Self doubt and insecurity have leaked into my relationship a little. I get the negative self talk like am I attractive enough for him? Are the women he was with better at...being women really. I feel like I'm a new women. While living with my ex I refused to be a woman. I wouldn't wear make up or get my hair done or take pride in myself because in my distorted mind I believed he would think I was happy and God forbid he should get that impression so I wore black put on a miserable scowl and I was ready for the day lol. Sad really but since alanon I've checked into the human race and became more of a woman. I've felt good about trying to be a woman and taking pride in myself but sometimes I wonder that he would never have came near me or the old me. Fair enough that was my goal really to not look attractive. Now I feel like I'm a woman but I'm new to it and I don't know if I'm good at it really. Then there's a bit of me like who am I being a woman for exactly. It began about me. My outers reflecting my inner new found serenity but has it turned into seeking outside approval? Ach just thinking out loud here likely looking for problems that don't exist.
Jerry F said
Jul 29, 2017
(((((el-cee)))))....dress up what your hp created and then ask..."How do you like it"? I've always seen you as beautiful and then I've been looking from the inside out.
mamalioness said
Jul 29, 2017
yes, recovery has elevated my sense of self worth, too, I dress really cute, now, the the drab stuff of the old, I wear my hair in a pixie that I do myself so it turns out just right, lol...my X wanted me to dress nice, look nice, etc., but (i'm talkng about AH#1) he would put me down in the process...he would go out and buy gorgeous designer clothes for me as I am small, athletic figure, slim all my life, I can eat anything I want and never put on a pound...but he would buy me gr8 clothes , dress me up, but put me down in private and in public, at times, too....so yea, i had a real bad image of self...I had NO sense of self, really...beaten down my parents and I go and marry another abuser....so more chipping at my self esteem, but now in recovery, thank goodness, I am looking good in my nice clothes, hair, not much into makeup as I have good skin, but its for ME...I don't have anyone in my life and its OK..I do it for ME...I FEEL better about me.....and i love what you say about your outers being like your inner and that is good...you deserve that....I still seek to some extent outside approval...hell, I want the strokes every now and again, I think it is NORMAL to want to hear GOOD stuff about ourselves, heaven knows we heard enough bad....but for me, pre-recovery, it was a constant need...now it is a nice want like when a guy takes notice of me, YEA it feels good...I have a boss who is a year older then me, married , one of my goodest friends and yea, I like it when he says I am cute, LOL..AND i trust that he would never be inappropriate with me....its NORMAL to want to hear good stuff/compliments but for me?? I must be healing some...I did something out of being mindful and doing "OK" in my mindful exercises and I said out loud "GOOD GIRL...you can do this" SO can you, el-cee....IN SUPPORT
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 30th of July 2017 08:33:32 AM
hotrod said
Jul 29, 2017
((LC)) I see your spirit and know that you are beautiful I can understand your former unrecovered self not wanting to be attractive and love that your recovery has directed you to discovering the Lady you were created to be. Love your honesty and inner beauty. it shines through -- have no fear my dear
shrnp said
Jul 29, 2017
elcee,
You truly are a survivor and deserve all the happiness that the world can give. That is really special that you are seeing someone. I have not gotten the courage up to try that yet myself. It sounds new and exciting. Try not to think about your past, that is over with. It is always fun to wear some make up and pretty clothes.You will be fine.
a4l said
Jul 30, 2017
I wonder what being a woman means to you, when you say woman enough.
I've wavered over the years at times with various identity conflicts, and I think societally, it can be hard to be female. Physically speaking, I think we "do gender" when it suits, for some of us that's all the time, others its most, or some or never. There are many types of women everywhere, I know I've been many kinds of woman within a mere 20 years! Serious, careless, responsible, wild, attractive, unattractive, thin, wide, employed, unemployed, with kids, without kids,with kids again. I was always me. Just different shades of. Be gentle with yourself. I think you are awesome.
Iamhere said
Jul 30, 2017
(((El-Cee))) - Perfect make-up, painted nails and just the right outfit for me were part of my old image....I was raised with a family that hid the dirty stuff and presented the picture of perfection. I believe recovery and self-esteem + age have finally gotten me feeling as if I belong no matter what I wear (clothing, make-up, nails). I still enjoy getting pretty but I do it solely for me.
I love that there is a new 'push' for natural skin. I love the look of make-up yet I can't stand the feel. I make it a goal to go make-up free 4 of the 7 days. There are weeks where I go natural all 7 days and others where it just doesn't work that way....I never wear my nails painted any more, stopped coloring my hair and go for comfort vs. style.
Interestingly enough, I attract a who new kind of 'friends'. In my quest to find and friend 'winners', my sponsor suggested some of these changes. When we bare ourselves, we open ourselves to more types of people. It's been interesting!
Because of sports, and broken fingers, I can't wear my wedding rings any longer. I only wear earrings now, and a bracelet/two once in a while. I am amazed at how often I am approached with no make-up, bunned hair and casual clothes by guys. I truly believe that when we are healthy, we exude confidence (not cockiness). Genuine confidence is extremely attractive and magnetic. YOU are beautiful from the inside out. I readily admit I have (in my mind only) thought what it must be like for a guy to wake up to a natural gal without her 'face'. I actually had 2 friends who set their alarms way early to apply make-up before coffee and life!!! This amazed me - one had been married for more than 20 years and her husband had never seen her without make-up!!!
So - just do you. You are enough. Your spirit and words here tell me you are beautiful beyond words, and I have a gut feeling that your 'new friend' is far more attracted to your spirit than your looks....just sayin'!!! As with all things in program, you have a choice and do what makes you happy!!!
mamalioness said
Jul 30, 2017
Wow, Iamhere, that was a great post...kinda the way I feel, tho I love looking like a diva, but its for ME...about ME and how I feel about me...there are times I go out just in jeans and a hoodie...its cool...guys approach me because I have good skin , hence no need for makeup, in fact, I am "doing it" if i wear eyeliner and mascara with lip gloss...that is the extent of my make up....just never cared for it...like the natural look better.....I think the way i look...hair tidy, clothes cute and clean, face clean and with moisturizer, rarely make up and I described what my make up is.....I think the natural look, is , to me, more real...and i think people respond to folks who are just REAL ...inside and outside....i hope this post made sense.....and yea, i walk straighter since recovery, head up , not down...a spring to my step because I am feeling better about me.....and my now friends are the real kind...substance in them, not wearing a facade because I don't wear a facade...what you see is what you get....
(((((el-cee)))))....dress up what your hp created and then ask..."How do you like it"? I've always seen you as beautiful and then I've been looking from the inside out.
yes, recovery has elevated my sense of self worth, too, I dress really cute, now, the the drab stuff of the old, I wear my hair in a pixie that I do myself so it turns out just right, lol...my X wanted me to dress nice, look nice, etc., but (i'm talkng about AH#1) he would put me down in the process...he would go out and buy gorgeous designer clothes for me as I am small, athletic figure, slim all my life, I can eat anything I want and never put on a pound...but he would buy me gr8 clothes , dress me up, but put me down in private and in public, at times, too....so yea, i had a real bad image of self...I had NO sense of self, really...beaten down my parents and I go and marry another abuser....so more chipping at my self esteem, but now in recovery, thank goodness, I am looking good in my nice clothes, hair, not much into makeup as I have good skin, but its for ME...I don't have anyone in my life and its OK..I do it for ME...I FEEL better about me.....and i love what you say about your outers being like your inner and that is good...you deserve that....I still seek to some extent outside approval...hell, I want the strokes every now and again, I think it is NORMAL to want to hear GOOD stuff about ourselves, heaven knows we heard enough bad....but for me, pre-recovery, it was a constant need...now it is a nice want like when a guy takes notice of me, YEA it feels good...I have a boss who is a year older then me, married , one of my goodest friends and yea, I like it when he says I am cute, LOL..AND i trust that he would never be inappropriate with me....its NORMAL to want to hear good stuff/compliments but for me?? I must be healing some...I did something out of being mindful and doing "OK" in my mindful exercises and I said out loud "GOOD GIRL...you can do this" SO can you, el-cee....IN SUPPORT
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 30th of July 2017 08:33:32 AM
((LC)) I see your spirit and know that you are beautiful I can understand your former unrecovered self not wanting to be attractive and love that your recovery has directed you to discovering the Lady you were created to be. Love your honesty and inner beauty. it shines through -- have no fear my dear
You truly are a survivor and deserve all the happiness that the world can give. That is really special that you are seeing someone. I have not gotten the courage up to try that yet myself. It sounds new and exciting. Try not to think about your past, that is over with. It is always fun to wear some make up and pretty clothes.You will be fine.
I love that there is a new 'push' for natural skin. I love the look of make-up yet I can't stand the feel. I make it a goal to go make-up free 4 of the 7 days. There are weeks where I go natural all 7 days and others where it just doesn't work that way....I never wear my nails painted any more, stopped coloring my hair and go for comfort vs. style.
Interestingly enough, I attract a who new kind of 'friends'. In my quest to find and friend 'winners', my sponsor suggested some of these changes. When we bare ourselves, we open ourselves to more types of people. It's been interesting!
Because of sports, and broken fingers, I can't wear my wedding rings any longer. I only wear earrings now, and a bracelet/two once in a while. I am amazed at how often I am approached with no make-up, bunned hair and casual clothes by guys. I truly believe that when we are healthy, we exude confidence (not cockiness). Genuine confidence is extremely attractive and magnetic. YOU are beautiful from the inside out. I readily admit I have (in my mind only) thought what it must be like for a guy to wake up to a natural gal without her 'face'. I actually had 2 friends who set their alarms way early to apply make-up before coffee and life!!! This amazed me - one had been married for more than 20 years and her husband had never seen her without make-up!!!
So - just do you. You are enough. Your spirit and words here tell me you are beautiful beyond words, and I have a gut feeling that your 'new friend' is far more attracted to your spirit than your looks....just sayin'!!! As with all things in program, you have a choice and do what makes you happy!!!