's perception of HIM. I then told him, well KID is extremely smart...he can put two and two together... lying to him will just lower you in his eyes. I then told him that unless he can 100% honest with this, then he is not ready to recover... denial and avoidance are the hallmarks of his disease. Of course he disagreed and got angry at that observation.
I then went on to explain that for 8 months our perception of AH is MUCH different than AH's perception of himself and this situation. You might've been able to fool your co-workers, but here the disease was VERY evident, and most of the time you have no recollection of how you acted, what you said, or how you treated us!!
That statement was an eye-opener for him, I could tell. But in the end, he was still focused on HIM. So even though I am in crisis mode, and he is acting like he is in crisis, I am getting the ol' spidey sense that if he had the choice between a free rehab opportunity and a new job opportunity, he will not pick recovery. I may be wrong...he may surprise me.
I think as many have shared with me, that this is probably MY bottom... but not his.
I am waiting for the next right thing to reveal itself. I was able to pick up working weekends at my job...at least for a couple weekends. Working 7 days a week will be hard on me...but it won't be forever.
mamalioness said
Aug 3, 2017
Dear Serenity, I really liked what you had to say...Thank you
mamalioness said
Aug 3, 2017
Posies....I know the going is REEEELY rough right now, but my favorite slogan in times like this is---------keep the focus on me--------This too shall pass--One day at a time...........ok, i lied..favorite SLOGANS (plural) but you get my drift....if you can just mentally walk away from him and focus on you and your son who needs you, just keep leaning on your program, (this is when its good to have a sponsor or trusted recovery mate) but lean on US, HERE, but get into the meets, work the steps, write out a list what your options are in this and LOOK at it...when you are by yourself. just do a list, ----problem----options for solution-----what is the BEST and NEXT right thing to do......If I break it down into chunks and make little mental or written lists, I do better...like a game plan....and it forces me to focus on me...NOT the drinker....and his son is not fooled, I am sure, by now...they know!! and your AH is leaving a legacy of not only the disease of drinking/getting drunk, but irresponsibility , losing jobs, lying and covering up, boy what a nice training for the kid......soooo sad, but you can do this....I see strength in you.....I see a resolve.....Hey!!! you made it this far with all the drama and chaos, you can go a bit further and THIS pain will be productive.....not the empty, grinding, *get nothing out of it* pain you are getting now.............Just saying..............IN SUPPORT
Aline said
Aug 3, 2017
I wish you strength, PnP, take good care of yourself, especially while working 7 days a week. Serenity, I really love the HOPE and PUSH, seems like these may come in handy.
Iamhere said
Aug 3, 2017
(((PnP))) - I too wish you strength. I agree the extra work will be hard yet it will also give you time away from the center of the storm. I hope one day you look back and see 'this' was the next right thing and perhaps exactly what was needed.
I remember taking a 'soft skills' training class many moons ago for executive training. I still have the book - it pops in my head often - Personal Perceptions are that Person's Reality. My point - it is really easy for an alcoholic to see themselves different than others see them. This applies and reaches well beyond an alcoholic. Until one truly feels the ramifications of their own actions, they see no reason to change.
Keep doing you as best you can. Use the tools as best you can. Know that you aren't alone and trust the process. (((Hugs)))
MizzB said
Aug 10, 2017
PNP I hope one day to have your calmness and insight. My partner has also gone through many jobs and each time he loses on I wonder whether it is the alcohol or whether it is due to the story he tells me. He lies and tells half truths so much I never know what to believe. He's just started a new job but has already had 2 days off sick because of alcohol (in 3 weeks) and it amazes me how the industry he works in puts up with that as it would never happen in my industry. As a result of him being out of work for 10 weeks to "get himself sorted" (which worked well because as soon as he got a new job he had to drink to "fit in" - always an excuse) I have supported him the whole time. Luckily due to a previous bad relationship, everything is in my name and the only thing I'll lose when I finally get rid of him is the sofa and TV. I share your fear of financial hit (expensive vets bills from dog that just died) and work a second job in summer to make sure I ahve some savings "just in case". And because of this I end up enabling him - I make sure he's up in the morning so he doesn't lose his job by being late. I know I shouldn't but his unemployment impacts on me and I'm too much of a softie to see him homeless. Although I'm hardening up pretty damn quickly as he uses my flat as a hotel at the moment and then treats me with indifference or distain. Anyway, sorry for ranting. I admire your strength in sharing and I admire your calm approach to this crisis and I admire your ability to have done this for 29 years. Take care of yourself. You are so strong.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 10, 2017
MizzB - Please don't ever say, "I'm sorry for ranting." I feel that most of the time, this is the only place (besides F2F meetings) that a person with an alcoholic spouse CAN say what's in their heart and not be judged, or worry what their children might think, etc., etc. Many times, it is too emotional to share in a F2F, so I value this forum SO much!
You know, my calmness is really hanging by a thread, to be honest. But it is the ESH and the reminders of tools that I get here on this forum that is making me feel calm when their is a sh*! storm all around me! LOL!
I am sorry you are living this life as well. Please accept my condolences on the death of your furbaby... they bring so much joy to our lives... especially it seems, when you do live in a chaotic life!
To be fair to my spouse, I know I had at least 10 wonderful years with him. Then issues with PTSD and self-medicating with Meth (that led to addiction) and now alcoholism took what remains... sad.
Odd thing is, he used meth much longer than the alcohol, but his life spiraled so much faster with the alcohol... both in terms of functioning and his health!
Be kind to yourself... we are all doing the best we can!
So today I get a text at work from AH: "Not going to go to mom's bday thing. I told my boss about my drinking problem... I'll explain what's going to happen when I get home."
WTH? So this is the man for the 8 months that I have known about his alcoholism who won't seek help, won't take advantage of his work's substance abuse program, won't go to AA meetings? He had always said that he was afraid of being fired.
When I got home from work, I noticed his company truck wasn't in the driveway. Hmmmmm. According to AH, he had finally reached the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired... literally. I guess he had to pull over 6 times to vomit on the drive to work, and he feels so bad all the time, that he just doesn't want to "keep going" like this any longer. He just didn't care and he told his boss about his drinking. So the truck had to be removed from his service - for liability reasons - and AH says he is not fired. According to him, he needs to call his boss in the morning and find out what the next step is. What about getting paid, I asked? He told me he has 3-4 personal days available, and that his boss said their program only takes about a week.
OK. I know for a fact that any substance abuse program takes longer than a week. I immediately think that this is all a bunch of BS that he has concocted b/c he doesn't want to go to his families' party. But at the same time I think... but he no longer has his work truck...
"Are you sure your not fired, but you are afraid to tell me?" I ask. Because, honestly, it would be just like him to run with this story (but actually be fired) and get a new job and when he has secured that, finally admit the truth. He has done something very similar to this before.
"Nope, not fired... yet. But I am afraid of that."
So I swallow my fear and tell him that I am proud of him for taking that very scary step and I support him. My son and I go the party (have a great time) and when we get home, I could smell AH had been drinking.
So I am sitting here on my 'puter, reading all that I can to glean some strength from all you good people. This may be his "bottom." He may be able to get help and keep his job, and not garner that big of a blip to his paycheck. Then again, I have been burnt before by his "stories." I hope that my sitting here letting go of any expectations on this is a sign of my program strength and not that I just don't care about him anymore. I can feel the fear of not having his income pulling at my brain...I am trying to stay focused on this board and all the good ESH being shared, so that I don't panic... I have so much debt. So much of AH's medical debt... and I just agreed to a $1800.00 surgery my beloved Boxer needs to remove and treat her cancer (on CareCredit of course) - this was 2 days ago.
Tonight I am feeling overwhelmed. One Day At A Time is not working for me. Yesterday I broke down in tears and admitted to my mom that after 29 years of marriage,I want out. I just can't go on with him. Now this.
I think that I have to move to One Moment At A Time.
You know that saying that 'God only gives you as much as you can bear?' Well, I wish that he didn't think that I was so strong... b/c I don't feel strong at the moment, and I am really tired of being the one to pull all the weight in my life.
Thank you for listening. Tomorrow's a new day, right?
Big hugs .. the financial stuff is hard. It helped me to focus on what is and not wander around in what is not. I completely understand about being fed stories bits and pieces at a time. I kind of go with God shows me when I can handle it vs when I want the information especially going with the whole God gives you what he believes you can handle mentality. There was a lot I could not in that moment. The God of my understanding really had my back. If I did the foot work things sort themselves out. Prayers to your ah and your family I know it's not easy. biggest thing keep your program and your HP vey close. Big hugs.
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Wednesday 2nd of August 2017 10:24:40 AM
Sit him down when he's sober and talk to him about it, find out more details about the recovery programme and try to get a sense if he's serious about it.
I have had my hopes up about my AH changing his behaviour, hitting bottom, seeking help and then had them dashed enough times to learn the lesson that I need to keep the focus on myself regardless of what he is doing or not doing. I know that is a lot easier said than done but little by little making myself and my needs a priority helped me do that. When I focus on my AH and what he is going to do or not do then my life is unmanageable. So I have to work step one two and three. Admit I am powerless (over good or bad outcomes for my AH), believe that my HP can manage it, and hand it over to my HP. This then frees me up to think about what I need right now. I reached a point a while ago where I felt like I wanted to leave and felt anxious about what finances would look like for me if I did that. I decided that a good way to take care of me was to explore it. I started to look at things like cost of housing for my own place, what we might get for the sale of our house, how far my paycheque would go, what would be my back up plan, how much child support would be etc etc. I talked to a close friend who had recently divorced her AH and she was able to help me explore it. It was hard because I had to accept the possibility of changes in my life and lifestyle but it turned out not to be as bad as I thought. I developed a plan B and I have a lot of pieces of the puzzle figured out. And once I had a clear picture I felt like I had choices and options. I didn't feel so "trapped" with him as I did before. Now I really feel like I am making a choice to stay and I take my relationship with my AH one day at a time. I love him but I don't "need" him and that is a freeing feeling for me. You are going to be fine no matter what happens with him. Just keep taking care of yourself and your son and keep working the program you will know what is best for you.
That being said, in my experience, it's often a natural reaction to think "is this rock bottom" -- and the very next thought is "now he/she will get better" so to speak. It is either a hope, expectation, question, or whatever you want to call it. It's like that first breath of fresh air after not having any. It is almost like euphoria -- and I remember it well. Every single time something major happened, and my AW even referenced "never again" or "I can't do this any more" or anything at all that was even remotely in the same universe as she hit rock bottom, or she wants to get better, or she's had enough -- I immediately felt that amazing feeling that now she will finally get clean and sober. Expectations -- they can be the boulevard of broken dreams. Aside from that -- the disappointment, the feelings that resulted -- were a killer.
And that is where I realized what the real problem was -- and that was -- me! It was my thinking, my expectations, my wanting it so bad, and so on. However, I knew better. But I still couldn't help it. What I had to do was turn back to and immerse myself in acceptance and detachment. She had to want to get better. I couldn't want it more than her, and even though I did, that didn't matter! She was only going to stop, get clean and sober, WHEN and IF SHE wanted to. And there was nothing I could do about that. I also had to detach from what was going on at that moment, the drama, chaos, turmoil, the back and forth, and so on. I had to let her figure it out on her own. If it was rock bottom, so be it, but she still had to be the one to not only hit rock bottom but then decide what she wanted to do about it. The more I tried to figure out if this was rock bottom, the more I drove myself crazy. It was an emotional roller-coaster. It was devastating.
This too may be your rock bottom. It was for me. I was an ATM machine, giving our a never ending supply of money, offers of love, and a never ending supply of "one more chance" -- and I got sicker and more unhealthy. So, for me, it was my rock bottom. And, nothing changes if nothing changes. That is for you, about you and with you. My rock bottom was no longer trying to figure out if this time was her rock bottom and the waiting and hoping that she would get better. But I knew...I knew...I could get better whether she did or not. So, that was my rock bottom and I decided to end the marriage. It was because I no longer wanted to live my life that way. I no longer wanted to live that kind of life. I no longer wanted to be in that kind of life and world. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Spike up your meetings. Talk to your sponsor, a lot if need be. Focus on you. Don't fall into the trap of projecting, what if, he keeps his job, loses his job, goes away, doesn't, and so on. You are doing the right thing letting go of all expectations, and keep doing more -- detaching, letting go, not projecting, focusing on you. You are doing it and keep doing it. Many who have gone through this before, are here for you. Know that, use that.
Keep coming back.
I was one who truly wanted a crystal ball to 'see' what the future held and what was going to happen next. This is NOT recovery. This is still MY WILL and me trying to direct the future and the future outcomes. It is only when I surrendered and let others 'go' that I began to heal. Money issues, children issues, carpool issues, job issues, repair issues, car issues, etc. all were addressed in time. Speaking for myself and our family, it had been a long while of chaos, neglect, etc. and even when I thought I was supermom, superwoman, super-anything - I could not fix years of mayhem and undone chores in short order.
We are asked to put us first. My sponsor told me that when I felt my mind slipping from the moment, I should take a walk, take a bath, read some literature, go to a meeting, etc. In my 'way of life', I did not understand how in the world anything like 'that' would help with the issues/problems, etc. of my life yet it did. Minute by minute, moment by moment I became willing to let others fall or fail and just focus on me - my mental, physical, spiritual health. I also put myself in front of my children because they had lived with a crazy woman (me) who was a perfectionist, always worried, never smiling, forever talking, questioning, grilling, coaching, counseling - I am certain it was frightening for them to recall 'me' - they say now I was far worse than my AH. He just got drunk and faded out while I went crazy because of another's actions/choices.
He may/may not be employed. He may/may not go to treatment. It may/may not be long enough. He may/may not stop drinking. All these 'things' that are troubling you and robbing you of your joy are unknowns. You most certainly can live one moment at a time - whatever works for you....part of that strategy that helps me is to just keep reminding myself that in this moment, I am typing on my computer and I am OK.
It also helped me greatly to know I was not alone. Other people, in and not in recovery have financial issues, car issues, etc. It's not what I had hoped for, but I knew there was another side as many shared their ESH with me. Know you are not alone and there is always hope and help in recovery. Sending you tons of thoughts and prayers!
I know that helpless feeling well. I will pray that your AH has reached his bottom. When my RAH finally admitted he had a problem he started attending AA. I begged him to go to rehab, we have insurance that would pay for it!! He refused. I was heartbroken and never thought it would last. He celebrated 2 yrs of sobriety last month. It's a good reminder to me to stay in my own lane and worry about my own program. Focus on you and your son and you will be ok!
PNP: "You know that saying that 'God only gives you as much as you can bear?' Well, I wish that he didn't think that I was so strong... b/c I don't feel strong at the moment, and I am really tired of being the one to pull all the weight in my life."
I love that you bring this up (((hugs))) I used to wonder about God's motives as well, shaking my fist at the sky... swearing like a sailor... I'd argue that people have ended up institutionalized... and committing suicide so OBVIOUSLY God gave them more than they could handle.
My sponsor was quick to correct me. She said,
"They tried to do it alone. Alone, they failed to tap into a power GREATER than themselves."
LET GO AND LET GOD is the first slogan I ever practiced, a simultaneous decision to LET GO of fear and worry (which do nothing to help anyway, only stir up helplessness and hopelessness in me) and instead, focus on the One who has all power, the One who owns the entire universe... LETTING GOD energy wash over me.
I have numerous ways of doing this, meetings where I put my focus on solutions... (I also connected with others who were just like me. And when I was going through what you are going through, the fellowship lead me to job connections and legal support, etc.... God knew what I needed and brought it to me, all I had to do was show up.)
I also began the practice of walking walking walking... some of that fearful energy in me needed dissipating, like letting the steam off. While walking, I began to notice and appreciate nature, which I began to feel as God's soothing medicine.
I also began my meditation practice, sitting quiet and still. It began with 5 minutes a day and felt like me detaching FROM ME and my problems, to attach to thoughts of God instead. I took a class so that I could understand meditation better and take recovery deeper.
And of course, reading reading reading our literature because again, I needed a substitute for the fireworks going off in my head. It became an opportunity to focus on the Light of recovery.
I was told that every moment I get to decide what I'm going to put in my head, fear or faith in God and program. In the beginning, it worked so well to fill my head in these ways. One day while attending a meeting during the time I was going through my divorce.... I was all smiles and I told the members I was feeling "wonderfully floaty today." they all smiled with me. Nothing outside of me had changed, I was still facing divorce from the man who I was financially dependent upon....
Years later, I discovered that it wasn't actually my alcoholic husband taking care of me, it was God all along. It's been 8 years since my divorce and God continues to take care of me in the way He always has and always will.
I just wanted to chime in to say that this program works. Keep doing the things that have worked well for you, while letting go of what isn't working. Choose peace again and again and it will become your reality (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 2nd of August 2017 01:18:31 PM
Today my AH's job let him go. According to AH (which I always take with a grain of salt), tomorrow he has to go in to the office and turn all his stuff in... computer, cell phone, keys etc. At that time, his boss said he will give him the company's substance abuse information and If he is clean in 6 months, they will rehire him. He will set AH up with COBRA.
Now, I am not sure how one can use the company program when they are no longer a part of the company. And, I know we won't be able to afford COBRA. Period.
I told my AH that once he is finished with this appointment, he needs to go straight to unemployment and apply. I just made the rent payment, so we have 1 month in our home. That's it.
I also tried to be supportive and told him that is sounds like as long as you follow their rehab program, your job is willing to rehire you... but it has to come from within you. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN DO THIS.
I went on to say that we've been through this before (with his Meth addiction) and we'll get through this too. But I am having serious doubts myself. I told him that it is of utmost importance that he gets unemployment b/c this go 'round is a bit different. Last time, I kicked him out and he went into a state-run rehab. I was self-employed (so limited income) and b/c he was out of the house and in rehab, he had nothing to give to the marriage as support. So I was able to apply for state help, and my parents paid our rent. Now he is still in the home with unemployment benefits and I am not going to ask my aging parents to pony up for the rent anymore.
I feel like I am spinning out of control.
Perhaps I have hit MY BOTTOM.
In a similar situation I remembered the song" When you walk through a Storm " and would sing it to myself when I became fearful . It helped tremendously-- The words: " Walk on walk on with Hope in your heart and you will never walk alone" inspired me onward
Sending positive thoughts and prayers
My vote is just keep taking care of you .. what Betty has shared is what got me through the darkest of times. I found my faith. Faith to me is whatever gets you through the day/night .. keep moving forward.
As scary as this is right this second things can have a way of working out better than the S plan .. so try to surrender .. in surrendering I found I had options .. it is sooo important. That didn't mean I sat around waiting for things to happen .. I did do some footwork. Are you sure you wouldn't qualify for some additional benefits. Don't be shy about reaching out for whatever help YOU need. You don't need to do for your AH .. you do need to do for you and your family. You may qualify for food stamps if he's on u/e.
Try to breathe, sending prayers and hugs your way.
S :)
I am reading your post, and I do NOT see HIM hitting bottom, but i do see maybe YOU hitting it??? Like how many times does one go to the well and it finally runs dry and change must occur.....I've been on this horrid ride and its up and down up and down...hope then despair hope then despair, and I finally hit MY bottom in 2000 and I was DONE!!! Done with alcoholics, Done with the instability, Done with the BS, done with the financial crises.......I get it..financially its a hit...yea, it is, but ya know??? what good is money gonna be if you have a breakdown??? I came close to that, so I know...this guy is an adult...He wants to drink?? thats his choice.....but remember..nothing changes if nothing changes and the change for you has to come from you.....I would get into more meetings and work with a sponsor or recovery mate and find out WHY the heck am I still doing this???? IF you leave or stay, thats up to you, but I would be getting my finances separate if they already are not protecting my assets...maybe a visit to a lawyer to find out your rights, etc....have a plan and a back up plan for yourself...its obvious that he is wanting to drink....and if so, his job is gone anyway...then you will have an unemployed drunk and if they put that on his record?? why he is terminated??? which they can...then hes in big $$$ trouble re: finding another job...AND , the cycle will go on and on...trust me, my AH#1 went through more jobs, then couldn't find work because "word spreads" and i was gone, anyway, but thats what I would have been living with had I stayed....an unemployed and drinking WORSE alcoholic.....this disease is awful...unless they completely surrender to AA and work it, there just isn't any hope of things getting better.....gee I hate to put it that way, but it is what it is.............HUGS of support..
-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 2nd of August 2017 10:50:49 PM
Thank you, Betty and Serenity... it is what I needed to hear to keep myself upright and moving forward. Love you both!
KT and ALine - thank you both for your support... it means so much to know that I can come here and feel strong through you.
Mamalioness - Yea, I hear ya. I feel that I have hit my rock bottom. I am fighting the feeling that everyone will feel like I have kicked my hubby in the you know what's while he is at his lowest. And I know that many of you will say it's not about what they think of you or how you are treating HIM. It is about your sanity and your feelings only. It's just so hard after 29 years to kick him to the curb after he's been fired and has 0 prospects.
I came home from work today to find him bawling his eyes out in the bedroom. He's obviously been doing that a long time. After some prodding, I found out that he is feeling the repercussions from all his work-mates. He was bawling b/c he felt so bad for letting THEM down. I must say, I let that get under my skin, and made it all about me and my son... b/c I was miffed that we weren't getting these crocodile tears... it was like a slap in the face that he cared more for those co-workers than his wife and son!
Upon retrospect, I let it get personal. Of course he has all this guilt for them... he's been living with alcohol and us for 8 months... longer if you count the period of time I had no clue. So he's been taking advantage of this good thing. His co-workers on the other hand, all thought he was the bomb! Month after month he made the company tons of money... it was the only place he was getting any self-worth probably.
I did apologize to him for taking it personally and acting ticked off. I felt it was the right thing to do. This would not have happened 9 months ago. This insight is because of Al-Anon. And even though my AH speaks the name with disdain, it has been a GodSend for me!
I am currently trying to keep panic at bay.... little income, loss of rental, loss of health insurance...but trying to live each moment at a time. I used Bo's "trick" today... what is my very next task, and then doing that with laser precision... and then the next, and the next, then it was time for work. AT work I feel at peace. Once I left work, I could feel the panic rising in my throat. So what's the next thing? Purchase cat food.... check! Go get gas.... check! Get dinner on the table.... check! It seems to work.
I think that I will still see if I can qualify for SNAP benefits... that can help tremendously. Thanks Serenity, for bringing that up!
panic cannot happen if you are "pre-occupied" with doing the "next right thing" When I am facing a scary time in life...job change...lost my Doctor now going to, in Oct. to a new one...I had so much crap happen to me since Dec., when one of my jobs went down because the poor client got killed in a car wreck..it was one thing after another...I felt like i was under psychic attack, it was so bad....but the way i kept my head above water was to focus on the RIGHT NOW...do the NEXT RIGHT THING.....i even made a list.....today...work...go to grocery store...(made my list of what to get) I just kept me in the moment, FORCED me to stay in the moment by narrating to myself what I am doing right now...like I am in the shower...Oh the water is just right, I am grabbing my loofa spongue and I feel the sudsy body wash as I wash me and I asked myself, during my narration, what do I see??lots of soap suds and water, what do I hear?? shower going Pshhhhh down on me...gurgling down the drain....what do I smell?? the nice smell of my body wash....and on....and I felt peaceful because my mind cannot race and intrusive thoughts cannot enter if I am pre-occupied with what I am doing RIGHT NOW.....Its a certainty....scary, intrusive, panicky thoughts cannot enter a busy and focused mine that is really in the exact moment....when I was at work, I would be so focused, nothing bothered me....get home?? and I would be a wreck, so I thought "i can do it at work---gonna do it off work" and it works....doing the NEXT right thing...and REEEELY focus on that right thing until it is done......then onto the NEXT right thing until that is done........Creator and universe can come in and work on guidance if you are detached from the obsessing, fear, panic, etc.....when you are focused on your next right thing, your mind is free from the problem and good energy can work on it............. Also, there has to be benefits you can apply for if finances go south.......Its time to take care of you....meets...sponsor...step work....mindful practice...practicing the slogans and staying in the exact moment...there ARE things you can do if you take the focus off him and put it back where it belongs.....on YOU!!! You can do this.....sending LOADS of good energy
I just love was Jaeger responded because that is what works and what worked for me. "Get the Hell out of HP's way and let the miracle happen" was what I was told and I worked that for all it was worth and while my marriage did not last HP used my alcoholic/addict as the metaphor and example of humility (being teachable) for my recovery and I could not be more grateful. That was only one of the miracles I received in recovery. When it was all said and done she and I parted soul mates and very happy for each other. This works when you work it. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
I too heard early on to just get out of the way and let HP in to do what should be next. For us, focusing on what they will/will not do adds to or creates the panic. Focusing on what we can do instead makes the difference in my life between a good peaceful day and a bad/mediocre day. I am reminded that more will be revealed and it's so very, very true.
Keep your head up, take good care of you and keep doing what you are doing - the next right thing whatever that may be. Allow him the space, dignity and ability to do what he wants/needs to do - all answers will come. Keep coming back!!
I hope today finds things more settled. When my X first left I gave myself permission to lick my wounds for a specific amount of time and then *push* (Pray Until Something Happens) through the day and I had *hope* (Hold On Pain Ends). That time became less and less however I want you to know that time is absolutely necessary for me to process. That also meant I went to more meetings (I did open AA because of the lack of Alanon meetings) and I spent more time with my sponsor. I started to see my choices and in finding my choices I found my voice. You are allowed to be angry, hurt, sad, and even have a moment of pity party provided you don't stay for the after party. You don't know HP's long term plan for you and I have learned the hard way sometimes and I have my sponsors voice ringing in my ears with what my oldest is enduring at the moment .. my plan is not the good plan .. God's plan is. She's 18 not 81 and has her whole life whatever that means because I believe she's going to be used for a purpose.
My XAH left in January .. I didn't file until May 2012. So just because you make a decision doesn't mean you have to act on anything because more will be revealed .. he sent the message sometimes at least he was done .. I had my own journey to get there even after I filed .. had I not been taking care of me I would have been a NIGHTMARE!!! I was already a hot mess .. LOL. Looking back you know I made good choices and not so good choices .. all I can do is keep moving forward. Guess what my XAH survived .. crazy at times .. however he's come out the other side in my case it was not together with me and trust me I deserved better than what he could give me.
With what is going on with my kid I have someone in my life who is present with me. Asking me what I need from him emotionally, telling me it's safe to cry, telling me I can borrow his strength. Holding my daughter's hand in the ER. Reassuring her it's going to be ok. Telling her how special she is. My X could not do that for her on any level. He would not know how to handle that much emotional closeness. If I forced open the if you insist door my life today would be VERY different.
So just for today .. take care of you and let the God of your understanding take care of everything else. HP has the better plan over the long term whatever that is.
Trust the process.
Hugs S :)
Take care of YOU. Worry about what YOU think and not what other's will think. You are entitled to feel the way you feel. It's not wrong to be angry. It's not wrong to be distressed. I have no ESH to share with this particular situation. I hope you find some peace for yourself and let your AH and his HP figure out what is best for him. HUGS!
This thread is keeping me sane, so thank you to all who either share their ESH or support!
My AH and I had some pretty frank discussions last night... (he was sober) and one thing was very interesting... When I told him we should sit down with our son and let him know what's going on (b/c he already knows SOMETHING is going on), my husband balked and said he didn't want to tell our son that his dad lost his job because of drinking. He said he wants to say, "I lost my job because of too many missed days." I said why, it's the truth?
He said he already feels about 2 inches tall and he doesn't want his son to think of his dad as "his alkie father lost his job." Inside my head I was screaming, THAT SHIP HAS ALREADY SAILED, BUDDY! LOL!
I then told him that our son is now 17, almost an adult and he DESERVES the truth... he is not five. Again, my AH talked about our son's perception of HIM.
I then told him, well KID is extremely smart...he can put two and two together... lying to him will just lower you in his eyes. I then told him that unless he can 100% honest with this, then he is not ready to recover... denial and avoidance are the hallmarks of his disease. Of course he disagreed and got angry at that observation.
I then went on to explain that for 8 months our perception of AH is MUCH different than AH's perception of himself and this situation. You might've been able to fool your co-workers, but here the disease was VERY evident, and most of the time you have no recollection of how you acted, what you said, or how you treated us!!
That statement was an eye-opener for him, I could tell. But in the end, he was still focused on HIM. So even though I am in crisis mode, and he is acting like he is in crisis, I am getting the ol' spidey sense that if he had the choice between a free rehab opportunity and a new job opportunity, he will not pick recovery. I may be wrong...he may surprise me.
I think as many have shared with me, that this is probably MY bottom... but not his.
I am waiting for the next right thing to reveal itself. I was able to pick up working weekends at my job...at least for a couple weekends. Working 7 days a week will be hard on me...but it won't be forever.
I remember taking a 'soft skills' training class many moons ago for executive training. I still have the book - it pops in my head often - Personal Perceptions are that Person's Reality. My point - it is really easy for an alcoholic to see themselves different than others see them. This applies and reaches well beyond an alcoholic. Until one truly feels the ramifications of their own actions, they see no reason to change.
Keep doing you as best you can. Use the tools as best you can. Know that you aren't alone and trust the process. (((Hugs)))
You know, my calmness is really hanging by a thread, to be honest. But it is the ESH and the reminders of tools that I get here on this forum that is making me feel calm when their is a sh*! storm all around me! LOL!
I am sorry you are living this life as well. Please accept my condolences on the death of your furbaby... they bring so much joy to our lives... especially it seems, when you do live in a chaotic life!
To be fair to my spouse, I know I had at least 10 wonderful years with him. Then issues with PTSD and self-medicating with Meth (that led to addiction) and now alcoholism took what remains... sad.
Odd thing is, he used meth much longer than the alcohol, but his life spiraled so much faster with the alcohol... both in terms of functioning and his health!
Be kind to yourself... we are all doing the best we can!