Need help! Sorry if this post appears harsh but I am at a loss, and I don't know where to turn to for help. I just want to cry everyday. My /boyfriend/fiancee (will explain) and I have been together for 6 years. I had just gotten out of my marriage and he was getting out of his. Life with him was AMAZING!!!!, like nothing I had ever experienced before, we would have FUN almost everyday. We spent 4 1/2 years trying new restaurants every week, going on vacations from Miami to Portugal, we had tons of friends, and laughter was always on the menu. We spent days on the beach, and the pool, we clammed and fished. We always had friends over for dinner, we loved to cook meals together and for everyone around us. We went to Broadway shows, and museums. We would try anything together. There was never any affair we didn't go to, and life was fun. Don't get me wrong, with the good also came the bad. We drank a lot, and moved in with each other and then moved out, moved in, and then moved out, and then he hit rock bottom a year and a half ago when I suppose all the feelings he had been suppressing consumed him. He left his wife for me, and I don't think he had time to comprehend it all. It was Christmas of 2015 and the fighting, arguing and drinking was out of control. He had just proposed earlier that August, and in December during a drunken state in packed up all of the kids Christmas presents and took my engagement ring. Later that night, I received a phone call from him around 2am that all of the Christmas presents and my engagement ring had been stolen. We didn't talk for two weeks, and then I heard he went to rehab. He has been sober for a year and a half now, and doing great. Here is the current issue; during his recovery I moved into my own place with my son while he worked on his recovery and at that time I was working on overcoming my depression (have always had anxiety and depression issues). During his recovery he attempted to break up with me on three separate occasions, and cheated on me during one of those times. I say attempted because we always got back together. We decided to move in together after long discussions and have been living together now for 5 months. He is not the same person, and I do not know how to deal with it. He now doesn't want to get married, doesn't want any kids, doesn't want to go to dinner, or take the kids fishing, or do anything. He works and comes home and falls asleep by 8:30pm. I am 37 years old and for years with him I was under the impression from our previous conversations that we would get married and have kids, and make a family, and now my whole world has changed. We don't do anything together, I know and I understand that certain places and situations are triggers for him but it's like our life completely changed and I don't know what to do. I am bored 24/7. His whole mentality has changed, and i believe that if I was in or out of his life it would not matter, as he says everything happens for a reason. I feel like I am just an object in his life, and the love and excitement, and future plans are no longer there. I do not know what to do. Please help!
-- Edited by cristina622 on Friday 7th of July 2017 11:16:48 AM
-- Edited by cristina622 on Friday 7th of July 2017 12:27:28 PM
makebelieve11 said
Jul 7, 2017
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I've never have been in a romantic relationship with an A - but I know others who have, and it's a roller coaster in the best of times. My brother-in-law drinks to excess, and his fiancee just moved out of their shared rental. He seemed fine for their first year together, even though he was drinking - he had his own business, they went to dinner and concerts, had all kinds of plans to marry and buy a house together, etc. During Year 2, he slowly became nonfunctional, and all plans fell apart. Alcoholism is progressive and as the disease gets worse, the A's personality can seem to change and their priorities become centered around one thing and one thing only: drinking. Everything else can get thrown to the wayside, including the people they love.
After struggling to help him and getting nowhere, fiancee realized her own health was suffering and she had to separate in order to protect herself. She's hoping to get back together if he decides to get his life in order - but right now it's not looking good. She's trying to focus on herself and her life now.
I do hope your partner decides to get help, commits to sobriety, and gets therapy to deal with his other issues. I hope you continue to make progress on your anxiety and depression, too. I deal with that too, and it ain't fun. Keep us posted on how things are going and come back for support or to vent anytime.
Best wishes. mb11
-- Edited by makebelieve11 on Friday 7th of July 2017 01:19:03 PM
milkwood said
Jul 7, 2017
Hi Christina,
Welcome to MIP. It sounds as if you had an exciting time of it back in the day and it sounds as if that has changed beyond all recognition for you now. And its been a roller coaster ride in between as well. I'm not surprised you're spinning, and bored!!! Even the bad times create excitement - although they wore me down and out in the end!!
When I first reached out to Al Anon I was focused on trying to get my husband to change - that didn't work for me! Life got better for me when I started to make and act on my own plans even though it felt scary to be doing it for myself at first. But I just had to concentrate on looking after myself - a bit like you did when you got your own place for you and your son. Living on a big dipper and then landing in the doldrums makes it difficult to focus - I'm not sure if it is the same for you, but for me I was just too busy hanging on and holding it all together to think about what I actually needed and eventually I came to loose a lot of my self-esteem and that made it difficult to step out to do my own thing for a while.
It isn't right to have someone treat you like an object - I get the impression you know that already? .
One day I promised myself, the scared little girl in me, that I would protect my self-esteem above all else. That seemed to be what I needed. .
I also found it helpful to try and imagine what I would say to a dearly loved friend in my situation? This helped me to identify what I could actually change without having to rely on others to do it for me. I started small and took it from there - as long as I did something positive for myself every day, from bubble bath to a weekend break, it helped me to move towards my own right path and it did my self esteem no end of good. It sounds as if you are at the end of your tether and perhaps it feels like you are giving up your dreams? What would you tell your best friend in that situation?
I recommend reading other posts on this site. I found it really helpful and discovered a lot that I could identify with as I read. Also Al Anon face to face meetings helped me in lots of ways - It connected me with others who just 'got it', who understood this crazy making world of addiction in ways that others couldn't grasp, they understood what it was doing to me and a bit like this site, they helped me to take back control over my life.
I hope you keep coming back - you'll get great advice here.
Sending (((((hugs)))))) . It can get better and you are not alone.
Iamhere said
Jul 7, 2017
Welcome to MIP Cristina - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I really don't have ESH to share with you regarding your scenario other than to suggest you can find and have your own fun if you choose to. I believe one of many great things I learned in Al-Anon is I tend to base my mood, plans and more on those I love which isn't always a recipe for success. I now put me first and do what I need/want to and it makes for much better quality time with those I care for. I almost 'see' now that I was tangled up in life with them, waiting for them to 'be' and then I would react to that.
In our side of recovery, we work to focus on ourselves and not those around us. It's hard to grasp but worthwhile for sanity. I do encourage you to attend some Al-Anon meetings to get a feel for what others are experiencing or have experienced and see if the program is for you (or not).
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
cristina622 said
Jul 7, 2017
Thank you all so much for your replies. He is very committed to his recovery, and has become a much better person because of it. Just feel that everything our relationship stood for, having fun, and experiencing life together, having a family and getting married now has all changed. He wants none of that. Do I stay? Do I go? How do I get myself to a place where I put my wants and needs first without feeling guilty about it. What is I leave and never find someone that can give me a relationship filled with love like he does, what if I walk away and never have kids? What if I stay and I resent him for changing so much and never being a family with me?
There are so many questions going on through my head, and I don't have any answers. I'm just at a pause in my life, with a partner who have no future plans for us. Is that how it is for everyone?????
cristina622 said
Jul 7, 2017
How do I do that? Do I give up being with him because we don't share the same dreams anymore? There is no receipt that says that I will meet someone else, and/or have a family if I leave. I just do not know what is the best thing for me right now, or how to even approach to make a decision like this. I love him so much, and am so proud of him, do I put my dreams aside because of this?
Mattie said
Jul 7, 2017
Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. One thing to think about is the Al-Anon saying "More will be revealed." I know the pressure we can feel to know the future and to make a decision. But most times it's safe just to wait and let things settle and let the truth reveal itself gradually. It's okay not to have all the answers yet. The best thing we can do for both our relationships and ourselves is to get into our own recovery. Alcoholism sucks everyone around in the insanity. And even if the alcoholic is in recovery or has left, the fallout is on us too. So working on our own recovery helps us regain perspective and see clearly. Finding a meeting, getting the literature, looking out for a sponsor, reading through the threads here - all of these things will help clarify things. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
milkwood said
Jul 8, 2017
I used to feel guilty about putting my needs first - heaven knows where that one comes from!! I cared for my mum in her last weeks of life and I became tired and tearful (understandably). A friend said to me 'you can't give from an empty cup' and that resonated for me. I needed to keep my 'cup' topped up if I wanted to make the most of the last few days we had together so I would take time out for walks in nature and that helped a lot. Self-care became my tonic and yes, I still felt a bit selfish when I make time for myself, but I know that if I had reached the stage of feeling resentful I would have been absolutely ghastly to be around! So I don't feel nearly so guilty anymore.
I have an image of scales balancing an unknown potential alongside what you know now - how does that look for you? Be gentle with yourself, and as Mattie says, more will be revealed. I found it useful to gift myself a day or a week, in which I didn't have to make 'the decision', in which I just paused and practised doing the next right thing for me. Oh, and I sometimes flip a coin - heads I do x, tails I do y, and then I listen to how my body feels about the answer.
It sounds as if both of the options you are giving yourself involve a degree of sadness and grief, giving up dreams or giving up a relationship with someone you care about is a tough choice to have to make. I wonder if it is possible to turn that around so it reads as 'finding my new dreams in this relationship' or 'finding a new way to follow my dreams'?
Only you know which is doable for you - but trust that you and your son can and will survive, and even thrive, whatever you choose for yourselves. (((((hugs))))) . I believe that its ok to respect other peoples needs and choices as theirs as long as I give equal rights to myself.
I hope you keep coming back, I found it helpful to hear myself as I typed out messages here and Al Anon face to face meetings can help with that as well.
mamalioness said
Jul 8, 2017
cristina622 wrote:
How do I do that? Do I give up being with him because we don't share the same dreams anymore? There is no receipt that says that I will meet someone else, and/or have a family if I leave. I just do not know what is the best thing for me right now, or how to even approach to make a decision like this. I love him so much, and am so proud of him, do I put my dreams aside because of this?
I just wanted to say I am glad you showed up here....sounds like you want him to do/give you things he cannot do/give...sooo what do you do??? If this were me, I would be in meetings every day, getting a sponsor to help me with the steps and I would FOCUS ON ME..let HIM do what he has to do.....and if I were living iwth a guy who did not want to get married, I woudl move out....get my own place and let him have his space and I would pursue MY goals of recovery and at least opening my mind to new opportunities.....I know the rollar coaster trips they put you on...was married to two of them, the 2nd was a wonderful guy, but a alcoholic and I divorced him because i loved him too much to watch him die.....maybe your BF is too immersed in figured out HIS life and does not want to add any complications (marriage, kids) to it for who knows how long???? The only thing you can change is you....I used to obsess over the alcoholic and what HES gonna do that I lost me and became depressed, even MORE sick with anxiety then I already have, I was nuts, worrying about someone ELSE when the only thing I can do is change, take care of, ME.....you ever look up in the sky and watch the birds flying around??? Note that birds of a feather DO flock and fly together......If you two no longer share the same goals, maybe a time out (temporary or permanent) is in order because it appears that he wants to step back......and NO there is no guarantee you will meet someone else..you may or you may NOT, but for SURE, right now,...he made it clear, NO MARRIAGE......I do hope you stick wtih us and alanon....trust me....the more you get into helping yourself, the better life can be because you will be taking your life back...even if he were to , some day, decide he wants to marry....there is no "receipt" that he wont' slip and get drunk again.....there is NEVER any guarantees in this thing we call LIFE......please keep coming back
Need help! Sorry if this post appears harsh but I am at a loss, and I don't know where to turn to for help. I just want to cry everyday. My /boyfriend/fiancee (will explain) and I have been together for 6 years. I had just gotten out of my marriage and he was getting out of his. Life with him was AMAZING!!!!, like nothing I had ever experienced before, we would have FUN almost everyday. We spent 4 1/2 years trying new restaurants every week, going on vacations from Miami to Portugal, we had tons of friends, and laughter was always on the menu. We spent days on the beach, and the pool, we clammed and fished. We always had friends over for dinner, we loved to cook meals together and for everyone around us. We went to Broadway shows, and museums. We would try anything together. There was never any affair we didn't go to, and life was fun. Don't get me wrong, with the good also came the bad. We drank a lot, and moved in with each other and then moved out, moved in, and then moved out, and then he hit rock bottom a year and a half ago when I suppose all the feelings he had been suppressing consumed him. He left his wife for me, and I don't think he had time to comprehend it all. It was Christmas of 2015 and the fighting, arguing and drinking was out of control. He had just proposed earlier that August, and in December during a drunken state in packed up all of the kids Christmas presents and took my engagement ring. Later that night, I received a phone call from him around 2am that all of the Christmas presents and my engagement ring had been stolen. We didn't talk for two weeks, and then I heard he went to rehab. He has been sober for a year and a half now, and doing great. Here is the current issue; during his recovery I moved into my own place with my son while he worked on his recovery and at that time I was working on overcoming my depression (have always had anxiety and depression issues). During his recovery he attempted to break up with me on three separate occasions, and cheated on me during one of those times. I say attempted because we always got back together. We decided to move in together after long discussions and have been living together now for 5 months. He is not the same person, and I do not know how to deal with it. He now doesn't want to get married, doesn't want any kids, doesn't want to go to dinner, or take the kids fishing, or do anything. He works and comes home and falls asleep by 8:30pm. I am 37 years old and for years with him I was under the impression from our previous conversations that we would get married and have kids, and make a family, and now my whole world has changed. We don't do anything together, I know and I understand that certain places and situations are triggers for him but it's like our life completely changed and I don't know what to do. I am bored 24/7. His whole mentality has changed, and i believe that if I was in or out of his life it would not matter, as he says everything happens for a reason. I feel like I am just an object in his life, and the love and excitement, and future plans are no longer there. I do not know what to do. Please help!
-- Edited by cristina622 on Friday 7th of July 2017 11:16:48 AM
-- Edited by cristina622 on Friday 7th of July 2017 12:27:28 PM
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I've never have been in a romantic relationship with an A - but I know others who have, and it's a roller coaster in the best of times. My brother-in-law drinks to excess, and his fiancee just moved out of their shared rental. He seemed fine for their first year together, even though he was drinking - he had his own business, they went to dinner and concerts, had all kinds of plans to marry and buy a house together, etc. During Year 2, he slowly became nonfunctional, and all plans fell apart. Alcoholism is progressive and as the disease gets worse, the A's personality can seem to change and their priorities become centered around one thing and one thing only: drinking. Everything else can get thrown to the wayside, including the people they love.
After struggling to help him and getting nowhere, fiancee realized her own health was suffering and she had to separate in order to protect herself. She's hoping to get back together if he decides to get his life in order - but right now it's not looking good. She's trying to focus on herself and her life now.
I do hope your partner decides to get help, commits to sobriety, and gets therapy to deal with his other issues. I hope you continue to make progress on your anxiety and depression, too. I deal with that too, and it ain't fun. Keep us posted on how things are going and come back for support or to vent anytime.
Best wishes.
mb11
-- Edited by makebelieve11 on Friday 7th of July 2017 01:19:03 PM
Welcome to MIP. It sounds as if you had an exciting time of it back in the day and it sounds as if that has changed beyond all recognition for you now. And its been a roller coaster ride in between as well. I'm not surprised you're spinning, and bored!!! Even the bad times create excitement - although they wore me down and out in the end!!
When I first reached out to Al Anon I was focused on trying to get my husband to change - that didn't work for me! Life got better for me when I started to make and act on my own plans even though it felt scary to be doing it for myself at first. But I just had to concentrate on looking after myself - a bit like you did when you got your own place for you and your son. Living on a big dipper and then landing in the doldrums makes it difficult to focus - I'm not sure if it is the same for you, but for me I was just too busy hanging on and holding it all together to think about what I actually needed and eventually I came to loose a lot of my self-esteem and that made it difficult to step out to do my own thing for a while.
It isn't right to have someone treat you like an object - I get the impression you know that already?
One day I promised myself, the scared little girl in me, that I would protect my self-esteem above all else. That seemed to be what I needed.
I also found it helpful to try and imagine what I would say to a dearly loved friend in my situation? This helped me to identify what I could actually change without having to rely on others to do it for me. I started small and took it from there - as long as I did something positive for myself every day, from bubble bath to a weekend break, it helped me to move towards my own right path and it did my self esteem no end of good. It sounds as if you are at the end of your tether and perhaps it feels like you are giving up your dreams? What would you tell your best friend in that situation?
I recommend reading other posts on this site. I found it really helpful and discovered a lot that I could identify with as I read. Also Al Anon face to face meetings helped me in lots of ways - It connected me with others who just 'got it', who understood this crazy making world of addiction in ways that others couldn't grasp, they understood what it was doing to me and a bit like this site, they helped me to take back control over my life.
I hope you keep coming back - you'll get great advice here.
Sending (((((hugs)))))) . It can get better and you are not alone.
In our side of recovery, we work to focus on ourselves and not those around us. It's hard to grasp but worthwhile for sanity. I do encourage you to attend some Al-Anon meetings to get a feel for what others are experiencing or have experienced and see if the program is for you (or not).
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
There are so many questions going on through my head, and I don't have any answers. I'm just at a pause in my life, with a partner who have no future plans for us. Is that how it is for everyone?????
How do I do that? Do I give up being with him because we don't share the same dreams anymore? There is no receipt that says that I will meet someone else, and/or have a family if I leave. I just do not know what is the best thing for me right now, or how to even approach to make a decision like this. I love him so much, and am so proud of him, do I put my dreams aside because of this?
Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. One thing to think about is the Al-Anon saying "More will be revealed." I know the pressure we can feel to know the future and to make a decision. But most times it's safe just to wait and let things settle and let the truth reveal itself gradually. It's okay not to have all the answers yet. The best thing we can do for both our relationships and ourselves is to get into our own recovery. Alcoholism sucks everyone around in the insanity. And even if the alcoholic is in recovery or has left, the fallout is on us too. So working on our own recovery helps us regain perspective and see clearly. Finding a meeting, getting the literature, looking out for a sponsor, reading through the threads here - all of these things will help clarify things. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
I have an image of scales balancing an unknown potential alongside what you know now - how does that look for you? Be gentle with yourself, and as Mattie says, more will be revealed. I found it useful to gift myself a day or a week, in which I didn't have to make 'the decision', in which I just paused and practised doing the next right thing for me. Oh, and I sometimes flip a coin - heads I do x, tails I do y, and then I listen to how my body feels about the answer.
It sounds as if both of the options you are giving yourself involve a degree of sadness and grief, giving up dreams or giving up a relationship with someone you care about is a tough choice to have to make. I wonder if it is possible to turn that around so it reads as 'finding my new dreams in this relationship' or 'finding a new way to follow my dreams'?
Only you know which is doable for you - but trust that you and your son can and will survive, and even thrive, whatever you choose for yourselves. (((((hugs))))) . I believe that its ok to respect other peoples needs and choices as theirs as long as I give equal rights to myself.
I hope you keep coming back, I found it helpful to hear myself as I typed out messages here and Al Anon face to face meetings can help with that as well.
I just wanted to say I am glad you showed up here....sounds like you want him to do/give you things he cannot do/give...sooo what do you do??? If this were me, I would be in meetings every day, getting a sponsor to help me with the steps and I would FOCUS ON ME..let HIM do what he has to do.....and if I were living iwth a guy who did not want to get married, I woudl move out....get my own place and let him have his space and I would pursue MY goals of recovery and at least opening my mind to new opportunities.....I know the rollar coaster trips they put you on...was married to two of them, the 2nd was a wonderful guy, but a alcoholic and I divorced him because i loved him too much to watch him die.....maybe your BF is too immersed in figured out HIS life and does not want to add any complications (marriage, kids) to it for who knows how long???? The only thing you can change is you....I used to obsess over the alcoholic and what HES gonna do that I lost me and became depressed, even MORE sick with anxiety then I already have, I was nuts, worrying about someone ELSE when the only thing I can do is change, take care of, ME.....you ever look up in the sky and watch the birds flying around??? Note that birds of a feather DO flock and fly together......If you two no longer share the same goals, maybe a time out (temporary or permanent) is in order because it appears that he wants to step back......and NO there is no guarantee you will meet someone else..you may or you may NOT, but for SURE, right now,...he made it clear, NO MARRIAGE......I do hope you stick wtih us and alanon....trust me....the more you get into helping yourself, the better life can be because you will be taking your life back...even if he were to , some day, decide he wants to marry....there is no "receipt" that he wont' slip and get drunk again.....there is NEVER any guarantees in this thing we call LIFE......please keep coming back