7/12/17 C2C – Encouraging and Understanding the Alcoholic
Enigmatic said
Jul 12, 2017
Today's page reviews Tradition Five and our "...one purpose: to help families of alcoholics...by practicing the 12 Steps of AA ourselves, encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics."
The author found a way to focus on self in recovery while also showing compassion and encouraging those who were suffering from the effects of the disease, including the alcoholic.
Reminder: I can balance sanity and love in relationships. Today I can take care of myself and also care and show support to others.
"If you would be loved, love, and be loveable." - Benjamin Franklin
*******************
Paths to Recovery in ALAnon notes how, upon entering recovery, some may carry with them frustration, anger and resentment toward a qualifier. This tradition is a helpful reminder of the purpose of AlAnon: help the friends and family, and the alcoholic, in the best way I can, starting with working the 12 Steps of AA myself.
I am at my best when I Let it Begin With Me in my recovery, but also remember to be encouraging to members of the fellowship and also to the alcoholic. I came to AlAnon thinking that the alcoholic was the problem. I found out I was the problem.
I am grateful to the program for the direction and guidance in each day of recovery that points me toward what I can do to increase my serenity and show love to others, including the alcoholic
Skorpi said
Jul 12, 2017
Good morning, Paul. Thanks for bringing today's topic.
Beginning with me was a foreign concept to me when I arrived at Alanon, I was fine, it was the alcoholic that was the problem. lol. Through working the 12 steps, I discovered that I had my own problems and challenges, and that I was contributing immensely to my own unhappiness.
Focusing on myself and my own program has really helped, because through my actions, I am able to be an example to new comers about how AlAnon can have a positive impact on their lives, and by taking care of myself first, I find that I have more compassion, understanding, and encouragement to share with others.
I hope you have a lovely day
hotrod said
Jul 12, 2017
Good Morning Paul I love the Traditions and this one is indeed a powerful reminder that alanon is a loving program. It is here, and in each Tradition, that the concepts of the program are defined . I love how the reading points out that encouraging and being kind is another way of being loving to ourselves.
I must note that I need to be careful of my motives in these inter- actions, as i cannot be kind and supportive with a hidden manipulative agenda. Program teaches me to be loving and supportive of all simply because it is the right thing to do and my reward comes from the serenity and wisdom that i develop as the result of these actions.
Love the quote:"Let it begin with me" Thanks for your service
KT2015 said
Jul 12, 2017
Good morning and thank you for your service. The balance that the writer of this entry speaks about was something I found difficult. I came to Al Anon with so much frustration and resentment towards my qualifiers that it was all I could see. As I learned to put the focus on myself I discovered that I contributed to a lot of my misery. As I learned to be more kind and understanding towards myself I was able to extend that to others. Letting go of all of that resentment and blame I put on my AH was a relief for me. I built my AH up with too much power over me. Now I just see him as an imperfect human like the rest of us. I can be compassionate yet not feel the need to get overly involved with solving his problems. I don't have to take his actions personally and I think I live my life as a good example. I have seen my AH adopt some of the tools I have learned and he has seen me use in Al Anon. I don't attend al anon to help him but it seems to have a side effect of helping those around me. I hear my AH use slogans that he must have heard me say like keep it simple, easy does it, and Principles above personalities. He may never find sobriety but our lives are so much more peaceful these days. All because I learned to take better care of me.
Bethany66 said
Jul 12, 2017
Today's reading really resounded with me. I am in the middle of a struggle to find the balance between being kind and being unkind. At times, when I have allowed resentments to flare in my own heart, I find I want to nip at my AH. I have to put my emotional muzzle on and remember that I am not here to be hurtful, but to heal. I know he is suffering. I am grateful for this gentle program that soothes me back to a place of healing and allows me to have compassion for him and in turn help myself.
Iamhere said
Jul 12, 2017
Thanks Paul for the daily and your service.....thanks to all for the ESH above me.
When I arrived, there was nothing gentle about me/my style. I was 'good' and they were the issue/problem. I was full of anger, fear and much more!
My efforts at being kind started with just closing my mouth when I wanted to react or respond. I became aware early on with the help of a great sponsor that much of my reactions/responses were not loving, but rather were grating and controlling....ouch!!!
It took me a while to learn to pause, breathe and then respond as calmly as possible, many times without words - just a nod. As I worked the steps and became more aware of what makes me tick, I saw things I could work on that might help me build more kindness and compassion. It took one of my boys telling me that I was kinder to strangers/new members in recovery than I was to them to drive home my own 'expected standards' - which were hogwash!!
I am quite certain putting that out there was not easy for my child. I am quite certain that my words/actions trying to 'help' and 'cure' him were hurtful even when my intent was vastly different. These words were a game-changer for me and that's the catalyst that keeps me working hard, one day at a time, to be consistent and kind across the board.
Practicing kindness and listening helped me with compassion. I've learned that when I listen to hear instead of to respond, I have more empathy for another's story. I'm grateful how this all shook out for me. I too love, "Let it Begin With Me..." Interfacing with 3 active As daily gives me tons of opportunity to practice our program tools, and this one pops up front often.
My day has gone different than expected - had 2 little guys spend the night, one screaming for a few hours before sleep!!!! I'm so out of practice for having babies who are up in the night! My credit card company called this morning and some shyster tried to charge some 'things' during the middle of the night - had to go through the cancel process and fraud process. And a few hours ago, my son (father of the 2 little guys) asked if the 3 could come stay until Friday as he's broke, out of $$, hungry and needs help - so...I've got guests for the next 2 nights!
Life happens to all of us - I am grateful when I just roll with it as best I can and leave the outcomes to one more powerful than me!!!
MissM said
Jul 12, 2017
I have found that when I began to stop seeing my qualifiers actions as being "against me", and I took steps to stops resentment-causing things from happening, I was able to view them with much more compassion. In turn, many wonderful things about their personalities that I had been missing for years came to light and I find I am able to appreciate those things now. For example, one of my qualifiers likes (well, tends anyway) to call me when drunk to repeat over and over how agonising their life is, and how depressed they are, and how they will kill themself, and also, over and over and over, that I don't understand, I can't understand, and "yeah you can try Mel but you have no idea what this feels like and you never will". Instead of groaning when I see the phone going at 3am and resentfully trying to talk them down from yet another liquid-ledge, and then having to endure the bright and cheery "explanation" the next day (cringing because I feel his shame and its worse than the drunk depression), i can just not talk to him when drunk...at all. Anti-social hour? Don't answer. The result = I have stopped resenting him for those frustrating, heart-wrenching episodes. As such I can be much more appreciative of the funny, clever person that he is when he is sober. I respect him more, I know that is something he craves, and generally I feel much better about the relationship and I am sure he does too because he doesn't feel embarrased by his habit of dumping a world of crap on my shoulders every time he gets plastered.
I guess I'm saying, helping and compassion look a great deal differently to me now than they used to!!
mamalioness said
Jul 12, 2017
This is a nice reminder
My case: daughter--5 plus years clean of cocaine....I encourage the "you know what" out of her when she talks excited about a meeting she got some good ESH on, and the kinds of people she talks/hangs out with, I tell her she is my little "star" for "womaning up" and getting honest and real with herself and getting the help she needed to be on the nice path she is on now....
When she was using, I loved her the same, but had to detach..let her reap what she was sowing...let her hit bottom and MAYBE (which she did when she went to jail) she would get help...I remember her tearful phone calls to me wanting me to help her....I had to say "no...you got yourself in this mess, you gotta learn the lesson being handed to you...." It was the hardest thing a mom can do...let her child reap what she sows...experience the bad karma she made, BUT it was my ONLY hope of her getting her ass into recovery...I was not gonna blow it by enabling her...i did that b4...not since recovery, though and guess what??? loving her does not mean enabling, it means "i'm here WHEN you want to help yourself" and I kept my word....she was going to meets..got sponsor..has tons of workbooks on the steps et al, and she WORKS it...she lives and breathes her program...she cut loose all the drinkers and druggers and teh drama kings and queens out of her life......she really cleaned up her "who is in my life" inventory as I did.....she told me she took a lot of pages out of my book and I am glad I had them to share with her WHEN she was READY to absorb them....
now we talk program and work steps together.....and I am her biggest cheerleader....she tells me I am her hero......i love her and that will never change...but she knows full well that I will not clean up her messes....not anymore....to do that would rob her of the lessons she needs to advance to a healthier and happier girl......to enable them is the biggest disservice we can do for them....it robs them of learning....like my alkie bro, tonight "will you tell J I asked about her???" my reply "you got a phone...YOU call her and YOU do your OWN PR work...I'm not your mommie or your secretary..." and he gulped and said "oh yea, your right" we shall see if he texts her....
not my business......I will help /encourage ANYone who WANTS to help themselves....the ones who are not ready or are on a self destroy trip??? I bless them and cut them loose......don't want to be drained by them....
LexieA said
Jul 19, 2017
If I could learn how to practice compassion to the A after being treated like crap from him, I might advance in this program. It's the anger and resentment that cloud my compassion and coat my heart. Really want I really want is to be able to breathe without having to think about what I should or should not be doing to the A. Most of the time I leave the room or don't say what is floating around my head. My compassion to him is pretending he doesn't exist and he is invisible to me. To even think I have to have some strategy for him being in the the room, this is pretty messed up thinking. I am Constantly battling this disease that has destroyed me and made me into being the monster that needs to change. Yes I need to let go the anxieties and fear that fill me everyday and maybe there would be room for compassion. It is easier for the compassion to seep into my heart for people who are gentle and kind to me. I feel I am kind way too much and I get taken advantage of in situations. The fine line of when to be kind is hard. It is much easier to ignore the presence. I think I am battling the A when I am battling myself. When did I pick up these negative emotions when I was a happy girl. I need to fill my heart with joy, love, patience, gentleness, and compassion. I know I must have had them. Somehow they get squished like a bug. I hope writing it down will release its hold on me. I know there is a good person inside that deserves to have a kind spirit in her life. I just got to keep filling my mind with courage and strength to make it another day. I think I want to be heard and that I matter to someone out in the universe. I need to match my healthy life with a healthy mind. The C2C help me to see that I need to change in order to survive.
Enigmatic said
Jul 19, 2017
Hi Lexie, welcome, and thank you for sharing.
When I first found AlAnon, I was resentful, frustrated, and no longer able to interact with my qualifier at a level that I found acceptable. Step 1 helped me recognize that my life had truly become unmanageable, and my best efforts had proven to be powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic.
I saw the 'Three C's' slogan on the wall at my first meeting, and it had a great impact on me: I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and I can't Control it. Step 2 suggested that I needed help to return to sanity...and indeed I did...I had become someone I no longer liked and respected as I tried to control and deal with the disease my way. The program suggested that I had become as ill as the alcoholic.
AlAnon suggested that I keep the focus off of the alcoholic, and on my own, needed recovery. I learned that my happiness did not need to depend on what anyone else, including the alcoholic, was or was not doing. The program guided to see how my own actions and perspectives were responsible for the pain I was feeling, and make adjustments.
This was not a quick change for me, but by just starting with seeing the Three C's, I started feeling relief. C2C had some very helpful guidance on the topic Resentment, p. 178 one of my favorites, that helped me see how much my negative attitudes were really hurting me, and what I could do to make adjustments.
Hang in there, be patient with yourself, changing long held feelings and perspectives is not an overnight thing. I am grateful for the love and patience of the program for providing the guidance but allowing me the time to find my way. Glad you are here
Lyne said
Jul 19, 2017
Hi all and Lexie-I cannot describe the amount of anger, frustration, resentment, and emotional withdrawal I experienced towards my A as she destroyed our marriage. She treated me like garbage and I took it. I sunk into my own illness of anxiety, depression, and obsession. I lost myself. With each year of Alanon, now 4, I improve and enjoy my life more. There was no quick cure. That completely frustrated me as well. I came in to learn how to fix my A and it ain't gonna happen. I'm trying as best I can, to accept, be compassionate, detach with love, ODAT, etc. The one claw that sticks in my side is that there is tons of help for addiction. My spouse has had 8-9 weeks of sobriety but she is about to blow it. I can't stop her. Let me help myself in the ways Alanon is teaching me. Only by practicing program I can survive, and yes, even be happy. Lyne
Today's page reviews Tradition Five and our "...one purpose: to help families of alcoholics...by practicing the 12 Steps of AA ourselves, encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics."
The author found a way to focus on self in recovery while also showing compassion and encouraging those who were suffering from the effects of the disease, including the alcoholic.
Reminder: I can balance sanity and love in relationships. Today I can take care of myself and also care and show support to others.
"If you would be loved, love, and be loveable." - Benjamin Franklin
*******************
Paths to Recovery in ALAnon notes how, upon entering recovery, some may carry with them frustration, anger and resentment toward a qualifier. This tradition is a helpful reminder of the purpose of AlAnon: help the friends and family, and the alcoholic, in the best way I can, starting with working the 12 Steps of AA myself.
I am at my best when I Let it Begin With Me in my recovery, but also remember to be encouraging to members of the fellowship and also to the alcoholic. I came to AlAnon thinking that the alcoholic was the problem. I found out I was the problem.
I am grateful to the program for the direction and guidance in each day of recovery that points me toward what I can do to increase my serenity and show love to others, including the alcoholic
Beginning with me was a foreign concept to me when I arrived at Alanon, I was fine, it was the alcoholic that was the problem. lol. Through working the 12 steps, I discovered that I had my own problems and challenges, and that I was contributing immensely to my own unhappiness.
Focusing on myself and my own program has really helped, because through my actions, I am able to be an example to new comers about how AlAnon can have a positive impact on their lives, and by taking care of myself first, I find that I have more compassion, understanding, and encouragement to share with others.
I hope you have a lovely day
Good Morning Paul I love the Traditions and this one is indeed a powerful reminder that alanon is a loving program. It is here, and in each Tradition, that the concepts of the program are defined . I love how the reading points out that encouraging and being kind is another way of being loving to ourselves.
I must note that I need to be careful of my motives in these inter- actions, as i cannot be kind and supportive with a hidden manipulative agenda. Program teaches me to be loving and supportive of all simply because it is the right thing to do and my reward comes from the serenity and wisdom that i develop as the result of these actions.
Love the quote:"Let it begin with me" Thanks for your service
When I arrived, there was nothing gentle about me/my style. I was 'good' and they were the issue/problem. I was full of anger, fear and much more!
My efforts at being kind started with just closing my mouth when I wanted to react or respond. I became aware early on with the help of a great sponsor that much of my reactions/responses were not loving, but rather were grating and controlling....ouch!!!
It took me a while to learn to pause, breathe and then respond as calmly as possible, many times without words - just a nod. As I worked the steps and became more aware of what makes me tick, I saw things I could work on that might help me build more kindness and compassion. It took one of my boys telling me that I was kinder to strangers/new members in recovery than I was to them to drive home my own 'expected standards' - which were hogwash!!
I am quite certain putting that out there was not easy for my child. I am quite certain that my words/actions trying to 'help' and 'cure' him were hurtful even when my intent was vastly different. These words were a game-changer for me and that's the catalyst that keeps me working hard, one day at a time, to be consistent and kind across the board.
Practicing kindness and listening helped me with compassion. I've learned that when I listen to hear instead of to respond, I have more empathy for another's story. I'm grateful how this all shook out for me. I too love, "Let it Begin With Me..." Interfacing with 3 active As daily gives me tons of opportunity to practice our program tools, and this one pops up front often.
My day has gone different than expected - had 2 little guys spend the night, one screaming for a few hours before sleep!!!! I'm so out of practice for having babies who are up in the night! My credit card company called this morning and some shyster tried to charge some 'things' during the middle of the night - had to go through the cancel process and fraud process. And a few hours ago, my son (father of the 2 little guys) asked if the 3 could come stay until Friday as he's broke, out of $$, hungry and needs help - so...I've got guests for the next 2 nights!
Life happens to all of us - I am grateful when I just roll with it as best I can and leave the outcomes to one more powerful than me!!!
I guess I'm saying, helping and compassion look a great deal differently to me now than they used to!!
This is a nice reminder
My case: daughter--5 plus years clean of cocaine....I encourage the "you know what" out of her when she talks excited about a meeting she got some good ESH on, and the kinds of people she talks/hangs out with, I tell her she is my little "star" for "womaning up" and getting honest and real with herself and getting the help she needed to be on the nice path she is on now....
When she was using, I loved her the same, but had to detach..let her reap what she was sowing...let her hit bottom and MAYBE (which she did when she went to jail) she would get help...I remember her tearful phone calls to me wanting me to help her....I had to say "no...you got yourself in this mess, you gotta learn the lesson being handed to you...." It was the hardest thing a mom can do...let her child reap what she sows...experience the bad karma she made, BUT it was my ONLY hope of her getting her ass into recovery...I was not gonna blow it by enabling her...i did that b4...not since recovery, though and guess what??? loving her does not mean enabling, it means "i'm here WHEN you want to help yourself" and I kept my word....she was going to meets..got sponsor..has tons of workbooks on the steps et al, and she WORKS it...she lives and breathes her program...she cut loose all the drinkers and druggers and teh drama kings and queens out of her life......she really cleaned up her "who is in my life" inventory as I did.....she told me she took a lot of pages out of my book and I am glad I had them to share with her WHEN she was READY to absorb them....
now we talk program and work steps together.....and I am her biggest cheerleader....she tells me I am her hero......i love her and that will never change...but she knows full well that I will not clean up her messes....not anymore....to do that would rob her of the lessons she needs to advance to a healthier and happier girl......to enable them is the biggest disservice we can do for them....it robs them of learning....like my alkie bro, tonight "will you tell J I asked about her???" my reply "you got a phone...YOU call her and YOU do your OWN PR work...I'm not your mommie or your secretary..." and he gulped and said "oh yea, your right" we shall see if he texts her....
not my business......I will help /encourage ANYone who WANTS to help themselves....the ones who are not ready or are on a self destroy trip??? I bless them and cut them loose......don't want to be drained by them....
When I first found AlAnon, I was resentful, frustrated, and no longer able to interact with my qualifier at a level that I found acceptable. Step 1 helped me recognize that my life had truly become unmanageable, and my best efforts had proven to be powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic.
I saw the 'Three C's' slogan on the wall at my first meeting, and it had a great impact on me: I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and I can't Control it. Step 2 suggested that I needed help to return to sanity...and indeed I did...I had become someone I no longer liked and respected as I tried to control and deal with the disease my way. The program suggested that I had become as ill as the alcoholic.
AlAnon suggested that I keep the focus off of the alcoholic, and on my own, needed recovery. I learned that my happiness did not need to depend on what anyone else, including the alcoholic, was or was not doing. The program guided to see how my own actions and perspectives were responsible for the pain I was feeling, and make adjustments.
This was not a quick change for me, but by just starting with seeing the Three C's, I started feeling relief. C2C had some very helpful guidance on the topic Resentment, p. 178 one of my favorites, that helped me see how much my negative attitudes were really hurting me, and what I could do to make adjustments.
Hang in there, be patient with yourself, changing long held feelings and perspectives is not an overnight thing. I am grateful for the love and patience of the program for providing the guidance but allowing me the time to find my way. Glad you are here