I am struggling while the alcoholic I love is in treatment. He relapsed two weeks ago and made the decision to not just detox but to go away and get the help he needs. I am very happy for him as he wouldn't even talk about going away again it was a hot topic. But he did it! The problem is I am struggling with the lies all around. I'm trying to be supportive of him while he is away and he has no clue about how I am feeling. I am hurt and he has no idea. He has also made even more progress since being there by accepting to stay longer and really do the work. So, I am left with these feelings and I don't know how to talk to him about it. I need to set boundaries in this relationship. I feel like I've been taken advantage of because he feels like I will always be here. But that is not the case. Since he's been gone I have been trying to put me first and take care of me. But at the end of the day this has me down. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
hotrod said
Jul 27, 2017
Welcome JD, I'm glad that you reached out and that your partner has elected to seek recovery, in an inpatient treatment program.
Alcoholism is a cunning powerful and baffling disease that affects not only the problem drinker but the entire family as well. Al-Anon is a recovery program established for families of alcoholics.and face-to-face meetings are held in most communities.
I can readily identify with how you are feeling as I have experienced the same. That is when I found Al-Anon and began attending meetings. It was here that I finally accepted that I needed the support and help of like-minded others and was given new constructive tools to live by and a supportive network to practice using these tools. I was so grateful that while my husband was receiving support. I also found the support I needed.
There is hope and help so please keep coming back and search out face-to-face meetings-- the hotline number is in the white pages
milkwood said
Jul 27, 2017
Hello JD, welcome to MIP.
Well done on reaching out - any change can feel uncomfortable, even when it is the change we've wanted - or at least that is how it felt to me. When my husband first started getting sober I would hear people say well done to him and I would feel a bit bitter that no-one said well done to me. I had to do that for myself really because all my hurt was real, and I think our feelings matter too.
I found that in early sobriety my feelings started to come back as I relaxed a bit, and the leader of the pack was my anger - I had a tornado inside that would flair out from time to time. Then I'd beat myself up for not being as supportive as I'd like but as I came to understand what was happening I could welcome whatever I felt since I knew it led to me living more fully again.
I found that I had to take time for me, to work my own recovery. Taking care of myself didn't come naturally at first so I started small and took it from there. Is there something that you'd like to do for you - guilt free, that you'd feel proud of?
Iamhere said
Jul 27, 2017
I too send welcomes to you JD - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I really had to get involved in Al-Anon and focus on my own recovery. I too had many emotions - anger, sadness, fear and much more. It is in Al-Anon that I learned how to focus on me, put me first, set healthy boundaries, detach from what others were doing, thinking, feeling, etc.
The best things I heard early on about feelings is that feelings are real but they are not facts. Most of my fear stemmed from past events that could not be changed or future projections - not happened yet! Learning how to just stay present in this day and do something recovery related for me really helped me.
I hope you'll try some meetings in your area - the local fellowship I have is beyond anything I've ever had. I can call my people, talk about what I feel/think, etc. and hear them share ESH that grounds me and reminds me I am not alone and it really will be OK.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Lyne said
Jul 28, 2017
Hello JD-I live with an alcoholic spouse who is finally getting some help, but the lies continue. I believe it comes with the disease of alcoholism, and my spouse was also shown this in her family of origin. Prior to Alanon, 4yrs now, each lie tore my guts out and made me wonder how could someone say they love me so much, and think nothing about lying right to my face? Alanon is teaching me to detach with love, and accept the things I cannot change. I can stay or leave, but I'm not sure the lying will go away. I do discuss it now with my spouse, and we will be continuing some couple's counseling, but for this to change will take an enormous amount of work on her part. Right now I see the priority as her continuing not to drink and continuing help with an addictions counselor. A person cannot fix everything all at once. Alanon can help me grow and stay sane, and have appropriate expectations. Welcome , Lyne
Jerry F said
Jul 28, 2017
The rehab he is in is surely manned by professionals in the field of addiction. I know because the one I worked in did and because of our compassionate work the alcoholic and addicts were at a loss to power and control the family, friends and associates. Alcoholics and alcoholism, the mind and mood altering fatal disease they carry, are by need very cunning, powerful and baffling and if you do not have the knowledge and experience, the willingness and strength with proper intentions this disease will create another victim we often are in our meetings. Because we often blame and judge ourselves and what we do and don't do in and with the disease confronting them includes confronting our own selves including our failures to get them clean and sober. What is the conclusion of that? we self victimize again.
Confront the Alcoholic, recovering or not with the presence of a rehab professional and be ready and willing to be confronted yourself. Until we learn a better way of handling our responses and reactions to the disease we must be willing to be confronted also. ((((hugs))))
maryjane said
Jul 28, 2017
Save your breath. He won't get it. Especially now when he is just starting the path to sobriety. Wait a few years. Yes, I said a few years. It is a slow go. It took a long while to get where you are and it will take a while to get back. Remember the 3 A's of the slogan, Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.
Be aware of the lies. Note them as lies. Don't believe them.
Then accept that they are there. Yes, those are lies.
Then your action can be to ignore them as the lie that they are. Or you can believe them and tear yourself up over them. Or you can rage at him for telling the lies and he will rage back or ignore you.
The lies are his to own. They are not yours and you should not feel bad or responsible for them. My hubby told me so many lies that I automatically didn't believe anything from him without outside verification. That is sad, but it is what it is.
Another technique I learned is the "Oh, so and go". He says something and your response is "oh", and then "so" , and then you go out of the room.
Take care of yourself.
Flyfree said
Jul 29, 2017
Hi My experience is very similar. My AH hasn't gotten in recovery yet. Everything that he says feels like a lie to me. If I give in with a small glimmer of hope that he is being truthful,. I am the one getting hurt again because it was just another lie. I am struggling with acceptance today and have been spending time praying to my higher power. The selfishness and lack of concern for my life and well-being disturbs me so much. My AH before he started drinking was always concerned and made sure certain things were taken care of at home. Now he isn't even home most days or nights, at least when I am there. Doesn't check on me, spends time with his new buddies. That is so hurtful. I have to accept that this is the disease and he is making his own choices. It has nothing to do with me. How do you shut off those feelings??? I pray, talk to someone, read the literature. Sometimes it just isn't enough. I know I just have to keep coming back and more will be revealed. I pray for him to want recovery and take action. I can't make him and I have stopped asking or encouraging. It only makes him mad. Thanks for listening.
mamalioness said
Jul 29, 2017
I agree with what Maryjane said...he wont' "get it" a former friend of my A brother asked ME to try and confront my brother for stealing $$ from "S"...to influence my A brother to get help...I said I am powerless over another person and that means their drinking..their lies, their deceit, their remourse and repeat actions...ALL of it, I am powerless....I come to alanon for ME...to help ME..to aid ME in finding myself....I am aware of what he does, but I only can accept that "it is what it is" and move on....i keep a distance from him because I don't want anything relating to alcohol around me....He called me after my sister passed, forget what day, but he wants to come see me and right off the bat, he says "well if I get drunk, you can chuck me out into our travel trailor" I said "Nooo I am not going to hassle with an active alcoholic...I am sorry, but you cannot visit me and stay around me until you are working AA and are cleanfor at least 2 years......he lies and conives, and BS's his way , he WANTS to be honest , I think, I know he is good about paying folks back what he borrows, etc., but he is a BS'r , still....I detach from it...work myprogram, stay away from the drinkers and users because that is NOT where I want to be...it is not where I am...I am Al-anon and what it stands for and I take my program seriously....Maryjane echos my feelings...when my A brother says something I just say very little and dismiss...some of his stuff is truth...some is not.......it is what it is and I cannot change another's "where he is at in life".......
Jerry F said
Jul 30, 2017
In coming to understand the disease and my alcoholic/addict spouse I learned to have compassion and empathy for alcoholics and addicts who were controlled by their addiction to chemicals that were taking their lives. I stopped judging my wife as if she should be normal other than normally very sick mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. She was not and could not fulfill my expectations or even her own and so I quit the judging and expectations. Magically my HP used my alcoholic/addict to teach me humility which otherwise I would not understand thru my anger and resentments and animosity. I never thought my wife would get sober and clean and didn't even know that she had entered the main program of the hospital I also was a therapist for. I was at an Al-Anon meeting and this man entered the room excited and told the group, "you will not believe what I just witnessed". We were all curious because of his excitement and he explained he was at the ARC, Alcohol Recovery Center family meeting and a counselor brought in a new female patient who was wearing a bag over her head and he told the group she had just put herself into recovery and when he went to her room in the morning to bring her to her first group she was sitting at the side of her bed with the bag over her head. He asked her about it and why she had it on and she told him thru the bag, "I have come to understand that if I do not allow myself to be lead blindly thru this recovery I will not live". Guess who that woman was? That was my then former alcoholic/addict wife. All of my judgements were less than and she did get clean and sober beautifully. I was way wrong and have no problem admitting it because nothing stands in my way of faith in a Power Greater Than Myself.
First 3 steps interpretation? 1. I Can't 2. God Can 3. I'll let Him.
((((hugs))))
Bo said
Jul 30, 2017
I've felt this as well. I always look at me. I don't analyze it, go on some life-long mission to find out why, or anything of the like...however, why do I feel the need to let it out, go on record, point this out, and so on. This is about me. Sure, I always felt taken advantage of. I felt like I was constantly giving out a never-ending supply of one more, one last chance. I kept doing it. Me. Angry at me? Tired of me? Ah hah...now I see why I want to go on record, and be heard. I want to be heard, to have a voice...because...I DID NOT HAVE THAT OR GET THAT CHANCE BEFORE.
OK, this is just me, my experience, my perspective on recovery and this program. Good luck.
I am struggling while the alcoholic I love is in treatment. He relapsed two weeks ago and made the decision to not just detox but to go away and get the help he needs. I am very happy for him as he wouldn't even talk about going away again it was a hot topic. But he did it! The problem is I am struggling with the lies all around. I'm trying to be supportive of him while he is away and he has no clue about how I am feeling. I am hurt and he has no idea. He has also made even more progress since being there by accepting to stay longer and really do the work. So, I am left with these feelings and I don't know how to talk to him about it. I need to set boundaries in this relationship. I feel like I've been taken advantage of because he feels like I will always be here. But that is not the case. Since he's been gone I have been trying to put me first and take care of me. But at the end of the day this has me down. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Welcome JD, I'm glad that you reached out and that your partner has elected to seek recovery, in an inpatient treatment program.
Alcoholism is a cunning powerful and baffling disease that affects not only the problem drinker but the entire family as well. Al-Anon is a recovery program established for families of alcoholics.and face-to-face meetings are held in most communities.
I can readily identify with how you are feeling as I have experienced the same. That is when I found Al-Anon and began attending meetings. It was here that I finally accepted that I needed the support and help of like-minded others and was given new constructive tools to live by and a supportive network to practice using these tools. I was so grateful that while my husband was receiving support. I also found the support I needed.
There is hope and help so please keep coming back and search out face-to-face meetings-- the hotline number is in the white pages
Well done on reaching out - any change can feel uncomfortable, even when it is the change we've wanted - or at least that is how it felt to me. When my husband first started getting sober I would hear people say well done to him and I would feel a bit bitter that no-one said well done to me. I had to do that for myself really because all my hurt was real, and I think our feelings matter too.
I found that in early sobriety my feelings started to come back as I relaxed a bit, and the leader of the pack was my anger - I had a tornado inside that would flair out from time to time. Then I'd beat myself up for not being as supportive as I'd like but as I came to understand what was happening I could welcome whatever I felt since I knew it led to me living more fully again.
I found that I had to take time for me, to work my own recovery. Taking care of myself didn't come naturally at first so I started small and took it from there. Is there something that you'd like to do for you - guilt free, that you'd feel proud of?
The best things I heard early on about feelings is that feelings are real but they are not facts. Most of my fear stemmed from past events that could not be changed or future projections - not happened yet! Learning how to just stay present in this day and do something recovery related for me really helped me.
I hope you'll try some meetings in your area - the local fellowship I have is beyond anything I've ever had. I can call my people, talk about what I feel/think, etc. and hear them share ESH that grounds me and reminds me I am not alone and it really will be OK.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
The rehab he is in is surely manned by professionals in the field of addiction. I know because the one I worked in did and because of our compassionate work the alcoholic and addicts were at a loss to power and control the family, friends and associates. Alcoholics and alcoholism, the mind and mood altering fatal disease they carry, are by need very cunning, powerful and baffling and if you do not have the knowledge and experience, the willingness and strength with proper intentions this disease will create another victim we often are in our meetings. Because we often blame and judge ourselves and what we do and don't do in and with the disease confronting them includes confronting our own selves including our failures to get them clean and sober. What is the conclusion of that? we self victimize again.
Confront the Alcoholic, recovering or not with the presence of a rehab professional and be ready and willing to be confronted yourself. Until we learn a better way of handling our responses and reactions to the disease we must be willing to be confronted also. ((((hugs))))
Be aware of the lies. Note them as lies. Don't believe them.
Then accept that they are there. Yes, those are lies.
Then your action can be to ignore them as the lie that they are. Or you can believe them and tear yourself up over them. Or you can rage at him for telling the lies and he will rage back or ignore you.
The lies are his to own. They are not yours and you should not feel bad or responsible for them. My hubby told me so many lies that I automatically didn't believe anything from him without outside verification. That is sad, but it is what it is.
Another technique I learned is the "Oh, so and go". He says something and your response is "oh", and then "so" , and then you go out of the room.
Take care of yourself.
I agree with what Maryjane said...he wont' "get it" a former friend of my A brother asked ME to try and confront my brother for stealing $$ from "S"...to influence my A brother to get help...I said I am powerless over another person and that means their drinking..their lies, their deceit, their remourse and repeat actions...ALL of it, I am powerless....I come to alanon for ME...to help ME..to aid ME in finding myself....I am aware of what he does, but I only can accept that "it is what it is" and move on....i keep a distance from him because I don't want anything relating to alcohol around me....He called me after my sister passed, forget what day, but he wants to come see me and right off the bat, he says "well if I get drunk, you can chuck me out into our travel trailor" I said "Nooo I am not going to hassle with an active alcoholic...I am sorry, but you cannot visit me and stay around me until you are working AA and are cleanfor at least 2 years......he lies and conives, and BS's his way , he WANTS to be honest , I think, I know he is good about paying folks back what he borrows, etc., but he is a BS'r , still....I detach from it...work myprogram, stay away from the drinkers and users because that is NOT where I want to be...it is not where I am...I am Al-anon and what it stands for and I take my program seriously....Maryjane echos my feelings...when my A brother says something I just say very little and dismiss...some of his stuff is truth...some is not.......it is what it is and I cannot change another's "where he is at in life".......
In coming to understand the disease and my alcoholic/addict spouse I learned to have compassion and empathy for alcoholics and addicts who were controlled by their addiction to chemicals that were taking their lives. I stopped judging my wife as if she should be normal other than normally very sick mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. She was not and could not fulfill my expectations or even her own and so I quit the judging and expectations. Magically my HP used my alcoholic/addict to teach me humility which otherwise I would not understand thru my anger and resentments and animosity. I never thought my wife would get sober and clean and didn't even know that she had entered the main program of the hospital I also was a therapist for. I was at an Al-Anon meeting and this man entered the room excited and told the group, "you will not believe what I just witnessed". We were all curious because of his excitement and he explained he was at the ARC, Alcohol Recovery Center family meeting and a counselor brought in a new female patient who was wearing a bag over her head and he told the group she had just put herself into recovery and when he went to her room in the morning to bring her to her first group she was sitting at the side of her bed with the bag over her head. He asked her about it and why she had it on and she told him thru the bag, "I have come to understand that if I do not allow myself to be lead blindly thru this recovery I will not live". Guess who that woman was? That was my then former alcoholic/addict wife. All of my judgements were less than and she did get clean and sober beautifully. I was way wrong and have no problem admitting it because nothing stands in my way of faith in a Power Greater Than Myself.
First 3 steps interpretation? 1. I Can't 2. God Can 3. I'll let Him.
((((hugs))))
OK, this is just me, my experience, my perspective on recovery and this program. Good luck.