My partner has been sober for 17 months now, and works the program very well. We have been together for 6 years, and have recently moved in together with promises made. Now that he is completely focused on himself, he dropped a bombshell and told me he never wants to get married or have kids. I don't know what to do......... I do not know how to be supportive and selfish at the same time.
He never wants to do anything anymore, and I understand that most places are triggers for him. I do suggest fishing, or taking the dog to a dog park, or going to the movies, but he just doesn't want to do anything.
What do I do?????
Mattie said
Jul 11, 2017
I'm sorry you're going through this. And glad you are getting support. It sounds as if, when things settle down, it will be the time to think through whether what is on offer is a good fit for you. Sometimes good people are just not a good fit. If that's the case, it can feel very sad, of course. In my case, I'm afraid I clung on despite clinging not being good for me. In a way I felt like, "I've gone through hell and high water for you, and now you're not even meeting me halfway?? You're not even what I want??" I felt owed for everything I'd endured for the relationship. I was right that I needed someone who could be fully in the relationship with me, and participate fully. Where I went astray was thinking it was him or nothing. But your situation may be different. One important thing is that nothing has to be decided immediately. As the saying is, "More will be revealed."
Hope you will take good care of yourself.
cristina622 said
Jul 11, 2017
Thank you Mattie, if you don't mind me asking, what did you do when you felt that because I feel the same way.
hotrod said
Jul 11, 2017
Welcome Cristina I am pleased that your patner is in AA and pursing recovery. Since alcoholism is a 3 fold disease ,stopping drinking is only the beginning of recovery.
We who live with the disease also need a program of recovery of our own. . Alanon is that program-- Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages.
It was in alanon I was given new tools to live by and a supportive network of friends who understood. In alanon we do not give advise but share our experience, strength and hope in order to solve our common problem.
We suggest that each member place the focus on themselves , live one day at a time, do not judge,gossip or condemn anyone and look inward to see if our needs are being met We learn to re buiid our damaged self esteem and self worth and to say what we man an mean what we say without saying it mean
I urge you to serch out a meeting snd keep coming back here as well
My partner has been sober for 17 months now, and works the program very well. We have been together for 6 years, and have recently moved in together with promises made. Now that he is completely focused on himself, he dropped a bombshell and told me he never wants to get married or have kids. I don't know what to do......... I do not know how to be supportive and selfish at the same time.
He never wants to do anything anymore, and I understand that most places are triggers for him. I do suggest fishing, or taking the dog to a dog park, or going to the movies, but he just doesn't want to do anything.
What do I do?????
I'm sorry you're going through this. And glad you are getting support. It sounds as if, when things settle down, it will be the time to think through whether what is on offer is a good fit for you. Sometimes good people are just not a good fit. If that's the case, it can feel very sad, of course. In my case, I'm afraid I clung on despite clinging not being good for me. In a way I felt like, "I've gone through hell and high water for you, and now you're not even meeting me halfway?? You're not even what I want??" I felt owed for everything I'd endured for the relationship. I was right that I needed someone who could be fully in the relationship with me, and participate fully. Where I went astray was thinking it was him or nothing. But your situation may be different. One important thing is that nothing has to be decided immediately. As the saying is, "More will be revealed."
Hope you will take good care of yourself.
Thank you Mattie, if you don't mind me asking, what did you do when you felt that because I feel the same way.
We who live with the disease also need a program of recovery of our own. . Alanon is that program-- Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages.
It was in alanon I was given new tools to live by and a supportive network of friends who understood. In alanon we do not give advise but share our experience, strength and hope in order to solve our common problem.
We suggest that each member place the focus on themselves , live one day at a time, do not judge,gossip or condemn anyone and look inward to see if our needs are being met We learn to re buiid our damaged self esteem and self worth and to say what we man an mean what we say without saying it mean
I urge you to serch out a meeting snd keep coming back here as well