Mother I haven't spoken to in 2 and a half years called tonight
jenmom said
Jul 11, 2017
Little background. My brother was an abusive drug/addict alcoholic who attempted to molest me growing up. She called and made up some story that a child had called her phone and she thought it was one of my boys. I told her it was not them and then she started with the I miss you and the boys. And that she loves us. I told her that was a lie. She does not love us, That love is an action not a feeling. Breaking plans with small children that had been set up for months because a molester wants to come is not okay.She just kept saying.She was sorry I felt that way and she loves me and will always be here for me. She then told me I was talking like a victim. I have been to therapy.She lied to me for a year about going and never did. She said tonight she has been to therapy but her words are all the same as before. No acknowledgement of her actions.Just what she wants.
I tried talking to my husband and it didnt go well.He doesnt get it. He doesnt get my pain and blows it off. I am just upset. I am not upset with my reaction to her.I held my ground. I am just unhappy in general with where I am. I feel unsupported.
shrnp said
Jul 11, 2017
Hi Jen,
Many people that come to Alanon have unresolved issues with family members. I grew up in an alcoholic home it was not an easy thing to do. I had a lot of bad coping skills. I wish Alanon had been more popular then. You can't change your mother but you can try to not have such a bad reaction to her. Alanon can help people learn to let go and let God. Somethings are just out of our hands. It took me years to let go, and I am still working on it, but my life is a lot more peaceful now.
jenmom said
Jul 12, 2017
Thanks, Sharon. I hope I am able to get to the point you are at.
Jerry F said
Jul 12, 2017
k
Aloha Jen...just keep coming back with and open mind and self commitment. If you haven't been to any open Al-Anon Family Group face to face meetings or have Al-Anon literature...make that a priority so that you have additional tools with you to stay away from the swamp with all of the gators that try to snag and drown us. Your life will change for the better as you start to work the program as the winners do. I use to resent that idea when I first arrived at the doors of the program because I took it and all other suggestions to mean that people we saying that I was "Less than" and while in reality I was less than because I didn't have the time and experience that they did I stuck around and followed the suggestions they were offering me. I found out that our program is filled with miracles and that I could have the miracles any time I wanted and worked for them. Keep coming back (((((Hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 12th of July 2017 06:20:08 PM
jenmom said
Jul 12, 2017
Thank You, Jerry!
_bunny_ said
Jul 12, 2017
((jenmom)) I'm so very sorry you're hurting, I want you to know you're not alone and the good news is you can get the support you need by attending meetings and coming to MIP. I can relate, my alcoholic/addict mother is just awful, I could go on for days about the torture, abuse and neglect that I endured, it would make anyone's stomach turn. But, Al-Anon has taught me how to drop the anger, hate and resentment and has given me the gift of true serenity and peace. Today I'm grateful for my qualifiers because they are the instruments that HP used to get me to Al-Anon. Jerry summed it up well, "the program is filled with miracles", it truly is a miracle. I'm sending loving energy your way and you will be in my prayers.
mamalioness said
Jul 12, 2017
shrnp wrote:
Hi Jen, Many people that come to Alanon have unresolved issues with family members. I grew up in an alcoholic home it was not an easy thing to do. I had a lot of bad coping skills. I wish Alanon had been more popular then. You can't change your mother but you can try to not have such a bad reaction to her. Alanon can help people learn to let go and let God. Somethings are just out of our hands. It took me years to let go, and I am still working on it, but my life is a lot more peaceful now.
Amen!!! I remember when I FIRST got into recovery...I told the family members whom I thought I was close enough to to tell and the reason WHY....my now dying from cancer sister went on the attack.....he molested you b/c you were too needy (and she said it was my fault) WHY did't you stop him?? WHY air the family dirty laundry.....oldest brother even went further and said that he was praying I would either die or go crazy so his poor dad would not get "outed" for what he did to me......my response??? I cut them BOTH out of my life, HIM permanent and HER for several years....the rest of the gang, (even the druggie and alkie) took up for ME...they defended me and even gave their support and validation....wow!! surprise that the drinker and drugger stepped up for me...this is why to this day that I still have love and warm feeligns for them and want to at LEAST talk with them at times...
the sister?? when I found out she was really dying....(shes been fighting cancer for 20 years and was on death's door, only to be miraculously *i'm glad* pulled from deaths door and back int life) NOW its real..NOW she is really fading...years of chemo and cancer moving here and there, her body is 73 and exhausted and literally worn out......I could have said "screw her" she wasn't there for me...EVER...so why should I show her anything??? well??? i am in alanon...healthier than ALL of them put together....I reached out to her and said "lets make peace with each other----we just won't go into my recovery....keep it on horses and easy stuff" she was over joyed to hear from me.....in this relationship, I keep the boundaries under lock adn key....NO DISCUSSION about my recovery or the freak who qualified me to be here.....NO going into trigger places....keep it simple...keep it fun...keep it casual....keep it nice...keep it mostly about our mutual love for horses and animals in general.............it is working........I just don't "go into those waters" with her.....ZERO updates about my recovery....in fact, i hardly speak of it to any of my family except maybe my 1st cousin whom I grew up with and whose parents tried to adopt me because #1 they wanted me and #2, they knew something "dark" was going on, even that far back when I was reeeeel young.....so yea, i shut it down when a family member brings up a topic that may equal a put down to me.......i just don't allow it.......and if they can't keep it simple and friendly, I am outta here.....my cell phone has a hang up button I use without regrets...or there is the famous "gotta go...my friend is here" Poof...I am gone.....I don't argue with people like this b/c to me??? its like getting into a peeing contest with a skunk....Useless energy
hang in there...your not alone....family can be a real pain in the butt....AND , to me, family is NOT a carte blanche on my love....love and trust and respect ARE EARNED
Little background. My brother was an abusive drug/addict alcoholic who attempted to molest me growing up. She called and made up some story that a child had called her phone and she thought it was one of my boys. I told her it was not them and then she started with the I miss you and the boys. And that she loves us. I told her that was a lie. She does not love us, That love is an action not a feeling. Breaking plans with small children that had been set up for months because a molester wants to come is not okay.She just kept saying.She was sorry I felt that way and she loves me and will always be here for me. She then told me I was talking like a victim. I have been to therapy.She lied to me for a year about going and never did. She said tonight she has been to therapy but her words are all the same as before. No acknowledgement of her actions.Just what she wants.
I tried talking to my husband and it didnt go well.He doesnt get it. He doesnt get my pain and blows it off. I am just upset. I am not upset with my reaction to her.I held my ground. I am just unhappy in general with where I am. I feel unsupported.
Many people that come to Alanon have unresolved issues with family members. I grew up in an alcoholic home it was not an easy thing to do. I had a lot of bad coping skills. I wish Alanon had been more popular then. You can't change your mother but you can try to not have such a bad reaction to her. Alanon can help people learn to let go and let God. Somethings are just out of our hands. It took me years to let go, and I am still working on it, but my life is a lot more peaceful now.
k
Aloha Jen...just keep coming back with and open mind and self commitment. If you haven't been to any open Al-Anon Family Group face to face meetings or have Al-Anon literature...make that a priority so that you have additional tools with you to stay away from the swamp with all of the gators that try to snag and drown us. Your life will change for the better as you start to work the program as the winners do. I use to resent that idea when I first arrived at the doors of the program because I took it and all other suggestions to mean that people we saying that I was "Less than" and while in reality I was less than because I didn't have the time and experience that they did I stuck around and followed the suggestions they were offering me. I found out that our program is filled with miracles and that I could have the miracles any time I wanted and worked for them. Keep coming back (((((Hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 12th of July 2017 06:20:08 PM
Amen!!! I remember when I FIRST got into recovery...I told the family members whom I thought I was close enough to to tell and the reason WHY....my now dying from cancer sister went on the attack.....he molested you b/c you were too needy (and she said it was my fault) WHY did't you stop him?? WHY air the family dirty laundry.....oldest brother even went further and said that he was praying I would either die or go crazy so his poor dad would not get "outed" for what he did to me......my response??? I cut them BOTH out of my life, HIM permanent and HER for several years....the rest of the gang, (even the druggie and alkie) took up for ME...they defended me and even gave their support and validation....wow!! surprise that the drinker and drugger stepped up for me...this is why to this day that I still have love and warm feeligns for them and want to at LEAST talk with them at times...
the sister?? when I found out she was really dying....(shes been fighting cancer for 20 years and was on death's door, only to be miraculously *i'm glad* pulled from deaths door and back int life) NOW its real..NOW she is really fading...years of chemo and cancer moving here and there, her body is 73 and exhausted and literally worn out......I could have said "screw her" she wasn't there for me...EVER...so why should I show her anything??? well??? i am in alanon...healthier than ALL of them put together....I reached out to her and said "lets make peace with each other----we just won't go into my recovery....keep it on horses and easy stuff" she was over joyed to hear from me.....in this relationship, I keep the boundaries under lock adn key....NO DISCUSSION about my recovery or the freak who qualified me to be here.....NO going into trigger places....keep it simple...keep it fun...keep it casual....keep it nice...keep it mostly about our mutual love for horses and animals in general.............it is working........I just don't "go into those waters" with her.....ZERO updates about my recovery....in fact, i hardly speak of it to any of my family except maybe my 1st cousin whom I grew up with and whose parents tried to adopt me because #1 they wanted me and #2, they knew something "dark" was going on, even that far back when I was reeeeel young.....so yea, i shut it down when a family member brings up a topic that may equal a put down to me.......i just don't allow it.......and if they can't keep it simple and friendly, I am outta here.....my cell phone has a hang up button I use without regrets...or there is the famous "gotta go...my friend is here" Poof...I am gone.....I don't argue with people like this b/c to me??? its like getting into a peeing contest with a skunk....Useless energy
hang in there...your not alone....family can be a real pain in the butt....AND , to me, family is NOT a carte blanche on my love....love and trust and respect ARE EARNED