Im brand new to this...so sorry if I get anything wrong.
My partner has relapsed (after 2 and half months) (seems to be the length he can manage each time) and is now on a bender he left 48 hours ago to go feed his friends cats while they are on holiday and hasnt been home since...from a phone call I got last night hes moved in there (with out their permission) and is on a bender. I know the alnon rules...(oh and Ive broken everyone at some point...especially the 'if you loved me you wouldnt drink' one!!) and Im trying to work them but what do I do now...hes due home an hour ago (he promised on the phone last night he would come home tonight...yeah I know piecrust promises when drunk) if he doesnt come home am I meant to just detach and let it play out? Let him squat in his friends house (they ar so lovely and will be mortified) or do I go get him?...I know the answer but doesnt make it any easier....
Its funny after EVERYTHING the missed Birthday,the canceled events,visiting my parents drunk, embarrassing me, leaving me stranded in the dark in the middle of nowhere, the mia when I went to visit friends,the drink driving, the drunken hit and run (no one was hurt)...this one seems to be my breaking point...my enough is enough, my get some f-ing self respect for myself ...
Sorry for the rant...Im scared and lonley and totally out of my depth...guess I just needed a (non judgmental) friend to talk to...thanks for letting me vent!
Freetime said
Jul 11, 2017
Hi Hope, I hear your frustration and am pleased that you reached out, also that you are familiar with Al-Anon. One slogan that comes to mind is "Easy Does It." Maybe we don't have to react in the moment but can take some time to think about what is the next right step.
I also finally realized that the key to my serenity was to "get some respect for myself." I had to realize that I deserve a peaceful life, and I had to respect myself enough to know that what the alcoholic's actions did not reflect on me (that was hard for me to accept!).
If there is any way to get to an Al-Anon meeting, whether in person or online or telephone, that is what I found helpful when I felt scared, alone and out of my depth.
Hang in there, you are not alone.
Iamhere said
Jul 11, 2017
I too welcome you to MIP Hope - so glad you found us and glad that you reached out. I am sorry for your confusion and pain - the disease is way stronger than we can imagine and is so devastating. I do understand your fear and worry - and like you, I reached out any time, any where - great way to do you, just for today.
I don't know if you have a sponsor or any phone numbers, but this would be a great time to use them. When I am in pain, I often forget that part of recovery is asking for help and allowing others to provide service in sharing their ESH.
I do agree with freetime - you are not responsible for him camping without permission at another's home. I'm reminded during moments of relapse of the three C(s) - I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure it. I am a huge fan of the slogan, "When in Doubt, Don't"....this has kept me from jumping into the middle of other's messes many, many times.
I am another who increases my meetings during moments of stress. It is where I get filled up with wisdom and strength to get through each day when I doubt if I can. You are not alone - keep coming back!
Hope101 said
Jul 12, 2017
Thank you for your wise and kind words....
You are both right...I will look at attending a meeting (there is a few near by over the next few days)...
Thank you for the three c's....it's liberating to realise there is nothing I can do (sad but liberating) and you are right no need to rush into anything...I am slowly working out in my head what I know deep down i need to do for me...(welcome back self respect!....I've missed you)...
Today I went for a lovely long walk on the park with my dogs and my sister in law plus kids...I didnt talk about my partner (who found his way home)...not cause I was avoiding...but because I didn't feel the need to...
I'm still sad, still confused but I don't feel as alone...thank you again for taking the time to talk to me!!
Hope Xx
Iamhere said
Jul 12, 2017
Hope - let us know how the meeting(s) go! I was amazed at how much support I had from the moment I arrived. There is something to be said for being with others who truly understand when we talk about the affects of living with this disease! Keep coming back - there is always hope/help in recovery!!
mamalioness said
Jul 12, 2017
Hope...your name means just that...Hope...Hope in alanon...Hope for the self respect you so deserve if you reeeely want it and reach out to this program and embrace all of its parts....
been where you are (married 2 of them) and done that....when I drug myself into alanon and went to meetings, got a sponsor, worked the steps, practiced the slogans, etc....you couldn't PAY me to be with another drunk...I don't allow alcohol in my home or in my vehicle..I don't go where it is being used....I MAY sip a beer when out to dinner with close friends, but ya know?? when my bestie and sponsor came to see me this April..not ONE ounce of alcohol did we use....just don't need it around me...don't want it....
alanon will help you, show you HOW to keep the focus on you...let him do what hes gotta do....i wold love it when you get to the steps, so you can go way back as a child and figure out WHY you think you gotta live with someone who CAN NOT reciprocate in a healthy, mutual, EQUAL, respectful relationship, Unless he gets into AA and is clean for at least 5 years....serious!!! if he doesn't quit, he will only get worse...that is a "for sure"....sorry you are going through this, but you took your first step tonight, by coming into alanon here....you are not alone...nothing you can share is gonna shock or surprise any of us because we've all been down this path.....please keep coming back...With alanon, there is a Load of HOPE for you, miss Hope....Honest!!!
Bo said
Jul 13, 2017
Hope101 wrote:
Hi...
Im brand new to this...so sorry if I get anything wrong.
My partner has relapsed (after 2 and half months) (seems to be the length he can manage each time) and is now on a bender he left 48 hours ago to go feed his friends cats while they are on holiday and hasnt been home since...from a phone call I got last night hes moved in there (with out their permission) and is on a bender. I know the alnon rules...(oh and Ive broken everyone at some point...especially the 'if you loved me you wouldnt drink' one!!) and Im trying to work them but what do I do now...hes due home an hour ago (he promised on the phone last night he would come home tonight...yeah I know piecrust promises when drunk) if he doesnt come home am I meant to just detach and let it play out? Let him squat in his friends house (they ar so lovely and will be mortified) or do I go get him?...I know the answer but doesnt make it any easier....
Its funny after EVERYTHING the missed Birthday,the canceled events,visiting my parents drunk, embarrassing me, leaving me stranded in the dark in the middle of nowhere, the mia when I went to visit friends,the drink driving, the drunken hit and run (no one was hurt)...this one seems to be my breaking point...my enough is enough, my get some f-ing self respect for myself ...
Sorry for the rant...Im scared and lonley and totally out of my depth...guess I just needed a (non judgmental) friend to talk to...thanks for letting me vent!
Hope, welcome...you are in the right place...a place where many of us have been exactly where you are and have felt exactly what you are feeling. All of it -- being overwhelmed, over our head, lonely, afraid, scared, fear, out of control, and more. Many of us -- especially me -- have "broken all the rules" at some point as well, me personally, many times. Side note -- there are no rules, so don't adopt that attitude/thinking. I know you were just making a point, but don't beat yourself up for what you have done. It's all learning -- and that is part of us getting better.
So, that said, I hope you've hit the point of "enough" so to speak. You will start to change, and start getting better...when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yes, it is the point of enough. As far as getting him, not, etc. -- as you said -- you know the answer. And, it can be easy/easier. Just do it. It will be easy/easier if you say it will be, and it will be hard if you say it will be hard. It is up to you.
Right now, you are so focused on him. You are immersed with him, what he's doing, where he's going, and so on. That's where you begin -- acceptance. Then detaching and letting go. There is nothing you can do about his drinking. HE will ONLY stop WHEN and IF HE WANTS TO. Period. There is nothing you can do -- nothing you can do to make that day happen at all or come about sooner, if it is going to come at all.
Go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work so that YOU can get better and get healthy. You can...and if you want to and commit to doing the work...you will.
Keep coming back.
Hope101 said
Jul 13, 2017
Thank you for all the support....I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply and offer kind words of wisdom....
Thank you!
mamalioness said
Jul 13, 2017
Hope101 wrote:
Thank you for all the support....I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply and offer kind words of wisdom.... Thank you!
You are most welcome..half the battle is seeing whats wrong...accepting the reality of what IS and not what I WISH it would be....and reaching out to get help and support....I think you see both the accepting and seeing adn you have reached out , now for help....just think!! TODAY is the start , can be, of a NEW and happy life for YOU......supporting you and cheering you on
Hi...
Im brand new to this...so sorry if I get anything wrong.
My partner has relapsed (after 2 and half months) (seems to be the length he can manage each time) and is now on a bender he left 48 hours ago to go feed his friends cats while they are on holiday and hasnt been home since...from a phone call I got last night hes moved in there (with out their permission) and is on a bender. I know the alnon rules...(oh and Ive broken everyone at some point...especially the 'if you loved me you wouldnt drink' one!!) and Im trying to work them but what do I do now...hes due home an hour ago (he promised on the phone last night he would come home tonight...yeah I know piecrust promises when drunk) if he doesnt come home am I meant to just detach and let it play out? Let him squat in his friends house (they ar so lovely and will be mortified) or do I go get him?...I know the answer but doesnt make it any easier....
Its funny after EVERYTHING the missed Birthday,the canceled events,visiting my parents drunk, embarrassing me, leaving me stranded in the dark in the middle of nowhere, the mia when I went to visit friends,the drink driving, the drunken hit and run (no one was hurt)...this one seems to be my breaking point...my enough is enough, my get some f-ing self respect for myself ...
Sorry for the rant...Im scared and lonley and totally out of my depth...guess I just needed a (non judgmental) friend to talk to...thanks for letting me vent!
I also finally realized that the key to my serenity was to "get some respect for myself." I had to realize that I deserve a peaceful life, and I had to respect myself enough to know that what the alcoholic's actions did not reflect on me (that was hard for me to accept!).
If there is any way to get to an Al-Anon meeting, whether in person or online or telephone, that is what I found helpful when I felt scared, alone and out of my depth.
Hang in there, you are not alone.
I don't know if you have a sponsor or any phone numbers, but this would be a great time to use them. When I am in pain, I often forget that part of recovery is asking for help and allowing others to provide service in sharing their ESH.
I do agree with freetime - you are not responsible for him camping without permission at another's home. I'm reminded during moments of relapse of the three C(s) - I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure it. I am a huge fan of the slogan, "When in Doubt, Don't"....this has kept me from jumping into the middle of other's messes many, many times.
I am another who increases my meetings during moments of stress. It is where I get filled up with wisdom and strength to get through each day when I doubt if I can. You are not alone - keep coming back!
Hope...your name means just that...Hope...Hope in alanon...Hope for the self respect you so deserve if you reeeely want it and reach out to this program and embrace all of its parts....
been where you are (married 2 of them) and done that....when I drug myself into alanon and went to meetings, got a sponsor, worked the steps, practiced the slogans, etc....you couldn't PAY me to be with another drunk...I don't allow alcohol in my home or in my vehicle..I don't go where it is being used....I MAY sip a beer when out to dinner with close friends, but ya know?? when my bestie and sponsor came to see me this April..not ONE ounce of alcohol did we use....just don't need it around me...don't want it....
alanon will help you, show you HOW to keep the focus on you...let him do what hes gotta do....i wold love it when you get to the steps, so you can go way back as a child and figure out WHY you think you gotta live with someone who CAN NOT reciprocate in a healthy, mutual, EQUAL, respectful relationship, Unless he gets into AA and is clean for at least 5 years....serious!!! if he doesn't quit, he will only get worse...that is a "for sure"....sorry you are going through this, but you took your first step tonight, by coming into alanon here....you are not alone...nothing you can share is gonna shock or surprise any of us because we've all been down this path.....please keep coming back...With alanon, there is a Load of HOPE for you, miss Hope....Honest!!!
Hope, welcome...you are in the right place...a place where many of us have been exactly where you are and have felt exactly what you are feeling. All of it -- being overwhelmed, over our head, lonely, afraid, scared, fear, out of control, and more. Many of us -- especially me -- have "broken all the rules" at some point as well, me personally, many times. Side note -- there are no rules, so don't adopt that attitude/thinking. I know you were just making a point, but don't beat yourself up for what you have done. It's all learning -- and that is part of us getting better.
So, that said, I hope you've hit the point of "enough" so to speak. You will start to change, and start getting better...when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yes, it is the point of enough. As far as getting him, not, etc. -- as you said -- you know the answer. And, it can be easy/easier. Just do it. It will be easy/easier if you say it will be, and it will be hard if you say it will be hard. It is up to you.
Right now, you are so focused on him. You are immersed with him, what he's doing, where he's going, and so on. That's where you begin -- acceptance. Then detaching and letting go. There is nothing you can do about his drinking. HE will ONLY stop WHEN and IF HE WANTS TO. Period. There is nothing you can do -- nothing you can do to make that day happen at all or come about sooner, if it is going to come at all.
Go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work so that YOU can get better and get healthy. You can...and if you want to and commit to doing the work...you will.
Keep coming back.
Thank you!
You are most welcome..half the battle is seeing whats wrong...accepting the reality of what IS and not what I WISH it would be....and reaching out to get help and support....I think you see both the accepting and seeing adn you have reached out , now for help....just think!! TODAY is the start , can be, of a NEW and happy life for YOU......supporting you and cheering you on