I would like to find support from other parents of an alcoholic. For me it feels different when it's your child who is struggling with addiction. No one wants to lose a loved one but a parent especially doesn't want to lose their child.
hotrod said
Jul 4, 2017
Welcome Arda Alcoholism is indeed a progressive chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless. I have found that attempting to cope with this disease in a child.is extremely difficult even though the tools that I used to cope with my alcoholic husband's disease are the same,
Reading the daily readers, living one day at a time, attending meetings, securing a sponsor and working the steps, all helped me to stay detached from the insanity and continue to love my son.
There are many parents of children with the disease on the board and I hope that youwill feel their support. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities also have many parents in attendance . I suggest that you search out these meetings and keep coming back
Taraxacum1 said
Jul 4, 2017
I want to share my love for you and this situation - my son is 5 and his future is yet to be and yet I feel a strong connection to parents of alcoholics. For my AH it is a family disease, his parents and grandparents are alcoholics maybe more generations beyond that. It is so far out of my control and part of me wishes I could shield my 5 year old or undo that part of who he is but I fear part of the disease is living in his genes and he will have to learn to cope with it.
We love our children so fiercely it is painful when they are sick or suffering. I'm holding you in my heart, and gathering strength from the other parents in the Al-Anon program. I try to remember alcoholism is a disease, one of many diseases that can be hereditary and one that does not need to define us. I am with you on this journey, as are so many others, thank you for sharing and please keep coming back
Jerry F said
Jul 4, 2017
Aloha Arda and welcome to the board...this is indeed the most experienced and supportive place to be at. It will take some time to understand and if you keep coming back with an open mind you will be comforted with the understanding. My son is fully a human being and an alcoholic addict which is also my disease. When we are together he is that child of God that I want to be treated like also and so I do. He is a sick diseased person...not a bad one. The fellowship of Al-Anon has taught me a lot about this disease I was born and raised into thru generation and today I am alive and sane...what a miracle huh?
Please keep coming back and consider the suggestions as you have receive from others in this family...we are family and we do this together. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Jul 4, 2017
Hello Arda - I too welcome you to MIP. My children (25 and 23) are 4th - possibly 5th generation within the disease. It's very, very hard to use the tools, program, steps, etc. when the qualifier is a child, but it does work. I do all that I can to be kind, respectful and concerned for my sons while keeping a boundary up for self-preservation.
Like Jerry says - it's a disease ... not a choice. My hope is you will look for some face to face meetings and attend. That's where I found local support who listened and encouraged me and truly understood. They are still my go-to when I need support or just one to listen as those outside the disease just do not understand.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
lgnutah said
Jul 4, 2017
Welcome Arda
This board has given me much support since I first started coming here more than 3 years ago.
In the beginning, I couldn't figure out what was going on with my adult A daughter. She left home in her college years, and seemed just not to make progress with her life.
She married an abuser and things wen rapidly downhill after that. She divorced and still managed to finish college but never could seem to move forward after that-never got a college related job and in fact stopped working.
She is now in mid 30's and her life becomes more and more chaotic (though she claims to have no alcohol or addiction issues, I believe her self medicating with alcohol and drugs has contributed to her poor mental health).
She has no medical insurance and states that free help (like AA or support groups) is for losers.
So, I work on taking care of me, setting boundaries, trying to be loving to her without letting her situation be the focus of my day.
Keep coming back Arda.
mamalioness said
Jul 4, 2017
my daughter is clean now for 5 years, 2 months......I had to let her go to jail 5 1/2 years ago to get to this point...I love her with all my being, but I knew that the change would have to come from within her....I don't mention her much on the boards because she is "OK today" and we are working our program together...she tells me everyday that I am the best mom a girl could have and that she is so sorry she married a druggie and got into his using, breaking my heart that way.......i told her that is yesterday and we have today and the rest of our lives together....and yea, this is generational, being in the disease...my CoDa probably, I made mistakes, being too protective of her, I don't know, she told her sponsor that I was her little hero mom and she was grateful that I let her go to jail..did not interfere in her punishmet (1 year term) b/c it was my only hope that she would get help....i still hang onto her but with a very loose rein b/c #1 she is adult and a mom and grandmom herself and #2, i have to let her live her path..learn her own lessons...and yes, be loving and there for her when appropriate, but if she gets high again??? I will let her suffer the consequences....its is a disease...it is never curable..just manageable with program...and I always work on taking care of me....setting boundaries....I give thanks each day that she is clean (5 years and 2 months, now) and shes is working her program great!!! she sounds so good..focused...AND she knows that she is clean ONE day at a time......
I have 2 adopted daughters...one is CoDa , working her program...the other is the abusive one to me...I have given her info on alanon (her dad is the alkie...he and I were friends--never a marriage prospect b/c of his drinking but I did share the daughter with him to give her a stable upbringing) like I said, I have given her info on alanon but she thinks she "doesn't need it" the other adoptee, I have is a sweetheart and very very good working her alanon and her CoDa, so ya know??? its hard...heartbreaking to be brutally honest, but I have kept my sanity this past 14 years in recovery b/c I worked the bee jeebers out of the program...steps...slogans....meetings...good sponsors.....I did it all...literature....not all of it conference approved, but it was 12 steps oriented and it saved my sanity b/c I had my OWN childhood demons to battle....
I am glad you showed up here and I hope you stay with us and hang out, if you can't find meets face to face, they have them here.....the big thing is working the above mentioned things I said AND peer to peer support andthat is in abundance in this wonderful community.....so far, this past little over 5 years has been "ok" save for the abusive one I am majorally stepping back from....I want my peace...safety...serenity...keep it simple....no drama.....no toxic people.....I am too old for this crap!!!!! if i don't take care of me, noone else will.....
Arda said
Jul 5, 2017
Thank you for the encouragement. I pray for your son.
Arda said
Jul 5, 2017
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It gives me hope that my daughter will someday be willing to seek and accept the help she needs. But For now I will be learning how to take care of myself. Thank you for the support. It helps to know other parents have made it through this.
mamalioness said
Jul 6, 2017
Arda, we are here...post all you want...sometimes just venting does the trick...gets ya through the day.....when I joined up with THIS board, happily for me, my girl was in Jail, then she got out...goofed up once but it was BAD and she ended up locked up again and THIS time for a year....that was our salvation!!! She was forced to choose....a life of ruin or a life of cleanliness, hope, future, stability....she even , in the jail, was able to get therapy in addition to her 12 steps meets......this jail was wonderful (sounds weird, but it had the best programs) when she got out 5+ years ago, she was different girl...and just keeps getting better.....but she knows...she knows, that anyone can slip if they are not vigilent on their program....she is really big on her meets, steps, etc., and we talk about program stuff all the time.......so yea, where there is life there has to be hope...hang in there
serenity47 said
Jul 7, 2017
Welcome Arda. You are not alone. I came crawling to these boards about two years ago when things were very very bad with my daughter. I honestly had no hope and was completely immersed in trying to save and rescue her as I felt as her mother that was my job. My daughter was raised in a stable, loving environment and was taught from an early age the dangers of alcohol and drugs and the hereditary risk etc. Nothing that I said or did stopped her during that time. I drove myself to the point of complete exhaustion, begged, pleaded, yelled, bartered and nothing changed she got worse. She is now 19 months sober with one relapse. She had to make a complete change in her life, moved far way from us and her old crowd and is fully immersed in the 12 step programs following rehab. Our relationship is slowly improving day by day. I am beginning to trust her again and more importantly I am beginning to trust myself that I know what I need to be doing. I enabled her for a long time as she was very young when this all began (16). I still have to be very vigilant about minding my own business and overdoing for her. It has been a long and challenging road but I am very grateful that for today she is sober and doing very well. She has told me that she wasn't ready to quit until she had run out of options and had no where to go. As long as we were there to clean up her mess her desire to change was not great. I had to examine my part in it and work daily to stay on my side of the street. Where there is life there is hope. Take care of you, find a good supportive group if you do not have one.
Arda said
Jul 7, 2017
Serenity 47 thank you so much. Your comments were very helpful to me.
newnoz said
Jul 9, 2017
Hi Arda,
When my children were 15 and 13 we put my then 15 yo son in a substance abuse ward. I didn't think the problem was drugs or alcohol but I was proven wrong.
From here on in everything that happened i thought was horrible turned out to be wonderful. My darling 13yo daughter told me 2 weeks later, after attending a 12 step meeting that she thought she was an alcoholic. After a whole lot of discussion she went into rehab too. So at this point i figured i was the worst mother ever even though both my kids told me otherwise and so did the rehab councillors. I had yet to understand that alcoholism is a disease and that nothing i could do would make any difference. I also came to understand that there may be a genetic component to this since they had 2 alcoholic grandfathers.
It took me a while to get myself in program but once i did i started adding meetings so that I was in a meeting 5 days or nights a week and in therapy another night. the 12 steps gave our family so much.
Now my daughter has 20+ years sober. She works her program not me and i work my program. Occasionally one of us forgets that the only person who can achieve recovery is that person. My son i believe is still sober but he refuses to speak to me but that is A WHOLE OTHER STORY. Also it's not terribly on topic except to say i use the same tools that Al-Anon taught me years ago to deal with it.
I have 2 children who are leading useful lives and so am i. I can't tell you what a huge difference there is in me compared with pre Al-Anon. I am incredibly grateful and the longer i stay the better it gets.
There have been ups and downs but I handle everything better now. In my humble opinion of course LOL
Nora
Iamhere said
Jul 9, 2017
Thank you Nora for that lovely, lovely share! Keep coming back!
I would like to find support from other parents of an alcoholic. For me it feels different when it's your child who is struggling with addiction. No one wants to lose a loved one but a parent especially doesn't want to lose their child.
Welcome Arda Alcoholism is indeed a progressive chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless. I have found that attempting to cope with this disease in a child.is extremely difficult even though the tools that I used to cope with my alcoholic husband's disease are the same,
Reading the daily readers, living one day at a time, attending meetings, securing a sponsor and working the steps, all helped me to stay detached from the insanity and continue to love my son.
There are many parents of children with the disease on the board and I hope that youwill feel their support. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities also have many parents in attendance . I suggest that you search out these meetings and keep coming back
Aloha Arda and welcome to the board...this is indeed the most experienced and supportive place to be at. It will take some time to understand and if you keep coming back with an open mind you will be comforted with the understanding. My son is fully a human being and an alcoholic addict which is also my disease. When we are together he is that child of God that I want to be treated like also and so I do. He is a sick diseased person...not a bad one. The fellowship of Al-Anon has taught me a lot about this disease I was born and raised into thru generation and today I am alive and sane...what a miracle huh?
Please keep coming back and consider the suggestions as you have receive from others in this family...we are family and we do this together. ((((hugs))))
Like Jerry says - it's a disease ... not a choice. My hope is you will look for some face to face meetings and attend. That's where I found local support who listened and encouraged me and truly understood. They are still my go-to when I need support or just one to listen as those outside the disease just do not understand.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
This board has given me much support since I first started coming here more than 3 years ago.
In the beginning, I couldn't figure out what was going on with my adult A daughter. She left home in her college years, and seemed just not to make progress with her life.
She married an abuser and things wen rapidly downhill after that. She divorced and still managed to finish college but never could seem to move forward after that-never got a college related job and in fact stopped working.
She is now in mid 30's and her life becomes more and more chaotic (though she claims to have no alcohol or addiction issues, I believe her self medicating with alcohol and drugs has contributed to her poor mental health).
She has no medical insurance and states that free help (like AA or support groups) is for losers.
So, I work on taking care of me, setting boundaries, trying to be loving to her without letting her situation be the focus of my day.
Keep coming back Arda.
I have 2 adopted daughters...one is CoDa , working her program...the other is the abusive one to me...I have given her info on alanon (her dad is the alkie...he and I were friends--never a marriage prospect b/c of his drinking but I did share the daughter with him to give her a stable upbringing) like I said, I have given her info on alanon but she thinks she "doesn't need it" the other adoptee, I have is a sweetheart and very very good working her alanon and her CoDa, so ya know??? its hard...heartbreaking to be brutally honest, but I have kept my sanity this past 14 years in recovery b/c I worked the bee jeebers out of the program...steps...slogans....meetings...good sponsors.....I did it all...literature....not all of it conference approved, but it was 12 steps oriented and it saved my sanity b/c I had my OWN childhood demons to battle....
I am glad you showed up here and I hope you stay with us and hang out, if you can't find meets face to face, they have them here.....the big thing is working the above mentioned things I said AND peer to peer support andthat is in abundance in this wonderful community.....so far, this past little over 5 years has been "ok" save for the abusive one I am majorally stepping back from....I want my peace...safety...serenity...keep it simple....no drama.....no toxic people.....I am too old for this crap!!!!! if i don't take care of me, noone else will.....
Thank you for the encouragement. I pray for your son.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It gives me hope that my daughter will someday be willing to seek and accept the help she needs. But For now I will be learning how to take care of myself. Thank you for the support. It helps to know other parents have made it through this.
Hi Arda,
When my children were 15 and 13 we put my then 15 yo son in a substance abuse ward. I didn't think the problem was drugs or alcohol but I was proven wrong.
From here on in everything that happened i thought was horrible turned out to be wonderful. My darling 13yo daughter told me 2 weeks later, after attending a 12 step meeting that she thought she was an alcoholic. After a whole lot of discussion she went into rehab too. So at this point i figured i was the worst mother ever even though both my kids told me otherwise and so did the rehab councillors. I had yet to understand that alcoholism is a disease and that nothing i could do would make any difference. I also came to understand that there may be a genetic component to this since they had 2 alcoholic grandfathers.
It took me a while to get myself in program but once i did i started adding meetings so that I was in a meeting 5 days or nights a week and in therapy another night. the 12 steps gave our family so much.
Now my daughter has 20+ years sober. She works her program not me and i work my program. Occasionally one of us forgets that the only person who can achieve recovery is that person. My son i believe is still sober but he refuses to speak to me but that is A WHOLE OTHER STORY. Also it's not terribly on topic except to say i use the same tools that Al-Anon taught me years ago to deal with it.
I have 2 children who are leading useful lives and so am i. I can't tell you what a huge difference there is in me compared with pre Al-Anon. I am incredibly grateful and the longer i stay the better it gets.
There have been ups and downs but I handle everything better now. In my humble opinion of course LOL
Nora