P. 267.

This chapter begins by talking about ambivalence. "In our young lives love and fear were as intimately blended as with scotch and soda." Family life was a rollercoaster ride. Through young innocent eyes this was our normal- this was our world as we knew it. "We learned to deny,minimise, exaggerate, and in time we came to resent and rage against life itself."

I recall, getting into my teens, on my pushbike riidin gon my own and crying out- its not fair, its not fear. It was both those things, with anger as well- simmering rage. Even Sunday's were not sacrosanct. I recall waiting for our Sunday dinner which was roast mutton. By the time our visitors had packed up and gone home the roast was hard and the size of my fist.

thereafter, if there was n't food on the table i would make potato fritters on the coal range- using the mutton fat to fry them in...no-one seemed to mind, or even notice. I think now- that they- the adults- were in a world of their own, every much as we were. 

The sun is going down, over snowy mountains... a friend and i biked out towards the settlement where i grew up. very much changed today. There is a flaming great lake now where the river used to be. But it bought back memories- swarms of them- both good and bad...

...the key, for me, was that I was no longer alone...no longer drifting into the abyss of nowhereness...

thanks for the share...

-D.

You did that very well David especially the being left to your own devises regarding your meals and then wasn't one of he outcomes the ingenuity and imagination that came to serve us later?   LOL  I wasn't alone even then Huh?  My safe spot...my wahi pana was upon a huge pohaku over looking a water fall and swimming hole called makewiliwili where I sat and quietly pleaded "help me",  "please help me" to my akua before I left to trudge my way back thru the jungle and to home and the disease still raging.  I would get notice in 2/9/1979 that Akua heard me when I entered the rooms of the Family Groups and this magical program.  My ashes will be sent back to that pohaku when my formal face to face with HP comes about.  Thank for your share and your use of from survival to recovery...it is what I use today also.  (((Hugs)))  

 This place is where we were welcomed on the marae [ke aloalii] and made members of the tribe. Lost young people, mostly from the cities- broken and extremely confused- not all of us made it, but many did... a great model for recovery and a good start.

Met an Alanon member there, with her Alanon friend- who had come to spend time with her son. This broke my will somewhat to 'go it alone'...

...the local people here do not usually get photographed.... 

riidin gon my own and crying out- its not fair, its not fear. It was both those things, with anger as well- simmering rage. Even Sunday's were not sacrosanct

Oh I can relate to this....crying out....riding my pony with my little back pack , running away AGAIN to anything better than "that hell hole"   crying out in rage and anger that I STILL am exorcising from my soul.....having to eat dog food b/c the "lady of the house" was drunk again and locked us kids out in the cold snow, freezing weather, where I would break into the garage and feed me and my younger siblings dog food if I could not catch any thing to eat roaming around our woods....winters were tough, trying to catch something to eat.....many times, I would wait for the breadman or milkman to deliver to my neighbors (offender stopped our deliveries becuse he just did not want to feed us) and I would get the other kids to distract the breadman or milkman while I snuck into the truck and stole enough for me and my siblings to eat....

oh yea...I was a very crafty and cunning thief...when my belly is concave from hunger, yea, I stole for me and my younger sibs....

This broke my will somewhat to 'go it alone'...

((((((David)))))) my cousin who is spendng the night with me (shes an alanoner too) and I were talking about this...that we needed to stick together and hang out more together......"going it alone" is a lonely place...Its always better when you got a good team mate covering your back.......Nice share!!!    HUGS

    thanks so much Rosie...  

 Sadly, for me, Iam, I did not discover breath until about 2 years ago- when I had sleep apnea.

However my health and outlook since then has gone ahead in leaps and bounds... ...more or less discovering myself...  thanks... ... 

 Thanks Iam,

                    I used to get angry, and worse, at lost opportunities. Migraine, glue ear, sinusitis; pain all round. I went on a lactose free diet which helped heaps. When I got my breathing sorted- I had a dry impossible cough. Especially when I was hedged in a room full of people.

When I began to breath deeply I coughed up lots and lots of gunk for 6 to 8 weeks... now every few days or so. Now I have a lot more energy... still work part time. Thing is i just did not know how to self care. Good for me too that i am in a relationship of many years, where my SO is in recovery too- and improving by the day.

Not regretful and angry any more- just grateful for today... thanks... 

Thank you David for sharing from Alanon's "From Survival To Recovery." I love that this book offers the reader such a wonderful message of hope!

One such message from the reading you chose is...

"In fact we were suffocating in our own unhappy habits, never realizing another way, a spiritual way, could allow us to draw lifegiving breaths of hope, friendship and love."

 Oh how I wish I'd known such a place to draw from as a child rather than believing faulty messages I was given about myself. Thank goodness today I'm the beneficiary of "breaths of hope" through the sharings of Alanon member such as yourself that assure me that my early experiences were not wild imaginings. Additionally, both here and at my in person Alanon meetings; I am offered friendship and unconditional love on my journey to continued love of self.

The chapter goes on to say..

"Because of our experiences may have been those of extreme emotions or anesthetized feelings, our challenge in our lives is to balance our emotions and accept the many variations of color and texture life presents."

This is the very core of my Alanon program work. There is absolutely no doubt that people, places and things even today can trigger pre-recovery thought and feelings based on very real fears from the past, a faulty self image formerly imposed on my psyche and unwarrented physical responses such as changes in breathing or heartbeat.

Thankfully, Alanon has afforded me an escape route. That route has been working the steps and continued support of others who "understand as few others can." These things along with the unconditional love of a power greater than myself - my higher power, I am no longer hypervigilant about the actions of active alcoholics. The greatest gift of working the Alanon program has been the lettting go of fear that the other shoe will drop. "I came, I came to, I came to believe." The loving higher power that is guiding my life an love me without condition is greater than the power of another's alcoholism over me, greater than the power of my past to keep me ruminating and isolated from living life on life's terms in the present. The Alanon program continues to prepare me to meet challenges even perhaps the challenge of accepting good things joyfully and deservedly.

Am I capable of asking for help and handling this problem? Is this good luck real? Do I trust myself? Do I trust this god of my understanding? Yes, to all of these because of seeking and continuing to work Alanon one day at a time. 

Thanks for sharing the journey, David. I'm grateful for your shares, the chance to learn about your culture and the lovely pictures you post.  TT