As some of you remember, I have been separated from my AH for a week and a half, after I called the police after a domestic incident. It has been so painful to be ripped apart like this, even though I know it's for the best, we were together for 10 years, many of them great, and suddenly he has been ejected from our life and family. So much of his stuff is still here, shadows of our life together. I still love him so much, but he has changed to such a dark version of himself over the past two years as his alcoholism has progressed and it's just a tragic way for our life together to end. I have to think of myself and my daughter and move on with life. When I saw him off in the distance tonight, I wanted to be there for him so intensely (I know I can't, and honesty I don't TRULY want to get dragged through another crisis with him). I feel so much guilt for making a statement at the police department about the domestic violence and possibly making things harder for him. I know it's not my fault, I know these consequences will hopefully be a wake up call for him and that he caused them himself, I know all of these things, but it still hurts my heart so much. I'm aware that rescuing is at the heart of codependence and a huge part of my problem, and I'm trying to remember those feelings aren't love.
I can't be with him any more, things are too broken and his problems are too big for us to handle. After leaving the handoff, I could see him grab his friend's arm out of relief, like maybe there was a chance for our marriage, it breaks my heart to think he could still think we have a chance at being together and instead he will be sent separation papers. I'm also trying to remember that he is doing everything he can subconsciously or consciously to pull me back in. I know this is all part of codependence, taking on his feelings, fearing for his consequences, and feeling responsible. I'm just overwhelmed by anxiety and the part of me that still feels like he is my husband and I should be there for him.
For anyone that has left an alcoholic spouse, how did you deal with the anxiety and stay strong in the face of the positive memories that you did share? I know the person I'm mourning the loss of was already leaving me even when we were together, and I hope more than anything for the sake of my daughter that that man comes back at least for her. I'm in the process of dealing with legal separation, which means selling the matrimonial home or buying him out and staying there myself. I can't decide if it's too depressing to stay here or not. I also feel like maybe he will get sober and there could be hope for us down the road, but I think regardless of that we need to split things apart now so that we can move on with our lives without holding each other back. He needs money to restart his life and we can't work on our marriage the way things are now. He needs to focus on himself and being a dad, and I need to do the same for myself and my daughter. Whatever the future holds has nothing to do with right now. Not really sure what my questions or points are, it just helps to share with everything that is happening.
mamalioness said
Jul 18, 2017
I feel so much guilt for making a statement at the police department about the domestic violence and possibly making things harder for him
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I am assuming you told the truth, right??? What is wrong with telling the truth??? Nothing..and like you said, maybe the consequences will smack him in the head and he will belly up to the program...I had to tell the truth about my X, too...cops took him into jail....I told the Truth...I did not lie or try and cover up for him and AGAIN, make him feel that what he did to me was alright...because it was NOT alright, the stuff he did...I NEVER feel bad when I speak the truth, as it is, the truth is the one thing that set me free from all the insanity
VickiR said
Jul 18, 2017
I did just tell the truth, it's just hard. Honestly it's hard for me because I don't feel like it was that bad and that the consequences are so bad, not that I deserved it, but just that I can handle it. I know that is a huge issue for me, and I have to figure out why I have this weird problem being unaffected by clearly unacceptable behaviour.
mamalioness said
Jul 18, 2017
For anyone that has left an alcoholic spouse, how did you deal with the anxiety and stay strong in the face of the positive memories that you did share? I know the person I'm mourning the loss of was already leaving me even when we were together, and I hope more than anything for the sake of my daughter that that man comes back at least for her.
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I cried for the life I wanted with him and knew I would never get....I had stages of anger where I would get on the tennis court and slam balls into the fence, because I was so angry...at him for screwing up our lives...at me for not putting my foot down sooner....even at LIFE...i went through the stagesof grief: anger, sadness, mourning in cycles, till I worked it out....I didn't know about alanon back then..wish I did, my recovery from this would have been faster...easier perhaps and definitely more focused on MY care....
I hope he can be a dad to your daughter too, but unless he gets help, hes married to the booze...booze comes first...above all else...UNLESS they stop...get into AA...work at least 5 years to change their patterns from drunk life to sober/clean/healthy life....oh yea....
it was very hard at first, but luckily I had great friends who supported me (still wish I had had alanon) but anyway, it was tough but I knew I had done the right thing...I wanted no more of drunks, insane living, worrying if he isn't home at night, worrying is he gonna burn down the house, cooking while drunk, listening to him puke at 3am , listening to him yell at my poor dogs, picking up the messes he made while I tried to sleep...
BUT we did have some good times together...our trips, the laughter, the spontaneity of getting up in the am, and just "deciding" last minute to go somewhere....he was a good man..really he was, but he was slowly killing himself with the alcohol (AH #1 was a turd and I had nothing good to remember him with,so i worked on letting go the anger, unforgiveness for ME at being so stupid as to marry abusive person) but AH #2 was the nice, kind one.....yea, it was hard to cut him loose, but I had to to save ME...to get into recovery which I did, finally, and to find me...
I can an do remember the good with AH#2..I married into alcohol because that is the only way of life that I knew.....the buck stops with me, now, because I am in alanon where I learned about my own sickness and unhealthy patterns that kept me gravitating to unhealthy relationships like these two.....WHY did I marry it??? TWICE??? So i had to work the steps and find out about ME and why I didn't think I deserved any better than disappointment, chaos, drama, financial hardship, etc...NOW I know...the steps showed me where I was at in my stinking thinking.....I have to work on me every day to keep my emotional sobriety adn even then I slip, but I can re-boot...start over....move forward 2 steps even tho many times I take one step back...I am still moving forward....
Now, when unwanted events strike, I can honor and process and FEEL my true feelings and then work my options towards a solution
No change is easy...but the goal of sanity, healthy living, stability, serenity, peace is worth it AND its attainable.........Life throws enough S*&* at me..I am not, ever again, via a sick relationship, purchase more S*&*...and that is what I would be doing if I were to hook up with another alcoholic.....
I am senior citizen now and still very nice looking so I attract guys 40 plus and so far I have passed on by.....I see they drink or smoke and I am NOT into either.....so i stay bymyself...I have male friends I hang out with who do not drink.....MUCH BETTER.......i may stay alone, don't know, but I can say this---staying alone beats the hell out of the chaos, drama, hellish life with an active alcoholic.......
please keep coming back....this awesome program works....really....what a difference between the old, sick me and the new, healthier me...I can take care of me, set boundaries an stand to them..all the "junk" relatinships are out of my life and in their place I have healthy relationships, the program helped me separate the wheat from the chaffe....lots of folks kicked me to the curb because they wanted the old, CoDa me, who took people's crap and didn't stand up for me, oh yea, either the crappy relationship dumped me because they could not use/abuse me OR I dumped them by just walking away and moving on......
Bo said
Jul 18, 2017
Vicki, I so feel for you and what you are going through. I read your post and can feel exactly what I felt when I went through much of the same. As the cliche says, there are two sides to every coin. We have heard in the rooms that we can start our day over again at any point in time. Well, with what we face, feel, experience, etc. -- I sometimes try to create the possibility that I can chose what side of the coin to look at. It might be perspective, it might be emotions, it might be any number of things, I don't know, but what I do know is that do the work -- I search for what works for me. I keep looking, searching, making calls, going to meetings, readings, I share, and so on.
What you are feeling, the mourning, the grieving, and so forth -- as of right now -- that is just for today. You have to go through it. Try and find ways so that it doesn't consume you -- more meetings, talking to your sponsor, starting a Blueprint for Progress, doing a 4th step, whatever. For me, what worked for me was immersing myself into acceptance of what I was feeling, surrendering to what I was feeling, and then letting go. It is normal for people to mourn the loss of a loved one, and this is a loss. I relate to the loss of a marriage. It is sad that you had to make this choice, but you had to make this choice. I admire and respect you, and making this choice is what was best for you and your daughter -- yes, like you said, that is what you thought of and that is what you did. I love what you said about rescuing being at the heart of co-dependence and that those feelings are not love. Good for you. Be strong. None of this is your fault. You made the healthy and just decision, for you and your daughter -- and from everything you have written, you know that.
As far as the possibility, the remote chance of the marriage working...remember...JUST FOR TODAY...ONE DAY AT A TIME...that is how we live our lives, that is how we find and go on our journey of recovery. Remember, recovery is not a destination...it is a journey. Just for today, you are where you are. That may change. Let it go. One day at a time.
Yes, I left an alcoholic spouse. After over 15 years of marriage and almost 20 being together. What did I do to handle all of the things you mentioned. I didn't live in the past. I chose which side of the coin to look at. I didn't dwell on the past, the sadness, the pain, etc. -- I focused on getting better. Right then and right there, at that moment. I decided which direction I was going to face and which direction I was going to start moving ahead. I felt what was there, but I made sure it didn't grow and grow, and therefore consume me, overtake me, and ruin me. I surrendered to it, but wouldn't let it engulf me as a person. Sure, I cried, a lot. That was my release, just one of them. I spiked up my meetings. I went to a meeting a day. I spoke to my sponsor, every day, several times a day. I did readings, morning and night, and during the day if I needed to jump-start the healthy, positive, constructive, recovery thinking again.
You decide what your focus will be on. You sound like you "get it" and just need to go through it. Well, you can't go over it, under it or around it -- you do have to go through it. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. The former, we go through. We have to. The latter, is up to us -- up to you -- and is our choice if we want it to be.
I am very proud of you, and I admire and respect you. Thank you for being here and being an inspiration.
mamalioness said
Jul 18, 2017
VickiR wrote:
I did just tell the truth, it's just hard. Honestly it's hard for me because I don't feel like it was that bad and that the consequences are so bad, not that I deserved it, but just that I can handle it. I know that is a huge issue for me, and I have to figure out why I have this weird problem being unaffected by clearly unacceptable behaviour.
well, who set up his consequences by drinking??? who wrote this sad movie??? HE DID...all you did was be part of this sad picture ..you are just one actor in his drama movie.........as to the "weird problem being unaffected by clearly unacceptable behaviour" I see you are affected----hence your coming here for help....nobody can live with an active alcoholic and not be affected...I thought the same thing to with #1 because I didn't really love him...In fact..truth be told, I did NOT love him, but I was on the rebound from a guy I really did love and I married this other guy to "get back at the one I fought and broke up with".....boy did I pay for that.....I didn't think HE affected me, but he did....I saw it later when i sat down and sorted it out, just how MUCH his abuse affected me....
oh it was easy for me to say "ahh that doesn't bother me" but the simmering rage I felt, the hurt,the grief, the sense of feeling like a victim...oh yea, it DID affect me....
mamalioness said
Jul 18, 2017
For me, what worked for me was immersing myself into acceptance of what I was feeling, surrendering to what I was feeling, and then letting go. It is normal for people to mourn the loss of a loved one, and this is a loss. I relate to the loss of a marriage. It is sad that you had to make this choice, but you had to make this choice.
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oh yea when I came to ACCEPTANCE , the feelings flowed : tears, rage, loss, ohhh yea, and ANGER at me for allowing this in my life.....i had to surrender to what I was feeling too, in order to let it pass through me and so I coudl let it go.......
Like Bo: I soo respect and admire you for choosing this very hard choice, but a sane one....poor daughter...I hope she can get into alateen meets to sort it out that she was never ever "less then" hence "dad's not being there for her" the abandonment these kids feel ( I know--my raging drunk mother abandoned me all the time to drink) I felt like I was a less then kid, otherwise, mom would be there for me...love me....choose me and my siblings above all others......oh yea!!! like an alcoholic is capable of that.....their 80 proof is their god.....she died from the drink.....when I went to the funeral, I felt absolutely nothing....I looked at her in her casket...and i felt nothing....she had "gutted" me as far as any love/feelings for her.....don't know why this memory is coming up, but it did and I shall share...from a child's standpoint, at least your daughter has you...I had the drunkfor a mother and a serial child offender for a father....I had to run away to find love in with another family......
I am glad you kid has you..that will help her...and maybe you can find an alanon meet where there is alateen meets for the kiddo....she needs help too...don't know what minimum or maximum age is for alateen...don't know how old your daughter is, but even very young...this stinking drinking affects them....
VickiR said
Jul 18, 2017
Thanks mamalioness and Bo for the amazing responses, my daughter is super young, 2.5 and that was why I made the choice so swiftly because I couldn't stand the thought of her being damaged by the disfunction (She is so happy and outgoing and the idea of seeing that change was heartbreaking). I have had a secret fear brewing for a while that I wouldn't be strong enough to make this decision if I had to, and I would feel like a terrible mother for it. I'm glad I found the strength to make the right choice, I just need to my heart to catch up. It's so helpful reading the positive responses that reinforce I made the right move. I know I have to mourn and grieve, but it's so great to hear from people on the other side, it fills me with hope for the future. I am pretty good at grieving things and moving on, so I know it will come, I am trusting myself more and more in this process which is a wonderful feeling. Thank you again for your responses it means a lot.
SerenityRUS said
Jul 18, 2017
Hugs Vicki,
Right this second is NOT the time to make an life decisions or at least while you are feeling so out of control. I need to be centered regarding these types of choices.
It was hard when I was angry, hurt, lonely and taking care of the kids. I was not in a place to make a big decision.
Doing things to take care of yourself. I did both alanon and private therapy (my sponsor encouraged me to seek additional treatment), ironically my XAH's company paid for my private therapy. I'm very grateful I did because I would have been more of a hot mess than I was.
Keeping my program close, .. with a sponsor, going to meetings and making sure I was taking care of me has helped me make better choices going forward.
I had to let my XAH be where he was and stay out of it and during our initial split I did not do that it was a mess. I learned and I continue to. Keep coming back!
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Jul 18, 2017
(((Vicki))) - I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I'm with Serenity above me - be gentle with you, lean into your program and the answers will come. Know that you are not alone!
Junenine said
Jul 18, 2017
((VickiR)) Just want to say I appreciate all you've shared, admire your strength and clarity, and I can relate. No children here, but much of what you describe matches how I feel after having recently left my relationship.
"I'm glad I found the strength to make the right choice, I just need to my heart to catch up." "His problems are too much for us to handle." So much yes - I feel the same way. And I also question why I'm regularly so unaffected by unacceptable behavior. I've said it's because I know his issues are his and are not about me, which is true... but at the same time, I've lived with an imbalance that should not be something that continues indefinitely in a relationship. I'm used to depression. I have a high tolerance for mental illness. Suffice it to say... I'm looking at myself, and realizing how much energy it took for me to remain in relationship with him.
It's been about 6 weeks and I'm still processing, recovering, definitely mourning the good elements and for the hope and plans I had for my future. But like you, I feel clear that I made the right and necessary decision, so I'm trying to let myself have my feelings - good, bad and ugly. It totally sucks. And at the same time, it's a relief. I guess I see it as a heartbreaking necessity.
You are choosing safety, security and healthiness for you and your daughter. More power to you. Be kind to yourself. You are not alone.
mamalioness said
Jul 18, 2017
Vicki I wish I had had a mom like you...Maybe I would not be so messed up...SHE stayed...Her drinking, fur coats and trips to EU were more important than us kids...(he was a child offender---any kid will do , even family between age 13 to 16 -17.) but yea, i wish SOME mom had drug me outta that darkness
Aline said
Jul 18, 2017
Hugs, ((((Vicki)))). I'm sorry for the tough times you are going through. I'm living separately from my x-abf of 12 years for around 1,5 months now. We only recently separated, as in not being a couple anymore, (after I had already moved out, that is). I must admit, I guess I sort of wiggled out of this relationship rather than leaving all at once... First I simply left the apartment one night when my health and well-being was completely disregarded after my insistence his behavior was unacceptable to me (I had said that many times before, with no consequences, but this time I meant it, I had reached the awareness and acceptance that I could control ME and my behavior). I simply walked away, and I knew I didn't want to come back. Not to the same old craziness. I didn't come back (the first few weeks were the hardest, I was half-sure I would crawl back to him despite everything... The meetings helped so much!). First I just "moved out". Now me and my ex came to a mutual agreement (half-hearted on his part) to separate. I did tell him I would think about getting back together if/when he got sober. So it was kind of gradual for me, the separation. I fully realize we may never get back together, because I now understand that, even if he manages to stop drinking, there are a couple of other big issues that I simply don't want to live with anymore, and I believe they could be resolved, in time, if he would work a recovery program. Will that happen? Who knows, not me. It is sad, and I love him, and yes, there were good times... But I can say that for me there's a big difference between how I felt a month ago and now. I had that terrible yearning for him soon after moving out, but it has passed now, I now realize part of it was my addiction to HIM, not love. It gets better, the more I focus on me and focus on living just for today. I really try to focus on my day, what are the best moves I can do today, up until going to sleep in the evening - not worry about tomorrow, because I have seen several times how false my worries and fears can turn out. I mess up A LOT with this, but the very process of doing this, of simply trying, helps a lot for me to be happier each day. Warm thoughts to you and your daughter, Vicki
a4l said
Jul 18, 2017
Its a process. Separation isn't neccesarily divorce with all its overtones of endings and finalities. I found thinking only as far ahead as the next right thing saved me a lot of stress and stole far less sleep.
Be gentle with yourself, your process, your heart.
tiredtonite said
Jul 19, 2017
Hi Vicki,
I'm sorry for the hard decisions that are in front of you but putting your safety first is most important. Your higher power will guide you to what's next for your marriage.
"For anyone that has left an alcoholic spouse, how did you deal with the anxiety and stay strong in the face of the positive memories that you did share?"
Attending lots and lots of in person Alanon meetings really helped for finding answers that worked best for me. Asking for help was so important. I don't know where I would have been without a loving sponsor who guided me through the first two steps of the program. The serenity prayer helped me a lot too in moments of denial. Knowing I could make decisions one day at a time was helpful. I could make decisions based on thoughtful consideration. Educating myself about and coming to understand alcoholism as an illness was beneficial.
I am not a survivor of domestic violence but I do know that alcoholism and domestic violence don't necessary go hand in hand. Domestic violence is a separate issue. Without professional help, it can continue even in sobriety.
As far as positive memories.. I'm grateful for them. They are mine to keep and cherish. They were once a catalyst for propelling me to make poor decisions based on denial of facts and reality. Today, I can freely reminisce and feel gratitude for positive memories and continue to build new positive memories in a healthier relationship with myself and others. The only way out is through is something we say in the Alanon program. We also say, feel, deal, heal. I think there is always grieving when we transition and choose to let go but also hope. In the midst of crisis, my thinking was black and white. Of course I would make this decision, it was the logical thing to do. Of course I would slam the door shut and assert my self worth. But when the dust settled and loneliness visited and positive memories.. rationalization went out the window. You are ready when you are ready and not a minute before. It's a big decision to divorce and miraculously sometimes, sometimes spouses actually seek the needed help, get well and keep well. We always have time on our side as we choose safety and separation to thoughtfully consider what will work for us as Alanons. We can choose to continue recovering no matter what - to enjoy the priceless gift of serenity.
I wish you the best on your recovery journey and with making decisions that honor your life and well-being. ((hugs)) TT
As some of you remember, I have been separated from my AH for a week and a half, after I called the police after a domestic incident. It has been so painful to be ripped apart like this, even though I know it's for the best, we were together for 10 years, many of them great, and suddenly he has been ejected from our life and family. So much of his stuff is still here, shadows of our life together. I still love him so much, but he has changed to such a dark version of himself over the past two years as his alcoholism has progressed and it's just a tragic way for our life together to end. I have to think of myself and my daughter and move on with life. When I saw him off in the distance tonight, I wanted to be there for him so intensely (I know I can't, and honesty I don't TRULY want to get dragged through another crisis with him). I feel so much guilt for making a statement at the police department about the domestic violence and possibly making things harder for him. I know it's not my fault, I know these consequences will hopefully be a wake up call for him and that he caused them himself, I know all of these things, but it still hurts my heart so much. I'm aware that rescuing is at the heart of codependence and a huge part of my problem, and I'm trying to remember those feelings aren't love.
I can't be with him any more, things are too broken and his problems are too big for us to handle. After leaving the handoff, I could see him grab his friend's arm out of relief, like maybe there was a chance for our marriage, it breaks my heart to think he could still think we have a chance at being together and instead he will be sent separation papers. I'm also trying to remember that he is doing everything he can subconsciously or consciously to pull me back in. I know this is all part of codependence, taking on his feelings, fearing for his consequences, and feeling responsible. I'm just overwhelmed by anxiety and the part of me that still feels like he is my husband and I should be there for him.
For anyone that has left an alcoholic spouse, how did you deal with the anxiety and stay strong in the face of the positive memories that you did share? I know the person I'm mourning the loss of was already leaving me even when we were together, and I hope more than anything for the sake of my daughter that that man comes back at least for her. I'm in the process of dealing with legal separation, which means selling the matrimonial home or buying him out and staying there myself. I can't decide if it's too depressing to stay here or not. I also feel like maybe he will get sober and there could be hope for us down the road, but I think regardless of that we need to split things apart now so that we can move on with our lives without holding each other back. He needs money to restart his life and we can't work on our marriage the way things are now. He needs to focus on himself and being a dad, and I need to do the same for myself and my daughter. Whatever the future holds has nothing to do with right now. Not really sure what my questions or points are, it just helps to share with everything that is happening.
I feel so much guilt for making a statement at the police department about the domestic violence and possibly making things harder for him
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I am assuming you told the truth, right??? What is wrong with telling the truth??? Nothing..and like you said, maybe the consequences will smack him in the head and he will belly up to the program...I had to tell the truth about my X, too...cops took him into jail....I told the Truth...I did not lie or try and cover up for him and AGAIN, make him feel that what he did to me was alright...because it was NOT alright, the stuff he did...I NEVER feel bad when I speak the truth, as it is, the truth is the one thing that set me free from all the insanity
I did just tell the truth, it's just hard. Honestly it's hard for me because I don't feel like it was that bad and that the consequences are so bad, not that I deserved it, but just that I can handle it. I know that is a huge issue for me, and I have to figure out why I have this weird problem being unaffected by clearly unacceptable behaviour.
For anyone that has left an alcoholic spouse, how did you deal with the anxiety and stay strong in the face of the positive memories that you did share? I know the person I'm mourning the loss of was already leaving me even when we were together, and I hope more than anything for the sake of my daughter that that man comes back at least for her.
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I cried for the life I wanted with him and knew I would never get....I had stages of anger where I would get on the tennis court and slam balls into the fence, because I was so angry...at him for screwing up our lives...at me for not putting my foot down sooner....even at LIFE...i went through the stagesof grief: anger, sadness, mourning in cycles, till I worked it out....I didn't know about alanon back then..wish I did, my recovery from this would have been faster...easier perhaps and definitely more focused on MY care....
I hope he can be a dad to your daughter too, but unless he gets help, hes married to the booze...booze comes first...above all else...UNLESS they stop...get into AA...work at least 5 years to change their patterns from drunk life to sober/clean/healthy life....oh yea....
it was very hard at first, but luckily I had great friends who supported me (still wish I had had alanon) but anyway, it was tough but I knew I had done the right thing...I wanted no more of drunks, insane living, worrying if he isn't home at night, worrying is he gonna burn down the house, cooking while drunk, listening to him puke at 3am , listening to him yell at my poor dogs, picking up the messes he made while I tried to sleep...
BUT we did have some good times together...our trips, the laughter, the spontaneity of getting up in the am, and just "deciding" last minute to go somewhere....he was a good man..really he was, but he was slowly killing himself with the alcohol (AH #1 was a turd and I had nothing good to remember him with,so i worked on letting go the anger, unforgiveness for ME at being so stupid as to marry abusive person) but AH #2 was the nice, kind one.....yea, it was hard to cut him loose, but I had to to save ME...to get into recovery which I did, finally, and to find me...
I can an do remember the good with AH#2..I married into alcohol because that is the only way of life that I knew.....the buck stops with me, now, because I am in alanon where I learned about my own sickness and unhealthy patterns that kept me gravitating to unhealthy relationships like these two.....WHY did I marry it??? TWICE??? So i had to work the steps and find out about ME and why I didn't think I deserved any better than disappointment, chaos, drama, financial hardship, etc...NOW I know...the steps showed me where I was at in my stinking thinking.....I have to work on me every day to keep my emotional sobriety adn even then I slip, but I can re-boot...start over....move forward 2 steps even tho many times I take one step back...I am still moving forward....
Now, when unwanted events strike, I can honor and process and FEEL my true feelings and then work my options towards a solution
No change is easy...but the goal of sanity, healthy living, stability, serenity, peace is worth it AND its attainable.........Life throws enough S*&* at me..I am not, ever again, via a sick relationship, purchase more S*&*...and that is what I would be doing if I were to hook up with another alcoholic.....
I am senior citizen now and still very nice looking so I attract guys 40 plus and so far I have passed on by.....I see they drink or smoke and I am NOT into either.....so i stay bymyself...I have male friends I hang out with who do not drink.....MUCH BETTER.......i may stay alone, don't know, but I can say this---staying alone beats the hell out of the chaos, drama, hellish life with an active alcoholic.......
please keep coming back....this awesome program works....really....what a difference between the old, sick me and the new, healthier me...I can take care of me, set boundaries an stand to them..all the "junk" relatinships are out of my life and in their place I have healthy relationships, the program helped me separate the wheat from the chaffe....lots of folks kicked me to the curb because they wanted the old, CoDa me, who took people's crap and didn't stand up for me, oh yea, either the crappy relationship dumped me because they could not use/abuse me OR I dumped them by just walking away and moving on......
What you are feeling, the mourning, the grieving, and so forth -- as of right now -- that is just for today. You have to go through it. Try and find ways so that it doesn't consume you -- more meetings, talking to your sponsor, starting a Blueprint for Progress, doing a 4th step, whatever. For me, what worked for me was immersing myself into acceptance of what I was feeling, surrendering to what I was feeling, and then letting go. It is normal for people to mourn the loss of a loved one, and this is a loss. I relate to the loss of a marriage. It is sad that you had to make this choice, but you had to make this choice. I admire and respect you, and making this choice is what was best for you and your daughter -- yes, like you said, that is what you thought of and that is what you did. I love what you said about rescuing being at the heart of co-dependence and that those feelings are not love. Good for you. Be strong. None of this is your fault. You made the healthy and just decision, for you and your daughter -- and from everything you have written, you know that.
As far as the possibility, the remote chance of the marriage working...remember...JUST FOR TODAY...ONE DAY AT A TIME...that is how we live our lives, that is how we find and go on our journey of recovery. Remember, recovery is not a destination...it is a journey. Just for today, you are where you are. That may change. Let it go. One day at a time.
Yes, I left an alcoholic spouse. After over 15 years of marriage and almost 20 being together. What did I do to handle all of the things you mentioned. I didn't live in the past. I chose which side of the coin to look at. I didn't dwell on the past, the sadness, the pain, etc. -- I focused on getting better. Right then and right there, at that moment. I decided which direction I was going to face and which direction I was going to start moving ahead. I felt what was there, but I made sure it didn't grow and grow, and therefore consume me, overtake me, and ruin me. I surrendered to it, but wouldn't let it engulf me as a person. Sure, I cried, a lot. That was my release, just one of them. I spiked up my meetings. I went to a meeting a day. I spoke to my sponsor, every day, several times a day. I did readings, morning and night, and during the day if I needed to jump-start the healthy, positive, constructive, recovery thinking again.
You decide what your focus will be on. You sound like you "get it" and just need to go through it. Well, you can't go over it, under it or around it -- you do have to go through it. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. The former, we go through. We have to. The latter, is up to us -- up to you -- and is our choice if we want it to be.
I am very proud of you, and I admire and respect you. Thank you for being here and being an inspiration.
well, who set up his consequences by drinking??? who wrote this sad movie??? HE DID...all you did was be part of this sad picture ..you are just one actor in his drama movie.........as to the "weird problem being unaffected by clearly unacceptable behaviour" I see you are affected----hence your coming here for help....nobody can live with an active alcoholic and not be affected...I thought the same thing to with #1 because I didn't really love him...In fact..truth be told, I did NOT love him, but I was on the rebound from a guy I really did love and I married this other guy to "get back at the one I fought and broke up with".....boy did I pay for that.....I didn't think HE affected me, but he did....I saw it later when i sat down and sorted it out, just how MUCH his abuse affected me....
oh it was easy for me to say "ahh that doesn't bother me" but the simmering rage I felt, the hurt,the grief, the sense of feeling like a victim...oh yea, it DID affect me....
For me, what worked for me was immersing myself into acceptance of what I was feeling, surrendering to what I was feeling, and then letting go. It is normal for people to mourn the loss of a loved one, and this is a loss. I relate to the loss of a marriage. It is sad that you had to make this choice, but you had to make this choice.
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oh yea when I came to ACCEPTANCE , the feelings flowed : tears, rage, loss, ohhh yea, and ANGER at me for allowing this in my life.....i had to surrender to what I was feeling too, in order to let it pass through me and so I coudl let it go.......
Like Bo: I soo respect and admire you for choosing this very hard choice, but a sane one....poor daughter...I hope she can get into alateen meets to sort it out that she was never ever "less then" hence "dad's not being there for her" the abandonment these kids feel ( I know--my raging drunk mother abandoned me all the time to drink) I felt like I was a less then kid, otherwise, mom would be there for me...love me....choose me and my siblings above all others......oh yea!!! like an alcoholic is capable of that.....their 80 proof is their god.....she died from the drink.....when I went to the funeral, I felt absolutely nothing....I looked at her in her casket...and i felt nothing....she had "gutted" me as far as any love/feelings for her.....don't know why this memory is coming up, but it did and I shall share...from a child's standpoint, at least your daughter has you...I had the drunkfor a mother and a serial child offender for a father....I had to run away to find love in with another family......
I am glad you kid has you..that will help her...and maybe you can find an alanon meet where there is alateen meets for the kiddo....she needs help too...don't know what minimum or maximum age is for alateen...don't know how old your daughter is, but even very young...this stinking drinking affects them....
Right this second is NOT the time to make an life decisions or at least while you are feeling so out of control. I need to be centered regarding these types of choices.
It was hard when I was angry, hurt, lonely and taking care of the kids. I was not in a place to make a big decision.
Doing things to take care of yourself. I did both alanon and private therapy (my sponsor encouraged me to seek additional treatment), ironically my XAH's company paid for my private therapy. I'm very grateful I did because I would have been more of a hot mess than I was.
Keeping my program close, .. with a sponsor, going to meetings and making sure I was taking care of me has helped me make better choices going forward.
I had to let my XAH be where he was and stay out of it and during our initial split I did not do that it was a mess. I learned and I continue to. Keep coming back!
Hugs S :)
((VickiR)) Just want to say I appreciate all you've shared, admire your strength and clarity, and I can relate. No children here, but much of what you describe matches how I feel after having recently left my relationship.
"I'm glad I found the strength to make the right choice, I just need to my heart to catch up." "His problems are too much for us to handle." So much yes - I feel the same way. And I also question why I'm regularly so unaffected by unacceptable behavior. I've said it's because I know his issues are his and are not about me, which is true... but at the same time, I've lived with an imbalance that should not be something that continues indefinitely in a relationship. I'm used to depression. I have a high tolerance for mental illness. Suffice it to say... I'm looking at myself, and realizing how much energy it took for me to remain in relationship with him.
It's been about 6 weeks and I'm still processing, recovering, definitely mourning the good elements and for the hope and plans I had for my future. But like you, I feel clear that I made the right and necessary decision, so I'm trying to let myself have my feelings - good, bad and ugly. It totally sucks. And at the same time, it's a relief. I guess I see it as a heartbreaking necessity.
You are choosing safety, security and healthiness for you and your daughter. More power to you. Be kind to yourself. You are not alone.
Vicki I wish I had had a mom like you...Maybe I would not be so messed up...SHE stayed...Her drinking, fur coats and trips to EU were more important than us kids...(he was a child offender---any kid will do , even family between age 13 to 16 -17.) but yea, i wish SOME mom had drug me outta that darkness
Hi Vicki,
I'm sorry for the hard decisions that are in front of you but putting your safety first is most important. Your higher power will guide you to what's next for your marriage.
"For anyone that has left an alcoholic spouse, how did you deal with the anxiety and stay strong in the face of the positive memories that you did share?"
Attending lots and lots of in person Alanon meetings really helped for finding answers that worked best for me. Asking for help was so important. I don't know where I would have been without a loving sponsor who guided me through the first two steps of the program. The serenity prayer helped me a lot too in moments of denial. Knowing I could make decisions one day at a time was helpful. I could make decisions based on thoughtful consideration. Educating myself about and coming to understand alcoholism as an illness was beneficial.
I am not a survivor of domestic violence but I do know that alcoholism and domestic violence don't necessary go hand in hand. Domestic violence is a separate issue. Without professional help, it can continue even in sobriety.
As far as positive memories.. I'm grateful for them. They are mine to keep and cherish. They were once a catalyst for propelling me to make poor decisions based on denial of facts and reality. Today, I can freely reminisce and feel gratitude for positive memories and continue to build new positive memories in a healthier relationship with myself and others. The only way out is through is something we say in the Alanon program. We also say, feel, deal, heal. I think there is always grieving when we transition and choose to let go but also hope. In the midst of crisis, my thinking was black and white. Of course I would make this decision, it was the logical thing to do. Of course I would slam the door shut and assert my self worth. But when the dust settled and loneliness visited and positive memories.. rationalization went out the window. You are ready when you are ready and not a minute before. It's a big decision to divorce and miraculously sometimes, sometimes spouses actually seek the needed help, get well and keep well. We always have time on our side as we choose safety and separation to thoughtfully consider what will work for us as Alanons. We can choose to continue recovering no matter what - to enjoy the priceless gift of serenity.
I wish you the best on your recovery journey and with making decisions that honor your life and well-being. ((hugs)) TT