Welcome Mercedes, as LC has suggested, alcoholism is indeed a chronic, progressive disease which manifests in many unhealthy ways, even after the drinking has ended. This dreadful disease affects not only the problem drinker but the entire family as well  We develop many destructive tools in order to survive the insanity of the disease.
Alanon is a program developed for the family of alcoholics and face to face meetings are held in most communities . The hot line number is in the white pages.

It is at these meetings that I found the support I needed to keep showing up and taking care of myself. I was given new constructive tools to live by and a supportive network of like minded friends to share with. I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, to search out my negative attitudes and replace them with positive ones
Please know that there is hope so-- do keep coming back

Hugs ((Mercedes)), you're not alone, I can relate in that all you really want is some warm, loving emotional support and all you get is ice cold distance. My very lovely, but sometimes toxic AH (not in recovery) and I live separately during the work week also, and I too pick up most of the slack with the children and it can get lonely. I attend meetings, read the literature and lean on a power greater than me to help make my life more manageable. Al-Anon provides us the tools to take the focus off of what our qualifiers are or aren't doing and puts the focus on us so that we can live full, healthy lives.

Hello and welcome. Like many others, I too understand how you feel and I too felt the same things. While I -- nor anyone else -- can't speak to any specifics about what your husband is feeling, why he's doing what he's going, etc. -- I can share with you my experience and what I went through. It is very common for someone to come out of rehab and appear to be very selfish, only concerned about themselves, etc. It is common for us to feel abandoned, lonely, and alone. As a result, we can get angry and have a great deal of resentment. Why? Well, when an alcoholic comes out of rehab, if they are committed to recovery, and truly want to stay clean and sober...then that is all they focus on. If they are truly wanting to stay clean and sober -- that is the most important thing in their lives. They are still "raw" and newly clean and sober -- and they can be struggling. It can be an all out struggle and battle for them to stay clean and sober, and they do so, one day at a time. Often, they immerse themselves in AA, going to meetings, spending time with their sponsor, and so on. Sometimes, all they do is focus on themselves and staying clean and sober. Nothing else is important. They can't yet "work on the marriage" or be "part of the marriage" -- not yet -- because they have to work on themselves and staying clean and sober. On the other hand, if none of this is the case, then perhaps the person is simply being selfish. Sometimes it's obvious, sometimes you just don't know. That's my experience.

As far as the apology or appreciation -- a few things -- first, that is about our expectations. Sure, we want it, we deserve it. However, that may come in time or it may not come at all. We have to not have that expectations, because the alcoholic will do that -- when and if they want to. That is part of their recovery and there is nothing we can do about that. I waited for an apology, for years. And never got one. But her apologizing -- her making amends -- is up to her. It is part of her recovery. It is not up to me and certainly is not contingent on me deserving it or not. My needs, my feelings, my needing help, with simple day to day tasks -- none of that mattered. At one point, she was simply incapable of doing those things. She was emotionally bankrupt and simply could not do those things. At another point, she couldn't do those things because she was 100% focused on her recovery, and staying clean and sober. At another point, she simply didn't feel the need to do so. That was her choice. My choice was how to handle that and how that impacted me. I was angry -- so I did the work I needed to do, on me -- so I could get past the anger and not have it consume me.

He is going to do what he is going to do. Trying to figure it out may drive you crazy. There is nothing you can do about it. Have high hopes and low expectations. Your expectations of what he "should" do is part of how this disease has manifested and impacted you. In al-anon, you can learn how all of that doesn't have to impact you in negative ways, and they don't have to make you unhealthy, angry, sad, disappointed, and so on.

Now is the time for you to focus on you. Go to face to face meetings, find a sponsor and start doing the work -- on YOU. Keep coming back.

I like what el-cee said...I had to meet my OWN needs, and not rely on someone else...especially a sick man who is just out of rehab whose cup was probably always empty...That said, I think I would hit the Al-anon meets and find some folks that are "flying in a good direction" and make new friendship circles without alcohol and take care of myself....I was bitter and resentful too, as I married TWO alcoholics, but finally when I got into recovery after the 2nd one, I found out REAL quick that my needs and my life and my happiness is ALL my responsibility..AND hanging out with healthier people , I notice that my needs for equality and stability and mutuality in a relationship/friendship are met...just by default...Hanging with healthier people because I am healthier

Aloha Mercy and welcome to the family MIP.  You have been affected and victimized by alcoholism and an alcoholic which has abused your mind, body, spirit and emotions.  It has done that to all of us and only one of the things I had to learn and the learn how to do because the disease also affected me so deeply was to learn how to drop my expectations of my alcoholic/addict wife (all of them) and plant myself deeply in the Al-Anon Program which is attached to the AA program.  No most of us don't have a drinking problem however the 12 steps, traditions and 12 concepts help us to recovery from a "drinker" problem.

There is much peace of mind, sanity and serenity that you can have working this program regardless of what your own alcoholic is or is not doing, saying, feeling and more. What you came to realize as real isn't in this disease and one of it's major characteristics is insanity.

You are qualified for our program and we stand with you in support.   Welcome home (((((Hugs)))))  

When my last alcoholic/addict wife was doing the walk away from our family and relationship I was completely lost of spirit and when I talked to my early sponsor about it she said, "Ohhhh well" and then nothing more.    I got it...I am powerless over alcoholism and my life had become unmanageable.    Keep coming back.   

Mercy -- first, yes, you can get a sponsor. From day one moment one. That is up to you. Second, even though you are not an alcoholic? This is al-anon. This is our program. This is a program for us. AA is their program. It is for them. This is where we get better. As far as he messaged you, what he said, etc. -- focus on YOU. Forget about all the drama, blame, accusations. Focus on YOU.

Third, yes, go to al-anon. Period. Whether he leaves, stays, is drinking, is sober. Doesn't matter. You really need to understand what this program is all about and why you should be here. You are so wrapped up and focused on him -- what he said, what he did, what he's doing, and so on. Stop. Breathe. Get to meetings, find a sponsor and focus on YOU.

All the best, and keep coming back.