My alcoholic boyfriend told me via Facebook last night that he's been cheating on me. His message was short & to the point and he refused to respond to any of my questions after that.
I didn't sleep all night and haven't heard from him today. I am in so much pain.
He's done a lot of shitty things to me but nothing on this level. I am so hurt by his blatant disregard for me.
It's so hard not to feel like I just wasn't enough somehow.
mamalioness said
Jul 17, 2017
(((((((((((((((Sarah))))))))))))))))) you WERE and you ARE enough.....I repeat you WERE and you ARE enough.....and my wish is that you believe that
HE is the one who did the crappy thing here....oh he may say "the devil (booze) made me do it" but in reality...a cheater is a cheater, and alcohol only removes the inhibitions....My AH #2 (I don't think AH#1 did either) but anyway, I was never cheated on because that wasn't in their makeup...getting drunk?? oh yea...being a jerk in public?? oh yea...trouble with the law??? Oh yea
I guess the GOOD thing out of this is you found out before any marriage and children arrived.....so sad...and I am so so sorry.....my cousins oldest daughter is going through what you are only she married him and had two kids...come to find out not only is he a drinker, but a serial adulterer.....sexually transmitted diseases from this behavior is no joke...she filed for divorce and oh yea, it hurts to be betrayed like that...
I dont know what to say to you except post here...try to get into alanon meets ASAP, get a sponsor to help you with the 12 steps so you can fix your thinking so you never pick someone who would treat you like this....
I am so sorry!!! please keep coming back
shrnp said
Jul 17, 2017
Hi Saralin,
I am really sorry this happened to you. When I caught my ex-abf cheating on me it was so surreal I could not believe it was happening to me. I realized that it was just another addiction like alcoholism. That did not make it hurt less, but I knew that as long as he was drinking, he was not going to have a decent moral character. His cheating was not a reflection of who I was. That was when I knew that I had to break up with him because I did not want to be involved in any more of the insanity that alcoholism brings. Not all alcoholics have that flaw of infidelity but he was one of them that did. Be gentle with yourself and know that you have a loving higher power that is strong enough for you to lean on when things get really rough. You are not alone and you can find a meeting and see that there is an end to the craziness that comes from living and loving an alcoholic. I hope you feel better.
Jerry F said
Jul 17, 2017
(((SaraLin))) Love and empathy comes with the (((hugs))). All of your feelings are justified. This is the insanity of alcoholism and you are another victim as all of us have been. I won't share my experiences to the degree that they happened and I have been there and done that myself. The alcoholic and alcoholic/addict women I was in relationships with really never cheated on me because the disease gave them the short end of the stick long term. Those that found sobriety came to heal and recover and some have never. For me...once I found out what I was doing...the MY PART IN IT...I stopped getting into relationships with any alcoholic and/or addict. Yes the journey early on was bitter and saddening and now that's over. I had to get over the addiction I had for those sorts of females and make the changes.
Glad you found MIP...stick around and listen and learn with an open mind. The magic here is awesome. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Jul 17, 2017
(((SaraLin))) - I too am sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive energy and prayers. I'm with Jerry on this - what you are feeling is (unfortunately) part of the process of living with the disease. You are not alone - and even if it doesn't feel like it, it really is not about you. It's about him, the disease and much more probably, but it really is not about you.
I hope you'll be gentle with you and just take good care of yourself. I know for me before recovery I struggled with personalizing ALL things going on around me. In recovery, I learned that it's not about me - it's about them. That doesn't always change the hurt and sadness....but it does help me to process it as it is vs. how I want to think it is/was.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery and you are worth it!
SerenityRUS said
Jul 18, 2017
Hugs Sarah,
I am so sorry this has transpired .. sometimes people are just cruel because that happens to be who they are .. my best addition to this let it go. You have received wonderful ESH and this is just not about you .. what you lacked .. what you did or didn't do .. this is strictly about who he is today.
When my XAH and I split I was torn in two it was horribly painful and I took it so personally.
As I have healed I realize he's just not ok. He still isn't because he would not have said the things he said to me if he had been ok. It's been more about me healing and learning that I have my stuff to deal with and whatever he does or doesn't do that's on him.
To give you an idea of lack of closure that the kids and I have gone through .. he hasn't spoken or had contact with his kids for the past 7 months I think it's been now. He can contact them .. he just doesn't.
I hope that you are able to get the support you deserve .. without alanon I wouldn't have made it through that time in one piece. I am grateful for the healing that the program has offered to me and it is also available to you as well.
Hugs S :)
deacon said
Jul 18, 2017
" I wasn't enough somehow"
Don't think that way. HE wasn't enough for you. He was not facing his disease and realizing that he was better than that!
What in our makeup makes us think that we are the ones who have to take the blame for their weaknesses?
YOU are ENOUGH! HE IS NOT!
WestMan said
Jul 18, 2017
Hello Saralin and welcome. So sorry you are experiencing this pain right now. Keep in mind that you will heal from this and someday be happy again. I can't recommend strongly enough that you find a meeting and connect with some of the people there.
Your ABF's actions have nothing to do with whether you are enough.
Mattie said
Jul 18, 2017
I'm so sorry this is happening.
Here's the thing. Sometimes people are not a good match for each other. They get into a relationship and it seems promising, and then one person realizes that as they get deeper into the relationship, they're not really as well suited as they had hoped.
What does the person do, the one who realizes that? He (or she) says, "I'm so sorry, this just isn't working for me, I'm going to move on." Or sometimes there are a lot of disagreements and the person says it angrily: "This is driving me crazy! I just can't take it any more. I've really had it, I'm leaving." That's not the best way but let's face it, it happens when people are very disappointed in each other.
What does the person not do? He doesn't cheat. If the other person is "not enough for him" (read: not a good match), he breaks up! He doesn't go wandering looking for someone else, and tell the person after. Or hide it and get found out, or whatever. That isn't the reaction of someone who's dissatisfied and is dealing healthily with his life. That's the reaction of someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too, or who can't handle intimacy, or who gets a thrill from "breaking the rules."
So it's not that you're "not enough," if that were even a thing, instead of just not being suited. It's that he's immature and not who you hoped he was.
I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
Bo said
Jul 19, 2017
This is a topic that strikes right at the core with me, and I am sure it does with others as well. We could debate/discuss analogies, describe the feelings going on, and so on; and while I am sure that can be helpful, I now view this with and from a different perspective.
While it is the "other person" who cheated -- I still look at me. Sure, I can look at my role, my contribution, if any, but I am not looking at me with an orientation of finger pointing and/or blame, or anything of the like. That to me is not healthy. I've heard the statements when someone says, I drove him/her away, or I could have been more understanding, I could have been there more, I withdrew, I was distanced, and I've heard people say, this was my fault. OK, so, let me be clear, if that is your position and that is how you feel, so be it. To each their own. I will not argue with you about that. That's not my place. How I look at me is in the context -- not with the focus -- of what the other person did and who they are being. To me, when someone cheats, it speaks to that person, the one who cheated. When my wife cheated -- that spoke to her. It didn't say anything about me. Whether she agrees with that or not -- that's my perspective and my mindset. Her cheating doesn't say anything about me.
Is it easy to feel that way, no, it is not. But like with other scenarios and situations -- it takes work. It can be painful. Drinking, under the influence, etc., that aside -- if someone by some definition were not enough, the answer or solution is not to cheat. Cheating is wrong. Period. Not enough is what, unfulfilling, not good enough -- even that were the case, the answer is not cheating in my opinion. Regardless, the not enough -- that doesn't fly with me. I don't think those dots connect. If you feel that way, OK, I am not saying anyone is wrong, but I feel in doing the work, part of it is to look deeper. The immediate deeper -- it is the other person, not you.
My wife was sick. She had a disease. Does that justify cheating? Not to me. But, after I got past the anger and resentment, I was able to have compassion -- for her and her sickness, not for what she did. I was not going to "take on" any ownership for her disease. I can look at my role in certain things -- but not when it comes to cheating. It doesn't matter why. Each person chooses their own path, thinking, decisions, and so forth.
What I made sure of is that for my own health and well-being, I made sure that the "look at me" element was not being an audience for blame, a sales pitch on why, that is was OK, having her or anyone justify or rationalize this to me, or anything of the like. It was cheating. Period. I was not sacrificing or changing my morals, values, ethics, and integrity because of someone else's behavior or reasoning.
Hang in there. Look to the people who support you -- meetings, sponsor, whatever it might be. Don't beat yourself up. Go gentle on yourself. This is not a "your fault" thing. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 19th of July 2017 08:46:11 AM
SerenityRUS said
Jul 19, 2017
Bo,
You bring up an interesting point and thank you .. it took me a long time to get where you are coming from and in the throws of newly discovered betrayal and the blinders coming off because all of a sudden the light of the truth was blinding .. sometimes it can be overwhelming.
It was a whole process and it was frustrating in the beginning when people would tell me just let it go, move on, forget about him .. it was like I needed that invisible accountability button/switch to throw so he got his butt zapped by lightening, and unfortunately I needed to see it happened because I needed the validation that I really wasn't getting that it wasn't about me. I actually had a family member tell me it was my fault he cheated, .. needless to say I have less contact with that particular family member.
The accountability switch flipped for me because all of a sudden it hit me that while I do not see myself at 50% at fault, I do have a part. I will always stand by the fact that my XAH is responsible for his choices and consequences regardless if he was sober or drunk. Yes, .. he has a disease however his stuff regardless if he wants it or not stays at his feet. His stuff is for him to figure out and it doesn't matter when it comes to me.
I had moments that I owned more than 50% of the breakdown of specific days and many moments I did have a part however trying to communicate with a fence post is pointless .. there is no feedback and if there is .. it's crazy feedback. So I stopped and that's where I knew my marriage was over and I knew it was over before the betrayal happened, there was just to much water under the bridge and I was drowning.
Now that there is more time and the water has receded I am better able to clearly see my relationship as it was without minimizing or maximizing the issues that were already in place. I think someone already mentioned even without the drinking .. there were other issues that were not being addressed that under a non drinking environment would have caused a breakdown .. neither of us knew how to have a grown up relationship with other people.
Thanks for bringing that up though .. time and distance will change my perception of what I thought while going through the hallways vs now as I choose a door of healing and well-being.
(((((((((((((((Sarah))))))))))))))))) you WERE and you ARE enough.....I repeat you WERE and you ARE enough.....and my wish is that you believe that
HE is the one who did the crappy thing here....oh he may say "the devil (booze) made me do it" but in reality...a cheater is a cheater, and alcohol only removes the inhibitions....My AH #2 (I don't think AH#1 did either) but anyway, I was never cheated on because that wasn't in their makeup...getting drunk?? oh yea...being a jerk in public?? oh yea...trouble with the law??? Oh yea
I guess the GOOD thing out of this is you found out before any marriage and children arrived.....so sad...and I am so so sorry.....my cousins oldest daughter is going through what you are only she married him and had two kids...come to find out not only is he a drinker, but a serial adulterer.....sexually transmitted diseases from this behavior is no joke...she filed for divorce and oh yea, it hurts to be betrayed like that...
I dont know what to say to you except post here...try to get into alanon meets ASAP, get a sponsor to help you with the 12 steps so you can fix your thinking so you never pick someone who would treat you like this....
I am so sorry!!! please keep coming back
I am really sorry this happened to you. When I caught my ex-abf cheating on me it was so surreal I could not believe it was happening to me. I realized that it was just another addiction like alcoholism. That did not make it hurt less, but I knew that as long as he was drinking, he was not going to have a decent moral character. His cheating was not a reflection of who I was. That was when I knew that I had to break up with him because I did not want to be involved in any more of the insanity that alcoholism brings. Not all alcoholics have that flaw of infidelity but he was one of them that did. Be gentle with yourself and know that you have a loving higher power that is strong enough for you to lean on when things get really rough. You are not alone and you can find a meeting and see that there is an end to the craziness that comes from living and loving an alcoholic. I hope you feel better.
(((SaraLin))) Love and empathy comes with the (((hugs))). All of your feelings are justified. This is the insanity of alcoholism and you are another victim as all of us have been. I won't share my experiences to the degree that they happened and I have been there and done that myself. The alcoholic and alcoholic/addict women I was in relationships with really never cheated on me because the disease gave them the short end of the stick long term. Those that found sobriety came to heal and recover and some have never. For me...once I found out what I was doing...the MY PART IN IT...I stopped getting into relationships with any alcoholic and/or addict. Yes the journey early on was bitter and saddening and now that's over. I had to get over the addiction I had for those sorts of females and make the changes.
Glad you found MIP...stick around and listen and learn with an open mind. The magic here is awesome. ((((hugs))))
I hope you'll be gentle with you and just take good care of yourself. I know for me before recovery I struggled with personalizing ALL things going on around me. In recovery, I learned that it's not about me - it's about them. That doesn't always change the hurt and sadness....but it does help me to process it as it is vs. how I want to think it is/was.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery and you are worth it!
I am so sorry this has transpired .. sometimes people are just cruel because that happens to be who they are .. my best addition to this let it go. You have received wonderful ESH and this is just not about you .. what you lacked .. what you did or didn't do .. this is strictly about who he is today.
When my XAH and I split I was torn in two it was horribly painful and I took it so personally.
As I have healed I realize he's just not ok. He still isn't because he would not have said the things he said to me if he had been ok. It's been more about me healing and learning that I have my stuff to deal with and whatever he does or doesn't do that's on him.
To give you an idea of lack of closure that the kids and I have gone through .. he hasn't spoken or had contact with his kids for the past 7 months I think it's been now. He can contact them .. he just doesn't.
I hope that you are able to get the support you deserve .. without alanon I wouldn't have made it through that time in one piece. I am grateful for the healing that the program has offered to me and it is also available to you as well.
Hugs S :)
" I wasn't enough somehow"
Don't think that way. HE wasn't enough for you. He was not facing his disease and realizing that he was better than that!
What in our makeup makes us think that we are the ones who have to take the blame for their weaknesses?
YOU are ENOUGH! HE IS NOT!
Hello Saralin and welcome. So sorry you are experiencing this pain right now. Keep in mind that you will heal from this and someday be happy again. I can't recommend strongly enough that you find a meeting and connect with some of the people there.
Your ABF's actions have nothing to do with whether you are enough.
I'm so sorry this is happening.
Here's the thing. Sometimes people are not a good match for each other. They get into a relationship and it seems promising, and then one person realizes that as they get deeper into the relationship, they're not really as well suited as they had hoped.
What does the person do, the one who realizes that? He (or she) says, "I'm so sorry, this just isn't working for me, I'm going to move on." Or sometimes there are a lot of disagreements and the person says it angrily: "This is driving me crazy! I just can't take it any more. I've really had it, I'm leaving." That's not the best way but let's face it, it happens when people are very disappointed in each other.
What does the person not do? He doesn't cheat. If the other person is "not enough for him" (read: not a good match), he breaks up! He doesn't go wandering looking for someone else, and tell the person after. Or hide it and get found out, or whatever. That isn't the reaction of someone who's dissatisfied and is dealing healthily with his life. That's the reaction of someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too, or who can't handle intimacy, or who gets a thrill from "breaking the rules."
So it's not that you're "not enough," if that were even a thing, instead of just not being suited. It's that he's immature and not who you hoped he was.
I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
This is a topic that strikes right at the core with me, and I am sure it does with others as well. We could debate/discuss analogies, describe the feelings going on, and so on; and while I am sure that can be helpful, I now view this with and from a different perspective.
While it is the "other person" who cheated -- I still look at me. Sure, I can look at my role, my contribution, if any, but I am not looking at me with an orientation of finger pointing and/or blame, or anything of the like. That to me is not healthy. I've heard the statements when someone says, I drove him/her away, or I could have been more understanding, I could have been there more, I withdrew, I was distanced, and I've heard people say, this was my fault. OK, so, let me be clear, if that is your position and that is how you feel, so be it. To each their own. I will not argue with you about that. That's not my place. How I look at me is in the context -- not with the focus -- of what the other person did and who they are being. To me, when someone cheats, it speaks to that person, the one who cheated. When my wife cheated -- that spoke to her. It didn't say anything about me. Whether she agrees with that or not -- that's my perspective and my mindset. Her cheating doesn't say anything about me.
Is it easy to feel that way, no, it is not. But like with other scenarios and situations -- it takes work. It can be painful. Drinking, under the influence, etc., that aside -- if someone by some definition were not enough, the answer or solution is not to cheat. Cheating is wrong. Period. Not enough is what, unfulfilling, not good enough -- even that were the case, the answer is not cheating in my opinion. Regardless, the not enough -- that doesn't fly with me. I don't think those dots connect. If you feel that way, OK, I am not saying anyone is wrong, but I feel in doing the work, part of it is to look deeper. The immediate deeper -- it is the other person, not you.
My wife was sick. She had a disease. Does that justify cheating? Not to me. But, after I got past the anger and resentment, I was able to have compassion -- for her and her sickness, not for what she did. I was not going to "take on" any ownership for her disease. I can look at my role in certain things -- but not when it comes to cheating. It doesn't matter why. Each person chooses their own path, thinking, decisions, and so forth.
What I made sure of is that for my own health and well-being, I made sure that the "look at me" element was not being an audience for blame, a sales pitch on why, that is was OK, having her or anyone justify or rationalize this to me, or anything of the like. It was cheating. Period. I was not sacrificing or changing my morals, values, ethics, and integrity because of someone else's behavior or reasoning.
Hang in there. Look to the people who support you -- meetings, sponsor, whatever it might be. Don't beat yourself up. Go gentle on yourself. This is not a "your fault" thing. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 19th of July 2017 08:46:11 AM
You bring up an interesting point and thank you .. it took me a long time to get where you are coming from and in the throws of newly discovered betrayal and the blinders coming off because all of a sudden the light of the truth was blinding .. sometimes it can be overwhelming.
It was a whole process and it was frustrating in the beginning when people would tell me just let it go, move on, forget about him .. it was like I needed that invisible accountability button/switch to throw so he got his butt zapped by lightening, and unfortunately I needed to see it happened because I needed the validation that I really wasn't getting that it wasn't about me. I actually had a family member tell me it was my fault he cheated, .. needless to say I have less contact with that particular family member.
The accountability switch flipped for me because all of a sudden it hit me that while I do not see myself at 50% at fault, I do have a part. I will always stand by the fact that my XAH is responsible for his choices and consequences regardless if he was sober or drunk. Yes, .. he has a disease however his stuff regardless if he wants it or not stays at his feet. His stuff is for him to figure out and it doesn't matter when it comes to me.
I had moments that I owned more than 50% of the breakdown of specific days and many moments I did have a part however trying to communicate with a fence post is pointless .. there is no feedback and if there is .. it's crazy feedback. So I stopped and that's where I knew my marriage was over and I knew it was over before the betrayal happened, there was just to much water under the bridge and I was drowning.
Now that there is more time and the water has receded I am better able to clearly see my relationship as it was without minimizing or maximizing the issues that were already in place. I think someone already mentioned even without the drinking .. there were other issues that were not being addressed that under a non drinking environment would have caused a breakdown .. neither of us knew how to have a grown up relationship with other people.
Thanks for bringing that up though .. time and distance will change my perception of what I thought while going through the hallways vs now as I choose a door of healing and well-being.
Hugs S :)