I am new to this forum, and came her specifically for some opinions on the matter of my MIL. My husband and I are expecting our first child in January and had our gender reveal this last weekend. I picked up his mother and brought her to our home, when she got to our home within 15 minutes she could barely talk because she was so drunk. My husband ended up taking her home. Now let me give a little back story.
My mother was an alcoholic from before I could remember. I dont have any good childhood memories that did not end in her being drunk or leaving us at a friends house so that she could go out and drink. I ended up cutting communication with her at 13 and finally started building a relationship with her when I was 23. We now have a farely good relationship, but it is more of a friendship rather than a mother daughter relationship. She is healthy now and making good choices.
My husbands mother began drinking in his teens (around 20 years ago) and has been in and out of rehab, prison, jail, and halfway homes. She lost her marriage, job, house and her life as she knew it. She says she regularly attends meetings, and he thought she was doing better. 2 years ago we went to her meeting for her to get her 2 year chip. It was the longest she had been sober since she had started drinking. We were all very proud of her. Around new years his sister posted on his mothers facebook to get to a meeting asap. So we had an idea that she might be relapsing. We do not see her very often. She is legally not allowed to drive and lived until recently 40 minutes away from us.
Anyhow, on Saturday I picked her up at her house and she seemed just fine. I had to make one stop at the dollar store and asked if she could stay in the car with the ac on because I had ice for our party in the back seat. I come back to the car not even 5 minutes later and the car is off and her window is down. She said she was cold, not a big deal, So I turned the car on and kept on our way back to my house. She still seemed ok, but was a bit more giggly (I realize this now looking back and the situation). By the time we got to our house she was a little bit wobbly. My husband noticed it right away and confronted her about it. She couldn't even open our screen door, or so we thought, but she actually locked it and unlocked it. When I went back inside within about 10 minutes of getting to the house she could barely even talk. My husband told her he was taking her home and asked her where her purse was. She couldn't find it because she was standing on it.
My husband and I talked about it and he figures she had something in her water bottle she had with her.
All of this explanation is not to degrade his mother in anyway, it is just to get the severity of the situation across. His mother was coming to the gender reveal for our first child and her first grandchild knowing it was a big day for us, and from the time it took us to drive from her house to mine which probably took a total of 30 minutes she could barely walk up the stairs.
She brought a bunch of stuff with her because our gender reveal was also a house warming party because we just bought a new home. My husband and I are going to take all the stuff back to her this weekend and let her know that until she can change her ways she will not be allowed to be a part of our sons life. We dont want our son to have to feel any of the pain we felt growing up and dont feel safe allowing her to be around him if she is so unstable. she has never actually hit rock bottom. For my mother it took almost 20 years, losing all 5 of her children, and going to prison for 5 years. I feel like no one has ever held his mother accountable, she does things that hurts my husband for sure, but right after everyone acts like nothing happened. My husband is done hurting and feels like his mother is more of a burden and that he is responsible for her simply because he feels obligated to be.
My question is: What are the appropriate boundaries for us to set? We are wanting to tell her she will not be allowed around our child until we can trust her sobriety, but how do we do that without causing it to get worse? What is the appropriate way to have this conversation with her?
We want to do this the right way, and I feel like my husband is to the point of cutting all ties. This last weekend was the last straw.
Thank you in advanced for your advice. We want to make sure we do this in the best way to hopefully encourage her sobriety. If she doesnt get better, my husband is ready to cut ties completely.
Jerry F said
Jul 26, 2017
Aloha Ducky and welcome to the board. This is family, members who have been affected by someone else's drinking and using. Most of us are also members of the Al-Anon Family Groups a social model recovery program based upon the 12step 12tradition practices as AA is. We do not give advice having learned that most often that doesn't work. We do share our ESH...or Experiences, Strengths, and Hopes because what has worked for us might work for others as they are moved to try it themselves including the steps and traditions. Al-Anon is over 70 years old and found around the planet because it works when we work it. We have come to acknowledge and accept that we are powerless over alcohol and someone else's drinking and then release all attempts to control them.
We learn to control ourselves giving up thoughts, feelings, and practices which don't work in favor of those we hear have worked for others in the program which we then attempt to apply our way.
None of us have any power or control over your MIL's alcoholism and we dare not try for what has worked for us may not come close to working for you. We do not know how you and your husband attempt to change how you are going thru this illness in your life.
Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. It can not be cured only arrested by total abstinence and if not arrested will often result in progressive deterioration becoming fatal often. Alcoholism is not a great respecter of those affected by someone else's drinking and often we get as bad or worse than the alcoholic without using the chemical. We need help as much and often more than the alcoholic and therefore the existence of Al-Anon.
You can find Al-Anon in the white pages of you local telephone book or by asking information centers at your rehabs and hospitals. You will find it well worth your effort.
please keep coming back here to MIP because the Love, Help and Support is very powerful. (((((hugs)))))
hotrod said
Jul 26, 2017
Welcome Ducky I agree with all that Jerry has shared and would again like to urge you and your partner to search out alanon face to face meetings and attend.
There is hope and even if we are powerless over the disease of alcoholism , we do have power over our own choices and lives . In alanon I was given healthy tools to live by and the courage to draw healthy boundaries. Keep coming back
Iamhere said
Jul 26, 2017
I too send you warm welcomes Ducky....I am sorry how you and your husband have been affected by the disease. I also believe the best suggestions for you both would be to seek local recovery in Al-Anon Family Groups. There are no quick fixes for a long-time disease - we focus instead on one day at a time.
There is hope and help for those who choose recovery. AA is for the alcoholic and AFG is for family and friends affected by another's drinking/use. You are welcome to attend whether the other person is in recovery or not. It is in Al-Anon that I learned how to take care of me, keep the focus on me and set up boundaries that work well for my situation. I also learned how to detach from the disease and not to dwell on what may happen or the past.
I hope you keep coming back!
WestMan said
Jul 26, 2017
Hi Ducky. You and your husband did nothing wrong. You and the health of your family have to come first. I would repeat what the others said and suggest a live meeting.
Hello,
I am new to this forum, and came her specifically for some opinions on the matter of my MIL. My husband and I are expecting our first child in January and had our gender reveal this last weekend. I picked up his mother and brought her to our home, when she got to our home within 15 minutes she could barely talk because she was so drunk. My husband ended up taking her home. Now let me give a little back story.
My mother was an alcoholic from before I could remember. I dont have any good childhood memories that did not end in her being drunk or leaving us at a friends house so that she could go out and drink. I ended up cutting communication with her at 13 and finally started building a relationship with her when I was 23. We now have a farely good relationship, but it is more of a friendship rather than a mother daughter relationship. She is healthy now and making good choices.
My husbands mother began drinking in his teens (around 20 years ago) and has been in and out of rehab, prison, jail, and halfway homes. She lost her marriage, job, house and her life as she knew it. She says she regularly attends meetings, and he thought she was doing better. 2 years ago we went to her meeting for her to get her 2 year chip. It was the longest she had been sober since she had started drinking. We were all very proud of her. Around new years his sister posted on his mothers facebook to get to a meeting asap. So we had an idea that she might be relapsing. We do not see her very often. She is legally not allowed to drive and lived until recently 40 minutes away from us.
Anyhow, on Saturday I picked her up at her house and she seemed just fine. I had to make one stop at the dollar store and asked if she could stay in the car with the ac on because I had ice for our party in the back seat. I come back to the car not even 5 minutes later and the car is off and her window is down. She said she was cold, not a big deal, So I turned the car on and kept on our way back to my house. She still seemed ok, but was a bit more giggly (I realize this now looking back and the situation). By the time we got to our house she was a little bit wobbly. My husband noticed it right away and confronted her about it. She couldn't even open our screen door, or so we thought, but she actually locked it and unlocked it. When I went back inside within about 10 minutes of getting to the house she could barely even talk. My husband told her he was taking her home and asked her where her purse was. She couldn't find it because she was standing on it.
My husband and I talked about it and he figures she had something in her water bottle she had with her.
All of this explanation is not to degrade his mother in anyway, it is just to get the severity of the situation across. His mother was coming to the gender reveal for our first child and her first grandchild knowing it was a big day for us, and from the time it took us to drive from her house to mine which probably took a total of 30 minutes she could barely walk up the stairs.
She brought a bunch of stuff with her because our gender reveal was also a house warming party because we just bought a new home. My husband and I are going to take all the stuff back to her this weekend and let her know that until she can change her ways she will not be allowed to be a part of our sons life. We dont want our son to have to feel any of the pain we felt growing up and dont feel safe allowing her to be around him if she is so unstable. she has never actually hit rock bottom. For my mother it took almost 20 years, losing all 5 of her children, and going to prison for 5 years. I feel like no one has ever held his mother accountable, she does things that hurts my husband for sure, but right after everyone acts like nothing happened. My husband is done hurting and feels like his mother is more of a burden and that he is responsible for her simply because he feels obligated to be.
My question is:
What are the appropriate boundaries for us to set?
We are wanting to tell her she will not be allowed around our child until we can trust her sobriety, but how do we do that without causing it to get worse?
What is the appropriate way to have this conversation with her?
We want to do this the right way, and I feel like my husband is to the point of cutting all ties. This last weekend was the last straw.
Thank you in advanced for your advice. We want to make sure we do this in the best way to hopefully encourage her sobriety. If she doesnt get better, my husband is ready to cut ties completely.
Aloha Ducky and welcome to the board. This is family, members who have been affected by someone else's drinking and using. Most of us are also members of the Al-Anon Family Groups a social model recovery program based upon the 12step 12tradition practices as AA is. We do not give advice having learned that most often that doesn't work. We do share our ESH...or Experiences, Strengths, and Hopes because what has worked for us might work for others as they are moved to try it themselves including the steps and traditions. Al-Anon is over 70 years old and found around the planet because it works when we work it. We have come to acknowledge and accept that we are powerless over alcohol and someone else's drinking and then release all attempts to control them.
We learn to control ourselves giving up thoughts, feelings, and practices which don't work in favor of those we hear have worked for others in the program which we then attempt to apply our way.
None of us have any power or control over your MIL's alcoholism and we dare not try for what has worked for us may not come close to working for you. We do not know how you and your husband attempt to change how you are going thru this illness in your life.
Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. It can not be cured only arrested by total abstinence and if not arrested will often result in progressive deterioration becoming fatal often. Alcoholism is not a great respecter of those affected by someone else's drinking and often we get as bad or worse than the alcoholic without using the chemical. We need help as much and often more than the alcoholic and therefore the existence of Al-Anon.
You can find Al-Anon in the white pages of you local telephone book or by asking information centers at your rehabs and hospitals. You will find it well worth your effort.
please keep coming back here to MIP because the Love, Help and Support is very powerful. (((((hugs)))))
There is hope and even if we are powerless over the disease of alcoholism , we do have power over our own choices and lives . In alanon I was given healthy tools to live by and the courage to draw healthy boundaries. Keep coming back
There is hope and help for those who choose recovery. AA is for the alcoholic and AFG is for family and friends affected by another's drinking/use. You are welcome to attend whether the other person is in recovery or not. It is in Al-Anon that I learned how to take care of me, keep the focus on me and set up boundaries that work well for my situation. I also learned how to detach from the disease and not to dwell on what may happen or the past.
I hope you keep coming back!