Tomorrow I will spend about $200 for a used elliptical machine on Craigslist. I can already hear my dad going off about this. "What does she need an elliptical machine for? She's broke! And she just bought an iPhone! And a mattress, and then a topper for the d*mn mattress! Don't DO stupid things like this!"
But... I have been broke for a very long time. And now that I have a second job, the prospect of getting a comfortable mattress to sleep on, replacing my old iPhone with the battery that couldn't make it through a day, and getting an exercise machine I can use regularly to look after my health all seem like worthwhile things to do. And all combined that totals to $650, which is about how much extra I'm making per month working a second job. Its not like I'm going to keep spending like this every month, this is the backlog of stuff I've needed/wanted but not been able to afford now that I have a second income to afford it with.
So why I do I still feel like such an irrational, irresponsible, selfish, horrible person for buying these things? I don't even have to go talk to my dad to hear what he'd say about it, his voice is already going full-blast in my head whether I want it to or not.
I keep remembering a quote from a book by a comedian (possibly Dave Barry) that my mom was reading when I was in highschool - "A perfect child? Yes, we have one of those right here under the coffee table. Ralph, stand up! Play the violin!" And it struck me as so fitting that "Ralph" lived in the tiny space under the coffee table, not taking up any space or imposing on anyone or needing anything until someone wanted him to come out and do something. Because that was my life.
Don't need anything. Don't take up space. If you do, dad will get angry and rip you to pieces with his words, you selfish brat. The problem with you is that you think the world revolves around you. How dare you be so selfish as to blow your nose loudly enough that I have to hear it when you are sick?
I skipped teenage rebellion - I was the sweetest, shyest, most perfectly behaved little library mouse you could ever hope to find. I wish I hadn't skipped teenage rebellion - maybe telling your parents that they are full of... manure... is a necessary part of becoming an adult. You get a special social license to act crazy for those years that you don't get when you're 30. Maybe if I had had teenage rebellion, I wouldn't still have my dads voice in my head now, constantly ripping me apart.
How do I get rid of this? I go to meetings, I've done stepwork with a sponsor in the past... but I still feel like any time I take up space or want anything for myself, it makes me the lowest piece of poop in the world. HOW DO I GET MY DAD'S VOICE OUT OF MY HEAD??!?
-- Edited by atheos on Tuesday 1st of August 2017 02:04:04 AM
el-cee said
Aug 1, 2017
For me the answer was forgiveness. Forgive him by understanding him. Is he an alcoholic or an adult child because the negative critical behaviour is a symptom. It's a hellish symptom to always see the negative to be constantly critical of others. It blocks you from deep relationshipsleep and joy. See him as sick and work towards forgiveness and then boundaries will be easier . He has room in your head because you have given him power. It could be you haven't fully accepted he is sick with distorted and disturbed thought processes so his viewpoints may never be rational or kind or loving. Step 1. Your powerless over him. Another reason he has power in your end may be that you haven't been able to see your part yet. I mean maybe and I know it sounds harsh but for me I chose the self pity victim route so often due to my own dis-ease. I hope you get some relief. It's totally possible. Have you a sponsor? Might be really helpful.
hotrod said
Aug 1, 2017
((Atheos)) I can so identify. Making my needs and self invisible (being the perfect child) was my go to tool.
I too found it hard to spend money on myself and still am cautious about such spending. Enter program and as, LC suggests, working the steps and forgiving MYSELF as well as others helped greatly. I placed myself at the top of my amend list and for over a year made amends to myself by allowing myself to purchase needed items, saying what i needed and letting go of the negative destructive, erroneous believes that I carried. It worked
Today, when I need to validate my needs I make a pro and con list, determine if I can afford it then buy what i need without guilt.
Thank you Alanon
milkwood said
Aug 1, 2017
I used to do that to myself as well - arragh!!!!
It was bad enough to have put up with the abuse initially, but to do it to myself????! But I did, for a long time. One day I realised that I was doing this to myself and if I was doing it I figured that I was able to not do it as well - I had a choice! I wore an elastic band on my wrist for a few weeks and would ping it when I noticed those negative voices in my head. Remarkably this did the trick for me and I find that I have much more headspace as a result!
So great to read about you meeting your needs - I agree, if you are going to work hard then self care is vital and it is inspirational to see you doing it. Thank you. (((hugs)))
Skorpi said
Aug 1, 2017
((Atheos)) I have similar issues with not being able to put myself and my needs first, of a nagging voice telling me that I shouldn't be spending the money, that I can "made due" without whatever it is.
working the steps helps, forgiveness for myself and the source of the voice helps. Recognizing and saying out loud to myself (if I am alone) or a trusted friend that the source of the voice is sick, and I cannot expect a rational reaction from them, helps. Something else I did was write down on a piece of paper whatever the negative voice said, and then write down whether I agree with it or not and why not. I put those in a box and saved them until I had a fire (outdoor or for heating) and ceremoniously burned the negative thoughts. Now, thanks to AlAnon, I am better at recognizing which thoughts belong to me and which thoughts do not. When a negative thought pops up, I can visualize putting it in a box, wrapping it in nice paper and a bow, and sending that negative thought back to whoever it belongs to. That visualization activity helps me to get the thought out of my head, and picturing the nice paper and box gives me something pleasant to think about instead.
I've done the steps a few times, and this most recent time, I discovered a need to make amends to myself, and focus on caring for myself. Perhaps another go around with the steps and this topic in mind would be helpful.
El said
Aug 1, 2017
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I have also struggled with negative parental loops over and over in my head. It takes away the joy you want to get out of your purchases Or any decision you make.
For myself, I find it helps to only share the information I feel safe sharing. As long as I'm not asking anyone for financial help or an opinion, I don't need to put myself "out there."
I also turn to our literature and look up passages that resonate with the situation and keep reading them. I also remind myself that I am an adult and best able to decide what is best for my life. It took awhile to really believe myself!
It took many years for those darn voice loops to whisper instead of shout. I agree with the ESH above, especially foregiveness. Chances are your dad has been hearing HIS dad's voice in HIS head!
Keep sticking with the program ....sending positive thoughts to you.
Ellen
Freetime said
Aug 1, 2017
Another perfect child here! Quiet, compliant, came to believe that my value was based on approval by others ... and I was that way even though my parents were proud of me, just anxious and over-protective with the best of intentions. Their voices were quiet, but I can still hear them.
I was in my 60s when living with alcoholism finally drove me to the brink where I had to change that basic premise that it was impolite to ask for what I needed, even basic needs like peace and serenity. The Alanon saying that helped me with this was "Changed attitudes can aid recovery."
You've got me thinking, is it ever too late for teenage rebellion? From what I understand, that stage is about establishing an identity separate from our parents.
Maybe now, as we have more life experience, we can still do some rebellious acts but we can choose those that aren't life-threatening. Stay out til 3 in the morning? Wear whatever clothes we like? Express our opinions and feelings (but not meanly)? Hang out with whatever friends we choose? Join a gang where we don't give out our last names (like the Al-Anon gang)? Take a "mental health day" off of work and go to the beach?
tiredtonite said
Aug 1, 2017
"How do I get rid of this? I go to meetings, I've done stepwork with a sponsor in the past... but I still feel like any time I take up space or want anything for myself, it makes me the lowest piece of poop in the world."
I recognize this from my own past. I had to take a closer look at the Alanon topics Denial and Guilt. Through a 4th step inventory and with the help of a sponsor and my higher power during Step 5, I was able to untangle the skewed messages I'd been given about myself in childhood. We have a lot of tools in Alanon that can help. In part, my inventory revealed that I was denying myself good things. I was confused about "my part." Although there were actions I clearly owned, I took on the responsibility and felt guilt that didn't belong to me.
We have tools in Alanon that can help when negative thoughts happen. Thankfully, they can happen less often over time with program work particularly positive affirmation. When they occur I say STOP and I refocus my thinking. I might back it up by saying to myself, "You know that's not true." Thirdly, I affirm how I truly see myself by stating that to myself as well. My head and my heart are more matched today and I'm grateful to Alanon for this.
I hope you enjoy all your new purchases. We deserve the best we can give to ourselves. ((hugs)) TT
Leann_43 said
Aug 7, 2017
I appreciate your share. This is the first post I'm making in this forum because your share rings so true for me.
A neighbor's wife just died leaving 5 kids. I'm wondering what I can do to help. But I keep hearing a voice tell me all these awful things whenever I come up with an idea. If I bring "XYZ" I hear a voice tell me "what an idiot to bring that" or I hear people talking about me behind my back making fun of me for being a busy body and trying to involve myself. Then I hear a voice that tells me how selfish I am for not doing anything. These voices in my head just never see me as good no matter what I do! Then I find myself getting angry at the people in my real life! I didn't really see this is what was happening to me these past few days until I read your post. Now I'm reading all the responses people gave to you and it's helping me. The voices are still there but I don't feel as under their control as I did before I read your share so thank you.
-- Edited by Leann_43 on Monday 7th of August 2017 09:57:50 PM
Iamhere said
Aug 8, 2017
(((Leann))) - welcome to MIP. So glad you found us and so glad that you jumped right in! Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
SerenityRUS said
Aug 8, 2017
Hugs Atheos,
I like the idea of affirmations and positive self talk. I recommend writing things on sticky notes and placing them on mirrors in the bathroom, around the kitchen and bedroom. Reminders of what is good about you.
It is ok to tell the itty bitty sh**ty committee to sit down and shut up.
I tell my kids ALL the time if someone calls you a "rock" does that make it true? I get an eyeball roll and so on this is after a conversation about so and so said blah blah blah. They respond no .. LOL. So I guess it's if you choose to believe it .. I struggle as well with the negative perception of myself. I encourage you to really focus on the good stuff though and yes .. while I have things that need to be worked on they don't make me less of a human being.
Tomorrow I will spend about $200 for a used elliptical machine on Craigslist. I can already hear my dad going off about this. "What does she need an elliptical machine for? She's broke! And she just bought an iPhone! And a mattress, and then a topper for the d*mn mattress! Don't DO stupid things like this!"
But... I have been broke for a very long time. And now that I have a second job, the prospect of getting a comfortable mattress to sleep on, replacing my old iPhone with the battery that couldn't make it through a day, and getting an exercise machine I can use regularly to look after my health all seem like worthwhile things to do. And all combined that totals to $650, which is about how much extra I'm making per month working a second job. Its not like I'm going to keep spending like this every month, this is the backlog of stuff I've needed/wanted but not been able to afford now that I have a second income to afford it with.
So why I do I still feel like such an irrational, irresponsible, selfish, horrible person for buying these things? I don't even have to go talk to my dad to hear what he'd say about it, his voice is already going full-blast in my head whether I want it to or not.
I keep remembering a quote from a book by a comedian (possibly Dave Barry) that my mom was reading when I was in highschool - "A perfect child? Yes, we have one of those right here under the coffee table. Ralph, stand up! Play the violin!" And it struck me as so fitting that "Ralph" lived in the tiny space under the coffee table, not taking up any space or imposing on anyone or needing anything until someone wanted him to come out and do something. Because that was my life.
Don't need anything. Don't take up space. If you do, dad will get angry and rip you to pieces with his words, you selfish brat. The problem with you is that you think the world revolves around you. How dare you be so selfish as to blow your nose loudly enough that I have to hear it when you are sick?
I skipped teenage rebellion - I was the sweetest, shyest, most perfectly behaved little library mouse you could ever hope to find. I wish I hadn't skipped teenage rebellion - maybe telling your parents that they are full of... manure... is a necessary part of becoming an adult. You get a special social license to act crazy for those years that you don't get when you're 30. Maybe if I had had teenage rebellion, I wouldn't still have my dads voice in my head now, constantly ripping me apart.
How do I get rid of this? I go to meetings, I've done stepwork with a sponsor in the past... but I still feel like any time I take up space or want anything for myself, it makes me the lowest piece of poop in the world. HOW DO I GET MY DAD'S VOICE OUT OF MY HEAD??!?
-- Edited by atheos on Tuesday 1st of August 2017 02:04:04 AM
((Atheos)) I can so identify. Making my needs and self invisible (being the perfect child) was my go to tool.
I too found it hard to spend money on myself and still am cautious about such spending. Enter program and as, LC suggests, working the steps and forgiving MYSELF as well as others helped greatly. I placed myself at the top of my amend list and for over a year made amends to myself by allowing myself to purchase needed items, saying what i needed and letting go of the negative destructive, erroneous believes that I carried. It worked
Today, when I need to validate my needs I make a pro and con list, determine if I can afford it then buy what i need without guilt.
Thank you Alanon
It was bad enough to have put up with the abuse initially, but to do it to myself????! But I did, for a long time. One day I realised that I was doing this to myself and if I was doing it I figured that I was able to not do it as well - I had a choice! I wore an elastic band on my wrist for a few weeks and would ping it when I noticed those negative voices in my head. Remarkably this did the trick for me and I find that I have much more headspace as a result!
So great to read about you meeting your needs - I agree, if you are going to work hard then self care is vital and it is inspirational to see you doing it. Thank you. (((hugs)))
working the steps helps, forgiveness for myself and the source of the voice helps. Recognizing and saying out loud to myself (if I am alone) or a trusted friend that the source of the voice is sick, and I cannot expect a rational reaction from them, helps. Something else I did was write down on a piece of paper whatever the negative voice said, and then write down whether I agree with it or not and why not. I put those in a box and saved them until I had a fire (outdoor or for heating) and ceremoniously burned the negative thoughts. Now, thanks to AlAnon, I am better at recognizing which thoughts belong to me and which thoughts do not. When a negative thought pops up, I can visualize putting it in a box, wrapping it in nice paper and a bow, and sending that negative thought back to whoever it belongs to. That visualization activity helps me to get the thought out of my head, and picturing the nice paper and box gives me something pleasant to think about instead.
I've done the steps a few times, and this most recent time, I discovered a need to make amends to myself, and focus on caring for myself. Perhaps another go around with the steps and this topic in mind would be helpful.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I have also struggled with negative parental loops over and over in my head. It takes away the joy you want to get out of your purchases Or any decision you make.
For myself, I find it helps to only share the information I feel safe sharing. As long as I'm not asking anyone for financial help or an opinion, I don't need to put myself "out there."
I also turn to our literature and look up passages that resonate with the situation and keep reading them. I also remind myself that I am an adult and best able to decide what is best for my life. It took awhile to really believe myself!
It took many years for those darn voice loops to whisper instead of shout. I agree with the ESH above, especially foregiveness. Chances are your dad has been hearing HIS dad's voice in HIS head!
Keep sticking with the program ....sending positive thoughts to you.
Ellen
I was in my 60s when living with alcoholism finally drove me to the brink where I had to change that basic premise that it was impolite to ask for what I needed, even basic needs like peace and serenity. The Alanon saying that helped me with this was "Changed attitudes can aid recovery."
You've got me thinking, is it ever too late for teenage rebellion? From what I understand, that stage is about establishing an identity separate from our parents.
Maybe now, as we have more life experience, we can still do some rebellious acts but we can choose those that aren't life-threatening. Stay out til 3 in the morning? Wear whatever clothes we like? Express our opinions and feelings (but not meanly)? Hang out with whatever friends we choose? Join a gang where we don't give out our last names (like the Al-Anon gang)? Take a "mental health day" off of work and go to the beach?
"How do I get rid of this? I go to meetings, I've done stepwork with a sponsor in the past... but I still feel like any time I take up space or want anything for myself, it makes me the lowest piece of poop in the world."
I recognize this from my own past. I had to take a closer look at the Alanon topics Denial and Guilt. Through a 4th step inventory and with the help of a sponsor and my higher power during Step 5, I was able to untangle the skewed messages I'd been given about myself in childhood. We have a lot of tools in Alanon that can help. In part, my inventory revealed that I was denying myself good things. I was confused about "my part." Although there were actions I clearly owned, I took on the responsibility and felt guilt that didn't belong to me.
We have tools in Alanon that can help when negative thoughts happen. Thankfully, they can happen less often over time with program work particularly positive affirmation. When they occur I say STOP and I refocus my thinking. I might back it up by saying to myself, "You know that's not true." Thirdly, I affirm how I truly see myself by stating that to myself as well. My head and my heart are more matched today and I'm grateful to Alanon for this.
I hope you enjoy all your new purchases. We deserve the best we can give to ourselves. ((hugs)) TT
I appreciate your share. This is the first post I'm making in this forum because your share rings so true for me.
A neighbor's wife just died leaving 5 kids. I'm wondering what I can do to help. But I keep hearing a voice tell me all these awful things whenever I come up with an idea. If I bring "XYZ" I hear a voice tell me "what an idiot to bring that" or I hear people talking about me behind my back making fun of me for being a busy body and trying to involve myself. Then I hear a voice that tells me how selfish I am for not doing anything. These voices in my head just never see me as good no matter what I do! Then I find myself getting angry at the people in my real life! I didn't really see this is what was happening to me these past few days until I read your post. Now I'm reading all the responses people gave to you and it's helping me. The voices are still there but I don't feel as under their control as I did before I read your share so thank you.
-- Edited by Leann_43 on Monday 7th of August 2017 09:57:50 PM
I like the idea of affirmations and positive self talk. I recommend writing things on sticky notes and placing them on mirrors in the bathroom, around the kitchen and bedroom. Reminders of what is good about you.
It is ok to tell the itty bitty sh**ty committee to sit down and shut up.
I tell my kids ALL the time if someone calls you a "rock" does that make it true? I get an eyeball roll and so on this is after a conversation about so and so said blah blah blah. They respond no .. LOL. So I guess it's if you choose to believe it .. I struggle as well with the negative perception of myself. I encourage you to really focus on the good stuff though and yes .. while I have things that need to be worked on they don't make me less of a human being.
Hugs S :)