Hi all. I just need to vent and hopefully get some ESH. My AH and I have been in therapy a month. He admitted to being a 'problem drinker' (right?) in our first session. I have known this for a while and been going to alanon and working the steps one day at a time so I am a baby in recovery. In our third session the dr confronted him with results of a test that diagnosed him with alcohol dependency and boy, did the disease ever come out. You can imagine the scene I'm sure. this is the short background to my current wonderings.
When it comes to intimacy we haven't had sex in 2 years. This is because I started refusing to have sex when he was drunk, which basically put our sex life to a halt. Lol. Then he one upped me by moving out of our bedroom into the guest room- basically took his ball and went home. ive never really confronted him about his drinking and just sort of naturally drew this boundary without even really realizing it was a boundary. I'm now wondering if this need to communicate this to him: my boundary is no sex when drinking. Like,would he come back to play if I made my reasons clear. I just wonder if it would help us reconnect on that level. The only time I have ever really talked with him about his alcohol abuse has been 1 time ina therapist's office. I feel a bit in a catch 22. If I don't tell him he will never know, but if I do tell him is it just me trying to control him? id just like to get busy again sometime before I'm dead.
SerenityRUS said
Jul 26, 2017
HI and Welcome Beth,
Have you talked to your sponsor about what's going on with you? The reason I ask is there is a good alanon book called the Dilemma of an Alcoholic Marriage. They do address a little in regards to sex or lack of it. I just find conversations like this are best brought up in a room with a therapist present because they can help guide the conversation and keep it where it needs to be vs the deflection of it all. Now this is my opinion and my mind in terms of having some serious conversation .. it would be a good opportunity to put it up on the table and then maybe talk about it. You didn't mention if he's seeking recovery or in AA or something like AA.
I agree if you don't talk about it how is he going to know .. and you are entitled to your boundaries I personally don't like having sex with someone who is drunk.
Keep coming back,
Hugs S :)
BethBethBeth said
Jul 26, 2017
Thank you Serenity. I think I will bring it up in the context of dr.s office, that seems wise. AH is not in recovery nor seeking to be. We've been married 17 years with 3 kids and I am trying to learn what my own limits & needs are, in the context of that reality. Really having to rethink the whole marriage to be honest. I love my husband like crazy - and that is probably part of the problem. Thanks for letting me vent.
Aline said
Jul 26, 2017
Hi, Beth, I don't have much in the way of ESH, just empathy (I'm another one in prolonged celibacy, Lol, although my situation was somewhat different). Keep on keeping on.
shrnp said
Jul 26, 2017
No love life here either. Alcoholism just isn't very sexy, lol.
WestMan said
Jul 26, 2017
I like Serenity's idea of bringing it up with a therapist. You are right that if you don't tell him he won't know.
Iamhere said
Jul 26, 2017
Hey Beth - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. What I love about our program is that there are really no unique situations!!!
I am one who would also suggest discussing this with a sponsor and/or your therapist. There are a million reasons why intimacy diminishes in a marriage and we all know of at least one - as Sharon suggests - alcoholism is just not very sexy!
For me, anytime I begin to question if I've 'clarified' my thoughts, boundaries, etc. it makes me a bit uncomfortable. So - I hear you and understand that you want to clarify without controlling. I've been told (sponsor) that I should really pray about it and pay attention as the opportunity will come up for me to restate or clarify....and it does work each and every time. Not always when I want it to, but it does.
I am one that looks for small miracles each day. When I first got started in Al-Anon, I was thrilled when I made it through a day without a cross word, a cross look or a negative exchange (we are a very sarcastic family). The 'success' came because I was biting my tongue and keeping my mouth shut yet it was still a huge improvement over how I felt when I lost it and/or reacted in kind.
Just keep doing what you're doing and more is always revealed! It seems in my world that the less I say the better I'm heard. I don't know if that is consistent with others but I loose my audience here fast...keep coming back - welcome to the MIP family!
Hi all. I just need to vent and hopefully get some ESH. My AH and I have been in therapy a month. He admitted to being a 'problem drinker' (right?) in our first session. I have known this for a while and been going to alanon and working the steps one day at a time so I am a baby in recovery. In our third session the dr confronted him with results of a test that diagnosed him with alcohol dependency and boy, did the disease ever come out. You can imagine the scene I'm sure. this is the short background to my current wonderings.
When it comes to intimacy we haven't had sex in 2 years. This is because I started refusing to have sex when he was drunk, which basically put our sex life to a halt. Lol. Then he one upped me by moving out of our bedroom into the guest room- basically took his ball and went home. ive never really confronted him about his drinking and just sort of naturally drew this boundary without even really realizing it was a boundary. I'm now wondering if this need to communicate this to him: my boundary is no sex when drinking. Like,would he come back to play if I made my reasons clear. I just wonder if it would help us reconnect on that level. The only time I have ever really talked with him about his alcohol abuse has been 1 time ina therapist's office. I feel a bit in a catch 22. If I don't tell him he will never know, but if I do tell him is it just me trying to control him? id just like to get busy again sometime before I'm dead.
Have you talked to your sponsor about what's going on with you? The reason I ask is there is a good alanon book called the Dilemma of an Alcoholic Marriage. They do address a little in regards to sex or lack of it. I just find conversations like this are best brought up in a room with a therapist present because they can help guide the conversation and keep it where it needs to be vs the deflection of it all. Now this is my opinion and my mind in terms of having some serious conversation .. it would be a good opportunity to put it up on the table and then maybe talk about it. You didn't mention if he's seeking recovery or in AA or something like AA.
I agree if you don't talk about it how is he going to know .. and you are entitled to your boundaries I personally don't like having sex with someone who is drunk.
Keep coming back,
Hugs S :)
I am one who would also suggest discussing this with a sponsor and/or your therapist. There are a million reasons why intimacy diminishes in a marriage and we all know of at least one - as Sharon suggests - alcoholism is just not very sexy!
For me, anytime I begin to question if I've 'clarified' my thoughts, boundaries, etc. it makes me a bit uncomfortable. So - I hear you and understand that you want to clarify without controlling. I've been told (sponsor) that I should really pray about it and pay attention as the opportunity will come up for me to restate or clarify....and it does work each and every time. Not always when I want it to, but it does.
I am one that looks for small miracles each day. When I first got started in Al-Anon, I was thrilled when I made it through a day without a cross word, a cross look or a negative exchange (we are a very sarcastic family). The 'success' came because I was biting my tongue and keeping my mouth shut yet it was still a huge improvement over how I felt when I lost it and/or reacted in kind.
Just keep doing what you're doing and more is always revealed! It seems in my world that the less I say the better I'm heard. I don't know if that is consistent with others but I loose my audience here fast...keep coming back - welcome to the MIP family!