The holidays have always been stressful and it's been a long time since I have been through 3 day weekends and so on with another person. Christmas and T-day were easier because we were newer into the relationship I think. We were on his territory not mine. I'm flexible like that .. lol .. it has to be pretty dysfunctional crazy for me not to be able to socialize .. and ironically I have had to learn how to be social because I skipped that part of my life.
I'm still dealing with past crap which is always soooo much fun .. NOT. LOL.
Something that came up was our first real fight and it was actually very humorous now that I look at it hindsight. I'm good at defensive fighting because the best offense is a great defense .. LOL .. don't ask me why that stands out for me however it's what I sharpened my teeth on as a kiddo. Very honestly I don't usually do conflict because it just goes my way .. LOL .. that's an only child thing for me and I have been learning how to breathe and remind myself it's just not always about me. This creates an unbalanced atmosphere and my strong will does tend to dominate so I'm very aware of others in these situations.
The biggest growth for me out of this whole ridiculous situation was again .. back to how to communicate within a relationship .. sounds easy .. LOL .. it is so not something that comes naturally for me .. LOL .. AND I don't have to be tied up in what he is or isn't doing. He's allowed to have his feelings/tantrums/or whatever while I continue with my day. I'm referring to the one situation .. if it was daily I would be rethinking the whole relationship .. LOL!! The thing I am most proud of myself about is my plans did not change because of what "might" happen. The "might happens" spin in a way that is comical .. he might be so angry he leaves .. he might not ever talk to me again .. he might not be nice to me again .. he might realize what a difficult person I am and bolt. There is more of a list however I think that conveys the idea of what I spin about at times. These are the same things I spun about in my previous relationship with my XAH. Well all of my relationships that fear of someone walking out on me .. yet again. This is a pattern that I have watched play out over and over again .. abandonment issues run high with me.
I was able to step back and say ok .. hello .. guess what if any of those things happen .. they have already happened via other people and I wound up surviving .. no it didn't feel good however the world did not end and I was able to move forward .. even if I limped along a bit. (Cue the dramatic music .. LOL) So the world will still turn .. LOL .. I'm ok with that.
I decided to handle things differently because I care deeply about this person and the end goal is to have a better relationship going forward. I was still annoyed .. in the past I would dramatically cancel all of my plans and go to bed leaving my poor kids confused in terms of what had happened and why weren't we doing something fun. I would rather lick my wounds than have fun self torture is sooo much better .. lol. No. That's not me any more. So to let him know I was not buying into what was going on and moving things forward I suggested we take separate vehicles so that if he felt the need to leave he could and I was free to stay as long as I wished. (without the pressure of watching for the "signs" of should we go) .. I have lovely work friends and we did this last year and had a blast. I was single last year and it was FUN. It's a alcohol free zone so no one was getting plastered for the day and we seriously had so much food, fun and socializing. I know that my guy was uncomfortable because he really isn't Mr. Social and that's ok .. I don't feel that I excluded him or forced situations on him that he wasn't comfortable with, I believe he had a good time considering and he did leave a little early and dropped my daughter at the house because she was capped visiting wise. It left me free to stay and play with my friends. When I refer to buying into there were some things that I thought oh no .. we are not starting a pattern of this .. poor man .. lol .. the look on his face was actually pretty priceless however I think long run he saw the wisdom of my thoughts. It wasn't a punishment .. it was practical .. I don't need to be joined at his hip and I have felt a lot more freedom with this relationship than I have had in past relationships meaning .. he's going to do what he's going to do .. what am I going to do .. I plan on continuing to live my life.
The end result was a very calm interaction with friends who really are more like family .. he actually had a nice time and it's something we are planning on doing again sooner than later. We have managed once a year constantly saying we need to do it more often .. LOL.
It was peaceful and we resolved our "issue" before going to said party .. I was not going to continue going down that road. So we turned left and it all worked out. The more I let go of control and make decisions based upon what is for the highest good vs anger and so on .. things seem to run smoother. It is not easy to let go of set patterns or let go of fears that may or may not happen .. even if they happen .. it's not the end of the world. It is merely moving me in a different direction and again .. I'm ok with that.
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
Jul 5, 2017
Great share Serenity as well as fantastic use of program tools. I agree." program talks easy but walks hard" You kept the focus on yourself, learned the difficult lessons from the past, developed a plan B and responded in a positive manner.
Good Job. Thanks for the up lifting share
Iamhere said
Jul 5, 2017
Woot-woot - I'm with Betty....what a great share! I too see great use of the program tools and the Miracle in Progress you are!
Your post reminds me how helpful it is to just pause long enough to consider what is logically next! Way to go girl!!
shrnp said
Jul 5, 2017
That was a great insight to take separate vehicles, I am glad that worked out for you. I am passed that to close for comfort time of my life too. It is so hard to look ahead and avoid unexpected conflicts. I agree with Iamhere that is was a great example of practicing the pause.
Bo said
Jul 5, 2017
Thank you so much for posting. It is not easy. Sometimes, it can be very hard. I remember my sponsor telling me -- when you want it, really want, you will want it more than anything in the world. You will scratch, claw, plead, cry, beg, you will do anything to get it. The "it" he was referring to was...getting better...getting healthy. He was right. It was then -- when I hit rock bottom, that I wanted it. Period. Whatever it took. I would do it.
I had lost my mind. I couldn't function, keep food down, was having panic/anxiety attacks, couldn't sleep, couldn't work, nothing. I was at rock bottom.
So, I met with my sponsor. We made a plan. I went to two meetings a day for over 90 days! I talked with my sponsor every single day. Sometimes multiple times a day. When I needed to or wanted to, I called. And he was there. He said "I can't go to hell for you, but I can and will go to hell with you" -- and at first it was. But just at first. I did readings every single morning and evening. I started working the steps with him. We met a few times a week. We met before and after meetings.
Every step of the way -- the focus was on ME. As soon as I started, even drifted to her, what she was doing, where she was going, who she was with, etc. -- my sponsor got me back on track immediately. He held me accountable, pushed me, and took me to the mat in a loving, caring way. This was very serious work -- and a very serious commitment on both my part, and his. And he was more than willing to do it, if and only if I was serious and was 100% committed.
Recovery is a journey...not a destination...and it is our journey. Sometimes the road can be smooth, easy, etc.; and sometimes it can be rougher and tougher than one could imagine. But, we keep getting up and moving forward. One step, one day at a time.
mamalioness said
Jul 5, 2017
Bo wrote:
I remember my sponsor telling me -- when you want it, really want, you will want it more than anything in the world. You will scratch, claw, plead, cry, beg, you will do anything to get it. The "it" he was referring to was...getting better...getting healthy. He was right. It was then -- when I hit rock bottom, that I wanted it. Period. Whatever it took. I would do it.
Recovery is a journey...not a destination...and it is our journey. Sometimes the road can be smooth, easy, etc.; and sometimes it can be rougher and tougher than one could imagine. But, we keep getting up and moving forward. One step, one day at a time.
Sounds like we had the same sponsor, LOL..oh yea, I had to want it sooo bad i would do anything to get better.....and I did....when i first came here i was so hungry for recovery, meets EVERYDAY for at least 3 months maybe 4, then 3-5 meets per week....work with sponsor....and i mean she was so brutally honest, but loving, I ate up her wisdom, did the work she suggested..worked the steps like a maniac, but I began to GET BETTER....FEEL BETTER ABOUT ME.....and I agree...i will never graduate...i'm a lifer here...that is ok b/c the people i am meeting and the coping skills, healthy coping skills, i am learning.....life is OK.........and for me, yea, its 2 steps fore, 1 back, but i am stil gaining...ONE day at a time
Bo said
Jul 5, 2017
mamalioness wrote:
Bo wrote:
I remember my sponsor telling me -- when you want it, really want, you will want it more than anything in the world. You will scratch, claw, plead, cry, beg, you will do anything to get it. The "it" he was referring to was...getting better...getting healthy. He was right. It was then -- when I hit rock bottom, that I wanted it. Period. Whatever it took. I would do it.
Recovery is a journey...not a destination...and it is our journey. Sometimes the road can be smooth, easy, etc.; and sometimes it can be rougher and tougher than one could imagine. But, we keep getting up and moving forward. One step, one day at a time.
Sounds like we had the same sponsor, LOL..oh yea, I had to want it sooo bad i would do anything to get better.....and I did....when i first came here i was so hungry for recovery, meets EVERYDAY for at least 3 months maybe 4, then 3-5 meets per week....work with sponsor....and i mean she was so brutally honest, but loving, I ate up her wisdom, did the work she suggested..worked the steps like a maniac, but I began to GET BETTER....FEEL BETTER ABOUT ME.....and I agree...i will never graduate...i'm a lifer here...that is ok b/c the people i am meeting and the coping skills, healthy coping skills, i am learning.....life is OK.........and for me, yea, its 2 steps fore, 1 back, but i am stil gaining...ONE day at a time
That's amazing...thank you for sharing. It is inspiring to see and hear someone who wanted it so bad, and did whatever they had to in order to get better. I still go to a lot of meetings. It's my mental gym. It's my mental vitamins. It's what keeps me grounded, healthy, on-track, and so on. Even if it's just three meetings a week, like when I am super-busy at the office, I go. After 23 years, going to meetings, doing the readings, and picking up the phone, all of them are innate.
Aline said
Jul 6, 2017
Thanks for sharing this, Serenity, I love how you handled the issue!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 6, 2017
What a great share, Serenity!! Thank you for showing how Program is working for you!! Glad you had a great time.
SerenityRUS said
Jul 6, 2017
LOL .. thanks .. I have to say .. I honestly hate being a grown up in terms of doing the adulting .. it means a lot of different things for me in terms of behavior, responsibility, choices and all of these things I don't like .. oh I forgot to add sharing is caring .. LOL .. sometimes I just don't want to. The whole responsible for self and there is consideration for others. I don't get to do whatever I want just because .. I can do so without doing damage to every living thing around me in the process .. I have been focusing on my collateral damage .. there is so much talk about leaving the ecological foot prints around and I started thinking about the emotional foot prints I'm leaving for my kids. It's not healthy on some level however it is way better than what I used to do. Progress not perfection. Just for today though I get to breath and just be.
The holidays have always been stressful and it's been a long time since I have been through 3 day weekends and so on with another person. Christmas and T-day were easier because we were newer into the relationship I think. We were on his territory not mine. I'm flexible like that .. lol .. it has to be pretty dysfunctional crazy for me not to be able to socialize .. and ironically I have had to learn how to be social because I skipped that part of my life.
I'm still dealing with past crap which is always soooo much fun .. NOT. LOL.
Something that came up was our first real fight and it was actually very humorous now that I look at it hindsight. I'm good at defensive fighting because the best offense is a great defense .. LOL .. don't ask me why that stands out for me however it's what I sharpened my teeth on as a kiddo. Very honestly I don't usually do conflict because it just goes my way .. LOL .. that's an only child thing for me and I have been learning how to breathe and remind myself it's just not always about me. This creates an unbalanced atmosphere and my strong will does tend to dominate so I'm very aware of others in these situations.
The biggest growth for me out of this whole ridiculous situation was again .. back to how to communicate within a relationship .. sounds easy .. LOL .. it is so not something that comes naturally for me .. LOL .. AND I don't have to be tied up in what he is or isn't doing. He's allowed to have his feelings/tantrums/or whatever while I continue with my day. I'm referring to the one situation .. if it was daily I would be rethinking the whole relationship .. LOL!! The thing I am most proud of myself about is my plans did not change because of what "might" happen. The "might happens" spin in a way that is comical .. he might be so angry he leaves .. he might not ever talk to me again .. he might not be nice to me again .. he might realize what a difficult person I am and bolt. There is more of a list however I think that conveys the idea of what I spin about at times. These are the same things I spun about in my previous relationship with my XAH. Well all of my relationships that fear of someone walking out on me .. yet again. This is a pattern that I have watched play out over and over again .. abandonment issues run high with me.
I was able to step back and say ok .. hello .. guess what if any of those things happen .. they have already happened via other people and I wound up surviving .. no it didn't feel good however the world did not end and I was able to move forward .. even if I limped along a bit. (Cue the dramatic music .. LOL) So the world will still turn .. LOL .. I'm ok with that.
I decided to handle things differently because I care deeply about this person and the end goal is to have a better relationship going forward. I was still annoyed .. in the past I would dramatically cancel all of my plans and go to bed leaving my poor kids confused in terms of what had happened and why weren't we doing something fun. I would rather lick my wounds than have fun self torture is sooo much better .. lol. No. That's not me any more. So to let him know I was not buying into what was going on and moving things forward I suggested we take separate vehicles so that if he felt the need to leave he could and I was free to stay as long as I wished. (without the pressure of watching for the "signs" of should we go) .. I have lovely work friends and we did this last year and had a blast. I was single last year and it was FUN. It's a alcohol free zone so no one was getting plastered for the day and we seriously had so much food, fun and socializing. I know that my guy was uncomfortable because he really isn't Mr. Social and that's ok .. I don't feel that I excluded him or forced situations on him that he wasn't comfortable with, I believe he had a good time considering and he did leave a little early and dropped my daughter at the house because she was capped visiting wise. It left me free to stay and play with my friends. When I refer to buying into there were some things that I thought oh no .. we are not starting a pattern of this .. poor man .. lol .. the look on his face was actually pretty priceless however I think long run he saw the wisdom of my thoughts. It wasn't a punishment .. it was practical .. I don't need to be joined at his hip and I have felt a lot more freedom with this relationship than I have had in past relationships meaning .. he's going to do what he's going to do .. what am I going to do .. I plan on continuing to live my life.
The end result was a very calm interaction with friends who really are more like family .. he actually had a nice time and it's something we are planning on doing again sooner than later. We have managed once a year constantly saying we need to do it more often .. LOL.
It was peaceful and we resolved our "issue" before going to said party .. I was not going to continue going down that road. So we turned left and it all worked out. The more I let go of control and make decisions based upon what is for the highest good vs anger and so on .. things seem to run smoother. It is not easy to let go of set patterns or let go of fears that may or may not happen .. even if they happen .. it's not the end of the world. It is merely moving me in a different direction and again .. I'm ok with that.
Hugs S :)
Great share Serenity as well as fantastic use of program tools.
I agree." program talks easy but walks hard" You kept the focus on yourself, learned the difficult lessons from the past, developed a plan B and responded in a positive manner.
Good Job. Thanks for the up lifting share
Your post reminds me how helpful it is to just pause long enough to consider what is logically next! Way to go girl!!
I had lost my mind. I couldn't function, keep food down, was having panic/anxiety attacks, couldn't sleep, couldn't work, nothing. I was at rock bottom.
So, I met with my sponsor. We made a plan. I went to two meetings a day for over 90 days! I talked with my sponsor every single day. Sometimes multiple times a day. When I needed to or wanted to, I called. And he was there. He said "I can't go to hell for you, but I can and will go to hell with you" -- and at first it was. But just at first. I did readings every single morning and evening. I started working the steps with him. We met a few times a week. We met before and after meetings.
Every step of the way -- the focus was on ME. As soon as I started, even drifted to her, what she was doing, where she was going, who she was with, etc. -- my sponsor got me back on track immediately. He held me accountable, pushed me, and took me to the mat in a loving, caring way. This was very serious work -- and a very serious commitment on both my part, and his. And he was more than willing to do it, if and only if I was serious and was 100% committed.
Recovery is a journey...not a destination...and it is our journey. Sometimes the road can be smooth, easy, etc.; and sometimes it can be rougher and tougher than one could imagine. But, we keep getting up and moving forward. One step, one day at a time.
Sounds like we had the same sponsor, LOL..oh yea, I had to want it sooo bad i would do anything to get better.....and I did....when i first came here i was so hungry for recovery, meets EVERYDAY for at least 3 months maybe 4, then 3-5 meets per week....work with sponsor....and i mean she was so brutally honest, but loving, I ate up her wisdom, did the work she suggested..worked the steps like a maniac, but I began to GET BETTER....FEEL BETTER ABOUT ME.....and I agree...i will never graduate...i'm a lifer here...that is ok b/c the people i am meeting and the coping skills, healthy coping skills, i am learning.....life is OK.........and for me, yea, its 2 steps fore, 1 back, but i am stil gaining...ONE day at a time
That's amazing...thank you for sharing. It is inspiring to see and hear someone who wanted it so bad, and did whatever they had to in order to get better. I still go to a lot of meetings. It's my mental gym. It's my mental vitamins. It's what keeps me grounded, healthy, on-track, and so on. Even if it's just three meetings a week, like when I am super-busy at the office, I go. After 23 years, going to meetings, doing the readings, and picking up the phone, all of them are innate.
:)