Went to my x-abfs flat today although he had been drinking. My mistake. I couldn't deal with the situation so I just left pretty soon. He hasn't been eating much, I didn't have money to bring over food. Anyway he kept sending me messeges afterwards and finally wrote something like - bye, this time I'll have the guts to do it. The meaning was clear. I called, he didn't pick up. So I called the police they're on their way there now. Feel like crap.
hotrod said
Jul 11, 2017
Best action that you could take. I have done the same. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way. Please let us know the outcome.
shrnp said
Jul 11, 2017
Aline, I am sorry this has happened to you but you did the right thing. Clearly this is a situation that professionals should handle. I have had my ex-a bf tell me similar things and I called the police to go check on him. We are only humans and most of us have no medical training. You have to remember that alcoholism is progressive and you cannot stop your x-abf from drinking. I found that it did not matter if I was around my ex-abf or not. He was going to drink anyway. Maybe, you can call the police and find out if he was alright and that might make you feel better.
Aline said
Jul 11, 2017
He's OK. I called the police and they said so. Thank you for your support, Betty, shrnp, you helped... I'm grateful it was false alarm... The emotions going through me are an unpleasant jumble. Counted serenity prayer, the three c's and the steps to myself repeatedly, this helps. I know I can't control the drinking, but the thought still creeps up that I am partly to blame cuz I really wasn't on top of my program today when I went to my x-abf today... The wrong things, the old stuff, kept coming out of my mouth... The three c's is good for this... Feel somewhat guilty also for calling the cops, although this was really the most sane thing to do. My old way was lose my mind over something like this, call him 20 times until he would pick up, call his mom and make her lose her wits with worry too, try to reason with him / convince him not to kill himself... There's also this stupid thought that maybe a visit from cops might do him some good... I'm feeling calmer now that I know he's alive. I must say, I handled this situation and my reaction much better than I would have before Alanon, that's good... But this situation definitely made the critical voices in my head get loud and numerous again. I'm working on this... Thanks again for being here for me, this is priceless... Stuffing my face with chocolate waffles now, they're real good, drinking real good earl grey to go with them. I hope this will be the last time he threatens me to kill himself, this is terrible.
hotrod said
Jul 11, 2017
Thanks for the update Aline I am pleased that he is OK. Please know that you took an intelligent action when faced with a frightening situation. Please do not second guess yourself,remember that you took the action and let go of the results.
Recite the serenity prayer and enjoy that Earl Grey tea and the chocolate waffles.
mamalioness said
Jul 11, 2017
Aline wrote:
Went to my x-abfs flat today although he had been drinking. My mistake. I couldn't deal with the situation so I just left pretty soon. He hasn't been eating much, I didn't have money to bring over food. Anyway he kept sending me messeges afterwards and finally wrote something like - bye, this time I'll have the guts to do it. The meaning was clear. I called, he didn't pick up. So I called the police they're on their way there now. Feel like crap.
Best thing you could have done....ANYtime someone threatens suicide, it is to be taken seriously.....usually it is a cry for help, but you don't want to take that chance....I would have done exactly the same thing....and then let him go to his life lessons because this is the start of progression of alcoholism and a life you don't want
please keep coming back so this program and community can encourage you to keep the focus on you and YOUR emotional sobriety....alanon is for you...its free....it has saved my sanity, literally...With recovery, I do what i can to help those who want to help themselves and leave the rest to learn their lessons , sadly, the hard way.....
Hugs of support
Iamhere said
Jul 11, 2017
I too agree that you did the right thing - I learned in recovery that I am no expert on anything and if/when one suggests suicide, I take action. I also understand your feelings....so sorry for what the day brought.
I want to go good job that you realize you were not 'spiritually fit' for the visit. This aligns with our daily today where we discuss that in growing, we often find pain....we need to be gentle with ourselves as nobody expects perfect!! But - that awareness you have can be a catalyst for more acceptance and action (the three A(s)). I too leaned heavily on the 3 C's for a long time - whatever helps you to realize you are growing and recovering!
(((Hugs)))
el-cee said
Jul 11, 2017
I can't stand how this disease tries to take us hostage. Cunning and baffling!! I was a hostage through manipulation or guilt or just plain ego. Also through my own dis-ease. I needed a scapegoat because I was scared to live.
Proper consequences drive change. He got his and maybe you got yours. Maybe you guys keeping in each others lives isn't such a good idea? It wasn't for me. For both of us to fully feel free and move on it had to completely end and we both progressed when we got that honest with ourselves.
mamalioness said
Jul 11, 2017
el-cee wrote:
I can't stand how this disease tries to take us hostage. Cunning and baffling!! I was a hostage through manipulation or guilt or just plain ego. Also through my own dis-ease. I needed a scapegoat because I was scared to live. Proper consequences drive change. He got his and maybe you got yours. Maybe you guys keeping in each others lives isn't such a good idea? It wasn't for me. For both of us to fully feel free and move on it had to completely end and we both progressed when we got that honest with ourselves.
wow, el-cee awesome post...."my own dis-ease" like what is the opposite of ease?? DIS ease....i was needing a scapegoat, too ...fear of living..facing the real me...the hurting me...finally i got tired of empty pain..the kind of grinding, unproductive pain that goes round and round and round....so i finally got honest with me....hence my surrender to the program and its steps, slogans, et al.....
shrnp said
Jul 11, 2017
Glad everything is alright. It sounds like you are really working the program. I had to stop seeing my ex-abf because he would make me so upset. I hope you are having a good night!
Aline said
Jul 12, 2017
Thank you all so much for your support... ((((Hugs)))) Its a new day in my part of the globe, read through your shares, serenity prayer, trying to focus on me again and really let go. Yesterday took a tool, though, woke up in the morning crying about something from my dreams, seems I've been processing the past events in my sleep. I feel a bit under the weather, actually, not yet sure if I really am. The morning is nice and warm, I got my wage late last night, trying to think of the positive things.
shrnp said
Jul 12, 2017
Aline,
These experiences are traumatic and it is very normal to feel shaken up after something like this happens. It is not easy seeing someone you felt love for not eating and drinking a lot. They truly are sick and until they decide they want to get help there is not a lot you can do for them. Praying helps and some of the poems and sayings are great for keeping the attention on ourselves. I printed things out and taped them up around my house.
Recite the serenity prayer and enjoy that Earl Grey tea and the chocolate waffles.
Best thing you could have done....ANYtime someone threatens suicide, it is to be taken seriously.....usually it is a cry for help, but you don't want to take that chance....I would have done exactly the same thing....and then let him go to his life lessons because this is the start of progression of alcoholism and a life you don't want
please keep coming back so this program and community can encourage you to keep the focus on you and YOUR emotional sobriety....alanon is for you...its free....it has saved my sanity, literally...With recovery, I do what i can to help those who want to help themselves and leave the rest to learn their lessons , sadly, the hard way.....
Hugs of support
I want to go good job that you realize you were not 'spiritually fit' for the visit. This aligns with our daily today where we discuss that in growing, we often find pain....we need to be gentle with ourselves as nobody expects perfect!! But - that awareness you have can be a catalyst for more acceptance and action (the three A(s)). I too leaned heavily on the 3 C's for a long time - whatever helps you to realize you are growing and recovering!
(((Hugs)))
wow, el-cee awesome post...."my own dis-ease" like what is the opposite of ease?? DIS ease....i was needing a scapegoat, too ...fear of living..facing the real me...the hurting me...finally i got tired of empty pain..the kind of grinding, unproductive pain that goes round and round and round....so i finally got honest with me....hence my surrender to the program and its steps, slogans, et al.....
These experiences are traumatic and it is very normal to feel shaken up after something like this happens. It is not easy seeing someone you felt love for not eating and drinking a lot. They truly are sick and until they decide they want to get help there is not a lot you can do for them. Praying helps and some of the poems and sayings are great for keeping the attention on ourselves. I printed things out and taped them up around my house.