Sometimes I feel like I havent got a reason to complain if I hold my life against anothers. My A is not physically abusive, doesnt go to jail, doesnt wreck cars or lose jobs. He is 13 years older than I am, retired and spends almost all his time at home. He cooks dinner most nights while I work, he does the dishes most days, he is great at home improvement projects and just finished putting new metal railings on our deck. He is very talented and very smart and generally a nice person that gets along well with most people. But his drinking is a problem for me. He can go a few days without drinking, which he is doing right now because he got wasted on Monday and made an ass of himself in front of my family. But if he starts drinking he cannot stop. And it is getting worse all the time. I know this is a progressive disease and I know how this will end if he doesnt get help.
This problem has grown steadily worse in the last 2 or 3 years, and although I love my home, I feel I am ready to find another one, without him. The uncertainty of what I will find when I get home from work is just too much. Will he be passed out in a lounge chair on the patio in 100+ degree weather? Will he stay up all night drinking and banging around the house while I try to sleep? Will he push all my buttons trying to provoke an argument? I am feeling the exhaustion of trying to find my way through this land mine strewn life.
I go to my weekly alanon meeting and I share or just listen and I feel better and I learn a lot and although I am not as quick to give up my serenity as I was before meetings, I still find the struggle to be in a real intimate relationship with him too much. I have taken this week to going to the gym each day after work and staying away from home as long as I can. I come home and shower, eat something and go to bed to read. I engage with him enough to be cordial, but it is very superficial. I dont want to emotionally invest too much in our relationship right now.
I guess I am feeling the oppression of this disease this week. Even when my A is not partaking of the drink in front of me it is controlling our lives. Right now I just want a life where I am not constantly thinking about alcohol. I want so badly to not check to see how much he has consumed (counting and checking bottles). I want to not care so much about what he does and how he is spending his time. But in doing that and telling myself these things (Fake it till you make it?) I find my concern for him in general diminishing. I really dont care to talk to him at all. I dont want him to feel I am punishing him, but I really have to make myself talk to him right now. I keep thinking about one night when he told me I am nicer to our friends than I am to him. I guess it is true. I only have to deal with friends when I want to, but him, I live with and have no choice but to deal with him.
I know I need to quit blaming him for how I feel. I need to own my feelings and rind a way to make them something else. I feel like this is the hardest thing I have done because I dont see an end in sight. With my wayward kids, it was when they turned 18 and were out of my site all the time. With cancer it was surgery and radiation, but this feels like a new kind of prison.
Okay, pity party over. Time to get to my yoga class and get some serenity.
mamalioness said
Jul 13, 2017
hey Bethany, your story is similiar to my marriage 13 years to AH #2....yea, he was a great guy, but, I too, was being impacted by his drinking...he was in the navy..so a lot of time he went out to sea and had to be sober...then he would get into port and get S***faced first off....he was rooming with his best mate adn his wife who were stationed in HI and my Ex was going to be there for a month or so...so it made sense he stay with his best mate who was married now....well the wife and I got friendly and she related to me that she had to ask my Ex to leave because his drinking was "just too much" since her husband was a heavy drinker as well....i felt so embarrassed, even though it wasn't ME, it was still someone married to me.....
i found myself counting the wine boxes (those big 4 ltr boxes you get with the spout and all) well he found some on "special" at walmart or someplace and got NINE of them for his leave time at home which was one month and "oh yea, I'll just leave what I don't drink and you can have your ONE wine cooler when you feel like it" well, he sucked nearly ALL of it by the time he left back to the ship
I confronted him adn said "how could you consume THAT much wine???" and he of course told me "well you had some" and I say "yea, ONE wine cooler and NOT every night" Oh yea, I really hit the inventory hard...I was disgusted that he couldn't even admit to me that he drank it all up.....our relationship began to go down hill...slowly , like a slow leakin a glass..you don't really see the little drips until they gather in a corner and then you see a full CUP of water...and the "oh wow" moment comes in
I told him in late winter 2000 that we BOTH needed help...Me alanon him AA and if this was NOT started by "this date" that i had circled on calandar, then he had to move out and we were done...I wanted better in life...I wanted a sober relationship...I wanted an equal, mutual, even tho he was good to me and had lots of his money sent home to me, he STILL was an alcoholic and I knew where this was going...I would end up having to give end of life care to him , lose my jobs, to care for him...clean up his already getting bad messes...worry each time he cooked that he wouldn't set the house on fire (2 close calls) I was walking on egg shells...wondering what he would break or damage....he was drunk when he was fixing up this Xtra car we had and wanted to sell...cost big time to fix it up so we could sell...hence profit was very small.....i mean it was one thing after another and it began towear me out.......i circled the date.....told him to crap or get off the pot, so to speak....he said "no" to recovery....moved out early May 2000 and almost immediately found a female drinker who WOULD not only enable him but get drunk with him........
yea, unless they get help?? its a losing situation as far as my experiences go...I am happy for the ones who can live a full , serene, detached, happy life with an active A....to me???it is waaay too much work/maintenance to put into any one human being.....when they can get into AA and get clean...........sorry you are going through this....and its OK to have a pity party...I do it...then I drag out my grateful list and work my program in some way that puts me in positive mode.....
please do come back...this program is amazing...it really works......
Iamhere said
Jul 13, 2017
Hey Bethany - so very sorry that you're where you are....I recall a time when I in my car would slow down on the way to my home as I dreaded what I might find. It's so very difficult to love/live with an A - just hard.....I fully understand the pity party too - yet I love how you 'dumped' here and then posted your plan for self-care.
Anytime I am disconnected from my serenity, my best next steps are to lean into the program. There have been times where I've added more meetings, gone out for coffee and/or called others just to get through a day and it has worked to get me back to focusing on what's working instead of what's not working. Yet - where we're there, it feels like it won't end, there is no 'other side' and it just simply stinks.
I'm hopeful your share brought you some freedom and am sending you thoughts and prayers! (((Hugs))) too...
Freetime said
Jul 13, 2017
Hey Bethany, fellow yogi here, I hope your yoga class was great.
I can relate to your situation ... so much of it was mine, too. Staying away from home as much as possible, becoming overwhelmed by the work of trying to stay sane at home, and definitely feeling that the drinking and the health effects of the drinking were controlling my life. I did go to the gym more, and I LOVED my job because it kept me out of the house 10 hours a day. I always had that dread when coming home, and when waking up in the morning, because I did not know what I would find. And the times he acted like a jerk, and I had no idea what to do. I was like the frog in the pan of water that was slowly, slowly heating up. And, yes, he was a good guy -- who had done so many wonderful things for me -- with a bad disease, and I could hardly stand to be around him.
I got some relief by physical separation ... in my case, husband had to go into a care facility because his health condition was so bad I could not care for him at home. Having the home to myself was such a relief, although I did have great anxiety that he would come back. That did not happen.
But mainly I came here to say that you surely are not alone, and that I have felt what you feel.
-- Edited by Freetime on Thursday 13th of July 2017 10:46:45 PM
mamalioness said
Jul 13, 2017
Freetime wrote:
I got some relief by physical separation ... in my case, husband had to go into a care facility because his health condition was so bad I could not care for him at home. Having the home to myself was such a relief, although I did have great anxiety that he would come back. That did not happen.
But mainly I came here to say that you surely are not alone, and that I have felt what you feel.
-- Edited by Freetime on Thursday 13th of July 2017 10:46:45 PM
hey Freetime: my brother's best friend and I chatted about this..."what will happen when *R's* drinking starts to demolish him and he needs end of life care"....we both agreed that neither of us are capable and able to take care of him when alcohol takes him down....I spoke with brother yesterday adn he actually SAID that his liver was swollen when he ended up in a hospital for pneumonia they checked him while he was there (he has no insurance) and found his liver is swollen...and hes not worried...not thinking of AA and here he is telling ME this...I said nothing...no reply.....i just listened, but his bestie up there in MA told me "I can't take care of him when that times comes, can you???" I said "NO!!!I have all I can do to take care of me...." and I was dead serious.....I am sorry your story ended with his ending up in a care facility, which my cancer sister is right now, in, and I'm hoping medicare will cover this, but anyway, i guess its better than trying to care for them at home...my daughter and her girl, and my sis's daughters are caring for her AT the facility to give support and even THAT is so draining....my poor girl is sooo tired......my heart aches for her but she lives in CA so yea, she visits her at night.....I know I kinda ran away with this, but I was thinking of my brother and none of us are ABLE to care for him at the end....I can't do it....not money wise, not emotions wise, not health wise...I want and NEED for MY health a simple, away from drama, away from chaos life....I have PTSD and GAD and it is a living hell, sometimes when I get too much of "life" I get sick!!! have to stay home and sleep and rest for a day or so......so I hear ya!!!! the anxiety must have been over the charts, worrying if he would end up home.....just wanted to weigh in and say I can relate to what U posted....My brother is gonna end up unable to function anymore and I don't know who or what is gonna care for him.....sounds cold, but I just CANNOT do it!!!!!
el-cee said
Jul 14, 2017
I can relate to all you say here and yes it was a prison for me too. I have accepted that alcoholism and active drinking make me sick, literally my thinking becomes distorted and disturbed. I have accepted I cant live with active drinking, its not good for me and so I wont. I left my ex and I had to remove my son. Active drinking doesn't in anyway enhance my life, my job is to improve my life. Its funny I was listening to AA speakers yesterday and one of them was saying in a jokey way that one thing he could never understand was what kind of thinking means a person would voluntarily live with an active drinker? A sick one and one who has beautiful traits gone a bit extreme.
mamalioness said
Jul 14, 2017
I have accepted I cant live with active drinking, its not good for me and so I wont. I left my ex and I had to remove my son. Active drinking doesn't in anyway enhance my life, my job is to improve my life.
********************
this was the hard decision I had to come to, after working step 4 on my experiences, progress, NEEDS to get, stay as healthy as I can....I cut loose a LOT of people who are active drinking because it triggers me (the alcohol abuse) it reminds me of a place I never want to be in....living with an active alcoholic...my, job, also is to "get better" "think healthier" and manage my GAD as best as I can....I cannot do that with Unhealthy behavior from those around me...so I am pretty black and white when it comes to "hanging out" with users and drinkers....this girl, accross the street, smokes pot and abuses tranquilizing drugs...I had to cut her loose from my life...she shows up at my doorstep High as a Georgia Pine and I don't answer...Had to majorally distance myself because I just can't stand it (using and drinking) anymore.....and I watched this girl grow up...she calls me "her other mother" it breaks my heart to have to distance myself but I will NOT be around that behavior......thank you el-cee for weighing in here....
SerenityRUS said
Jul 14, 2017
EC .. I completely feel you .. I know some people can .. I just get to tied in and I'm sure it's directly related to me working my program differently. I have so much other things going on that investing that kind of time takes away from where my focus needs to be .. so allowing people to go be them is exactly where I am at. In my direct environment is to much for my brain to deal with, hormones, paramenopause and just learning to be is all I can handle right this second.
Hugs S :)
KT2015 said
Jul 14, 2017
The beauty of this program is we all have the ability to think for ourselves and regain trust in our ability to make decisions. I like the way you are taking care of yourself Bethany. I find that I take things one day at a time in my relationship. I find that my AH also does not fit the stereotype you describe at the beginning (jail, abusive, neglectful of his kid) and this program has helped me to see him as much more than his disease without getting so sucked in to all the chaos when it rears it's ugly head. In taking care of myself and focusing on myself I find peace and serenity and accomplish so much more than I ever thought possible.
As someone who lives with an active alcoholic I may be coming from a different view as some of the other posters. I admit that maybe I am sensitive about the issue however to label someone who lives with active alcoholism as sick (or their thinking as sick) merely on the fact that they choose to live with someone active in a disease I feel is quite disrespectful to many people myself included. I don't ascribe to that belief because if it were true the cure to being affected by an Alcoholic would be choose not to live with them and I'm pretty sure that is not the case. I believe that every situation is different and everyone has to make a choice that is best for themselves when it is best for them.
Keep taking care of you Bethany.
-- Edited by KT2015 on Friday 14th of July 2017 12:30:14 PM
Jerry F said
Jul 14, 2017
This is a great and useful post as it deals with choices and decision regarding living with and in the disease of alcoholism. The consequences of that for me was it would kill me and my alcoholic wife just as the definition of the disease says "it's fatal". I could not imagine having the story of my life end at the fatal dedication to trying to get and alcoholic/addict spouse and family members clean and sober against their own wills. I've already lived way past where I should have gone down completely and accomplished so much in the line of gratitude. I have been in more alcoholic/addictive relationships than a sane person would want to admit to.
One thing I learned was and is that the relationship is mutually supportive and respectful and that if one member won't there is no law that I must do it alone and while being submitted to life threatening conditions.
My early sponsor advised me, "Jerry you are going to have to remove yourself from all things alcohol" which included my own drinking and when I followed thru on that suggestion including my Family of Origin and friends and associates and marriage partners my spirit to live sanely returned from far off.
Thank God for the Al-Anon Family Groups!!! and MIP!!! ((((hugs))))
Jen61 said
Jul 14, 2017
I felt the same way. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach after I got off work wondering what I would find. I felt like I wanted to run away.
mamalioness said
Jul 14, 2017
KT___I admit that maybe I am sensitive about the issue however to label someone who lives with active alcoholism as sick (or their thinking as sick) merely on the fact that they choose to live with someone active in a disease I feel is quite disrespectful to many people myself included
that is TERRIBLE to say that to you...even tho I don't support being around ANYthing or ANYone relating to alcohol, the ones who choose to stay with an active drinker, that is THEIR business and choice.....so sorry that one would label those who choose to stick it out as sick or their thinking is sick.....NOT cool.....
mamalioness said
Jul 14, 2017
My early sponsor advised me, "Jerry you are going to have to remove yourself from all things alcohol" which included my own drinking and when I followed thru on that suggestion including my Family of Origin and friends and associates and marriage partners my spirit to live sanely returned from far off.
*********************
Hey Jerry...MY sponsor told me the same thing when I got into alanon et al....that I would have to separate myself from EVERYTHING involving alcohol, given the mess I was in emotionally from the drinkers in my life......I didn't get it at first...thought that I could just "detach and rock on" as they say.....but my growth was not happening...I was not progressing....I was still , even tho I divorced my 2nd Alcoholic, I still "hung out" with others who drank....siblings...friends...I wouldn't DATE anyone who drank, but I hung out with it nevertheless.....I finally arrived at the decision b/c of my own "ism" personality and my being a Co-addict...I had to separate from it all, like you.....I keep my *A* brother at a huge distance...hes in MA I am in TX...he wants to come visit...I told him I don't allow alcohol near me, in my house, in my vehicle....I don't want substance abuse of any kind around me and non recovering alcoholics are a detriment to my recovery and my own emotional sobriety.....I can't do it and keep moving forward....hes not in AA, not clean for an extended period of time, so NO visit....I hated to do that to him, but for ONCE, I am putting my welfare FIRST.......
el-cee said
Jul 14, 2017
Kt . I know my thinking will always be sick on and off even with recovery. I accept that. I admire those who stay and I believe when I was in recovery and living with active drinking my progress was accelerated. I clung to the program more than ever and those who stay and have serenity are like gurus to me and I aspire to that. I'm not there. Active drinking scares me more than anything ever has and I get lost in it. I don't want to do it not for any human on this planet including my own son who I love very much. Sorry if my comments sounded disrespectful. I can see now how it did.x
Iamhere said
Jul 14, 2017
What I love about recovery is we each get to make our own journey. I readily admit some of the comments above are 'strong' and if I were not where I am, I might be offended. It doesn't upset me - it makes me sad more than anything.
Perhaps because of my own journey and disease, perhaps because we're all just different - don't know and it doesn't really matter - each of us gets to do what is right for us. I am one who used to have panic attacks coming back to my home. We all have our war stories of living with active disease and nobody's is better/worse than another. What is different is who 'we' each are.
I have full faith in my higher power who brought me to the disease, through the bottom I had to endure to recovery only to have it all resurface as I was preparing to celebrate some decent sobriety. Trust me when I say I wanted to run, actually bolt away from this craziness and because of my hard work in recovery, I felt I deserved to be absolutely 'free' from the disease and the diseased. Of course, in my life, this was MY WILL...not my HP's.
Each time I was preparing to make a break, there was an absolute message for me that it was not yet my time. While progress remains my ultimate goal and always will, I can only have serenity in my life while living with this disease if I work my program each day to the best of my ability. At any point that I've taken a break (missed meetings, stopped talking with sponsor, stepped away from literature, etc.) I have returned to some level of insanity which starts the whole stinking thinking in me.
I do understand that staying in a relationship is not a workable solution for most. Perhaps I stay because I walked away/bailed on my first marriage when it got tough (I was the drunk...not him) and am trying to learn from that. Perhaps I stay because I love my AH deeply and can accept with no doubts that he's sick vs. a moral dilemma - I can't 100% tell you why I stay but I can say that for me, the gal who always ran from issues, problems, hard times and more - I am 100% proud of who I am in recovery and that I can find peace in the middle of the storm.
Al-Anon and recovery as a whole has opened my mind and my heart to respect everyone's right to their own life/recovery/choices. I try to live each day to the fullest and work to have no (more) regrets. Mistakes and mishaps are a part of being human - I no longer hate to come home, I no longer avoid coming home and I no longer have panic attacks. If I truly stop and take stock, I am living my best life ever and it's not because of the people I live with but rather the 'company' I keep (HP).
So Bethany - I hear you and I do understand. There is no shame in making a change nor is there shame in not knowing yet. We each get to embrace our journey in our way, our time and as it unfolds. More will always be revealed and you'll know what's best for you as you keep doing your recovery! (((Hugs)))
KT2015 said
Jul 14, 2017
Thanks El Cee I have a lot of respect for you I always have . Sorry if I got overly touchy it may have more to do with my mixed up feelings these days than anything else. ((Hugs))
Jerry F said
Jul 14, 2017
Mama the greatest concern my sponsor had was for me and he and others wanted to know if I could follow thru with that suggestion. I could and I did and the hardest time I had was with my alcoholic/addict as I went thru a perception of taking a child/infant out to the middle of a busy intersection during rush hour and laying her there and walking away. That was only metaphoric yet I was raise learning thru pictures; metaphors and I broke out crying for a while at having my "baby" killed because of my inattention. Wasn't/isn't real yet very often I need pictures to get the picture. ((((hugs))))
mamalioness said
Jul 15, 2017
((((((((((((((((((((Jerry))))))))))))))))))))))) One of the saddest things is to have to cut someone loose because they refuse to get help...its like I am walking down this bridge , headed for a new and beautiful land, with clean water and fish and lush grass for the game to eat and just a much better place...Trees for me to utilize to build my cozy cabin and I am walking over the bridge to reach my better place and I turn back and I view the place I left...barren...no wildlife, no flora, the water is dirty, tainted with chemicals, and there is trash all over the place...I see that there is nothing for me there and i see my loved ones at the bridge..they can see me walking away towards the land of beauty and hope and good health and they refuse to walk over the bridge and join me and the others who want a better, cleaner, more hopeful life.....I beckon to them to "come with me to this better place", I wave and encourage them, but they refuse to leave where they are at.....I have to keep walking and now I do....I can only help those who want to help themselves.....and I know if I don't do what is right and good and healthy by me, and meet my needs first, I am useless to the ones I can encourage and support who want to help themselves into a better circumstance............I hear ya , my friend, its hard..tough...However, that said, I want to make it...I want my better and healthier and more positive life....I am willing to pay that price to get and maintain my serenity and sanity.....Your post was beautiful...thank you for writing it......
Jerry F said
Jul 17, 2017
Lord I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may be witness to those of thy power thy love and thy way of life...may I do thy will always.
This is the third step prayer of AA which I keep with me constantly and it helps me to keep being available to HP and the program...It has never failed to work. Great post ((((hugs)))) I am not such a grand fellow as my avatar which I have named a "fricken chicken".
mamalioness said
Jul 17, 2017
my avatar which I have named a "fricken chicken".
***************************************************
LOLOLOL......well that fricken chicken is fricken cute........HAHAAHAHA...after my big battle tonight, I needed this laugh.......now THAT is one colorful rooster.....
I'm not into prayer, but I gotta say, that was a beauty what you quoted above....WOW!!!! touched my heart..I can "feel" your love for that prayer....thank you for sharing it.....HUGS
Bo said
Jul 17, 2017
Bethany, like many others, I hear you, felt what you're feeling, and dealt with so much of that. I was the one who, numerous times a week, while driving home, had to stop about a mile or so away from home, to throw up because I was so overcome with anxiety. I did not know "who" was waiting for me when I got home. I was so scared, of the unknown, I would get sick. I had panic/anxiety attacks and was simply afraid and scared to go home. My AEXW was not abusive, she was not a criminal, she was not in and out of jail, etc. She just drank. I might find a wife who was buzzed, drunk, passed out, belligerent, confrontational, argumentative, angry, I don't know. I had seen them all before and was just scared of what and who I might find. This might seem trivial to some, but to me it was like facing a monster who I just knew would destroy me.
I eventually grew to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. I couldn't take it any more. Enough. I got to the point where I would be civil, polite, cordial, compassionate, but I could not be a true spouse or partner because she wasn't present. We couldn't connect on a meaningful level. I don't know if this makes sense. This was not what I wanted and could have for the rest of my life. Even when she wasn't drunk, the drinking, the alcohol, just controlled her life, and eventually started to control mine. It started to dictate how we lived...because I allowed it. She allowed it for her, but I didn't have to allow it for me and my life.
I detached. I accepted. I didn't engage. But I couldn't create a world where we could live together and be married like this. She could. She wanted to. And she expected me to do so. But I couldn't. That was just me. I could not be that type of husband. And when I couldn't -- she blamed me. She said I was the problem, I was the one who withdrew, got distanced, pulled back, became a stranger and roommate, and so on. Thus, it was all my fault. But, I had done so much work in al-anon I knew this wasn't true. Just because she said I was a chair, that didn't mean I was in fact a chair. I wasn't.
One thing I became guilty of was giving accolades and reciting her good qualities, and used that so I could justify staying and not leaving. I got to the point -- and I am exaggerating -- that if someone sneezed, and she said "God bless you" then I was ready to give her the Nobel Peace Prize. I rationalized and justified my poor decision making, my unhealthy decisions, and again -- that was just me. That's where I was. I was 40 years old at the time and couldn't live the rest of my life this way. I wanted to get better. I set boundaries and I honored them. She got angrier. And that's OK. I kept doing what was best for me. I explained that if we didn't make some decisions collectively -- about us, our marriage, etc. -- then we would arrive at a point where we as individuals would make decisions individually. We agreed to a 6 month time frame. It worked. Except for one thing. I gave a 6 month time frame 10 times! I stayed for another 5 years. It was miserable, but that was my decision. I didn't want to, but I did. I couldn't bring myself to leave. Finally, after a great deal of work, support, al-anon, Blueprint For Progress, working the steps, and the help, insight, objectivity, love and guidance of my sponsor...I made the decision I wanted to make.
Each person is different. Each situation is different. I found -- for me -- that this program and doing all the work, allowed me to arrive at a point where I was able to make healthy decisions -- based upon intellect, being healthy, from healthy perspectives, and sound, just, quality decisions. Not decisions based upon fear, duress, emotions, stress, anxiety, and being unhealthy.
Keep coming back.
Bo said
Jul 17, 2017
By the way, I like and can relate to the prison analogy. Thanks for the reminder. And, I hope the yoga class went well.
2HP said
Jul 17, 2017
pity party bethany? or a guidepost merely pointing you to focus on the solution again. that is how suffering works for me.
as one who has divorced an alcoholic, i can assure you that decision/choice never ends, it continues. daily i must live and concentrate on step 3 and 11. yoga (uniting with godhead) could no longer remain in classroom or my meditation chair, it has to come with me, the peace that passes understanding. with heart absorbed in higher power, i can and do, overcome my difficulties. and having made the decision to divorce, higher power came right along with me. god bless you, my friend. many thanks for sharing your journey.
LexieA said
Jul 19, 2017
Living wit an a river drinker is so terribly hard on the emotional and physical being. I don't think people would understand how it sucks the life out of a person.
Only when I sleep, I dream my dreams with my easy emotionally life. Everything in life is hard. There are no easy streets. Only deep breathing.
My friend tells me we all have battles in our life to deal with on a daily basis. What happens when I get tired and can't do the emotionally battle.
Sometimes it hard to put myself in a pretty picture place where happiness slides down the hill and smiles invade the space. It's a battle of survival. Who's going to win?
Sometimes I feel like I havent got a reason to complain if I hold my life against anothers. My A is not physically abusive, doesnt go to jail, doesnt wreck cars or lose jobs. He is 13 years older than I am, retired and spends almost all his time at home. He cooks dinner most nights while I work, he does the dishes most days, he is great at home improvement projects and just finished putting new metal railings on our deck. He is very talented and very smart and generally a nice person that gets along well with most people. But his drinking is a problem for me. He can go a few days without drinking, which he is doing right now because he got wasted on Monday and made an ass of himself in front of my family. But if he starts drinking he cannot stop. And it is getting worse all the time. I know this is a progressive disease and I know how this will end if he doesnt get help.
This problem has grown steadily worse in the last 2 or 3 years, and although I love my home, I feel I am ready to find another one, without him. The uncertainty of what I will find when I get home from work is just too much. Will he be passed out in a lounge chair on the patio in 100+ degree weather? Will he stay up all night drinking and banging around the house while I try to sleep? Will he push all my buttons trying to provoke an argument? I am feeling the exhaustion of trying to find my way through this land mine strewn life.
I go to my weekly alanon meeting and I share or just listen and I feel better and I learn a lot and although I am not as quick to give up my serenity as I was before meetings, I still find the struggle to be in a real intimate relationship with him too much. I have taken this week to going to the gym each day after work and staying away from home as long as I can. I come home and shower, eat something and go to bed to read. I engage with him enough to be cordial, but it is very superficial. I dont want to emotionally invest too much in our relationship right now.
I guess I am feeling the oppression of this disease this week. Even when my A is not partaking of the drink in front of me it is controlling our lives. Right now I just want a life where I am not constantly thinking about alcohol. I want so badly to not check to see how much he has consumed (counting and checking bottles). I want to not care so much about what he does and how he is spending his time. But in doing that and telling myself these things (Fake it till you make it?) I find my concern for him in general diminishing. I really dont care to talk to him at all. I dont want him to feel I am punishing him, but I really have to make myself talk to him right now. I keep thinking about one night when he told me I am nicer to our friends than I am to him. I guess it is true. I only have to deal with friends when I want to, but him, I live with and have no choice but to deal with him.
I know I need to quit blaming him for how I feel. I need to own my feelings and rind a way to make them something else. I feel like this is the hardest thing I have done because I dont see an end in sight. With my wayward kids, it was when they turned 18 and were out of my site all the time. With cancer it was surgery and radiation, but this feels like a new kind of prison.
Okay, pity party over. Time to get to my yoga class and get some serenity.
i found myself counting the wine boxes (those big 4 ltr boxes you get with the spout and all) well he found some on "special" at walmart or someplace and got NINE of them for his leave time at home which was one month and "oh yea, I'll just leave what I don't drink and you can have your ONE wine cooler when you feel like it" well, he sucked nearly ALL of it by the time he left back to the ship
I confronted him adn said "how could you consume THAT much wine???" and he of course told me "well you had some" and I say "yea, ONE wine cooler and NOT every night" Oh yea, I really hit the inventory hard...I was disgusted that he couldn't even admit to me that he drank it all up.....our relationship began to go down hill...slowly , like a slow leakin a glass..you don't really see the little drips until they gather in a corner and then you see a full CUP of water...and the "oh wow" moment comes in
I told him in late winter 2000 that we BOTH needed help...Me alanon him AA and if this was NOT started by "this date" that i had circled on calandar, then he had to move out and we were done...I wanted better in life...I wanted a sober relationship...I wanted an equal, mutual, even tho he was good to me and had lots of his money sent home to me, he STILL was an alcoholic and I knew where this was going...I would end up having to give end of life care to him , lose my jobs, to care for him...clean up his already getting bad messes...worry each time he cooked that he wouldn't set the house on fire (2 close calls) I was walking on egg shells...wondering what he would break or damage....he was drunk when he was fixing up this Xtra car we had and wanted to sell...cost big time to fix it up so we could sell...hence profit was very small.....i mean it was one thing after another and it began towear me out.......i circled the date.....told him to crap or get off the pot, so to speak....he said "no" to recovery....moved out early May 2000 and almost immediately found a female drinker who WOULD not only enable him but get drunk with him........
yea, unless they get help?? its a losing situation as far as my experiences go...I am happy for the ones who can live a full , serene, detached, happy life with an active A....to me???it is waaay too much work/maintenance to put into any one human being.....when they can get into AA and get clean...........sorry you are going through this....and its OK to have a pity party...I do it...then I drag out my grateful list and work my program in some way that puts me in positive mode.....
please do come back...this program is amazing...it really works......
Anytime I am disconnected from my serenity, my best next steps are to lean into the program. There have been times where I've added more meetings, gone out for coffee and/or called others just to get through a day and it has worked to get me back to focusing on what's working instead of what's not working. Yet - where we're there, it feels like it won't end, there is no 'other side' and it just simply stinks.
I'm hopeful your share brought you some freedom and am sending you thoughts and prayers! (((Hugs))) too...
Hey Bethany, fellow yogi here, I hope your yoga class was great.
I can relate to your situation ... so much of it was mine, too. Staying away from home as much as possible, becoming overwhelmed by the work of trying to stay sane at home, and definitely feeling that the drinking and the health effects of the drinking were controlling my life. I did go to the gym more, and I LOVED my job because it kept me out of the house 10 hours a day. I always had that dread when coming home, and when waking up in the morning, because I did not know what I would find. And the times he acted like a jerk, and I had no idea what to do. I was like the frog in the pan of water that was slowly, slowly heating up. And, yes, he was a good guy -- who had done so many wonderful things for me -- with a bad disease, and I could hardly stand to be around him.
I got some relief by physical separation ... in my case, husband had to go into a care facility because his health condition was so bad I could not care for him at home. Having the home to myself was such a relief, although I did have great anxiety that he would come back. That did not happen.
But mainly I came here to say that you surely are not alone, and that I have felt what you feel.
-- Edited by Freetime on Thursday 13th of July 2017 10:46:45 PM
hey Freetime: my brother's best friend and I chatted about this..."what will happen when *R's* drinking starts to demolish him and he needs end of life care"....we both agreed that neither of us are capable and able to take care of him when alcohol takes him down....I spoke with brother yesterday adn he actually SAID that his liver was swollen when he ended up in a hospital for pneumonia they checked him while he was there (he has no insurance) and found his liver is swollen...and hes not worried...not thinking of AA and here he is telling ME this...I said nothing...no reply.....i just listened, but his bestie up there in MA told me "I can't take care of him when that times comes, can you???" I said "NO!!!I have all I can do to take care of me...." and I was dead serious.....I am sorry your story ended with his ending up in a care facility, which my cancer sister is right now, in, and I'm hoping medicare will cover this, but anyway, i guess its better than trying to care for them at home...my daughter and her girl, and my sis's daughters are caring for her AT the facility to give support and even THAT is so draining....my poor girl is sooo tired......my heart aches for her but she lives in CA so yea, she visits her at night.....I know I kinda ran away with this, but I was thinking of my brother and none of us are ABLE to care for him at the end....I can't do it....not money wise, not emotions wise, not health wise...I want and NEED for MY health a simple, away from drama, away from chaos life....I have PTSD and GAD and it is a living hell, sometimes when I get too much of "life" I get sick!!! have to stay home and sleep and rest for a day or so......so I hear ya!!!! the anxiety must have been over the charts, worrying if he would end up home.....just wanted to weigh in and say I can relate to what U posted....My brother is gonna end up unable to function anymore and I don't know who or what is gonna care for him.....sounds cold, but I just CANNOT do it!!!!!
I have accepted I cant live with active drinking, its not good for me and so I wont. I left my ex and I had to remove my son. Active drinking doesn't in anyway enhance my life, my job is to improve my life.
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this was the hard decision I had to come to, after working step 4 on my experiences, progress, NEEDS to get, stay as healthy as I can....I cut loose a LOT of people who are active drinking because it triggers me (the alcohol abuse) it reminds me of a place I never want to be in....living with an active alcoholic...my, job, also is to "get better" "think healthier" and manage my GAD as best as I can....I cannot do that with Unhealthy behavior from those around me...so I am pretty black and white when it comes to "hanging out" with users and drinkers....this girl, accross the street, smokes pot and abuses tranquilizing drugs...I had to cut her loose from my life...she shows up at my doorstep High as a Georgia Pine and I don't answer...Had to majorally distance myself because I just can't stand it (using and drinking) anymore.....and I watched this girl grow up...she calls me "her other mother" it breaks my heart to have to distance myself but I will NOT be around that behavior......thank you el-cee for weighing in here....
Hugs S :)
The beauty of this program is we all have the ability to think for ourselves and regain trust in our ability to make decisions. I like the way you are taking care of yourself Bethany. I find that I take things one day at a time in my relationship. I find that my AH also does not fit the stereotype you describe at the beginning (jail, abusive, neglectful of his kid) and this program has helped me to see him as much more than his disease without getting so sucked in to all the chaos when it rears it's ugly head. In taking care of myself and focusing on myself I find peace and serenity and accomplish so much more than I ever thought possible.
As someone who lives with an active alcoholic I may be coming from a different view as some of the other posters. I admit that maybe I am sensitive about the issue however to label someone who lives with active alcoholism as sick (or their thinking as sick) merely on the fact that they choose to live with someone active in a disease I feel is quite disrespectful to many people myself included. I don't ascribe to that belief because if it were true the cure to being affected by an Alcoholic would be choose not to live with them and I'm pretty sure that is not the case. I believe that every situation is different and everyone has to make a choice that is best for themselves when it is best for them.
Keep taking care of you Bethany.
-- Edited by KT2015 on Friday 14th of July 2017 12:30:14 PM
This is a great and useful post as it deals with choices and decision regarding living with and in the disease of alcoholism. The consequences of that for me was it would kill me and my alcoholic wife just as the definition of the disease says "it's fatal". I could not imagine having the story of my life end at the fatal dedication to trying to get and alcoholic/addict spouse and family members clean and sober against their own wills. I've already lived way past where I should have gone down completely and accomplished so much in the line of gratitude. I have been in more alcoholic/addictive relationships than a sane person would want to admit to.
One thing I learned was and is that the relationship is mutually supportive and respectful and that if one member won't there is no law that I must do it alone and while being submitted to life threatening conditions.
My early sponsor advised me, "Jerry you are going to have to remove yourself from all things alcohol" which included my own drinking and when I followed thru on that suggestion including my Family of Origin and friends and associates and marriage partners my spirit to live sanely returned from far off.
Thank God for the Al-Anon Family Groups!!! and MIP!!! ((((hugs))))
KT___ I admit that maybe I am sensitive about the issue however to label someone who lives with active alcoholism as sick (or their thinking as sick) merely on the fact that they choose to live with someone active in a disease I feel is quite disrespectful to many people myself included
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that is TERRIBLE to say that to you...even tho I don't support being around ANYthing or ANYone relating to alcohol, the ones who choose to stay with an active drinker, that is THEIR business and choice.....so sorry that one would label those who choose to stick it out as sick or their thinking is sick.....NOT cool.....
My early sponsor advised me, "Jerry you are going to have to remove yourself from all things alcohol" which included my own drinking and when I followed thru on that suggestion including my Family of Origin and friends and associates and marriage partners my spirit to live sanely returned from far off.
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Hey Jerry...MY sponsor told me the same thing when I got into alanon et al....that I would have to separate myself from EVERYTHING involving alcohol, given the mess I was in emotionally from the drinkers in my life......I didn't get it at first...thought that I could just "detach and rock on" as they say.....but my growth was not happening...I was not progressing....I was still , even tho I divorced my 2nd Alcoholic, I still "hung out" with others who drank....siblings...friends...I wouldn't DATE anyone who drank, but I hung out with it nevertheless.....I finally arrived at the decision b/c of my own "ism" personality and my being a Co-addict...I had to separate from it all, like you.....I keep my *A* brother at a huge distance...hes in MA I am in TX...he wants to come visit...I told him I don't allow alcohol near me, in my house, in my vehicle....I don't want substance abuse of any kind around me and non recovering alcoholics are a detriment to my recovery and my own emotional sobriety.....I can't do it and keep moving forward....hes not in AA, not clean for an extended period of time, so NO visit....I hated to do that to him, but for ONCE, I am putting my welfare FIRST.......
Perhaps because of my own journey and disease, perhaps because we're all just different - don't know and it doesn't really matter - each of us gets to do what is right for us. I am one who used to have panic attacks coming back to my home. We all have our war stories of living with active disease and nobody's is better/worse than another. What is different is who 'we' each are.
I have full faith in my higher power who brought me to the disease, through the bottom I had to endure to recovery only to have it all resurface as I was preparing to celebrate some decent sobriety. Trust me when I say I wanted to run, actually bolt away from this craziness and because of my hard work in recovery, I felt I deserved to be absolutely 'free' from the disease and the diseased. Of course, in my life, this was MY WILL...not my HP's.
Each time I was preparing to make a break, there was an absolute message for me that it was not yet my time. While progress remains my ultimate goal and always will, I can only have serenity in my life while living with this disease if I work my program each day to the best of my ability. At any point that I've taken a break (missed meetings, stopped talking with sponsor, stepped away from literature, etc.) I have returned to some level of insanity which starts the whole stinking thinking in me.
I do understand that staying in a relationship is not a workable solution for most. Perhaps I stay because I walked away/bailed on my first marriage when it got tough (I was the drunk...not him) and am trying to learn from that. Perhaps I stay because I love my AH deeply and can accept with no doubts that he's sick vs. a moral dilemma - I can't 100% tell you why I stay but I can say that for me, the gal who always ran from issues, problems, hard times and more - I am 100% proud of who I am in recovery and that I can find peace in the middle of the storm.
Al-Anon and recovery as a whole has opened my mind and my heart to respect everyone's right to their own life/recovery/choices. I try to live each day to the fullest and work to have no (more) regrets. Mistakes and mishaps are a part of being human - I no longer hate to come home, I no longer avoid coming home and I no longer have panic attacks. If I truly stop and take stock, I am living my best life ever and it's not because of the people I live with but rather the 'company' I keep (HP).
So Bethany - I hear you and I do understand. There is no shame in making a change nor is there shame in not knowing yet. We each get to embrace our journey in our way, our time and as it unfolds. More will always be revealed and you'll know what's best for you as you keep doing your recovery! (((Hugs)))
Mama the greatest concern my sponsor had was for me and he and others wanted to know if I could follow thru with that suggestion. I could and I did and the hardest time I had was with my alcoholic/addict as I went thru a perception of taking a child/infant out to the middle of a busy intersection during rush hour and laying her there and walking away. That was only metaphoric yet I was raise learning thru pictures; metaphors and I broke out crying for a while at having my "baby" killed because of my inattention. Wasn't/isn't real yet very often I need pictures to get the picture. ((((hugs))))
Lord I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may be witness to those of thy power thy love and thy way of life...may I do thy will always.
This is the third step prayer of AA which I keep with me constantly and it helps me to keep being available to HP and the program...It has never failed to work. Great post ((((hugs)))) I am not such a grand fellow as my avatar which I have named a "fricken chicken".
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LOLOLOL......well that fricken chicken is fricken cute........HAHAAHAHA...after my big battle tonight, I needed this laugh.......now THAT is one colorful rooster.....
I'm not into prayer, but I gotta say, that was a beauty what you quoted above....WOW!!!! touched my heart..I can "feel" your love for that prayer....thank you for sharing it.....HUGS
I eventually grew to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. I couldn't take it any more. Enough. I got to the point where I would be civil, polite, cordial, compassionate, but I could not be a true spouse or partner because she wasn't present. We couldn't connect on a meaningful level. I don't know if this makes sense. This was not what I wanted and could have for the rest of my life. Even when she wasn't drunk, the drinking, the alcohol, just controlled her life, and eventually started to control mine. It started to dictate how we lived...because I allowed it. She allowed it for her, but I didn't have to allow it for me and my life.
I detached. I accepted. I didn't engage. But I couldn't create a world where we could live together and be married like this. She could. She wanted to. And she expected me to do so. But I couldn't. That was just me. I could not be that type of husband. And when I couldn't -- she blamed me. She said I was the problem, I was the one who withdrew, got distanced, pulled back, became a stranger and roommate, and so on. Thus, it was all my fault. But, I had done so much work in al-anon I knew this wasn't true. Just because she said I was a chair, that didn't mean I was in fact a chair. I wasn't.
One thing I became guilty of was giving accolades and reciting her good qualities, and used that so I could justify staying and not leaving. I got to the point -- and I am exaggerating -- that if someone sneezed, and she said "God bless you" then I was ready to give her the Nobel Peace Prize. I rationalized and justified my poor decision making, my unhealthy decisions, and again -- that was just me. That's where I was. I was 40 years old at the time and couldn't live the rest of my life this way. I wanted to get better. I set boundaries and I honored them. She got angrier. And that's OK. I kept doing what was best for me. I explained that if we didn't make some decisions collectively -- about us, our marriage, etc. -- then we would arrive at a point where we as individuals would make decisions individually. We agreed to a 6 month time frame. It worked. Except for one thing. I gave a 6 month time frame 10 times! I stayed for another 5 years. It was miserable, but that was my decision. I didn't want to, but I did. I couldn't bring myself to leave. Finally, after a great deal of work, support, al-anon, Blueprint For Progress, working the steps, and the help, insight, objectivity, love and guidance of my sponsor...I made the decision I wanted to make.
Each person is different. Each situation is different. I found -- for me -- that this program and doing all the work, allowed me to arrive at a point where I was able to make healthy decisions -- based upon intellect, being healthy, from healthy perspectives, and sound, just, quality decisions. Not decisions based upon fear, duress, emotions, stress, anxiety, and being unhealthy.
Keep coming back.