I've dated a recovering alcoholic for two years. The relationship started off amazing, I had never felt loved like that before. I knew he was several years in recovery and seemed to be doing well. A few months in his mood swings started. I felt like when we got close he pulled away.
I knew going in there would be some challenges to dating a recovering addict, and I was whiling to try to do my best. I'll admit I wasn't always perfect at not taking the mood swings and depression personally but as time went on I tried to learn from my mistakes.
He never let these things go though. He was very hard on me when I didn't react how he wanted me too. I felt he gave me no learning curve. I look back and wish I hadn't taken things so personally, but it was all new to me.
He also gave me no support in return. When a very close friend died he simply replied he had only met her once so it didn't effect him.
Is this common? I felt like he was selfish and hard on me when I was just trying to love him and build a relationship. He just dumped me saying we never clicked, on paper we seem great but I'm not the one. I'm devistated trying to figure out what I could have done better.
Mattie said
Jul 5, 2017
Welcome to the boards. The thing is that alcoholics (actually, other people too) come in all different kinds of personalities and readiness to be in a mature relationship. Some are, some aren't, some will never be.
I do find that we codependents have something in common, which is that we are always hoping that something we can do will affect the situation and make our alcoholic (in recovery or not) better able to respond to our needs.
But there are some useful sayings in Al-Anon, such as "When a person shows you who they are, believe them," and "going to the hardware store for bread," which means going to that unresponsive person and hoping to get something they're just not going to give.
So frustrating as it is, I suspect the truth is that you couldn't have done anything different to make him more responsive. He is just not the kind of person who can be unselfish. Or who cares about being unselfish. Sometimes those people can turn on the charm like there's no tomorrow. Sometimes they win us over and then just coast on our craving to get all that wonderful attention and loving back again. Sometimes they are flighty and impulsive and what we hoped would last forever, typically only lasts a short time with them. That tends to happen with people who are intense at the beginning. They jump into something whole hog, and then they jump out whole hog. You're right not to take it personally.
The thing we can do differently (I discovered after much pain!) is let them go as soon as we figure out what kind of person they are. I got stuck in a cycle of trying and trying to win the guy back. Sometimes he would come back, it would be intense again, and then he'd jump out again. Ouch! That happened too many times.
I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
Jerry F said
Jul 5, 2017
Aloha Pacific Girl and welcome to the board. You have done the best thing by hooking up with those of us who have been where you are at by having relationships with alcoholics and addicts or who were born and raised in the disease of addiction. Alcoholics and addicts are altered people and normal for them is "altered". I was born and raised in the disease of addiction and the majority of my relationships were with addicts or alcoholics and I am one also. Recovering from alcoholism addiction (same thing really) is a life time endeavor and we have to learn how to think, feel, and act differently. Sorry and that the truth. If you want to try to rescue the relationship and or continue in it I would deeply suggest that you get with the multitude of men, women and even children who have been affected by someone else's drinking and using. We have learned another way of living which is magical and also how to not place our alcoholics on that high a pedestal that they cannot follow thru or believe that they are "greater than". Stick around and keep coming back...the family here is deep, wide and very experienced....read back in the post and come to understand. (((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Jul 5, 2017
Welcome PG,
I think as women specifically I get caught up in the what's wrong with me syndrome of why didn't he love me back and I had a few relationships like that.
Something to think about is what does love look like to you .. when I first started alanon love as well as my HP was the size of a bread box and I have learned it's so much more than that. I remember thinking my XAH did this and that with the kids and when I would tell one of my friends what he was doing her response was S .. that's what a dad is SUPPOSE to do .. he doesn't get a medal for showing up and doing what he's suppose to do any more than you do for showing up and doing what a mom does. That put things into perspective for me in terms of how short I was selling myself .. I settled for subpar behavior and I allowed it because I accepted it. It would creep up on me .. I had a boundary and then I moved it .. then my boundary moved again.
One thing that you mention in your post that struck me was the statement "I've dated a recovering alcoholic for two years. The relationship started off amazing, I had never felt loved like that before."
This is all my opinion while we don't give advice .. LOL .. we can have opinions .. so by all means take what you like and leave the rest.
If you have only been dating for 2 years that's still the honeymoon phase and it's said it takes 3 years to actually get to know someone in terms of masks falling off and we all have those .. those are the things where we finally feel "safe" enough for lack of a better term to allow us to shine through. The good, bad and ugly. My XAH was very much what I call a bag and tag in terms of relationships .. he never got to the point where the mask came off until you were knee deep in trouble .. lol. His last relationship was less than a year before they were married and he was desperate to get married to this woman and trust me when I say the mask dropped off within the first 5 months of marriage to the tune of 50k (that's dollars).
My suggestion is keep coming back .. regardless of this man in your life and why it didn't workout .. I know for me I don't want to go down that road again .. if it means putting the brakes on things .. taking things slower .. it was always a matter of who am I before I met this person and who am I after I met the person. I am dating .. I took a 5 year break by choice .. LOL .. I am currently involved with a lovely man .. who comes with his own set of baggage that is his to unpack and share if he chooses to do so. I understand that love is bigger than a bread box .. and I teach people how to treat me.
I am so sorry for your pain because all of the words in the world won't make that hurt stop .. you are not alone and I can tell you based upon the stories here .. you will get through it and this is a wonderful place to begin healing. I do encourage finding a meeting in your area as well as doing as the meetings suggest .. sponsorship, steps and self awareness and discovery .. because the first lesson is .. I am powerless over people places and things. Pretty much stick a noun in it and I'm powerless. It's a freeing space to be in not having to worry about what I think the other person should or should not be doing ( BTW I have a list for my XAH .. LOL .. STILL working on that one .. LOL). Point is you have value and are important .. and it's so important for you to keep healing and growing single or in a relationship.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Jul 5, 2017
Welcome to MIP - glad you are here and glad that you joined in....so sorry for your pain. I echo what has been said above me - take care of you....there is always hope and help in recovery!
a4l said
Jul 5, 2017
Wow, that's a very brusque experience. I'd say self centeredness is a byproduct of addiction and for myself, I have a very self oriented conditioning I've had to learn and am still learning to grow from. Selfish in addiction, self focused in recovery, learning how to give and how not to. Its a process. Sounds like he's still working it out too. What can we do? Powerless over others is a learning on this side. Welcome and take care.
mamalioness said
Jul 5, 2017
a4l wrote:
Wow, that's a very brusque experience. I'd say self centeredness is a byproduct of addiction and for myself, I have a very self oriented conditioning I've had to learn and am still learning to grow from. Selfish in addiction, self focused in recovery, learning how to give and how not to. Its a process. Sounds like he's still working it out too. What can we do? Powerless over others is a learning on this side. Welcome and take care.
Yep, I agree....addiction usually equals selfishness because they are so into the disease and its all about them, noone else.....welcome to alanon where you will learn how to do self CARE and still have compassion, love and kindness towards others WITH boundaries.......i like what a41 says "self focused in recovery---learning how to give and how not to" and oh yea, its a process......we have online meets here if you cannot get into face to face ones....also we hope you get literature on the steps, slogans and also conference approved literature.....melodie beattie is not alanon approved, i dont' think, but her 12 steps for codependents really is "da bomb" for starting you out on the right track working the steps......share here, read everybody's posts so you can see #1 you are not alone #2, GREAT feedback on this board....this board is my daily therapy....really!!!!!! BIG welcome!!!!
tiredtonite said
Jul 7, 2017
Welcome to the MIP board. I'm sorry you're hurt and confused about the quality of the relationship you had with this man. It sounds like you've learned some things from being involved with him - things you don't want in a partner, that you have courage and willingness to be in a relationship and love yourself enough to ask for help here. I hope you'll keep coming back to continue to share your Alanon progress with us. These growing pains may not feel like recovery progress but at least from my personal experience they were. Every relationship I risk to have with a new person increases my self knowledge. If I'm met with an unacceptable behavior from another person and I recognize it from a past experience, I can reach into my Alanon toolbox and find what honors me as a person who knows they are loved by their higher power and take care of myself in the situation.
I think of Alanon meetings the program as the gift that keeps on giving. The more I'm willing to be honest with myself and the god of my understanding, the more I grow in love and acceptance and knowledge of myself, the less power I give to others to define who I am and my worth. My hp is greater than any person and set my value as priceless. Continuing to work the Alanon program helps to keep my mind and heart connected to that belief.
I hope you'll keep coming back to share with us and I wish you healing concerning ending of your relationship with this guy. You deserve the best. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 7th of July 2017 08:36:10 AM
Welcome to the boards. The thing is that alcoholics (actually, other people too) come in all different kinds of personalities and readiness to be in a mature relationship. Some are, some aren't, some will never be.
I do find that we codependents have something in common, which is that we are always hoping that something we can do will affect the situation and make our alcoholic (in recovery or not) better able to respond to our needs.
But there are some useful sayings in Al-Anon, such as "When a person shows you who they are, believe them," and "going to the hardware store for bread," which means going to that unresponsive person and hoping to get something they're just not going to give.
So frustrating as it is, I suspect the truth is that you couldn't have done anything different to make him more responsive. He is just not the kind of person who can be unselfish. Or who cares about being unselfish. Sometimes those people can turn on the charm like there's no tomorrow. Sometimes they win us over and then just coast on our craving to get all that wonderful attention and loving back again. Sometimes they are flighty and impulsive and what we hoped would last forever, typically only lasts a short time with them. That tends to happen with people who are intense at the beginning. They jump into something whole hog, and then they jump out whole hog. You're right not to take it personally.
The thing we can do differently (I discovered after much pain!) is let them go as soon as we figure out what kind of person they are. I got stuck in a cycle of trying and trying to win the guy back. Sometimes he would come back, it would be intense again, and then he'd jump out again. Ouch! That happened too many times.
I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
Aloha Pacific Girl and welcome to the board. You have done the best thing by hooking up with those of us who have been where you are at by having relationships with alcoholics and addicts or who were born and raised in the disease of addiction. Alcoholics and addicts are altered people and normal for them is "altered". I was born and raised in the disease of addiction and the majority of my relationships were with addicts or alcoholics and I am one also. Recovering from alcoholism addiction (same thing really) is a life time endeavor and we have to learn how to think, feel, and act differently. Sorry and that the truth. If you want to try to rescue the relationship and or continue in it I would deeply suggest that you get with the multitude of men, women and even children who have been affected by someone else's drinking and using. We have learned another way of living which is magical and also how to not place our alcoholics on that high a pedestal that they cannot follow thru or believe that they are "greater than". Stick around and keep coming back...the family here is deep, wide and very experienced....read back in the post and come to understand. (((Hugs)))
Welcome PG,
I think as women specifically I get caught up in the what's wrong with me syndrome of why didn't he love me back and I had a few relationships like that.
Something to think about is what does love look like to you .. when I first started alanon love as well as my HP was the size of a bread box and I have learned it's so much more than that. I remember thinking my XAH did this and that with the kids and when I would tell one of my friends what he was doing her response was S .. that's what a dad is SUPPOSE to do .. he doesn't get a medal for showing up and doing what he's suppose to do any more than you do for showing up and doing what a mom does. That put things into perspective for me in terms of how short I was selling myself .. I settled for subpar behavior and I allowed it because I accepted it. It would creep up on me .. I had a boundary and then I moved it .. then my boundary moved again.
One thing that you mention in your post that struck me was the statement "I've dated a recovering alcoholic for two years. The relationship started off amazing, I had never felt loved like that before."
This is all my opinion while we don't give advice .. LOL .. we can have opinions .. so by all means take what you like and leave the rest.
If you have only been dating for 2 years that's still the honeymoon phase and it's said it takes 3 years to actually get to know someone in terms of masks falling off and we all have those .. those are the things where we finally feel "safe" enough for lack of a better term to allow us to shine through. The good, bad and ugly. My XAH was very much what I call a bag and tag in terms of relationships .. he never got to the point where the mask came off until you were knee deep in trouble .. lol. His last relationship was less than a year before they were married and he was desperate to get married to this woman and trust me when I say the mask dropped off within the first 5 months of marriage to the tune of 50k (that's dollars).
My suggestion is keep coming back .. regardless of this man in your life and why it didn't workout .. I know for me I don't want to go down that road again .. if it means putting the brakes on things .. taking things slower .. it was always a matter of who am I before I met this person and who am I after I met the person. I am dating .. I took a 5 year break by choice .. LOL .. I am currently involved with a lovely man .. who comes with his own set of baggage that is his to unpack and share if he chooses to do so. I understand that love is bigger than a bread box .. and I teach people how to treat me.
I am so sorry for your pain because all of the words in the world won't make that hurt stop .. you are not alone and I can tell you based upon the stories here .. you will get through it and this is a wonderful place to begin healing. I do encourage finding a meeting in your area as well as doing as the meetings suggest .. sponsorship, steps and self awareness and discovery .. because the first lesson is .. I am powerless over people places and things. Pretty much stick a noun in it and I'm powerless. It's a freeing space to be in not having to worry about what I think the other person should or should not be doing ( BTW I have a list for my XAH .. LOL .. STILL working on that one .. LOL). Point is you have value and are important .. and it's so important for you to keep healing and growing single or in a relationship.
Hugs S :)
Yep, I agree....addiction usually equals selfishness because they are so into the disease and its all about them, noone else.....welcome to alanon where you will learn how to do self CARE and still have compassion, love and kindness towards others WITH boundaries.......i like what a41 says "self focused in recovery---learning how to give and how not to" and oh yea, its a process......we have online meets here if you cannot get into face to face ones....also we hope you get literature on the steps, slogans and also conference approved literature.....melodie beattie is not alanon approved, i dont' think, but her 12 steps for codependents really is "da bomb" for starting you out on the right track working the steps......share here, read everybody's posts so you can see #1 you are not alone #2, GREAT feedback on this board....this board is my daily therapy....really!!!!!! BIG welcome!!!!
Welcome to the MIP board. I'm sorry you're hurt and confused about the quality of the relationship you had with this man. It sounds like you've learned some things from being involved with him - things you don't want in a partner, that you have courage and willingness to be in a relationship and love yourself enough to ask for help here. I hope you'll keep coming back to continue to share your Alanon progress with us. These growing pains may not feel like recovery progress but at least from my personal experience they were. Every relationship I risk to have with a new person increases my self knowledge. If I'm met with an unacceptable behavior from another person and I recognize it from a past experience, I can reach into my Alanon toolbox and find what honors me as a person who knows they are loved by their higher power and take care of myself in the situation.
I think of Alanon meetings the program as the gift that keeps on giving. The more I'm willing to be honest with myself and the god of my understanding, the more I grow in love and acceptance and knowledge of myself, the less power I give to others to define who I am and my worth. My hp is greater than any person and set my value as priceless. Continuing to work the Alanon program helps to keep my mind and heart connected to that belief.
I hope you'll keep coming back to share with us and I wish you healing concerning ending of your relationship with this guy. You deserve the best. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 7th of July 2017 08:36:10 AM