I think I have grown as a person over the last five years. Still a bit bull at a gate but not without stopping to think a whole heap more than I used to.
I've taken it upon myself to attempt pulling together my wider foo for a cultural matter. I wish I had the solid program of my program idols like Betty no lie, you're/she is my inspiration.
I am struggling a bit at times to let go of the results. My mind keeps wandering to anxious places, namely : am I getting it wrong? And, this must happen so xxxxx doesn't happen.
I know enough now to know, the latter is an exercise in futility. All will be as it will be.
Yet I really wish for the best outcome for all.
I needed to post this, to keep me on track. To be linked to my recovery family as well. Thank you all for being here.
Skorpi said
Jul 29, 2017
It sounds like quite a bit of pressure, and bravo for turning to the program to cope
I had a get together recently with some folks from high school. I ended up not going to the larger group gathering but got together with some closer friends. I hadn't seen anyone in years, and had been talking myself out of joining the planning committee for months. (the folks organizing seemed inept. tons of circular talking, no decisions made, etc.)
Well, arriving at the event perfectly on time (which in my world is 3-5 minutes early) didn't do me any good because everyone else was 30 -45 minutes late!
My wife was pretty upset by it, but that group, who have gotten together more frequently over the years, knew that no one was going to be on time, and they reminded me that high school had been no different. I have since forgotten, but apparently there, too, I was the only one who arrived on time. Anyway, that's a rather long story, but my point is I couldn't then and certainly cannot now make my friends arrive on time, whether or not i helped to plan the event.
You are correct, all will be as it will be. What can you do to enjoy the event and the planning, no matter what comes of it?
hotrod said
Jul 29, 2017
((A1)) Your recovery is an inspiration . I have had the pleasure of sharing this sometimes difficult often rewarding journey with you for many years and have often been inspired by your ability to love/ mother your little ones as well as your honesty and clarity.
I think program finally took hold for me when my son had relapsed and HP moved me slowly toward "acceptance of life on life's terms'- not mine.
For years I prayed for my will and often my prayers were answered but with my son's relapse, slowly but surely it became evident that he was not going to recover and no matter what I did- no matter how many rehabs/detoxs I paid for, I could not force my outcome. Instead I was shown that I could continue to love him, be there with kindness, compassion and love and accept the outcome no matter how I wanted it to be different. Each day I took the actions, let go of the results. The night he passed I found myself in his room bringing him a glass of water and assuring him he was not alone. I am eternally grateful for those moments.
There is a reading in the AA Big Book that stresses the fact that" Acceptance" is the key to recovery and I agree
You have great program skills so trust your process, stay detached. examine your motives, take the appropriate actions and the results will be inspiring.
Sending positive thoughts
Lyne said
Jul 29, 2017
A1 Hi-I can relate to your share, having had months of stress from family, a dog with cancer, and program keeping me focused on the important things: Keeping myself sane, accepting I cannot force results from other people I love, not worrying about my A relapsing which is almost certain, and a host of other impossible situations that I know I have NO control over. I have no choice but to accept the outcomes and just try to stay the good course that program is teaching me. Lyne
andromeda said
Jul 29, 2017
There is no doubt you've grown. We all have. But, recovery is a lifelong process so grant yourself some grace and move forward with the positive progression you have made so far.
I've been stressed out to the max. I do my best to come back to program. I don't always succeed and often have to go back to the 'acceptance' prayer from AA to remind me that I must truly accept life on life's terms if I'm going to find peace.
Hugs, you're always an inspiration to me!
DavidG said
Jul 29, 2017
a4l wrote:
Thank you all for being here.
......
Iamhere said
Jul 29, 2017
I believe you're doing great!!! I find myself, especially with FOO really questioning my sanity at times. I believe it's because of the changes and growth from program effort and yet they remain constant. It makes me wonder if they're all sane and I'm the one who fell off the cliff! I love that you reached to your program and program family - that's what we are told to do!!! I think it works well when we work it.
I believe wanting good outcomes for others/all is admirable. Where I tend to muck it up is if it goes different than I believe defines 'good' then I can get irritable or anxious. It truly helps me to remember that I really, really don't know what is right or good for anyone. I just have to set aside my own brain and my ego and trust the outcomes.
You're doing great even if it doesn't feel like it! I figure if I'm able to entertain FOO, spend quality time with FOO and have some light moments and laughter that's awesome....it did not used to be that way for me.
(((Hugs))) - your effort looks great on you! Keep doing what you're doing!
Jerry F said
Jul 29, 2017
a4l...Mahalo again for your honesty and humility. I read this share and the responses a few times before my morning home group meeting and made the decision to read it again when I got home and then respond myself. I was moved by it before and during the process of going to the meeting. For some reason my spirit was touched and wanting to hear more and learn more because contact with my HPs had happened. I left home and went down to the residence of a home group mate I help with a ride and got there early just as a kupuna (elderly man) was attempting to make his way across a rock wall that had fallen due to the rains we have been having. I decided to help calling out to him "Uncle, wait, let me help" He had a smile on his face like many of our elders here in Hawaii have...the smile of confidence and we got to flat ground where even then a little extra steering helped. I picked up my rides and on the way down to the meeting we spoke of awareness new and old about the disease in our families and our lives. We are all from the same family and same events and outcomes.
The meeting centered on the subject and power of acceptance which for me is the major character asset in my recovery due to the consequences of how I was raised and what I did with it later on when I was fully on my own. I centered my thinking and feeling around what was being shared both ways as I gave and as I took and practiced my meditative thinking and my spirit started to grow again.
I can and will live within the moment and let the past rest for later and keep the future under the care and mind of HP. I can and will accept being the student and letting my HPs surround me with their wisdoms and care.
The prayer says "lord make me an instrument of thy peace", not the most powerful example of it. My wife and I have just recently lost a loving pet dog named Sadie Marie. She was having severe health problems and taking it like a champ where we were not and it was our decision to end the struggle we saw her living with. Still we went thru it as a threesome even as Sadie expressed her fear and pain and we continue to express our own. My Family of Origin story has been similar they have died off and we are left without the pain and trauma that lived with them. With Sadie we loved with the family I detached powerlessly. The results for now is quietness with the practice of acceptance and forgiveness and a memory of being loved anyway.
I need some cheer and light heartedness and will watch the movie Moana in a little bit and laugh feeling good.
I wish your letting go of results efforts are successful and thanks for your support. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 29th of July 2017 08:25:33 PM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 29th of July 2017 08:29:21 PM
a4l said
Jul 30, 2017
I am so grateful to all of you for your experience, strength and hope. It is incredibly hard for me to let go of the things which matter to me. I've been reaching out to some of the special people who have been part of my life path as well within my foo and married into foo. I check my motivations and remain on red alert for my own ego jumping in. I have a wicked temper at times and lack patience. Sometimes, my eyes wish to roll on repeat when I sniffle to myself about all the effort it takes to be calm and fair when a blind donkey could tell there's nothing for me to personally gain from doing this except karmically while everyone else will gain materially. Yes, Edna martyr is still in there a wee bit, she did so love theatre as a younger person lol. I've been thinking and went for a play at the beach with the kids today. The message I get is the same recovery one, about people being who they are, and how love and compassion can be the only correct responses. I've also realised, I tend to have incredibly high expectations of myself, and just as one takes the actions and let's go of the results, so too must I acknowledge that the effort in this instance already is a successful result. So that releives a lot of pressure. The stress, I think that's about qtip. Individuals are who they are, that's nothing to do with me or my self worth. I must simply keep putting one foot in front of the other. My HP walks with me and with us all.
Thank you my dear friends. Xxxxxx
I had a get together recently with some folks from high school. I ended up not going to the larger group gathering but got together with some closer friends. I hadn't seen anyone in years, and had been talking myself out of joining the planning committee for months. (the folks organizing seemed inept. tons of circular talking, no decisions made, etc.)
Well, arriving at the event perfectly on time (which in my world is 3-5 minutes early) didn't do me any good because everyone else was 30 -45 minutes late!
My wife was pretty upset by it, but that group, who have gotten together more frequently over the years, knew that no one was going to be on time, and they reminded me that high school had been no different. I have since forgotten, but apparently there, too, I was the only one who arrived on time. Anyway, that's a rather long story, but my point is I couldn't then and certainly cannot now make my friends arrive on time, whether or not i helped to plan the event.
You are correct, all will be as it will be. What can you do to enjoy the event and the planning, no matter what comes of it?
((A1)) Your recovery is an inspiration . I have had the pleasure of sharing this sometimes difficult often rewarding journey with you for many years and have often been inspired by your ability to love/ mother your little ones as well as your honesty and clarity.
I think program finally took hold for me when my son had relapsed and HP moved me slowly toward "acceptance of life on life's terms'- not mine.
For years I prayed for my will and often my prayers were answered but with my son's relapse, slowly but surely it became evident that he was not going to recover and no matter what I did- no matter how many rehabs/detoxs I paid for, I could not force my outcome. Instead I was shown that I could continue to love him, be there with kindness, compassion and love and accept the outcome no matter how I wanted it to be different. Each day I took the actions, let go of the results. The night he passed I found myself in his room bringing him a glass of water and assuring him he was not alone. I am eternally grateful for those moments.
There is a reading in the AA Big Book that stresses the fact that" Acceptance" is the key to recovery and I agree
You have great program skills so trust your process, stay detached. examine your motives, take the appropriate actions and the results will be inspiring.
Sending positive thoughts
I've been stressed out to the max. I do my best to come back to program. I don't always succeed and often have to go back to the 'acceptance' prayer from AA to remind me that I must truly accept life on life's terms if I'm going to find peace.
Hugs, you're always an inspiration to me!
...
...
I believe wanting good outcomes for others/all is admirable. Where I tend to muck it up is if it goes different than I believe defines 'good' then I can get irritable or anxious. It truly helps me to remember that I really, really don't know what is right or good for anyone. I just have to set aside my own brain and my ego and trust the outcomes.
You're doing great even if it doesn't feel like it! I figure if I'm able to entertain FOO, spend quality time with FOO and have some light moments and laughter that's awesome....it did not used to be that way for me.
(((Hugs))) - your effort looks great on you! Keep doing what you're doing!
a4l...Mahalo again for your honesty and humility. I read this share and the responses a few times before my morning home group meeting and made the decision to read it again when I got home and then respond myself. I was moved by it before and during the process of going to the meeting. For some reason my spirit was touched and wanting to hear more and learn more because contact with my HPs had happened. I left home and went down to the residence of a home group mate I help with a ride and got there early just as a kupuna (elderly man) was attempting to make his way across a rock wall that had fallen due to the rains we have been having. I decided to help calling out to him "Uncle, wait, let me help" He had a smile on his face like many of our elders here in Hawaii have...the smile of confidence and we got to flat ground where even then a little extra steering helped. I picked up my rides and on the way down to the meeting we spoke of awareness new and old about the disease in our families and our lives. We are all from the same family and same events and outcomes.
The meeting centered on the subject and power of acceptance which for me is the major character asset in my recovery due to the consequences of how I was raised and what I did with it later on when I was fully on my own. I centered my thinking and feeling around what was being shared both ways as I gave and as I took and practiced my meditative thinking and my spirit started to grow again.
I can and will live within the moment and let the past rest for later and keep the future under the care and mind of HP. I can and will accept being the student and letting my HPs surround me with their wisdoms and care.
The prayer says "lord make me an instrument of thy peace", not the most powerful example of it. My wife and I have just recently lost a loving pet dog named Sadie Marie. She was having severe health problems and taking it like a champ where we were not and it was our decision to end the struggle we saw her living with. Still we went thru it as a threesome even as Sadie expressed her fear and pain and we continue to express our own. My Family of Origin story has been similar they have died off and we are left without the pain and trauma that lived with them. With Sadie we loved with the family I detached powerlessly. The results for now is quietness with the practice of acceptance and forgiveness and a memory of being loved anyway.
I need some cheer and light heartedness and will watch the movie Moana in a little bit and laugh feeling good.
I wish your letting go of results efforts are successful and thanks for your support. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 29th of July 2017 08:25:33 PM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 29th of July 2017 08:29:21 PM