I've been living with a highly functioning alcoholic for over 25 years. Some days are better than others. I've recently starting seeing a wonderful therapist who often encourages me to attend an Al-Anon meeting. With the help of a therapist, I've started communicating with my adult children about the elephant in the room. She helped me to see, that my kids know what's going on and that I can't hide it from them. The drinking abuse has gone on for so long, that I've always tried to cover it up, thinking my kids wouldn't recognize that there dad is an alcoholic - because we didn't say it, maybe it wasn't true. I've spent so many years making excuses for his behavior and the episodes of verbal abuse, that I failed to recognize the toll it was taking on my now adult children. It's heartbreaking to see so many of mine and his shortcomings in my children. I struggle everyday with fear that my they are already becoming alcoholics. I feel like a failure and that I've should have left a long time ago. That I should have prevented them from seeing this cycle of addition and left.
I've come to a crossroads in my life and don't know if I should stay or go? I'm afraid that my leaving will screw up my kids lives more that I already have. I have 3 kids, ages 28, 25, 21. The oldest has moved out and has a good job, his own house, a new girlfriend, and is currently abusing alcohol on a regular basis. I know the writing is on the wall for him. My 2 other kids still live at home have the same love/hate relationship that I have with their dad. When he's good, he's great, but when he's bad he's horrible. He's caused embarrassment, said horrible things, and can be downright nasty. My 2 kids at home have accepted he is an alcoholic. The older one cannot admit it because he is so much like him. I'm so afraid if I leave, that they will be not be able to handle it, but in the next breathe when they see him drunk all the time, it can't be good either.
Yesterday my husband told me he drank over 21 beers the day before. I asked if everything was alright as he seemed to be hitting them pretty hard lately, which he attributes to stress. He is constantly on a roller coaster with his drinking. This past spring he committed to only drinking on the weekends and was coming to the gym with me every week it was great. That was his atonement for giving up beer for 40 days during Easter Lent and drinking Jameson instead. His latest binge has been these past 7 weeks (I know I'm not supposed to be counting) he's been drinking every day after work, at least 10 or 12 during the week and probably double that on the weekends. He still gets up and goes to work everyday. He works like an animal at work and at home. The booze is starting to take a toll on him, he wakes up every morning still smelling like the booze from the night before. He's very proud of his drinking habit and boasts about it to his friends at work and anyone who cares to listen. He was physically abused as a child growing up - which I think attributes to his drinking.
I love him, we've been together since we were 19 and we both 50 now. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm just going through the motions. I just don't know if I should stay for the sake of my kids or leave for the sake of them.
I'm thinking about attending an in person meeting tonight. Do I tell him I'm going to go to a meeting and have it cause an argument? do I lie and say I'm going to the gym?
Please help
Forever hopelessOne
SerenityRUS said
Jul 10, 2017
Hugs ..
It is ok to just go to a meeting ... I don't advocate lying however I knew other women who could not tell their A's that they were going to an alanon meeting because there was sever repercussions. My XAH became very resentful of the Alanon meetings.
I attended open AA meetings and my response was I was meeting a group for coffee and for me that was a true statement .. we certainly drank a LOT of coffee .. LOL. It was fellowship and what I needed at the time to have a better understanding of what I was dealing with. My XAH did not know about these meetings for almost a year.
Attend a meeting .. it's not like you have to make life altering choices today .. it's ok to take your time and start healing.
Alanon meetings are a great place to realize you are not alone and so many stories are similar to what you are dealing with .. just keep coming back. No one will force a choice .. no one will tell you what you should or shouldn't do .. it's really up to you.
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
Jul 10, 2017
Welcome hopeless one, good news-- There is hope and help available
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Living with this disease causes many of us to develop negative coping tools that rob us of our self-esteem and self-worth.
Al-Anon is a recovery program established for family members to help develop new constructive tools to live by and to restore self-esteem and the ability to successfully live life on life's terms. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white.
I know that I resisted reaching out for help for myself but once I did. I was so glad to have found this fantastic organization. I do hope you avail yourself of the support. You many are fearful of sharing that they are attending a meetings so that they make up a story- It is best to be honest and explain what you are doing and that alanon's focus is on you and offers new tools to live by
Please do keep coming back here and share the journey.
Aline said
Jul 10, 2017
Hi, I'm glad you want to attend a meeting. I can't really say whether to tell your H you're going or not. I know I postponed going to my first meeting (already knowing I want to go) for about a month, my biggest fear was how would my abf react... When I finally did go, I told him I would, and he was pretty mad at me, but I just knew I need help so I went, I'm so grateful I did. My fear of his reaction was overblown out of proportion, but that's just my experience. When I finally came to my first meeting, I shared in a general way what situation had brought me there, and at the end of the meeting I cried. After hearing some of the others' stories I understood that these people understand what I'm going through and I didn't have to hide my true feelings and thoughts with them. About what to do - stay or leave - I suggest to start coming to the meetings, reading some Alanon literature, start to work with the program and get better. The tools the program provides will help you decide what to do in time. They did for me, and its great that no one ever told me what to do, but shared their experience, strength and hope, ESH for short, through which we in Alanon learn from others. (((Hugs))). Keep coming back
WestMan said
Jul 10, 2017
There is nothing wrong with not telling him anything or even telling a lie if the truth is going to bring you harm.
Iamhere said
Jul 10, 2017
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. What I realized in my own life was I was very responsible and accountable and always shared with my AH and my A Sons when I had plans....well - guess what? That wasn't necessarily how they lived so they would up and depart and not say a word about where they were headed. Maybe out for the night, maybe to the store, maybe to get gas for the mower - they just did not value that in the same way I did - it was how I was raised....but not how my AH was raised. And - my sons of course do what is easiest and just roll that way.
There is no longer a requirement in my home for me to tell anyone where I'm going or what I'm doing unless I feel compelled to do so. I set myself free. I will say I am going to a meeting or an appointment if asked, but they don't drill down and that's alright with me.
Each home, family, situation is different - you get to decide when, who, what, etc. you share with. You are welcome at meetings whether your 'person' is in recovery or not. I was exactly where you are except I have 2 boys and they both are A(s) - started very young and it's been a rough road. Al-Anon gave me the tools to make decisions for myself, my life, my family and my marriage, one day at a time!
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery...
mamalioness said
Jul 10, 2017
WestMan wrote:
There is nothing wrong with not telling him anything or even telling a lie if the truth is going to bring you harm.
agree....if your safety and mental healh is at risk (more abuse) then its none of his business what you do or where you go.....I would go to meeting....Even tho I would not stay with an active, especially abusive, alcoholic, that is your choice to stay or go.....you mention the kids....they have already been damaged by his drinking, MAYBE if a friend of mine had left my abusive, druggie brother, she would not be so screwed up and her daughter either....staying with my druggie bro, not only messed up this nice lady, but her kid as well....She finally left him...got into alanon...got her kid into meetings and they are both on the road to reclaiming their lives...once in a while, I hear from them on facebook, and it seems they are headed to a much better life.......the one thing I regret is marrying AH#1 and exposing my daughter to him....he was abusive to me...horrid to me...my girl was just out of HS and she didn't want to be around him...she was dating HER druggie (which I did not know at the time) adn she got pregnant and married him....my grandaughter was impacted by this behavior but thank goodness she is in AA herself as she started abusing alcohol when in late teens
the cycle goes on and on and on and on.....I want the buck to stop with me.....i got into alanon...my daughter had to go to JAIL but decided that it was now or never re: life....then her daughter who was abusing alcohol, drug HERSELF into AA....I woudl like to think my setting an example with alanon, going, steadily and the kids seeing how healthy and happier I was becoming, I KNOW that had an influence on them because They TOLD me it did....both are doing great.....
this disease can be stopped..the cycle broken, if the older ones get into alanon and set the example......I am just sharing what I, personally experienced....this cycle CAN be stopped, LET it begin with ME.......
I've been living with a highly functioning alcoholic for over 25 years. Some days are better than others. I've recently starting seeing a wonderful therapist who often encourages me to attend an Al-Anon meeting. With the help of a therapist, I've started communicating with my adult children about the elephant in the room. She helped me to see, that my kids know what's going on and that I can't hide it from them. The drinking abuse has gone on for so long, that I've always tried to cover it up, thinking my kids wouldn't recognize that there dad is an alcoholic - because we didn't say it, maybe it wasn't true. I've spent so many years making excuses for his behavior and the episodes of verbal abuse, that I failed to recognize the toll it was taking on my now adult children. It's heartbreaking to see so many of mine and his shortcomings in my children. I struggle everyday with fear that my they are already becoming alcoholics. I feel like a failure and that I've should have left a long time ago. That I should have prevented them from seeing this cycle of addition and left.
I've come to a crossroads in my life and don't know if I should stay or go? I'm afraid that my leaving will screw up my kids lives more that I already have. I have 3 kids, ages 28, 25, 21. The oldest has moved out and has a good job, his own house, a new girlfriend, and is currently abusing alcohol on a regular basis. I know the writing is on the wall for him. My 2 other kids still live at home have the same love/hate relationship that I have with their dad. When he's good, he's great, but when he's bad he's horrible. He's caused embarrassment, said horrible things, and can be downright nasty. My 2 kids at home have accepted he is an alcoholic. The older one cannot admit it because he is so much like him. I'm so afraid if I leave, that they will be not be able to handle it, but in the next breathe when they see him drunk all the time, it can't be good either.
Yesterday my husband told me he drank over 21 beers the day before. I asked if everything was alright as he seemed to be hitting them pretty hard lately, which he attributes to stress. He is constantly on a roller coaster with his drinking. This past spring he committed to only drinking on the weekends and was coming to the gym with me every week it was great. That was his atonement for giving up beer for 40 days during Easter Lent and drinking Jameson instead. His latest binge has been these past 7 weeks (I know I'm not supposed to be counting) he's been drinking every day after work, at least 10 or 12 during the week and probably double that on the weekends. He still gets up and goes to work everyday. He works like an animal at work and at home. The booze is starting to take a toll on him, he wakes up every morning still smelling like the booze from the night before. He's very proud of his drinking habit and boasts about it to his friends at work and anyone who cares to listen. He was physically abused as a child growing up - which I think attributes to his drinking.
I love him, we've been together since we were 19 and we both 50 now. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm just going through the motions. I just don't know if I should stay for the sake of my kids or leave for the sake of them.
I'm thinking about attending an in person meeting tonight. Do I tell him I'm going to go to a meeting and have it cause an argument? do I lie and say I'm going to the gym?
Please help
Forever hopelessOne
It is ok to just go to a meeting ... I don't advocate lying however I knew other women who could not tell their A's that they were going to an alanon meeting because there was sever repercussions. My XAH became very resentful of the Alanon meetings.
I attended open AA meetings and my response was I was meeting a group for coffee and for me that was a true statement .. we certainly drank a LOT of coffee .. LOL. It was fellowship and what I needed at the time to have a better understanding of what I was dealing with. My XAH did not know about these meetings for almost a year.
Attend a meeting .. it's not like you have to make life altering choices today .. it's ok to take your time and start healing.
Alanon meetings are a great place to realize you are not alone and so many stories are similar to what you are dealing with .. just keep coming back. No one will force a choice .. no one will tell you what you should or shouldn't do .. it's really up to you.
Hugs S :)
Welcome hopeless one, good news-- There is hope and help available
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Living with this disease causes many of us to develop negative coping tools that rob us of our self-esteem and self-worth.
Al-Anon is a recovery program established for family members to help develop new constructive tools to live by and to restore self-esteem and the ability to successfully live life on life's terms. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white.
I know that I resisted reaching out for help for myself but once I did. I was so glad to have found this fantastic organization. I do hope you avail yourself of the support. You many are fearful of sharing that they are attending a meetings so that they make up a story- It is best to be honest and explain what you are doing and that alanon's focus is on you and offers new tools to live by
Please do keep coming back here and share the journey.
There is nothing wrong with not telling him anything or even telling a lie if the truth is going to bring you harm.
There is no longer a requirement in my home for me to tell anyone where I'm going or what I'm doing unless I feel compelled to do so. I set myself free. I will say I am going to a meeting or an appointment if asked, but they don't drill down and that's alright with me.
Each home, family, situation is different - you get to decide when, who, what, etc. you share with. You are welcome at meetings whether your 'person' is in recovery or not. I was exactly where you are except I have 2 boys and they both are A(s) - started very young and it's been a rough road. Al-Anon gave me the tools to make decisions for myself, my life, my family and my marriage, one day at a time!
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery...
agree....if your safety and mental healh is at risk (more abuse) then its none of his business what you do or where you go.....I would go to meeting....Even tho I would not stay with an active, especially abusive, alcoholic, that is your choice to stay or go.....you mention the kids....they have already been damaged by his drinking, MAYBE if a friend of mine had left my abusive, druggie brother, she would not be so screwed up and her daughter either....staying with my druggie bro, not only messed up this nice lady, but her kid as well....She finally left him...got into alanon...got her kid into meetings and they are both on the road to reclaiming their lives...once in a while, I hear from them on facebook, and it seems they are headed to a much better life.......the one thing I regret is marrying AH#1 and exposing my daughter to him....he was abusive to me...horrid to me...my girl was just out of HS and she didn't want to be around him...she was dating HER druggie (which I did not know at the time) adn she got pregnant and married him....my grandaughter was impacted by this behavior but thank goodness she is in AA herself as she started abusing alcohol when in late teens
the cycle goes on and on and on and on.....I want the buck to stop with me.....i got into alanon...my daughter had to go to JAIL but decided that it was now or never re: life....then her daughter who was abusing alcohol, drug HERSELF into AA....I woudl like to think my setting an example with alanon, going, steadily and the kids seeing how healthy and happier I was becoming, I KNOW that had an influence on them because They TOLD me it did....both are doing great.....
this disease can be stopped..the cycle broken, if the older ones get into alanon and set the example......I am just sharing what I, personally experienced....this cycle CAN be stopped, LET it begin with ME.......