Hello all,
First just a little bit of info about my situation...I joined this group a few years ago and posted once or twice but went no further. Life has been up and down like a roller coaster, as I'm sure you all have experienced. I think I've been resistant to finding a local meeting or coming back here because honestly, there are days that I don't know if I even love my AH enough to put forth the effort anymore. So many days I'm absolutely sure that I'm filing for divorce that very day and will be so relieved for it to all be over. But then we have a good day and there's renewed hope for "normal". It's only been within the last 6 or 7 months that I've finally read the book that was recommended by several members of this group, "Getting Them Sober Vol. 1". Although I love the book, it hasn't been easy putting some of it into practice. Specifically, I'm having a hard time not reacting to his anger with my own anger. I know I should (and I have every right to) leave but it seems to happen so fast. It's surprising to me how quickly I go from talking at a normal volume to yelling. I was wondering if anyone else has had this problem and what helped to be able to keep a level head long enough to think of the options. I also seem to be constantly on the edge of being irritated with him these days. Even when his intoxicated level is low and he's not so bad, I still battle the urge to snap at him and go off on a rant.
hotrod said
Jul 28, 2017
Welcome back, Natalie good news is that you're not alone. I can certainly identify with all that you shared and would just like to assure you that there is hope and help. Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, progressive disease over which were powerless, searching out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community. as was recommended before is the best solution to developing new and constructive tools to live by.
I too experienced bursts of anger and pent-up resentment and self-pity as a result of living with the disease. Meetings, the Steps, sharing all helped me to let go of my anger and focus on myself
Keep comng back there is hope
mamalioness said
Jul 29, 2017
HI!! Welcome to the board...and I soooo relate to what you said about your not being sure you love the AH to do the effort, etc.....I had the same feelings until I realized that this is for ME...NOT my qualifiers...this program..all this work I am doing is for ME...NOONE else....Al-anon is OUR community to help us find us...its not about the Alcoholic its for and about us...That said, I also related to the "yea, get a few good months and get all built up" then he/she screws up again....been there done that/..with TWO alcoholic husbands and I have an adopted daughter who is very passive aggressive, her dad is alkie and he and I were friends only...I was done with alkies, but I adopted his girl because she had no other but him, and what if he wasn't able to care for her?? So i took her on...Boooy talk about a roller coaster...
she would be so sweet and loving and get me into her "hook" and then SLAM!! knock me down big time...up and down..up and down..well I get into recovery and I realize that I am the only one who can UNhook me from a toxic person....nothing changes if nothing changes...so whether they are messing up my life because of drinking or some toxic behavioral issue?? it hurts the same, and only I can change it by changing me and how I treat me and what I allow in my life..I waited till she was old enough, and began to slowly distance myself, but yea, she would "kiss up to me" and I would forgive and reconcile and let her back in to mess me over again...Recovery showed me how to take care of myself without being cruel or attacking..
Once you start meets, which I hope you do, and get into the steps with a good sponsor and start fellowshipping with healthier folks, you won't be impacted by him so much and if you want to exit?? well?? some folks leave the alcoholic..Some dont...I left my alcoholic because that was my choice...But whichever path you choose, I wouldn't do anything until I have had at least 3-6 months in recovery, REAL intense recovery..like 4-5 meets a week and step work...Then you will know what really is the best thing to do.....
I do hope you give this program a chance...It has worked so many good things in my life....
a4l said
Jul 29, 2017
I can relate to this. I turned into a raving angry creature in a rapidly short space of time. Detaching was the only medicine. Once I tried it, it got easier. My trigger was the phone. It ringing, or him not answering when he was out on a bender. It just set me off. So the first thing I changed was that. It felt so hard at the time but after the first time it just got easier. And self care at the same time. Going for a walk, updating my wardrobe, doing my brows. Keep coming back. Especially when you don't feel like it! Xx
a4l said
Jul 29, 2017
I'd add too, sometimes just don't stop to think when your inside. Go for a walk. Personally, when I'm super mad at the male species ( I say that with love, by the way) I can't get un-mad while looking at them. Just can't. Need to be away, two to ten minutes away. The hardest part is stepping out the door, much like exercise!
NatalieP said
Jul 31, 2017
Thank you all for your encouragement and I can't tell you how much it helps to "talk" with those who've walked the same road. I make friends fairly easily, but haven't been able to get too close to anyone for so long. So I don't fully confide in anyone. I can definitely see how not being in the house with him when an argument starts will help me. I hadn't thought about it as not being able to see or hear him as a way to ease some of that aggression. Sometimes just hearing his "drunk" tone is enough to rile me. I'm still a little afraid of going to a meeting and I really don't know why. I can't say if it's fear of being in a place full of strangers and revealing my secrets or if I'm afraid he'll be angry at me for going and I'm so tired of everything being a battle. He and I have tried marriage counseling 6 different times over the years and seem to always come away from that angrier at each other than before we went. With my tendency to already be bitter and angry, I don't want to stir up trouble. I really do amaze myself at how often I lash out when provoked. All my common sense goes out the window and I'm on the fight path instead of the flight path. So I am worried about either coming away from a meeting angry or depressed. I had a tiny bit of a revelation this weekend after listening to an AL Anon podcast. I had previously read about the first step and was drawing a blank on how MY life was unmanageable when he's the one with the problem. But then it dawned on me that MY life is unmanageable in a lot of ways. I just hadn't taken the time to look at it that way. My "normal" nature is to be responsible, organized, on time, no drama. There has been nothing but drama in my life for the past 10 years. I've always gotten praise (my reward) for being this way, but not anymore. No matter how "good" I am, it's ignored because we're on to the next crisis. That's probably where all this anger in me is coming from. I don't know. I do believe having face to face fellowship with people who know what my life is like would be the best thing for me to do. I guess fear is keeping me from making the initial move. I know logically the first time is the hardest.
a4l said
Jul 31, 2017
Absolutely, heaps of us have walked that road. Keep up the podcasts, come back here, and when you're ready, check some meetings out. First time I ever walked into a meeting was to prove to myself I didn't need it. Many years ago now. I went, dropped out for years, came back. It's something we do for ourselves. Hugs.
Freetime said
Jul 31, 2017
Hi, Natalie, I'm glad to hear you were helped by listening to the Al Anon podcast. There are lots of resources out there to help us.
I also avoided attending Al-Anon meetings for a while ... I think for me it was just hard to accept that alcoholism was part of my life. Finally, tremendous anger drove me to my first meeting.
When I walked into the room, I was a bit early and a woman was setting things up. She greeting me so warmly, it was as if she had been waiting just for me. She was absolutely thrilled to hear that this was my first meeting. When others came and the meeting started, it was a bit strange/unfamiliar to hear the initial readings from Al Anon literature and everyone saying their first names and being greeted with "Hi, (name)." I'd seen this in movies, but never expected to be there in real life. But there I was.
I wasn't afraid to share what brought me there, because by this time I was so desperate I was beyond shame or embarrassment ... I just didn't care, I needed relief from my pain. No one was surprised to hear my story ... I could tell by their looks that they understood.
You are so right ... face to face fellowship with people who knew what my life was like ... that's exactly what it was for me! And I am so glad I went. It has made all the difference.
I have wonderful friends in various aspects of my life ... but only the friends who have lived with alcoholism could understand this part of it, and they have helped me save my life.
I hope you'll give a meeting a try. My suggestion is to plan to get there early ... sometimes it is hard to find the meeting room, if it's a building you haven't been in before , and also you might connect with someone right away before the formal meeting starts. Also stick around after the formal meeting, as this is when you can chat with people individually.
It's working for me, and I'm not a really social person ... but these are "my people," so I feel comfortable.
Iamhere said
Aug 1, 2017
I too send warm welcomes to you Natalie. I am another who will suggest local meetings and aligning as best you can with the program. It's what gave me back my sanity (most of it, most days) as well as my peace and joy. Keep coming back here too - there is always hope and help in recovery!!!
Welcome back, Natalie good news is that you're not alone. I can certainly identify with all that you shared and would just like to assure you that there is hope and help. Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, progressive disease over which were powerless, searching out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community. as was recommended before is the best solution to developing new and constructive tools to live by.
I too experienced bursts of anger and pent-up resentment and self-pity as a result of living with the disease. Meetings, the Steps, sharing all helped me to let go of my anger and focus on myself
Keep comng back there is hope
HI!! Welcome to the board...and I soooo relate to what you said about your not being sure you love the AH to do the effort, etc.....I had the same feelings until I realized that this is for ME...NOT my qualifiers...this program..all this work I am doing is for ME...NOONE else....Al-anon is OUR community to help us find us...its not about the Alcoholic its for and about us...That said, I also related to the "yea, get a few good months and get all built up" then he/she screws up again....been there done that/..with TWO alcoholic husbands and I have an adopted daughter who is very passive aggressive, her dad is alkie and he and I were friends only...I was done with alkies, but I adopted his girl because she had no other but him, and what if he wasn't able to care for her?? So i took her on...Boooy talk about a roller coaster...
she would be so sweet and loving and get me into her "hook" and then SLAM!! knock me down big time...up and down..up and down..well I get into recovery and I realize that I am the only one who can UNhook me from a toxic person....nothing changes if nothing changes...so whether they are messing up my life because of drinking or some toxic behavioral issue?? it hurts the same, and only I can change it by changing me and how I treat me and what I allow in my life..I waited till she was old enough, and began to slowly distance myself, but yea, she would "kiss up to me" and I would forgive and reconcile and let her back in to mess me over again...Recovery showed me how to take care of myself without being cruel or attacking..
Once you start meets, which I hope you do, and get into the steps with a good sponsor and start fellowshipping with healthier folks, you won't be impacted by him so much and if you want to exit?? well?? some folks leave the alcoholic..Some dont...I left my alcoholic because that was my choice...But whichever path you choose, I wouldn't do anything until I have had at least 3-6 months in recovery, REAL intense recovery..like 4-5 meets a week and step work...Then you will know what really is the best thing to do.....
I do hope you give this program a chance...It has worked so many good things in my life....
Thank you all for your encouragement and I can't tell you how much it helps to "talk" with those who've walked the same road. I make friends fairly easily, but haven't been able to get too close to anyone for so long. So I don't fully confide in anyone. I can definitely see how not being in the house with him when an argument starts will help me. I hadn't thought about it as not being able to see or hear him as a way to ease some of that aggression. Sometimes just hearing his "drunk" tone is enough to rile me. I'm still a little afraid of going to a meeting and I really don't know why. I can't say if it's fear of being in a place full of strangers and revealing my secrets or if I'm afraid he'll be angry at me for going and I'm so tired of everything being a battle. He and I have tried marriage counseling 6 different times over the years and seem to always come away from that angrier at each other than before we went. With my tendency to already be bitter and angry, I don't want to stir up trouble. I really do amaze myself at how often I lash out when provoked. All my common sense goes out the window and I'm on the fight path instead of the flight path. So I am worried about either coming away from a meeting angry or depressed. I had a tiny bit of a revelation this weekend after listening to an AL Anon podcast. I had previously read about the first step and was drawing a blank on how MY life was unmanageable when he's the one with the problem. But then it dawned on me that MY life is unmanageable in a lot of ways. I just hadn't taken the time to look at it that way. My "normal" nature is to be responsible, organized, on time, no drama. There has been nothing but drama in my life for the past 10 years. I've always gotten praise (my reward) for being this way, but not anymore. No matter how "good" I am, it's ignored because we're on to the next crisis. That's probably where all this anger in me is coming from. I don't know. I do believe having face to face fellowship with people who know what my life is like would be the best thing for me to do. I guess fear is keeping me from making the initial move. I know logically the first time is the hardest.
Hi, Natalie, I'm glad to hear you were helped by listening to the Al Anon podcast. There are lots of resources out there to help us.
I also avoided attending Al-Anon meetings for a while ... I think for me it was just hard to accept that alcoholism was part of my life. Finally, tremendous anger drove me to my first meeting.
When I walked into the room, I was a bit early and a woman was setting things up. She greeting me so warmly, it was as if she had been waiting just for me. She was absolutely thrilled to hear that this was my first meeting. When others came and the meeting started, it was a bit strange/unfamiliar to hear the initial readings from Al Anon literature and everyone saying their first names and being greeted with "Hi, (name)." I'd seen this in movies, but never expected to be there in real life. But there I was.
I wasn't afraid to share what brought me there, because by this time I was so desperate I was beyond shame or embarrassment ... I just didn't care, I needed relief from my pain. No one was surprised to hear my story ... I could tell by their looks that they understood.
You are so right ... face to face fellowship with people who knew what my life was like ... that's exactly what it was for me! And I am so glad I went. It has made all the difference.
I have wonderful friends in various aspects of my life ... but only the friends who have lived with alcoholism could understand this part of it, and they have helped me save my life.
I hope you'll give a meeting a try. My suggestion is to plan to get there early ... sometimes it is hard to find the meeting room, if it's a building you haven't been in before , and also you might connect with someone right away before the formal meeting starts. Also stick around after the formal meeting, as this is when you can chat with people individually.
It's working for me, and I'm not a really social person ... but these are "my people," so I feel comfortable.