I haven't been on this board for quite some time. I reread my old post and the responses and unfortunately, I am insane (doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results). My husband continues to relapse despite nearly dying from an overdose just over a year ago, and another overdose a couple of weeks ago which caused him to have heart problems and pnemonia. I know I can't change him, and I knew what I was getting into when we got married. I had expectations... that he would find his way past the relapsing and have a great family life. My daughter is now 2 and a half, and she will really start to notice when Daddy disappears. I am praying that God shows me the right thing to do, as I am seriously considering separating for at least a year.
It's difficult for me to attend Alanon meetings for several reasons, but I am willing to try to make it to one a week. I have a temporary Alanon sponsor, have been doing online video meetings, listening to speaker tapes and have been thinking about picking up the book "Co-dependent No More". I am a "double-winner" and also work my recovery daily. Any other suggestions/ thoughts/ what worked for you /my separating from him? Thanks, everyone.
-- Edited by misterpiko on Sunday 2nd of July 2017 04:49:32 AM
Aline said
Jul 2, 2017
Hi and welcome back to MIP :) I hope you do make it back to f2f meetings. I had a meeting this Thursday that turned out to be one of the most encouraging and hope-filled meetings I've attended, and I don't think I could have captured the wonderful experience as fully if I wasn't sitting there with everyone right beside me. Keep coming back!
misterpiko said
Jul 2, 2017
Thank you Aline. I have some extra help with my daughter for the next couple of weeks so I'm looking forward to attending some f2f Alanon meetings.
-- Edited by misterpiko on Sunday 2nd of July 2017 05:19:40 PM
Iamhere said
Jul 2, 2017
Hey there - welcome back. I am also a double-winner so that part I can relate to. I tend to over-think and over-complicate most things, so when I get serious about Al-Anon, I was baffled how 'best' to integrate the two.....what I finally decided is they are both very, very similar and I just need to focus on me, my recovery, my sanity and stop over-analyzing everything.
I go to meetings for both, I (am blessed) have the same sponsor for both and do service for both. I sponsor for both and I just keep the basics front and center in my mind - ODAT, Steps 1,2,3 and 11 daily, etc. My emotions were all over the place - I was shocked first that I had to go through this (and angry at God because I thought I deserved way better as I was sober (EGO)) then angry, then sad, then angry, etc. The grieving process for 'what I had thought would be my life' was painful and hard...lean heavily into your sponsor - mine truly carried me when I would fall.
The way I look at my recovery is AA helped me to better understand me, my relationship with substances and how it affected my life and gave me a blueprint for living substance free. Al-Anon helped me to better understand my relationship with others, why I tend to align with addictive types and how I try to own their mess/pain. AA saved my life and helped me better understand why I try to escape with substances and Al-Anon saved my sanity and enhanced my relationship with self/God.
I don't know if that helps - night time is not prime time for me and thinking....but please know you are not alone. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Bo said
Jul 3, 2017
And the program is still here. LOL. Welcome back. Well, you certainly are starting off in the right direction -- face to face meetings, a (temporary) sponsor, and you desire to get better (doing the work everyday).
The separating thing can be difficult. Very difficult. Whether it be co-dependency, or anything else for that matter, that "desire" or "compulsion" or whatever you want to call it, can seem insurmountable. For me, the "detachment" and the separating had two sides of the coin so to speak -- the physical detachment/separation and the emotional detachment/separation. They were related, different, distinct, and both extremely difficult. Early on, for me, it was due to desperation and survival. I was driving myself crazy every single day with the full-time job -- trying to fix it, control it, prove to her she was ruining her life, my life, trying to convince her, get her to stop, beg, plead, threaten, leave, stay, find out what she was doing, who she was with, and so on. It was emotionally and physically draining and exhausting. I kept trying to figure out why she was doing all this, and that too was driving me crazy. THis is an enigmatic, confusing, progressive, baffling, cunning, insidious, and decimating disease -- for the alcoholic, and it certainly can be for the people around them, their loved ones, family, etc.
While I was in desperation and survival mode, I still fought it. I had to do something. Right? Well, the question was -- what do I do and was it healthy, for her and for me. I learned that I could be there for her, but in a very different way than I had been, and it could be in a healthy and supportive way; both for her and for me. How? Well, I worked with sponsor, a lot. I experienced a paradigm shift, in my thinking, mindset, methodology, etc. I got this from going to a lot of meetings, doing a lot of readings, and talking to my sponsor a lot. I looked at my role, my contribution -- not to her drinking, but to all of the drama, chaos and turmoil, the arguing, the fighting, the back and forth of stress and anxiety (although it wasn't stress and anxiety for her all the time, LOL). I learned that pain was inevitable and suffering was optional -- and I didn't want to keep feeling the way I was feeling. Nothing changes if nothing changes...So, I changed. I was doing a lot of the "why" thing and analyzing everything. I stopped. I didn't need to know why, I just needed to fix myself and stop doing what I was doing. I stopped with the excuses and denial. I started to feel better right away. Much of this started with acceptance. I immersed myself in it. Absolute, complete and total acceptance. I focused on the next thing in front of me -- whether it was paperwork at the office, folding laundry, cooking a meal, whatever it was, I did it with a laser precision focus, an intensity, that I wouldn't and couldn't think about anything or anyone else. It became a challenge, and one that I wasn't going to allow to defeat me. And that proved to me I could do it. I could change my thinking. I could get better. Sometimes 60 seconds at a time. But I could. And I did.
I haven't been on this board for quite some time. I reread my old post and the responses and unfortunately, I am insane (doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results). My husband continues to relapse despite nearly dying from an overdose just over a year ago, and another overdose a couple of weeks ago which caused him to have heart problems and pnemonia. I know I can't change him, and I knew what I was getting into when we got married. I had expectations... that he would find his way past the relapsing and have a great family life. My daughter is now 2 and a half, and she will really start to notice when Daddy disappears. I am praying that God shows me the right thing to do, as I am seriously considering separating for at least a year.
It's difficult for me to attend Alanon meetings for several reasons, but I am willing to try to make it to one a week. I have a temporary Alanon sponsor, have been doing online video meetings, listening to speaker tapes and have been thinking about picking up the book "Co-dependent No More". I am a "double-winner" and also work my recovery daily. Any other suggestions/ thoughts/ what worked for you /my separating from him? Thanks, everyone.
-- Edited by misterpiko on Sunday 2nd of July 2017 04:49:32 AM
Thank you Aline. I have some extra help with my daughter for the next couple of weeks so I'm looking forward to attending some f2f Alanon meetings.
-- Edited by misterpiko on Sunday 2nd of July 2017 05:19:40 PM
I go to meetings for both, I (am blessed) have the same sponsor for both and do service for both. I sponsor for both and I just keep the basics front and center in my mind - ODAT, Steps 1,2,3 and 11 daily, etc. My emotions were all over the place - I was shocked first that I had to go through this (and angry at God because I thought I deserved way better as I was sober (EGO)) then angry, then sad, then angry, etc. The grieving process for 'what I had thought would be my life' was painful and hard...lean heavily into your sponsor - mine truly carried me when I would fall.
The way I look at my recovery is AA helped me to better understand me, my relationship with substances and how it affected my life and gave me a blueprint for living substance free. Al-Anon helped me to better understand my relationship with others, why I tend to align with addictive types and how I try to own their mess/pain. AA saved my life and helped me better understand why I try to escape with substances and Al-Anon saved my sanity and enhanced my relationship with self/God.
I don't know if that helps - night time is not prime time for me and thinking....but please know you are not alone. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
And the program is still here. LOL. Welcome back. Well, you certainly are starting off in the right direction -- face to face meetings, a (temporary) sponsor, and you desire to get better (doing the work everyday).
The separating thing can be difficult. Very difficult. Whether it be co-dependency, or anything else for that matter, that "desire" or "compulsion" or whatever you want to call it, can seem insurmountable. For me, the "detachment" and the separating had two sides of the coin so to speak -- the physical detachment/separation and the emotional detachment/separation. They were related, different, distinct, and both extremely difficult. Early on, for me, it was due to desperation and survival. I was driving myself crazy every single day with the full-time job -- trying to fix it, control it, prove to her she was ruining her life, my life, trying to convince her, get her to stop, beg, plead, threaten, leave, stay, find out what she was doing, who she was with, and so on. It was emotionally and physically draining and exhausting. I kept trying to figure out why she was doing all this, and that too was driving me crazy. THis is an enigmatic, confusing, progressive, baffling, cunning, insidious, and decimating disease -- for the alcoholic, and it certainly can be for the people around them, their loved ones, family, etc.
While I was in desperation and survival mode, I still fought it. I had to do something. Right? Well, the question was -- what do I do and was it healthy, for her and for me. I learned that I could be there for her, but in a very different way than I had been, and it could be in a healthy and supportive way; both for her and for me. How? Well, I worked with sponsor, a lot. I experienced a paradigm shift, in my thinking, mindset, methodology, etc. I got this from going to a lot of meetings, doing a lot of readings, and talking to my sponsor a lot. I looked at my role, my contribution -- not to her drinking, but to all of the drama, chaos and turmoil, the arguing, the fighting, the back and forth of stress and anxiety (although it wasn't stress and anxiety for her all the time, LOL). I learned that pain was inevitable and suffering was optional -- and I didn't want to keep feeling the way I was feeling. Nothing changes if nothing changes...So, I changed. I was doing a lot of the "why" thing and analyzing everything. I stopped. I didn't need to know why, I just needed to fix myself and stop doing what I was doing. I stopped with the excuses and denial. I started to feel better right away. Much of this started with acceptance. I immersed myself in it. Absolute, complete and total acceptance. I focused on the next thing in front of me -- whether it was paperwork at the office, folding laundry, cooking a meal, whatever it was, I did it with a laser precision focus, an intensity, that I wouldn't and couldn't think about anything or anyone else. It became a challenge, and one that I wasn't going to allow to defeat me. And that proved to me I could do it. I could change my thinking. I could get better. Sometimes 60 seconds at a time. But I could. And I did.
Keep coming back.