So one thing I have been dealing with is the statement that's really none of my business .. I need a good response when I am told that my sig other doesn't like that statement.
He believes as we all have that all aspects of our relationship are mine or his business and the reality is no .. it's not.
My definition of that statement is I have things I need to address and take care of and he has things he needs to address and take care of .. then there is HP's business and I do not want to be involved in that .. LOL. While I do choose to be transparent in our relationship I also choose to keep my life simplified as well and I do feel like he's pulling me into things that I shouldn't be involved with.
Am I incorrect in that definition or is it pretty simplified on what it is?
TIA, hugs S :)
hotrod said
Jul 10, 2017
I only have experience with my partner of 30 years who has 2 grown children as well as an ex wife I define my business as any action or thing that directly involves my life or me. His business as his concerns for his daughters or ex.I must also remember that everyone has different ideas on the subject and I that Imay need to negotiate.
In your case Serenity I would imageg that anything involving the children would be both parents business.
Keeping it simple is not simple:?
SerenityRUS said
Jul 10, 2017
The kids are grown and his involvement with his X at this point is starting to directly affect me .. she's honestly not ok .. we are talking crazy train x worse than my X because there are no boundaries. It's now come down to nasty comments being made about me which are none of my business and I would prefer he kept those to himself. I have stated that .. however it's like being involved with an addict .. so some of my boundaries are .. when we are focused on each other vs being focused on her or her calling/texting staring at his phone. I will leave and have sent a clear message by removing myself from the situation before .. so he understands no .. this is not ok with me. There is zero productive about the conversations .. they are divorced and the things she says about him are awful .. it's a mute point .. it's at this point in the past and I don't wish to be subjected to someone else's abuse .. so in my opinion not his issue.
He pays his support (it's maintenance) on time every two weeks no fuss no muss .. I guess I'm really questioning if he's done .. again .. kind of like the addict .. in my mind he's going back out for his drama fix. We had this discussion this weekend as to why does he feel the need to take the calls and invoke the drama. I'm kind of coming to the end of all of this and he's wanting to move forward in the relationship .. honestly .. I don't know .. I think I'm willing to invest another few months see where we are at and if things are still the same say .. I care a great deal for you and I'm unwilling to settle in a tug of war with someone I don't even know. I am the most independent woman he's ever dated without question and probably the most shocking for him.
I have stayed out of his stuff with the X unless it affects me and I pointed out I am not asking him to be involved with my crap with my X I expect the same courtesy. His stuff he deals. He doesn't want to deal .. LOL. I get it she's a hot mess.
Anyway .. I think I need to negotiate and figure out for me what I need and if he can give it because I do not expect him to meet all of my needs at the same time I want more than I had with my XAH and I do not want to be settled for .. that's probably my bigger issue.
Thanks for the feed back .. I'm really going to pray about this and see where I am at.
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
Jul 10, 2017
Hey Serenity I agree with you 100%. This does sound like too much drama since this is the ex and you do not seek his support when dealing with your ex.
Take care of yourself you are worth it
Iamhere said
Jul 10, 2017
Oh girl.....so very, very sorry for what's going on. I do agree with what Betty says - 'sharing & caring' have a different meaning for each person I encounter, so a negotiation does seem to help. I believe we are similar in many ways, and my all-time favorite line is, "I've had enough drama and chaos to last a lifetime....I no longer do it."
Those who bring it to me will hear that line and pretty much know it. My son and his baby momma have a ton of drama and I've basically just said, "I want to be Switzerland so the babies have a calm place to visit." It makes me crazy to consider they might both be in earshot of some of what's going on....but then I just do as you do - pray about it.
I have stepped away from some friendships because of the perpetual stress brought about by drama/chaos. I don't like gossip at all and believe in making peace always/often. I will say that when I met my AH, I was you (he had an X who's crazy). I just ignored her and so did my AH. When the first grandchild was born, my AH was out of town so I went to the hospital, sat with this woman for hours on end and it turned out fine. She realized really quickly that we are very different and I am no wall-flower! I did bring snacks/drinks/food with me and that helped - I always go places with food cuz I'm a snacker and I'm always willing to share.
I don't know how long they were married or how long they've been split, but I've heard it takes 1 year for every 2 to 'heal'....not sure how this works when one is crazier than the other - just sayin. I do know that my 3 guys who I love to the moon and back perceive slogans from program as annoying. They don't understand them and see them as flippant. If I instead explain my boundary with I statements, it works much better.
(((Hugs))) - more will be revealed!
a4l said
Jul 10, 2017
I wouldn't be cool with being told what an ex has to say. It does sound like drama addiction on his part and really, not only are you independent, you're also wise and mature emotionally.
Sending warm thoughts, you'll work out what's right and good for you.
Jerry F said
Jul 10, 2017
During the higher power lessons regarding choices in Al-Anon my then sponsor, Don't taught me to "choose the consequence I want first before making the choice". Right!! I had been living with reaction up until that time, "make the choice, any choice and then see how things come out". I got reaction and drama ....lots of it and much of it sickening mine. The new lesson seemed kinda sorta more sane and rational and took a bit more think it thru time and then practice and then IT WORKED!! The slogan that came with the package was "Don't React"!! I use all of my senses within this lesson and I ask questions also from others to reduce the guessing function down as much as possible and then I mind my business. ((((great shares and feedback))))
In the end the consequences are yours...you own them. You can pat your back or kick your backside. LOL
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 10th of July 2017 06:04:28 PM
WestMan said
Jul 10, 2017
Serenity in regards to your original topic it sounds to me like you're being perfectly clear. Did I understand that you are walking away when he doesn't stop airing his laundry with you? Seems appropriate. Maybe let him know that if he doesn't stop you are going to walk away. Then when it happens he will immediately know why.
SerenityRUS said
Jul 11, 2017
Thank you for the support you have NO idea how much I appreciate it because sometimes I do wonder am I making a molehill out of a mountain or a mountain out of a mole hill and sometimes I really have to check my motives and what I am doing. Is this about control? Fear? Anger? Where am I coming from.
The drama addiction runs HIGH .. both sides and the dysfunction is awful from my observation .. think of my X on steroids .. LOL and then me being beat down x 1000%. They were married a LONG time and I went in knowing that this was going to be an issue based up on the fact of what I have been through in my own split. There needed to be more healing time for him. He's come a LONG ways and maybe that's my part in this being a very small guidance in what a "real healthy" relationship looks like. I don't know. There's was drama and then MUCH faster ending than mine was which is a good thing. I do what Jerry talked about in reacting I kick my own backside .. LOL .. so not a fun place and sometimes it HURTS!!!
This has come into play when it's our time .. we have been out to dinner, just trying to have some family time with the kids and this stuff just starts and he has not been able to detach himself enough to say NO. This is also a person (his ex) who refuses to hear what is being said. So my feeling all along has been there is no need to be hateful or cruel however .. good grief .. ENOUGH. I came to that point myself on Friday. And yes .. I have removed myself from dinner based upon the fact that no .. I am a person of value and worth .. I deserve someone who wants to invest time into ME. If he can't meet that need on any level .. yah .. I don't need or want that in my life .. I deserve someone who we are on the same playing field. He has amazing wonderful qualities .. I have found my voice with him .. I have found a whole lot more confidence .. I have also found that I can communicate clearly and effectively without getting caught up in past tapes. I have found out I can be vulnerable and the world will not end. I just don't know if he's done with the past and it is that old alanon saying of when the past keeps crashing into the present it screws up the future .. LOL .. I don't think that's alanon .. I think that is my wise sponsor who I miss .. sigh. Is he done. Only he can answer that and I'm trying to give him space to figure that out and let him do him while I continue to work on me. I will give him so much credit he is a whole LOT better than he was 9 months ago and he continues to grow. So very positive stuff.
He made a decision on his own that shocked me .. for the first time he physically detached from the situation and you have NO idea how HUGE that is .. LOL. He blocked her for multiple hours almost a couple of days even and that was HUGE. When he unblocked her they had a discussion and my understanding is that he handled his business. He has changed a great deal in the past 9 months and most of that I'm sure has to do with our relationship and what my boundaries are and how I interact with not just him however how he observes I interact with my own children. He sees the difference .. I think it boils down to does he believe he has a right to be happy. I know I do.
So progress not perfection .. I think what I am currently learning is appropriate limits of time and effort. I am not in this relationship alone. I have to decide if I am in or out. I also have to look at this is not going to go away either. So what do I want .. none of this I need to decide today which thank goodness on that one .. LOL!!
hotrod said
Jul 11, 2017
Great follow up Serenity. Sounds as if you re carrying the message by " Practicing these principles in all your affairs. Keep on keeping on.
So one thing I have been dealing with is the statement that's really none of my business .. I need a good response when I am told that my sig other doesn't like that statement.
He believes as we all have that all aspects of our relationship are mine or his business and the reality is no .. it's not.
My definition of that statement is I have things I need to address and take care of and he has things he needs to address and take care of .. then there is HP's business and I do not want to be involved in that .. LOL. While I do choose to be transparent in our relationship I also choose to keep my life simplified as well and I do feel like he's pulling me into things that I shouldn't be involved with.
Am I incorrect in that definition or is it pretty simplified on what it is?
TIA, hugs S :)
In your case Serenity I would imageg that anything involving the children would be both parents business.
Keeping it simple is not simple:?
He pays his support (it's maintenance) on time every two weeks no fuss no muss .. I guess I'm really questioning if he's done .. again .. kind of like the addict .. in my mind he's going back out for his drama fix. We had this discussion this weekend as to why does he feel the need to take the calls and invoke the drama. I'm kind of coming to the end of all of this and he's wanting to move forward in the relationship .. honestly .. I don't know .. I think I'm willing to invest another few months see where we are at and if things are still the same say .. I care a great deal for you and I'm unwilling to settle in a tug of war with someone I don't even know. I am the most independent woman he's ever dated without question and probably the most shocking for him.
I have stayed out of his stuff with the X unless it affects me and I pointed out I am not asking him to be involved with my crap with my X I expect the same courtesy. His stuff he deals. He doesn't want to deal .. LOL. I get it she's a hot mess.
Anyway .. I think I need to negotiate and figure out for me what I need and if he can give it because I do not expect him to meet all of my needs at the same time I want more than I had with my XAH and I do not want to be settled for .. that's probably my bigger issue.
Thanks for the feed back .. I'm really going to pray about this and see where I am at.
Hugs S :)
Take care of yourself you are worth it
Those who bring it to me will hear that line and pretty much know it. My son and his baby momma have a ton of drama and I've basically just said, "I want to be Switzerland so the babies have a calm place to visit." It makes me crazy to consider they might both be in earshot of some of what's going on....but then I just do as you do - pray about it.
I have stepped away from some friendships because of the perpetual stress brought about by drama/chaos. I don't like gossip at all and believe in making peace always/often. I will say that when I met my AH, I was you (he had an X who's crazy). I just ignored her and so did my AH. When the first grandchild was born, my AH was out of town so I went to the hospital, sat with this woman for hours on end and it turned out fine. She realized really quickly that we are very different and I am no wall-flower! I did bring snacks/drinks/food with me and that helped - I always go places with food cuz I'm a snacker and I'm always willing to share.
I don't know how long they were married or how long they've been split, but I've heard it takes 1 year for every 2 to 'heal'....not sure how this works when one is crazier than the other - just sayin. I do know that my 3 guys who I love to the moon and back perceive slogans from program as annoying. They don't understand them and see them as flippant. If I instead explain my boundary with I statements, it works much better.
(((Hugs))) - more will be revealed!
Sending warm thoughts, you'll work out what's right and good for you.
During the higher power lessons regarding choices in Al-Anon my then sponsor, Don't taught me to "choose the consequence I want first before making the choice". Right!! I had been living with reaction up until that time, "make the choice, any choice and then see how things come out". I got reaction and drama ....lots of it and much of it sickening mine. The new lesson seemed kinda sorta more sane and rational and took a bit more think it thru time and then practice and then IT WORKED!! The slogan that came with the package was "Don't React"!! I use all of my senses within this lesson and I ask questions also from others to reduce the guessing function down as much as possible and then I mind my business. ((((great shares and feedback))))
In the end the consequences are yours...you own them. You can pat your back or kick your backside. LOL
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 10th of July 2017 06:04:28 PM
Serenity in regards to your original topic it sounds to me like you're being perfectly clear. Did I understand that you are walking away when he doesn't stop airing his laundry with you? Seems appropriate. Maybe let him know that if he doesn't stop you are going to walk away. Then when it happens he will immediately know why.
The drama addiction runs HIGH .. both sides and the dysfunction is awful from my observation .. think of my X on steroids .. LOL and then me being beat down x 1000%. They were married a LONG time and I went in knowing that this was going to be an issue based up on the fact of what I have been through in my own split. There needed to be more healing time for him. He's come a LONG ways and maybe that's my part in this being a very small guidance in what a "real healthy" relationship looks like. I don't know. There's was drama and then MUCH faster ending than mine was which is a good thing. I do what Jerry talked about in reacting I kick my own backside .. LOL .. so not a fun place and sometimes it HURTS!!!
This has come into play when it's our time .. we have been out to dinner, just trying to have some family time with the kids and this stuff just starts and he has not been able to detach himself enough to say NO. This is also a person (his ex) who refuses to hear what is being said. So my feeling all along has been there is no need to be hateful or cruel however .. good grief .. ENOUGH. I came to that point myself on Friday. And yes .. I have removed myself from dinner based upon the fact that no .. I am a person of value and worth .. I deserve someone who wants to invest time into ME. If he can't meet that need on any level .. yah .. I don't need or want that in my life .. I deserve someone who we are on the same playing field. He has amazing wonderful qualities .. I have found my voice with him .. I have found a whole lot more confidence .. I have also found that I can communicate clearly and effectively without getting caught up in past tapes. I have found out I can be vulnerable and the world will not end. I just don't know if he's done with the past and it is that old alanon saying of when the past keeps crashing into the present it screws up the future .. LOL .. I don't think that's alanon .. I think that is my wise sponsor who I miss .. sigh. Is he done. Only he can answer that and I'm trying to give him space to figure that out and let him do him while I continue to work on me. I will give him so much credit he is a whole LOT better than he was 9 months ago and he continues to grow. So very positive stuff.
He made a decision on his own that shocked me .. for the first time he physically detached from the situation and you have NO idea how HUGE that is .. LOL. He blocked her for multiple hours almost a couple of days even and that was HUGE. When he unblocked her they had a discussion and my understanding is that he handled his business. He has changed a great deal in the past 9 months and most of that I'm sure has to do with our relationship and what my boundaries are and how I interact with not just him however how he observes I interact with my own children. He sees the difference .. I think it boils down to does he believe he has a right to be happy. I know I do.
So progress not perfection .. I think what I am currently learning is appropriate limits of time and effort. I am not in this relationship alone. I have to decide if I am in or out. I also have to look at this is not going to go away either. So what do I want .. none of this I need to decide today which thank goodness on that one .. LOL!!