Was giving a good friend a ride this morning. Eventually during our conversation she asked how my AW has been and was wondering if she was still going to meetings. She said my wife had told her about the addiction and starting AA. I told her that I appreciated her asking but that she would have to ask my wife. I explained that it is important that I respect my wife's anonymity.
I know I shouldn't future trip but in this case I'm glad I had thought through at least a little because I guess my wife has told a few people that I don't know about. My time between meetings can be a bit lonely when it comes to the disease and I knew I would be tempted to share with any friend who asked about it. Right now my AW is not going to meetings and sometimes I can smell alcohol but I still feel like it would humiliate her even if my motivation was just to get support or vent to a friend.
As it stands now the only person I've spoken to about it is our 13 year old son who my wife also told. And only then to educate him not for me to complain. Have I done this right? I'm trying to protect her anonymity. Or am I short changing myself by not obtaining a little moral support from a few trusted friends or family members.
-- Edited by WestMan on Wednesday 26th of July 2017 12:42:50 PM
hotrod said
Jul 26, 2017
Hi WestMan I believe that you did the right thing, I would have no problem sharing about my attendance in alanon, offering the tools I was using and validating the fact that AA and alanon are fantastic recovery tools but that discussing a partner's recovery is up to our partners.
You worked the 12th Tradition and placed principles above personalities. Good Work
SerenityRUS said
Jul 26, 2017
I agree, if you are needing someone to talk to a sponsor is a great place to go and building those relationships is so incredibly important. I love after meetings that's when people seem to really open up in terms of what is really going on.
Hugs S :)
WestMan said
Jul 26, 2017
I don't feel right telling people about Al-Anon either because it seems like that's as good as saying "yup, my wife's an alcoholic and things are super crazy and sick in our family."
SerenityRUS said
Jul 26, 2017
That is up to you what you want to share .. no one else can make that choice .. my recovery is my recovery what other people choose to do is up to them .. I don't think either answer is "wrong". I also have known women specifically that if their sig other knew it would have been a dangerous situation for them so their reasons for not telling had everything to do with the issue of safety. I would rather see these folks at meetings vs not.
The other issue is running into others outside of meetings .. we ran a small town so more often than not you would see someone .. because of that we all had a meeting about anonymity what that means to us individually .. my thing was if someone wanted to say hello and chat I had NO issues with that at all so feel free to approach me. There were others who indicated that was not their comfort level .. so if I did see them we nodded and kept on walking. So it really is an issue of feeling safe emotionally, physically and mentally. If I was with someone I usually introduced them as someone from a church group. It is sort of true .. we meet in the bottom of the basement at church .. lol. Or it's a coffee date that we are doing a book study .. also a true statement.
I think knowing where I am at is important because it helps me value me in terms of personal boundaries .. so it is what it is .. I also think you would be surprised to know what goes on behind someone else's doors things are probably crazier at times and then crazy .. no one lives a truly charmed life .. I don't think life works that way.
Hugs :)
Iamhere said
Jul 26, 2017
I believe you were true to where you are and that's perfect progress! As far as telling vs. not telling, I tend to lean into the 'when anyone any where reaches out for help, let the hand of Al-Anon and AlaTeen always be there, and let it begin with me. So - I don't volunteer my recovery experience any where for any reason, but if/when asked, I will inform about recovery.
When I am troubled, I do reach out to my sponsor or trusted program friends. My experience in trying to share with those outside of recovery including family that love me has not worked well. They do offer extensive advice and tell me what to do and I just wanted to be heard. I have no issue if someone from the program approaches me in a different setting - I have tons of friends in recovery. We practice anonymity by not sharing how we know each other and I've also said church or softball or simply I don't remember. Most folks I am with know me well enough to not pry into my life (ask me where I know someone from) - I know millions of people through sports, kids, school, scouting, work, professional organizations, volunteering, etc. - an easy response of I don't rightly remember works well too!
For years, I told people that I met my AH playing poker! I did use to play poker so it fit well at the time....Just do you and it will be as it should be!
2HP said
Jul 26, 2017
In my opinion, this woman is yet another unhealthy person walking around on the planet with no boundaries whatsoever. This is
NONE OF HER BUSINESS.
Talking about your "friend" behind her back is called gossip. I don't know about you but I personally don't allow gossip mongers in my circle and I will tell you why... if they are gossiping about others, I can be sure that they're gossiping about ME too.
So I applaud you BIG TIME for setting a boundary with this woman by removing yourself in the triangulation she had attempted by telling her to go directly to the source, your wife. This is YOUR WIFE'S story to tell and not yours. I'd be furious if my partner began talking with our friends about my private life, especially my personal struggles.
As for self support, I found that anyone who was not sitting in the recovery rooms gave me terrible advice, they only added chaos to the confusion. So my suggestion is to only go to the fellowship where everyone else is trying to get healthy too. My sponsor is my true confidant.
Long ago, she had given me a simple gem to live by:
BE THE PARTNER THAT YOU WANT YOUR PARTNER TO BE.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 26th of July 2017 05:30:07 PM
WestMan said
Jul 26, 2017
2HP wrote:
In my opinion, this woman is yet another unhealthy person walking around on the planet with no boundaries whatsoever. This is
NONE OF HER BUSINESS.
Talking about your "friend" behind her back is called gossip. I don't know about you but I personally don't allow gossip mongers in my circle and I will tell you why... if they are gossiping about others, I can be sure that they're gossiping about ME too.
So I applaud you BIG TIME for setting a boundary with this woman by removing yourself in the triangulation she had attempted by telling her to go directly to the source, your wife. This is YOUR WIFE'S story to tell and not yours. I'd be furious if my partner began talking with our friends about my private life, especially my personal struggles.
As for self support, I found that anyone who was not sitting in the recovery rooms gave me terrible advice, they only added chaos to the confusion. So my suggestion is to only go to the fellowship where everyone else is trying to get healthy too. My sponsor is my true confidant.
Long ago, she had given me a simple gem to live by:
BE THE PARTNER THAT YOU WANT YOUR PARTNER TO BE.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 26th of July 2017 05:30:07 PM
I appreciate the kudos, but you've read much more into our friend than what is there. I've known this person for years and have never known her to gossip. I believe she just is concerned. While I don't say anything about what's going on with the disease I don't think my friends have to be around very long before they notice something is going on. I tend to exude an air of quiet tension.
a4l said
Jul 27, 2017
I read a situation handled gracefully and appropriately. Good on you I agree with recovery being a safer space for how another's drinking is affecting you. I mean on the one hand, we keep another's confidence by not discussing their recovery. On the other hand, we are affected by the alcoholism of those we love, and no one should do that alone. I don't see the friends role so much as important, as it is illustrative of recovery practice: how to begin healthy boundaries. Respecting everyone in the triangle, you, your partner,your friend, by keeping it simple and honest.
Keep on keeping on!
with the quiet tension exuding, one of my counsellors used to ask, so, what's going on for you? And because we had a shared understanding and a trust implicit and based in recovery, I could answer her honestly. It was such a relief. I hope you have someone trustworthy and wise for you.
milkwood said
Jul 27, 2017
I think you handled it well as far as your wife's autonomy is concerned.
But what about you and your support structure?
Sponsors are great, Al Anon is great, good friends are great as well and I have some who manage to be non-judgemental and who simply care for both me and my husband.
I never kept my situation secret or tried to cover things up since that made me feel dishonest and as though I was getting into hock with alcoholism. Things were simply what they were and I wasn't going to lie to my friends. Like you most could see what was going on anyway and they often helped me to laugh in the face of the chaos as well.
I did make a point of keeping the focus on me, my confusion, concern etc and did not gossip about what my husband was or wasn't doing - partly because going down that path was unhelpful for me and I could, if encouraged, have gone on all night!!
Jerry F said
Jul 27, 2017
This is a great thread and very important. I've learned with and thru this and it reminded me of some simple guidelines that have become slogans in my recovery life. "When in doubt?....don't" is one that my former sponsor gave me under situations where I questioned what I was supposed to do. When there was doubt about it...do nothing. That doesn't sit well with an enabler which I practiced 24/7 back then and then what helped me to remember well was that my sponsors name was Don.T....Mahalo HP. ((((hugs))))
2HP said
Jul 27, 2017
I appreciate the fellowship responses regarding the "right thing."
I believe that if this woman directly contacts your wife to ask her directly how she is doing out of her concern (words and actions matching up)... and if you yourself have told your wife that her friend has inquired about her meeting schedule...
...if everyone's behavior is out in the open and wife is fine with it, then no harm done, right? when everyone involved agrees they have not been harmed or affected, then it was surely the "right" thing.
You could also reverse the tables by asking yourself if one of your mutual male friends asked your wife how YOU are doing in recovery and how your meeting schedule is coming along.... how that would feel??
As I look back at my previous post, I realize (by the use of capital letters) that your post triggered me. First the female friend asking YOU about your wife. And then you mention your "loneliness." This particular combination triggers my personal insecurities regarding relationship betrayal and infidelity....
My regrets for projecting my personal experience here.
You may be right that all motives came from pure intentions. I hope that my overall comments are viewed as neutral food for thought regarding the topic "Right Thing." which, in our program, might be defined as God's Will (((peace))) to all
WestMan said
Jul 27, 2017
2HP wrote:
As I look back at my previous post, I realize (by the use of capital letters) that your post triggered me. First the female friend asking YOU about your wife. And then you mention your "loneliness." This particular combination triggers my personal insecurities regarding relationship betrayal and infidelity....
Well you may also be onto something here and I'm sorry to offend anyone. I know that many here have dealt with infidelity in a partner who was supposed to be committed. I find myself in a situation with zero affection and I am extremely lonely. While I've not gone outside of my marriage the temptation to find some shred of love is palpable. I did not want or choose to have a loveless relationship and often I think I'd prefer the cheating if it meant we had something between us.
milkwood said
Jul 28, 2017
I understand those feelings WestMan, your honesty is refreshing. It is difficult to feel lonely in a marriage.
I chose to address my loneliness without cheating only because I know I'd feel bad about myself if I did. I figured that if I left my marriage I would be single and potentially alone so I might as well practise making the best of my own life from where I am today so I spend time with friends and on pastimes that give me positive feedback. I have often thought that if I leave my husband it would be about me and meeting my own needs.
shrnp said
Jul 28, 2017
I know this post was about anonymity but loneliness is an unfair symptom of the disease that effects partners and spouses. I don't think infidelity is an answer either, but I think whether someone chooses to stay in a relationship or not is a personal choice. Ignoring someone can cause that person to have low self-esteem and make them wonder what is wrong with me? That is how I felt, and now that I live alone when I am by myself it is a totally different feeling. For me now when I want to be alone it is choice and does not feel like some kind of punishment.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 28th of July 2017 12:35:04 PM
Was giving a good friend a ride this morning. Eventually during our conversation she asked how my AW has been and was wondering if she was still going to meetings. She said my wife had told her about the addiction and starting AA. I told her that I appreciated her asking but that she would have to ask my wife. I explained that it is important that I respect my wife's anonymity.
I know I shouldn't future trip but in this case I'm glad I had thought through at least a little because I guess my wife has told a few people that I don't know about. My time between meetings can be a bit lonely when it comes to the disease and I knew I would be tempted to share with any friend who asked about it. Right now my AW is not going to meetings and sometimes I can smell alcohol but I still feel like it would humiliate her even if my motivation was just to get support or vent to a friend.
As it stands now the only person I've spoken to about it is our 13 year old son who my wife also told. And only then to educate him not for me to complain. Have I done this right? I'm trying to protect her anonymity. Or am I short changing myself by not obtaining a little moral support from a few trusted friends or family members.
-- Edited by WestMan on Wednesday 26th of July 2017 12:42:50 PM
You worked the 12th Tradition and placed principles above personalities. Good Work
Hugs S :)
The other issue is running into others outside of meetings .. we ran a small town so more often than not you would see someone .. because of that we all had a meeting about anonymity what that means to us individually .. my thing was if someone wanted to say hello and chat I had NO issues with that at all so feel free to approach me. There were others who indicated that was not their comfort level .. so if I did see them we nodded and kept on walking. So it really is an issue of feeling safe emotionally, physically and mentally. If I was with someone I usually introduced them as someone from a church group. It is sort of true .. we meet in the bottom of the basement at church .. lol. Or it's a coffee date that we are doing a book study .. also a true statement.
I think knowing where I am at is important because it helps me value me in terms of personal boundaries .. so it is what it is .. I also think you would be surprised to know what goes on behind someone else's doors things are probably crazier at times and then crazy .. no one lives a truly charmed life .. I don't think life works that way.
Hugs :)
When I am troubled, I do reach out to my sponsor or trusted program friends. My experience in trying to share with those outside of recovery including family that love me has not worked well. They do offer extensive advice and tell me what to do and I just wanted to be heard. I have no issue if someone from the program approaches me in a different setting - I have tons of friends in recovery. We practice anonymity by not sharing how we know each other and I've also said church or softball or simply I don't remember. Most folks I am with know me well enough to not pry into my life (ask me where I know someone from) - I know millions of people through sports, kids, school, scouting, work, professional organizations, volunteering, etc. - an easy response of I don't rightly remember works well too!
For years, I told people that I met my AH playing poker! I did use to play poker so it fit well at the time....Just do you and it will be as it should be!
In my opinion, this woman is yet another unhealthy person walking around on the planet with no boundaries whatsoever. This is
NONE OF HER BUSINESS.
Talking about your "friend" behind her back is called gossip. I don't know about you but I personally don't allow gossip mongers in my circle and I will tell you why... if they are gossiping about others, I can be sure that they're gossiping about ME too.
So I applaud you BIG TIME for setting a boundary with this woman by removing yourself in the triangulation she had attempted by telling her to go directly to the source, your wife. This is YOUR WIFE'S story to tell and not yours. I'd be furious if my partner began talking with our friends about my private life, especially my personal struggles.
As for self support, I found that anyone who was not sitting in the recovery rooms gave me terrible advice, they only added chaos to the confusion. So my suggestion is to only go to the fellowship where everyone else is trying to get healthy too. My sponsor is my true confidant.
Long ago, she had given me a simple gem to live by:
BE THE PARTNER THAT YOU WANT YOUR PARTNER TO BE.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 26th of July 2017 05:30:07 PM
I appreciate the kudos, but you've read much more into our friend than what is there. I've known this person for years and have never known her to gossip. I believe she just is concerned. While I don't say anything about what's going on with the disease I don't think my friends have to be around very long before they notice something is going on. I tend to exude an air of quiet tension.
But what about you and your support structure?
Sponsors are great, Al Anon is great, good friends are great as well and I have some who manage to be non-judgemental and who simply care for both me and my husband.
I never kept my situation secret or tried to cover things up since that made me feel dishonest and as though I was getting into hock with alcoholism. Things were simply what they were and I wasn't going to lie to my friends. Like you most could see what was going on anyway and they often helped me to laugh in the face of the chaos as well.
I did make a point of keeping the focus on me, my confusion, concern etc and did not gossip about what my husband was or wasn't doing - partly because going down that path was unhelpful for me and I could, if encouraged, have gone on all night!!
This is a great thread and very important. I've learned with and thru this and it reminded me of some simple guidelines that have become slogans in my recovery life. "When in doubt?....don't" is one that my former sponsor gave me under situations where I questioned what I was supposed to do. When there was doubt about it...do nothing. That doesn't sit well with an enabler which I practiced 24/7 back then and then what helped me to remember well was that my sponsors name was Don.T....Mahalo HP. ((((hugs))))
I believe that if this woman directly contacts your wife to ask her directly how she is doing out of her concern (words and actions matching up)... and if you yourself have told your wife that her friend has inquired about her meeting schedule...
...if everyone's behavior is out in the open and wife is fine with it, then no harm done, right? when everyone involved agrees they have not been harmed or affected, then it was surely the "right" thing.
You could also reverse the tables by asking yourself if one of your mutual male friends asked your wife how YOU are doing in recovery and how your meeting schedule is coming along.... how that would feel??
As I look back at my previous post, I realize (by the use of capital letters) that your post triggered me. First the female friend asking YOU about your wife. And then you mention your "loneliness." This particular combination triggers my personal insecurities regarding relationship betrayal and infidelity....
My regrets for projecting my personal experience here.
You may be right that all motives came from pure intentions. I hope that my overall comments are viewed as neutral food for thought regarding the topic "Right Thing." which, in our program, might be defined as God's Will (((peace))) to all
Well you may also be onto something here and I'm sorry to offend anyone. I know that many here have dealt with infidelity in a partner who was supposed to be committed. I find myself in a situation with zero affection and I am extremely lonely. While I've not gone outside of my marriage the temptation to find some shred of love is palpable. I did not want or choose to have a loveless relationship and often I think I'd prefer the cheating if it meant we had something between us.
I chose to address my loneliness without cheating only because I know I'd feel bad about myself if I did. I figured that if I left my marriage I would be single and potentially alone so I might as well practise making the best of my own life from where I am today so I spend time with friends and on pastimes that give me positive feedback. I have often thought that if I leave my husband it would be about me and meeting my own needs.
I know this post was about anonymity but loneliness is an unfair symptom of the disease that effects partners and spouses. I don't think infidelity is an answer either, but I think whether someone chooses to stay in a relationship or not is a personal choice. Ignoring someone can cause that person to have low self-esteem and make them wonder what is wrong with me? That is how I felt, and now that I live alone when I am by myself it is a totally different feeling. For me now when I want to be alone it is choice and does not feel like some kind of punishment.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 28th of July 2017 12:35:04 PM