I feel like a desperately need help. My husband gained sobriety at a very young age and had been sober many years when we were married. I never knew him as an alcoholic and we didn't discuss it very much. After about 16 years of sobriety, I caught him drinking when we were on vacation about 9 years ago. He sluffed it off, but it caused a riff in our marriage. Through the past nine years he became increasingly angry and I would occassionally think that he had been drinking (never drunk). I now know he was basically a dry drunk. So this past summer things went down hill with his personal attitude, he just became an awful person. Then in November he had to go about two hours away to work for a few months. I knew something had happened because he fully disconnected from me. He told me on Christmas Eve he wanted a divorce and I was stunned. Our marriage had been good with no concerns of divorce besides his attitude shift. I experienced a breakdown and he said no I'm not drinking and there's no one else. Told me he didn't love me, it was over period. After him eventually dropping out of sight and communication with me, he came back home the first of April. He confessed that he had a full relapse and had an affair. He had hit bottom. So now he is very serious about his sobriety doing all of the right things, etc. We are in therapy and him in AA daily. He is very depressed and remorseful that he had the affair. He says he just can't figure out how it happened and how he felt like he just lost his mind. So I understand all of it from going to AA with him at open meetings and learning more about the disease. I just can not get over the lengthy five month affair. After fully knowing the circumstances, I feel like this woman wanted him from the start and went after him. Of course he is 100% to blame but she worked for him and knew his financial status, etc. After he cut it off, she has continued to pursue him even though he's made it very clear he wants nothing to do with her. She also contacted me to basically rub my nose in it. It is just all too much to bear. I feel like my world has collapsed. I went to Al-Anon but felt it wasn't helpful; maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance. What am I doing wrong and how do I get over this?
Bo said
Jul 5, 2017
wonderwoman75 wrote:
I feel like a desperately need help. My husband gained sobriety at a very young age and had been sober many years when we were married. I never knew him as an alcoholic and we didn't discuss it very much. After about 16 years of sobriety, I caught him drinking when we were on vacation about 9 years ago. He sluffed it off, but it caused a riff in our marriage. Through the past nine years he became increasingly angry and I would occassionally think that he had been drinking (never drunk). I now know he was basically a dry drunk. So this past summer things went down hill with his personal attitude, he just became an awful person. Then in November he had to go about two hours away to work for a few months. I knew something had happened because he fully disconnected from me. He told me on Christmas Eve he wanted a divorce and I was stunned. Our marriage had been good with no concerns of divorce besides his attitude shift. I experienced a breakdown and he said no I'm not drinking and there's no one else. Told me he didn't love me, it was over period. After him eventually dropping out of sight and communication with me, he came back home the first of April. He confessed that he had a full relapse and had an affair. He had hit bottom. So now he is very serious about his sobriety doing all of the right things, etc. We are in therapy and him in AA daily. He is very depressed and remorseful that he had the affair. He says he just can't figure out how it happened and how he felt like he just lost his mind. So I understand all of it from going to AA with him at open meetings and learning more about the disease. I just can not get over the lengthy five month affair. After fully knowing the circumstances, I feel like this woman wanted him from the start and went after him. Of course he is 100% to blame but she worked for him and knew his financial status, etc. After he cut it off, she has continued to pursue him even though he's made it very clear he wants nothing to do with her. She also contacted me to basically rub my nose in it. It is just all too much to bear. I feel like my world has collapsed. I went to Al-Anon but felt it wasn't helpful; maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance. What am I doing wrong and how do I get over this?
Welcome...even though you felt al-anon wasn't helpful, you are in the right place. That said, I don't think you did anything wrong. Each person is different. Changing the direction you are facing, and moving in a better, healthy direction, sometimes takes time. You didn't get here overnight, thus, you won't get all better overnight. I hope that makes sense to you.
As far as your situation, focus on YOU. Not him, not her, not anyone else. YOU. He is doing what he needs to do, for him, going to AA meetings daily (that's a good thing), and focusing on himself and his recovery. Now, you do the same for you. Go to face to face alanon meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work so that you can also get better, find recovery, etc. Right now you are in it so to speak. You are desperate to "get over this" as you call it. Well, you can't go over it, around it or under it...YOU have to go through it. Pain is inevitable...but suffering is optional.
Buy the daily readers, start reading them, start working with, talking to and meeting with a sponsor.
It -- meaning al-anon -- works if you work it; so work it; you're worth it.
Keep coming back.
Bo said
Jul 5, 2017
By the way -- you have a lot to be grateful for as well. He hit rock bottom. He decided to get better, to get clean and sober. He is now very serious about this recovery, and as you said he is "doing all of the right things" -- all of this happened because he wanted it. You can't do anything about his drinking, wanting to get better, etc. etc. He's going to AA daily -- and you should go to al-anon daily. Try it, again, and again. Try 10 meetings, different ones as well. Each meeting is different, in it's own way. Same principles, same program, slogans, readings, literature, but different people, different vibe, dynamic, etc.
You now have a chance to start doing the work, on yourself...like he is! You need to focus on YOU. You don't have to figure him out, or what he's doing, why he did this, why he did that, etc. That's his job. It is part of his recovery. His recovery is his recovery. And your recovery -- is your recovery. Keep your side of the street clean. Now, if you want to focus on him, why he did this, why he did that, etc. -- OK, that's up to you. Your choice. However, you have a lot to do. You said this is too much to bear, you want to get over this, etc. Al-anon is a program so that we can get better, from the things that are ailing, hurting, damaging us -- the things you are feeling.
This program teaches us to focus on ourselves -- so that we can better.
hotrod said
Jul 5, 2017
Hi Wonderwoman You are not alone. I am saddened to read of your pain and unhappiness. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, chronic, disease over which we are powerless. Alanon is the recovery program established for families of alcoholics, as it was determined that we too need to recover from the devastating effects of living with the insanity of the disease.
Alanon suggests that we try 6 different meetings before deciding if alanon is for us, each meeting is different. Some concentrate on beginners tools, others the Steps. and Traditions, some the slogans or daily reader. I urge you to return to meetings,as it was here that I was given healthy tools that allowed me to let go of my anger, resentment,self pity and fear. My self esteem was restored and i found a supportive network of people who really understand.
Keep coming back
SerenityRUS said
Jul 5, 2017
Good morning WW,
I am truly so sorry for your pain and hurt. Addiction is an awful disease and it reeks havoc not only on the person with the active addiction however everyone it surrounds.
I encourage you as others have to try additional meetings .. it took me a LONG time to feel like I fit and I fought it for a long time because I think I had the attitude that "I was different", and "I could handle it" like no one else and it was the isolation, lying, betrayal and so on that really did a kicker on me.
There is not enough information at this point to know if you are 100% done or not .. I can tell from your posting you are hurt, devastated and so on and in no way am I rationalizing what he did as ok .. you know my belief is active or sober just like the rest of us your spouse is still responsible for his choices.
It is a situation of time takes time .. I just encourage you to invest into yourself and let him focus on his recovery .. this is not about what you did or didn't do .. this is about the fact he did what he did and now how do you find your peace and piece yourself back together.
Alanon is a great place to do so .. working the steps finding a sponsor and just really getting into what did I want. My XAH is my XAH for a reason it wasn't the drinking that did me in it was the affair/s. I wanted more from a relationship and he was unable to provide even the tip of the iceberg as to what I was looking for.
Keep coming back .. you are worth it and it will get better regardless if you stay or choose not to stay that is your decision to make I find it is better to make those decisions based upon being in a more grounded place.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Jul 5, 2017
Welcome to MIP WonderWoman - glad you found us and glad you found the courage to share. I too am sorry for the pain and insanity caused by the disease. When I first went to Al-Anon, my mind was closed and I didn't feel I heard anything helpful. I was so angry at the craziness and drama in my home and so very willing to blame others and the disease. I did not want to admit that I participated in any of the insanity - I wanted a fast cure for them thinking I would heal if only they'd change.
I chose more insanity and then returned. I went with an open mind to a different group and did feel I was in the right place. I learned how the disease affects me, my thinking, my relationships, etc. I was provided tools in program to help me cope, deal and heal. I'm grateful for recovery, MIP, the program and those who came before me - they were patient and so very good at allowing me to find my path and place in the rooms.
Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery! Glad you are here!
mamalioness said
Jul 5, 2017
Bo wrote:
Welcome...even though you felt al-anon wasn't helpful, you are in the right place. That said, I don't think you did anything wrong. Each person is different. Changing the direction you are facing, and moving in a better, healthy direction, sometimes takes time. You didn't get here overnight, thus, you won't get all better overnight. I hope that makes sense to you.As far as your situation, focus on YOU. Not him, not her, not anyone else. YOU. He is doing what he needs to do, for him, going to AA meetings daily (that's a good thing), and focusing on himself and his recovery. Now, you do the same for you. Go to face to face alanon meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work so that you can also get better, find recovery, etc. Right now you are in it so to speak. You are desperate to "get over this" as you call it. Well, you can't go over it, around it or under it...YOU have to go through it. Pain is inevitable...but suffering is optional.
Buy the daily readers, start reading them, start working with, talking to and meeting with a sponsor.
It -- meaning al-anon -- works if you work it; so work it; you're worth it.
Keep coming back.
again, I 2nd Bo...You have to go through the pain to get through the pain....this alanon is all about you, taking care of and healing you.....its not about him...focus is on you...Basically you have to let him know that "he has to work this out on his own because you have your OWN life to save"....getting cheated on this the rock bottom slap down to me.....AND, to me, a cheater is a cheater....the alcohol only removes the inhibitions over something that is kinda in them anyway...that said, after months in alanon, you may want to stay or leave, but don't do anything until your mind and decision making is much healthier....for me??? the affair would be a deal breaker b/c the trust would go down teh tubes and research backs me up....a beater is a beater a cheater is a cheater....lots of men don't act on it b/c they are not drinking and removing the inhibitions....so they don't act upon it...get drunk?? barriers go down and they act out.....like Bo said, work your program for YOU about YOU to heal YOU...let him work his own demons out...this is gonna be a long hard road...if you can come to forgive the adultery and he stays sober and clean and faithful to you, you can make this work, me??? i wold never trust again and that would be it for me, but that is just ME....some women stay and fight it out and they make it work ONLY because they get into alanon and they make THEMSELVES healthier and better equipped to take care of them.....I would look into becoming more independent..if you do'nt work?? find a job while you do your meetings and your steps, slogans with a good sponsor....get yourself so YOU can take care of YOU, financially, mentally, emotionally and you can do that with alanon....I never tell a person what to do, i know I can "push the envelope" at times saying what I would/would not do, but this choice is up to you and you alone.....IF he works a strong program and STAYS with it, never leaves it, you got a shot at making this work , IF you want it to....either way, you will be a stronger, healthier, more independent YOU working with this program......so sorry you had to go through so much pain....like Bo said...pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice....when your mind clears after months of recovery, THEN you can sit down...assess....decide what you want to do to make YOUR life the life you deserve..............IN SUPPORT
Enigmatic said
Jul 5, 2017
Welcome ww, glad you are here...trying to deal with the effects of alcohol with just my own sense of what was right, wrong, helpful brought me to a point of dispair and frustration that was entirely consuming. I decided to give AlAnon a try for four weeks and found the perspective of the program incredibly helpful, and the simple tools that were recommended reduced my feelings of desperation and resentment dramatically.
It is not my place to say what anyone else is doing "wrong" or "right", or what you "should" do now...that is a choice that is yours to determine and I am sure you will find your way. I do hope you keep AlAnon in mind because of relief I found there and the many I have seen who have benefited. Thoughts and prayers your way as you find your path, glad to have you along on the journey
mamalioness said
Jul 5, 2017
I reeeeely hope I kept the focus on me when I posted...seems I did...but anway, totally agree with enigmatic....its not MY place, either, to say what anyone else should do...i try to keep the focus on me..my experiences, my take, etc......I'm glad you are here...I do hope you hang with us and get your teeth into the program....it is the best
milkwood said
Jul 6, 2017
Welcome to Mip Wonderwoman,
This placed helped me a lot when I found myself in a very similar situation to yours and I can completely relate to your feeling that the world has collapsed, I remember thinking the same thing. With hindsight I can see that in a way my world did collapse - I thought AH and I had a really solid bedrock in our marriage and in many ways it was part of who I thought I was. To find out that had changed, and to experience my rage at what had happened, all that just felt incredible, but that was what happened and as I came to accept it, I learnt that none of it needed to define the new me that I was creating.
I invested a lot of energy in trying to understand though, and to a degree tried to alleviate my husband's shame and it took me a while to realise that actually that was his journey and that I needed to process my own feelings and to restore my own self-esteem (and to figure out what that would take!!) instead. My husband wanted me to 'put it all behind us' but actually I really needed to adjust in my own time and to learn to stand up for what I needed. I tried to still be mindful that my husband also had his own journey to deal with, ie stopping drinking and working on his own recovery, but gave the same importance to my own journey as well.
I used this period of adjustment to be a bit more selfish, and learnt to drop the guilt that made me feel. I set out to do things that I had wanted to do for years, just for myself. I started small, and ended up going to university (in my fifties - yay!!). Al Anon helped me to learn to have and protect my own joy in life, regardless of what others are doing. I will always have the option of walking away if that is what is right for me. For now I chose to stay, but on a rolling contract !! . I think I was lucky with my first Al Anon meeting because there were people there who managed to laugh, despite all that they were coping with and I wanted to be like that again myself.
We are worth the investment I think! I'm so sorry that your world has been rocked like this, it sucks, and I'm so pleased that you reached out as well. ((((Hugs))))
Jayla said
Jul 6, 2017
((Hugs)) WW75. I just wanted to write and reinforce that you are not alone! As you have seen/read many of us have had this happen to us as well and understand how you feel, including me. My AH had an affair and I too struggle with the anger at what he did and sadness that he threw our family away for something so cheap. Unlike your husband, he won't come clean about what he did and won't make any changes to try to get me back (just wants me to "forget it.") He has NO INTEREST in sobriety. There are a few silver linings in your story even in the midst of all the bad. Hang in there and treat yourself to whatever nice things you can while you go through this.
happymoe said
Jul 8, 2017
Many people can relate, and I like Bo's words. Husband had an affair 4 years into recovery, then he relapsed a year ago after 9 sober. I don't see things as unrelated - he's reaching outside. But that's not my issue to fix. Mine is to create the home I never felt, and now for our son. He's back in rehab "doing all the right things" halfway through his 90 days, actually. But the affair took me quite some time. Like 5 years, to come to terms.
andromeda said
Jul 8, 2017
Although my XAH didn't have an affair, he was a dry drunk and didn't drink for the first 15 years of our marriage. I never expected the fallout that would come when he started drinking again and then everything started to come together.
I had to learn to put the focus on ME, no matter what my ex was doing. If he was trying recovery, I was still working mine. If he started to drink again, I was still working mine. It took me about 6 months to feel comfortable going to Al Anon meetings and another 6 before I found a sponsor. You don't have to have all the answers today. Just do what you need to do today to take care of you. One day at a time!
Iamhere said
Jul 8, 2017
Welcome to MIP happy moe - glad you found us and joined right in! Keep coming back!!
I feel like a desperately need help. My husband gained sobriety at a very young age and had been sober many years when we were married. I never knew him as an alcoholic and we didn't discuss it very much. After about 16 years of sobriety, I caught him drinking when we were on vacation about 9 years ago. He sluffed it off, but it caused a riff in our marriage. Through the past nine years he became increasingly angry and I would occassionally think that he had been drinking (never drunk). I now know he was basically a dry drunk. So this past summer things went down hill with his personal attitude, he just became an awful person. Then in November he had to go about two hours away to work for a few months. I knew something had happened because he fully disconnected from me. He told me on Christmas Eve he wanted a divorce and I was stunned. Our marriage had been good with no concerns of divorce besides his attitude shift. I experienced a breakdown and he said no I'm not drinking and there's no one else. Told me he didn't love me, it was over period. After him eventually dropping out of sight and communication with me, he came back home the first of April. He confessed that he had a full relapse and had an affair. He had hit bottom. So now he is very serious about his sobriety doing all of the right things, etc. We are in therapy and him in AA daily. He is very depressed and remorseful that he had the affair. He says he just can't figure out how it happened and how he felt like he just lost his mind. So I understand all of it from going to AA with him at open meetings and learning more about the disease. I just can not get over the lengthy five month affair. After fully knowing the circumstances, I feel like this woman wanted him from the start and went after him. Of course he is 100% to blame but she worked for him and knew his financial status, etc. After he cut it off, she has continued to pursue him even though he's made it very clear he wants nothing to do with her. She also contacted me to basically rub my nose in it. It is just all too much to bear. I feel like my world has collapsed. I went to Al-Anon but felt it wasn't helpful; maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance. What am I doing wrong and how do I get over this?
Welcome...even though you felt al-anon wasn't helpful, you are in the right place. That said, I don't think you did anything wrong. Each person is different. Changing the direction you are facing, and moving in a better, healthy direction, sometimes takes time. You didn't get here overnight, thus, you won't get all better overnight. I hope that makes sense to you.
As far as your situation, focus on YOU. Not him, not her, not anyone else. YOU. He is doing what he needs to do, for him, going to AA meetings daily (that's a good thing), and focusing on himself and his recovery. Now, you do the same for you. Go to face to face alanon meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work so that you can also get better, find recovery, etc. Right now you are in it so to speak. You are desperate to "get over this" as you call it. Well, you can't go over it, around it or under it...YOU have to go through it. Pain is inevitable...but suffering is optional.
Buy the daily readers, start reading them, start working with, talking to and meeting with a sponsor.
It -- meaning al-anon -- works if you work it; so work it; you're worth it.
Keep coming back.
You now have a chance to start doing the work, on yourself...like he is! You need to focus on YOU. You don't have to figure him out, or what he's doing, why he did this, why he did that, etc. That's his job. It is part of his recovery. His recovery is his recovery. And your recovery -- is your recovery. Keep your side of the street clean. Now, if you want to focus on him, why he did this, why he did that, etc. -- OK, that's up to you. Your choice. However, you have a lot to do. You said this is too much to bear, you want to get over this, etc. Al-anon is a program so that we can get better, from the things that are ailing, hurting, damaging us -- the things you are feeling.
This program teaches us to focus on ourselves -- so that we can better.
Alanon suggests that we try 6 different meetings before deciding if alanon is for us, each meeting is different. Some concentrate on beginners tools, others the Steps. and Traditions, some the slogans or daily reader. I urge you to return to meetings,as it was here that I was given healthy tools that allowed me to let go of my anger, resentment,self pity and fear. My self esteem was restored and i found a supportive network of people who really understand.
Keep coming back
I am truly so sorry for your pain and hurt. Addiction is an awful disease and it reeks havoc not only on the person with the active addiction however everyone it surrounds.
I encourage you as others have to try additional meetings .. it took me a LONG time to feel like I fit and I fought it for a long time because I think I had the attitude that "I was different", and "I could handle it" like no one else and it was the isolation, lying, betrayal and so on that really did a kicker on me.
There is not enough information at this point to know if you are 100% done or not .. I can tell from your posting you are hurt, devastated and so on and in no way am I rationalizing what he did as ok .. you know my belief is active or sober just like the rest of us your spouse is still responsible for his choices.
It is a situation of time takes time .. I just encourage you to invest into yourself and let him focus on his recovery .. this is not about what you did or didn't do .. this is about the fact he did what he did and now how do you find your peace and piece yourself back together.
Alanon is a great place to do so .. working the steps finding a sponsor and just really getting into what did I want. My XAH is my XAH for a reason it wasn't the drinking that did me in it was the affair/s. I wanted more from a relationship and he was unable to provide even the tip of the iceberg as to what I was looking for.
Keep coming back .. you are worth it and it will get better regardless if you stay or choose not to stay that is your decision to make I find it is better to make those decisions based upon being in a more grounded place.
Hugs S :)
I chose more insanity and then returned. I went with an open mind to a different group and did feel I was in the right place. I learned how the disease affects me, my thinking, my relationships, etc. I was provided tools in program to help me cope, deal and heal. I'm grateful for recovery, MIP, the program and those who came before me - they were patient and so very good at allowing me to find my path and place in the rooms.
Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery! Glad you are here!
again, I 2nd Bo...You have to go through the pain to get through the pain....this alanon is all about you, taking care of and healing you.....its not about him...focus is on you...Basically you have to let him know that "he has to work this out on his own because you have your OWN life to save"....getting cheated on this the rock bottom slap down to me.....AND, to me, a cheater is a cheater....the alcohol only removes the inhibitions over something that is kinda in them anyway...that said, after months in alanon, you may want to stay or leave, but don't do anything until your mind and decision making is much healthier....for me??? the affair would be a deal breaker b/c the trust would go down teh tubes and research backs me up....a beater is a beater a cheater is a cheater....lots of men don't act on it b/c they are not drinking and removing the inhibitions....so they don't act upon it...get drunk?? barriers go down and they act out.....like Bo said, work your program for YOU about YOU to heal YOU...let him work his own demons out...this is gonna be a long hard road...if you can come to forgive the adultery and he stays sober and clean and faithful to you, you can make this work, me??? i wold never trust again and that would be it for me, but that is just ME....some women stay and fight it out and they make it work ONLY because they get into alanon and they make THEMSELVES healthier and better equipped to take care of them.....I would look into becoming more independent..if you do'nt work?? find a job while you do your meetings and your steps, slogans with a good sponsor....get yourself so YOU can take care of YOU, financially, mentally, emotionally and you can do that with alanon....I never tell a person what to do, i know I can "push the envelope" at times saying what I would/would not do, but this choice is up to you and you alone.....IF he works a strong program and STAYS with it, never leaves it, you got a shot at making this work , IF you want it to....either way, you will be a stronger, healthier, more independent YOU working with this program......so sorry you had to go through so much pain....like Bo said...pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice....when your mind clears after months of recovery, THEN you can sit down...assess....decide what you want to do to make YOUR life the life you deserve..............IN SUPPORT
It is not my place to say what anyone else is doing "wrong" or "right", or what you "should" do now...that is a choice that is yours to determine and I am sure you will find your way. I do hope you keep AlAnon in mind because of relief I found there and the many I have seen who have benefited. Thoughts and prayers your way as you find your path, glad to have you along on the journey
This placed helped me a lot when I found myself in a very similar situation to yours and I can completely relate to your feeling that the world has collapsed, I remember thinking the same thing. With hindsight I can see that in a way my world did collapse - I thought AH and I had a really solid bedrock in our marriage and in many ways it was part of who I thought I was. To find out that had changed, and to experience my rage at what had happened, all that just felt incredible, but that was what happened and as I came to accept it, I learnt that none of it needed to define the new me that I was creating.
I invested a lot of energy in trying to understand though, and to a degree tried to alleviate my husband's shame and it took me a while to realise that actually that was his journey and that I needed to process my own feelings and to restore my own self-esteem (and to figure out what that would take!!) instead. My husband wanted me to 'put it all behind us' but actually I really needed to adjust in my own time and to learn to stand up for what I needed. I tried to still be mindful that my husband also had his own journey to deal with, ie stopping drinking and working on his own recovery, but gave the same importance to my own journey as well.
I used this period of adjustment to be a bit more selfish, and learnt to drop the guilt that made me feel. I set out to do things that I had wanted to do for years, just for myself. I started small, and ended up going to university (in my fifties - yay!!). Al Anon helped me to learn to have and protect my own joy in life, regardless of what others are doing. I will always have the option of walking away if that is what is right for me. For now I chose to stay, but on a rolling contract !!
We are worth the investment I think! I'm so sorry that your world has been rocked like this, it sucks, and I'm so pleased that you reached out as well. ((((Hugs))))
I had to learn to put the focus on ME, no matter what my ex was doing. If he was trying recovery, I was still working mine. If he started to drink again, I was still working mine. It took me about 6 months to feel comfortable going to Al Anon meetings and another 6 before I found a sponsor. You don't have to have all the answers today. Just do what you need to do today to take care of you. One day at a time!