I have been the primary POC for years for my friend's family, friends, etc. where they would come to be for status updates on him, if he was drinking or not, etc. etc. I am done with this. It burdens me so much.
Anyway, today his friend texted me to ask me if he was drinking (he is) and if he was working (he's not, lasted 3 days). I didn't tell him this nor did I corroborate my friend's lies.
Instead I said "I don't mean to be a jerk, but if you want a status update on him, you're going to have to ask him yourself." He was like "Good for you trying to distance yourself from this!"
About five minutes later I get a call from my friend just ripping into me for the stuff I said to his friend saying that I am passive aggressive and he doesn't know how to explain to me how bad it was what I did. I responded angrily at first and then I just hung up, declined his next call, I'm ignoring his crazy drunk texts.
Was what I did wrong? If so, what the f*** am I supposed to do? Just ignore them altogether? Any advice or guidance is welcome.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 12th of July 2017 04:26:10 PM
Jill said
Jul 12, 2017
I don't know about the right and wrong stuff, but my experience started to get better by taking baby steps to change my behavior, those around me reacted like a tsunami. It was as if something didn't feel like the situation they had set up to escape all responsibility for their behavior.
Congrats on listening to yourself saying I don't want to be the info source anymore. I found such support by attending face to face alanon meetings, and I needed support to stand by my decisions.
I also noticed they found someone else to absorb any flack created by their behavior. It wasn't me anymore.
MissM said
Jul 12, 2017
I think, honestly, that this sounds like the sort of thing that would rattle me pre-program and now just makes me roll my eyes. (I mean if/when it happens to me, I'm not disparaging you). Try to imagine someone else is telling you the same story though...would you encourage them to find out how they were at fault, or would you tell them to politely suggest that their "friends" go and be intimate with themselves? As Jill says, when we make these small changes to create better lives for ourselves, (and not being the drama reporter is a huge one- it's so liberating), the people that are used to using us to maintain their illusory world do react very strongly. Like toddlers screaming because you turned off their favourite tv program, lol. They will learn to climb up and turn the tv on all by themselves and they'll forget you were ever even their designated tv operator so, don't fret Well done for making ssuch an important change
-- Edited by MissM on Wednesday 12th of July 2017 04:15:42 PM
Thanks for this. I'm just so confused and messed up and unsure as to what I should be doing. Thank you for replying!
Jerry F said
Jul 12, 2017
Bzz the question "was I wrong" is appropriate here because changing and learning to change is in large part what our recovery is about. If we don't ask we are stuck with the same old behaviors we have done over time expecting different results and that is our definition of insanity. Considering different responses and behaviors than what you have been doing that didn't work or doesn't work is what we learn how to do without letting our emotions and thinking get in the way. That was almost impossible for me to learn and then my sponsorship told me "when you start getting it right you will be doing things different". Rocket science. I had to admit to myself that I didn't know about the disease and didn't know that I didn't know.
Stick around...keep coming back...try something new and ask the fellowship for feedback like you just did and keep reaching out. When it works give it away to someone else and watch it work for them also. ((((hugs))))
shrnp said
Jul 12, 2017
bzz,
You have not done anything wrong. It sounds like the beginning of letting the Alanon program work for you. I was in a similar situation where I became everything to my alcoholic ex-bf. We play many different roles friend, mother, sister, caretaker, it gets exhausting. It reminds me of a snowball rolling down a hill, the responsibilities just keep getting bigger until we put and end to it. It was hard for me to take care of myself never mind someone else who was sick all the time. It takes time to disengage, but in the end it is worth it. One day at a time!
a4l said
Jul 12, 2017
I recall resigning as master of the universe when I came into alanon again. What a bloody relief! Pay was low, conditions crap, lol. Keep coming back, you're on the good track.
DavidG said
Jul 12, 2017
I always say, we have the right to be wrong. I walked on eggshells around a drinker for years.
mamalioness said
Jul 12, 2017
MissM wrote:
I think, honestly, that this sounds like the sort of thing that would rattle me pre-program and now just makes me roll my eyes. (I mean if/when it happens to me, I'm not disparaging you). Try to imagine someone else is telling you the same story though...would you encourage them to find out how they were at fault, or would you tell them to politely suggest that their "friends" go and be intimate with themselves?
-- Edited by MissM on Wednesday 12th of July 2017 04:15:42 PM
LOL "suggest that their friends go and be intimate with themselves?" I can't add anything better to this post.....I would read and re-read what MissM says here.....if your daughter told you this story, what would you tell HER???? would you tell her to stay in this drama or cut it all loose and move on????? just saying....I do hope you keep coming back...this program does really work...
bzz123 said
Jul 13, 2017
If it was my daughter and any of my friends I would be like GTF away from this guy.
Bo said
Jul 13, 2017
Just my feeling, opinion, etc. -- but too many people get hung up on the right and wrong thing. I get it, it's comforting and appropriate to say there is no right or wrong, and I often agree with that. But I think al-anon is a warm, welcoming, and safe place, and I don't see the need to be exclusive, absolute and rigid. So, when people use the right and wrong words -- I see the word police -- and if that's what people choose to do, so be it. I don't choose to do that.
That said, I agree with Jerry. I think it is OK, newcomer or seasoned person, to ask about right and wrong. It doesn't have to mean right and wrong, hence the word police can put their gun back in their holster, LOL. Sometimes we need objectivity. Sometimes our emotions supersede our common sense, logic, and intellect. Sometimes we just need help in whatever way we need it. I think the question is here -- because someone is striving to get better, get healthy, wants it, trying to improve, and like Jerry said, the theme being change, and that is what our recovery is about. Thank you Jerry.
Yes, talk to your sponsor. However, bzz, I think what you did is right, progress, and healthy. If it turns our you change your mind, I don't think what you did then becomes wrong. Regardless, I like what you did. A lot. You are detaching, no longer involved with the drama, status reports, drama, adult game of telephone sobriety, telephone work, and so on. Don't get sucked in. Look at your role -- and you did! You were involved, that was your contribution, and you didn't want it any more. So you changed! And, when your friend called and yelled, and pointed the finger...that doesn't dictate you and your actions. That is not the judge and jury and that is not what decides anything about you. You can easily look at yourself -- no, you weren't being passive aggressive, that was not your intention, not your motive, and you used the word burden. So you were looking to alleviate and eliminate this burden. His recovery is his. And your recovery is yours. Again, I like what you did. A lot. Keep doing it.
bzz123 said
Jul 13, 2017
I am seriously so afraid he is going to kill himself. It tears me apart.
shrnp said
Jul 13, 2017
bzz,
Alanon is based on the AA program, and it is set up so that if you use it as a recovery program it will help you to have more control over your negative thinking. The thing is that some people do not understand that they have to work the program, go to a meeting and start working on the 12 steps. It might seem silly to some people but the first idea is to change what you are thinking about every hour, everyday. We also say a lot of prayers to our higher power, whatever people perceive that to be. The first step is that "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." You have already been working on that step. The next step is, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Have you found any face to face meetings? There is so much support that can be found when you are with other people who have experienced the same thing. There are meetings online here every day at 9:00 am and at 9:00 pm. You do not have to talk or participate, just show up. There are podcast online that many people have found helpful. I hope things get better. If your friend is threatening to harm themselves don't be afraid to call the police and they will make sure that he sees a professional.
((((Bzz)))) Alcoholism is a fatal disease. If not arrested by total abstinence the alcoholic may well go insane and/or die. We don't predict the future about our alcoholics or addicts though I was sure my wire would die from the alcoholism and drug addiction even when HP had other plans which including even teaching me what humility was using my A/A spouse. This is a disease not a moral issue I learned early on so I wasn't being condemned for coming up with choices to a problem I knew nothing about. I can make wrong choices based upon limited awareness of what the problems are and then sit down and listen to those who came before me and learn more and still....continue to exercise my powerlessness over the disease and my qualifier and such, No one here is going to judge you...when we attempt to do that with anyone there are those 3 fingers pointing back at us.
I can be wrong and have often been wrong regarding treatment of my alcoholic/addict wife and others. There are steps for that also. Please keep coming back because HP can and will help you to help us. ((((hugs))))
Mattie said
Jul 13, 2017
Of course I hope he doesn't kill himself (and alcoholics are a lot sturdier than they look) - but if he did, heaven forbid, it wouldn't be because you advised his friend to talk to him directly! Alcoholics sure don't like any little thing in their world to change, especially not other people. Good for you for getting out of the position of being the reporter on his doings. Nobody can predict what the future will be, but if people around him (like you) act with emotional health and minimum enabling, that puts more health into the dynamic, and that has to be good. Now the chance to respond healthily is up to him - you have done your part.
SerenityRUS said
Jul 14, 2017
One thing I have observed when it comes to the threats .. it's not the active A I fear will kill themselves .. it's the sober one. It's the ones who still can't quiet those icky voices in their minds or the demons in their soul. I realize that's not always true and I don't mean to insinuate that is the case .. however .. sometimes it seems that way.
I have been the primary POC for years for my friend's family, friends, etc. where they would come to be for status updates on him, if he was drinking or not, etc. etc. I am done with this. It burdens me so much.
Anyway, today his friend texted me to ask me if he was drinking (he is) and if he was working (he's not, lasted 3 days). I didn't tell him this nor did I corroborate my friend's lies.
Instead I said "I don't mean to be a jerk, but if you want a status update on him, you're going to have to ask him yourself." He was like "Good for you trying to distance yourself from this!"
About five minutes later I get a call from my friend just ripping into me for the stuff I said to his friend saying that I am passive aggressive and he doesn't know how to explain to me how bad it was what I did. I responded angrily at first and then I just hung up, declined his next call, I'm ignoring his crazy drunk texts.
Was what I did wrong? If so, what the f*** am I supposed to do? Just ignore them altogether? Any advice or guidance is welcome.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 12th of July 2017 04:26:10 PM
Congrats on listening to yourself saying I don't want to be the info source anymore. I found such support by attending face to face alanon meetings, and I needed support to stand by my decisions.
I also noticed they found someone else to absorb any flack created by their behavior. It wasn't me anymore.
I think, honestly, that this sounds like the sort of thing that would rattle me pre-program and now just makes me roll my eyes. (I mean if/when it happens to me, I'm not disparaging you). Try to imagine someone else is telling you the same story though...would you encourage them to find out how they were at fault, or would you tell them to politely suggest that their "friends" go and be intimate with themselves?
As Jill says, when we make these small changes to create better lives for ourselves, (and not being the drama reporter is a huge one- it's so liberating), the people that are used to using us to maintain their illusory world do react very strongly. Like toddlers screaming because you turned off their favourite tv program, lol. They will learn to climb up and turn the tv on all by themselves and they'll forget you were ever even their designated tv operator so, don't fret
Well done for making ssuch an important change
-- Edited by MissM on Wednesday 12th of July 2017 04:15:42 PM
Bzz the question "was I wrong" is appropriate here because changing and learning to change is in large part what our recovery is about. If we don't ask we are stuck with the same old behaviors we have done over time expecting different results and that is our definition of insanity. Considering different responses and behaviors than what you have been doing that didn't work or doesn't work is what we learn how to do without letting our emotions and thinking get in the way. That was almost impossible for me to learn and then my sponsorship told me "when you start getting it right you will be doing things different". Rocket science. I had to admit to myself that I didn't know about the disease and didn't know that I didn't know.
Stick around...keep coming back...try something new and ask the fellowship for feedback like you just did and keep reaching out. When it works give it away to someone else and watch it work for them also. ((((hugs))))
You have not done anything wrong. It sounds like the beginning of letting the Alanon program work for you. I was in a similar situation where I became everything to my alcoholic ex-bf. We play many different roles friend, mother, sister, caretaker, it gets exhausting. It reminds me of a snowball rolling down a hill, the responsibilities just keep getting bigger until we put and end to it. It was hard for me to take care of myself never mind someone else who was sick all the time. It takes time to disengage, but in the end it is worth it. One day at a time!
I always say, we have the right to be wrong. I walked on eggshells around a drinker for years.
LOL "suggest that their friends go and be intimate with themselves?" I can't add anything better to this post.....I would read and re-read what MissM says here.....if your daughter told you this story, what would you tell HER???? would you tell her to stay in this drama or cut it all loose and move on????? just saying....I do hope you keep coming back...this program does really work...
That said, I agree with Jerry. I think it is OK, newcomer or seasoned person, to ask about right and wrong. It doesn't have to mean right and wrong, hence the word police can put their gun back in their holster, LOL. Sometimes we need objectivity. Sometimes our emotions supersede our common sense, logic, and intellect. Sometimes we just need help in whatever way we need it. I think the question is here -- because someone is striving to get better, get healthy, wants it, trying to improve, and like Jerry said, the theme being change, and that is what our recovery is about. Thank you Jerry.
Yes, talk to your sponsor. However, bzz, I think what you did is right, progress, and healthy. If it turns our you change your mind, I don't think what you did then becomes wrong. Regardless, I like what you did. A lot. You are detaching, no longer involved with the drama, status reports, drama, adult game of telephone sobriety, telephone work, and so on. Don't get sucked in. Look at your role -- and you did! You were involved, that was your contribution, and you didn't want it any more. So you changed! And, when your friend called and yelled, and pointed the finger...that doesn't dictate you and your actions. That is not the judge and jury and that is not what decides anything about you. You can easily look at yourself -- no, you weren't being passive aggressive, that was not your intention, not your motive, and you used the word burden. So you were looking to alleviate and eliminate this burden. His recovery is his. And your recovery is yours. Again, I like what you did. A lot. Keep doing it.
Alanon is based on the AA program, and it is set up so that if you use it as a recovery program it will help you to have more control over your negative thinking. The thing is that some people do not understand that they have to work the program, go to a meeting and start working on the 12 steps. It might seem silly to some people but the first idea is to change what you are thinking about every hour, everyday. We also say a lot of prayers to our higher power, whatever people perceive that to be. The first step is that "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." You have already been working on that step. The next step is, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Have you found any face to face meetings? There is so much support that can be found when you are with other people who have experienced the same thing. There are meetings online here every day at 9:00 am and at 9:00 pm. You do not have to talk or participate, just show up. There are podcast online that many people have found helpful. I hope things get better. If your friend is threatening to harm themselves don't be afraid to call the police and they will make sure that he sees a professional.
www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
((((Bzz)))) Alcoholism is a fatal disease. If not arrested by total abstinence the alcoholic may well go insane and/or die. We don't predict the future about our alcoholics or addicts though I was sure my wire would die from the alcoholism and drug addiction even when HP had other plans which including even teaching me what humility was using my A/A spouse. This is a disease not a moral issue I learned early on so I wasn't being condemned for coming up with choices to a problem I knew nothing about. I can make wrong choices based upon limited awareness of what the problems are and then sit down and listen to those who came before me and learn more and still....continue to exercise my powerlessness over the disease and my qualifier and such, No one here is going to judge you...when we attempt to do that with anyone there are those 3 fingers pointing back at us.
I can be wrong and have often been wrong regarding treatment of my alcoholic/addict wife and others. There are steps for that also. Please keep coming back because HP can and will help you to help us. ((((hugs))))
Of course I hope he doesn't kill himself (and alcoholics are a lot sturdier than they look) - but if he did, heaven forbid, it wouldn't be because you advised his friend to talk to him directly! Alcoholics sure don't like any little thing in their world to change, especially not other people. Good for you for getting out of the position of being the reporter on his doings. Nobody can predict what the future will be, but if people around him (like you) act with emotional health and minimum enabling, that puts more health into the dynamic, and that has to be good. Now the chance to respond healthily is up to him - you have done your part.
Hugs S