it has been almost three years with my friend including job loss, relationship loss, family alienation, dui, legal troubles, bankruptcy, zero retirement savings anymore, health issues (obv), 15 detoxes, 30 days inpatient, etc. i never had any experience with addiction ever and i thought i was "doing the right things" and "helping" while i busted through every single boundary you could even think of from letting myself into his home to "find him" and logging into his credit cards and whatever else. i have given him so much money (thousands) and he even has one of my credit cards (it shames me to admit this). i don't even recognize myself anymore. he has been out of work for over two years and applied for like 50 jobs during a brief stint of sobriety (through babysitting) and he finally got one and started last week. he worked three days last week and didn't go today. i am just dying inside. i'm listening to podcasts and reading and all of that, but i am motivated by fear CONSTANTLY. i'm so worried he will kill himself.
Jill said
Jul 10, 2017
Welcome Bzz Alanon is the right place for you. Meetings in person are where I began to find myself after being in a situation similar to yours. It is at meetings I found similar stories to my own (even though I thought I was the only one). I found understanding and self-regard.
You can find meeting information in your telephone book, at libraries and on the web.
There are online meetings here. There's a link at the top of the page.
Keep coming here, read some and find you are not alone. We're just like you.
bzz123 said
Jul 10, 2017
There are so many times that I have wondered what it would have to take for him to pull up and I still don't think he will. So devastating.
Thanks for replying, I will look into meetings. I'd prefer to do them online.
hotrod said
Jul 10, 2017
Welcome BZZ I am sorry you are experiencing such anxiety--- You are definately not alone.
Alcoholism is a dreadful chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless. We who live with the disease develop many negative coping tools in order to survive the insanity.
Alanon meetings offered me my serenity , sanity and self esteem back as I developed new tool to live by and found a supportive network who truly understood. Living one day at a time, focused on myself trusting HP my life improved and I was still able to have compassion and love for the alcoholic . Please keep coming back
Iamhere said
Jul 10, 2017
I too send welcomes out to you BZZ - glad you found us and glad you shared. For me, as already mentioned, Al-Anon gave me the tools to restore my sanity, self-esteem and life. There is hope and help in recovery - please keep coming back!
bzz123 said
Jul 10, 2017
I haven't heard from him since last night (we usually always text or email multiple times a day) and I am so worried about him, but I know he's just drunk and I don't want to get sucked into that.
WestMan said
Jul 10, 2017
Face to face meetings have been very helpful for me. Online is good too but it isn't the same without the people who you can get to know.
mamalioness said
Jul 10, 2017
bzz123 wrote:
I haven't heard from him since last night (we usually always text or email multiple times a day) and I am so worried about him, but I know he's just drunk and I don't want to get sucked into that.
Dear bzz....one thing i noted about me.....when i got into meetings and found a sponsor and began working the steps, not only did I quit obsessing about my alkies /druggies (family members) but I took CARE OF ME.....WElcome to the board, I get how you feel...been there..done that...i broke the ugly , sick cycle of obsessing over another whom I cannot help, not ever, but I CAN and AM saving me....how?? by keeping the focus on me and hanging tight to my program...meets....sponsor (now its a recovery partner) and I post here...i read the literature, work the steps.....you can do it....you KNOW you have to cut him loose and save yourself......as to killing himself....my AH#2 tried that on me...."if you leave , i'll kill myself" somehow they manage to "survive" being kicked to the curb b/c their alcohol means more...they won't die becuz they won't get to drink, then.....my brother "If you stop talking to me, I'll kill myself..you are all I have" I just tell him I am not responsible for his life/death and I am not his maker..not his mommy and hes an ADULT....I am only responsible for me.....I don't want anyone I love to die, but if they take their own life, I KNOW i am not responsible....that is THEIR choice...THEIR doing....THEIR responsibility.....NEVER mine or yours.....so please. don't let any emotional blackmail keep you from life any longer....hang with us...find a meeting....work ALL parts of the program and get yourself free and happy and SANE.........thank you for your honest share and do NOT ever feel ashamed for loving, and giving......you have a good heart...I can see that from what little of you I have read....NOW is the time to set yourself free.....we will support you, but you gotta claim it..reach out for it...commit to it and youself.........take care....
Junenine said
Jul 10, 2017
((bzz123)) welcome and i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. you're in the right place. i can SOOOOO relate... mine has been very similar situation. hope you can get to a meeting because you'll find so much understanding, wisdom, and familiarity there with all the issues addiction brings. all the best and keep coming back.
bzz123 said
Jul 11, 2017
thanks for replying everyone
bzz123 said
Jul 12, 2017
He did ghost on the job that it took him so long to get and now he basically has $1,000 and that is it. I feel so sad that things have gotten this bad. He was calling me last night saying stuff like I just have to die, that's all I can do, blah blah. The burden that this puts on me is so extreme. It makes me so crazy.
Enigmatic said
Jul 12, 2017
Hi bzz, sorry to hear that you are struggling.
I recall when I arrived at AlAnon, I was overwhelmed with worry and concern about my qualifier, and the incessant feeling that it was up to me to fix the situation as my qualifier did not seem to me to be able. I found great relief in ALAnon, answers to my questions about what I could do that was best for my qualifier and relieve some of the pain and insanity in my life.
The guidance I received was incredibly helpful and pointed me toward healthier perspectives and tools than what I had been using. One of those was the Three Cs: I did not Cause it, cannot Control it, and cannot Cure it. I accepted what was apparent after 2 years of my unsuccessful attempts to control my qualifier's drinking and recovery: I am powerless over alcohol and all other things in the life of others.
I hope you give AlAnon a try, as others above have also suggested. I did when I was not happy with how my strategies left me feeling, and I found a better way in the program. I wish you the best whatever your choice
Bo said
Jul 12, 2017
bzz123 wrote:
it has been almost three years with my friend including job loss, relationship loss, family alienation, dui, legal troubles, bankruptcy, zero retirement savings anymore, health issues (obv), 15 detoxes, 30 days inpatient, etc. i never had any experience with addiction ever and i thought i was "doing the right things" and "helping" while i busted through every single boundary you could even think of from letting myself into his home to "find him" and logging into his credit cards and whatever else. i have given him so much money (thousands) and he even has one of my credit cards (it shames me to admit this). i don't even recognize myself anymore. he has been out of work for over two years and applied for like 50 jobs during a brief stint of sobriety (through babysitting) and he finally got one and started last week. he worked three days last week and didn't go today. i am just dying inside. i'm listening to podcasts and reading and all of that, but i am motivated by fear CONSTANTLY. i'm so worried he will kill himself.
Welcome bzz...you are in the right place. I am sorry you are where you are, and that you are struggling so much. Being in the rooms of al-anon, you are not alone. Not at all. Many people have been exactly where you are, and they have gone through it. Find face to face al-anon meetings...and go, often! Find a sponsor, and start meeting/talking to him/her, and start doing what you need to do to get better.
Being a newcomer, you are probably going to read, listen, go to meetings, post/read here, and a lot more. You will hear a lot of "program speak" so to speak, and it might sound good, but you may wonder how to use this in practical application, day to debay, in real life. I often say "focus on you" and a newcomer approached me at a beginners meeting last week and said "what does that actually mean?" -- so, while I explained it, sometimes it's still hard to grasp and truly understand. Why? Much of what you hear may sound counter-intuitive, and the opposite of what you are thinking, feeling, and of what you've been doing.
You might hear a lot of slogans, some cliches, some tools, concepts, etc. Listen to them. Really listen. Understand that there is a method behind what may seem like madness to you. You seem to be more worried about him, than you. Yet, you don't even recognize yourself anymore. Been there, done that. I hear you and I feel for you. It's just that right now, you are "so in it" that you can't really think, behave, make decisions, etc., in a clear, rational way, using intellect and logic. You are the frog in the boiling pot of water. Focus on YOU. Just YOU. There is nothing you can do about him -- his drinking, his situation, etc. You may think you can, but you can't. You may feel the obligation and desire to do so, but that is your unhealthiness and sickness. He will not quit UNLESS and UNTIL he wants to. He will not get better UNLESS and UNTIL he wants to. Everything, in your world right now, in your post, is about him. There, is your problem, your sickness. Unless he starts to feel the consequences of his own decisions, behavior, and actions -- feel them and go through them, on his own, without you -- then he has no reason to stop and no reason to change. This is all up to him. And you are there, in it, with him.
Get to a meeting. Then another. And another. You will find the "answers" there -- maybe not the answers to certain questions you might be asking, but the "solutions" are there. You can...and will...get better...if you want to and if you commit to doing the work necessary. All the best.
bzz123 said
Jul 12, 2017
thank you for this
Bo said
Jul 12, 2017
bzz123 wrote:
I haven't heard from him since last night (we usually always text or email multiple times a day) and I am so worried about him, but I know he's just drunk and I don't want to get sucked into that.
Good...good for YOU, that you don't want to get sucked into that. That's a very good start for YOU. Keep it going.
You can be worried. Just don't let that worry consume you, eat you alive, and prompt you to take action and as you call it "get sucked in" so to speak. You can in fact be there for him -- but in a different, healthy and supportive way; that is healthy for both YOU and him. Now, he may not like it, perhaps because it won't be "enough" for him, or not what he wants, but that's OK. That's the beginning of you getting better, healthy.
My sponsor once said...if the alcoholic/addict in your life is angry at you...then you are probably doing something right! LOL.
it has been almost three years with my friend including job loss, relationship loss, family alienation, dui, legal troubles, bankruptcy, zero retirement savings anymore, health issues (obv), 15 detoxes, 30 days inpatient, etc. i never had any experience with addiction ever and i thought i was "doing the right things" and "helping" while i busted through every single boundary you could even think of from letting myself into his home to "find him" and logging into his credit cards and whatever else. i have given him so much money (thousands) and he even has one of my credit cards (it shames me to admit this). i don't even recognize myself anymore. he has been out of work for over two years and applied for like 50 jobs during a brief stint of sobriety (through babysitting) and he finally got one and started last week. he worked three days last week and didn't go today. i am just dying inside. i'm listening to podcasts and reading and all of that, but i am motivated by fear CONSTANTLY. i'm so worried he will kill himself.
You can find meeting information in your telephone book, at libraries and on the web.
There are online meetings here. There's a link at the top of the page.
Keep coming here, read some and find you are not alone. We're just like you.
Thanks for replying, I will look into meetings. I'd prefer to do them online.
Alcoholism is a dreadful chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless. We who live with the disease develop many negative coping tools in order to survive the insanity.
Alanon meetings offered me my serenity , sanity and self esteem back as I developed new tool to live by and found a supportive network who truly understood. Living one day at a time, focused on myself trusting HP my life improved and I was still able to have compassion and love for the alcoholic . Please keep coming back
Face to face meetings have been very helpful for me. Online is good too but it isn't the same without the people who you can get to know.
Dear bzz....one thing i noted about me.....when i got into meetings and found a sponsor and began working the steps, not only did I quit obsessing about my alkies /druggies (family members) but I took CARE OF ME.....WElcome to the board, I get how you feel...been there..done that...i broke the ugly , sick cycle of obsessing over another whom I cannot help, not ever, but I CAN and AM saving me....how?? by keeping the focus on me and hanging tight to my program...meets....sponsor (now its a recovery partner) and I post here...i read the literature, work the steps.....you can do it....you KNOW you have to cut him loose and save yourself......as to killing himself....my AH#2 tried that on me...."if you leave , i'll kill myself" somehow they manage to "survive" being kicked to the curb b/c their alcohol means more...they won't die becuz they won't get to drink, then.....my brother "If you stop talking to me, I'll kill myself..you are all I have" I just tell him I am not responsible for his life/death and I am not his maker..not his mommy and hes an ADULT....I am only responsible for me.....I don't want anyone I love to die, but if they take their own life, I KNOW i am not responsible....that is THEIR choice...THEIR doing....THEIR responsibility.....NEVER mine or yours.....so please. don't let any emotional blackmail keep you from life any longer....hang with us...find a meeting....work ALL parts of the program and get yourself free and happy and SANE.........thank you for your honest share and do NOT ever feel ashamed for loving, and giving......you have a good heart...I can see that from what little of you I have read....NOW is the time to set yourself free.....we will support you, but you gotta claim it..reach out for it...commit to it and youself.........take care....
((bzz123)) welcome and i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. you're in the right place. i can SOOOOO relate... mine has been very similar situation. hope you can get to a meeting because you'll find so much understanding, wisdom, and familiarity there with all the issues addiction brings. all the best and keep coming back.
I recall when I arrived at AlAnon, I was overwhelmed with worry and concern about my qualifier, and the incessant feeling that it was up to me to fix the situation as my qualifier did not seem to me to be able. I found great relief in ALAnon, answers to my questions about what I could do that was best for my qualifier and relieve some of the pain and insanity in my life.
The guidance I received was incredibly helpful and pointed me toward healthier perspectives and tools than what I had been using. One of those was the Three Cs: I did not Cause it, cannot Control it, and cannot Cure it. I accepted what was apparent after 2 years of my unsuccessful attempts to control my qualifier's drinking and recovery: I am powerless over alcohol and all other things in the life of others.
I hope you give AlAnon a try, as others above have also suggested. I did when I was not happy with how my strategies left me feeling, and I found a better way in the program. I wish you the best whatever your choice
Welcome bzz...you are in the right place. I am sorry you are where you are, and that you are struggling so much. Being in the rooms of al-anon, you are not alone. Not at all. Many people have been exactly where you are, and they have gone through it. Find face to face al-anon meetings...and go, often! Find a sponsor, and start meeting/talking to him/her, and start doing what you need to do to get better.
Being a newcomer, you are probably going to read, listen, go to meetings, post/read here, and a lot more. You will hear a lot of "program speak" so to speak, and it might sound good, but you may wonder how to use this in practical application, day to debay, in real life. I often say "focus on you" and a newcomer approached me at a beginners meeting last week and said "what does that actually mean?" -- so, while I explained it, sometimes it's still hard to grasp and truly understand. Why? Much of what you hear may sound counter-intuitive, and the opposite of what you are thinking, feeling, and of what you've been doing.
You might hear a lot of slogans, some cliches, some tools, concepts, etc. Listen to them. Really listen. Understand that there is a method behind what may seem like madness to you. You seem to be more worried about him, than you. Yet, you don't even recognize yourself anymore. Been there, done that. I hear you and I feel for you. It's just that right now, you are "so in it" that you can't really think, behave, make decisions, etc., in a clear, rational way, using intellect and logic. You are the frog in the boiling pot of water. Focus on YOU. Just YOU. There is nothing you can do about him -- his drinking, his situation, etc. You may think you can, but you can't. You may feel the obligation and desire to do so, but that is your unhealthiness and sickness. He will not quit UNLESS and UNTIL he wants to. He will not get better UNLESS and UNTIL he wants to. Everything, in your world right now, in your post, is about him. There, is your problem, your sickness. Unless he starts to feel the consequences of his own decisions, behavior, and actions -- feel them and go through them, on his own, without you -- then he has no reason to stop and no reason to change. This is all up to him. And you are there, in it, with him.
Get to a meeting. Then another. And another. You will find the "answers" there -- maybe not the answers to certain questions you might be asking, but the "solutions" are there. You can...and will...get better...if you want to and if you commit to doing the work necessary. All the best.
Good...good for YOU, that you don't want to get sucked into that. That's a very good start for YOU. Keep it going.
You can be worried. Just don't let that worry consume you, eat you alive, and prompt you to take action and as you call it "get sucked in" so to speak. You can in fact be there for him -- but in a different, healthy and supportive way; that is healthy for both YOU and him. Now, he may not like it, perhaps because it won't be "enough" for him, or not what he wants, but that's OK. That's the beginning of you getting better, healthy.
My sponsor once said...if the alcoholic/addict in your life is angry at you...then you are probably doing something right! LOL.