I am not sure what finally brought me here or admit my issues except I know that I cannot accept the person I have become any longer. My husband has not had a drink in 2 years 3 months 4 days yet I relive it daily. I am angry and scared every single day. I wait for the "slip up" always.
I can't bring myself to forgive yet or to trust...too many things came along with those 13 years of drinking that my heart just bleeds. I just don't know if I will ever feel peace or if I will ever get over the things that occurred while he was drinking. Nothing he says, no apology or promise makes any difference either.
I have had people say I should be happy that it has stopped and I know...I am grateful for it however it doesn't take away what was already imprinted in my life...I think they don't understand....so I smile and agree.
Thanks for letting me get this out
Iamhere said
Jun 30, 2017
Welcome to MIP niki - glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I hear you and was also where you are....it's a nightmare living with the disease of alcoholism and it doesn't just disappear from our being if/when our loved one gets sober. I was bitter, angry, sad, paranoid and many other 'negative things' because I was stuck - very stuck. Unintentionally so, but still stuck...
The only way I found to move beyond the past was through my own recovery in Al-Anon. It's there I learned to breathe deeply, realize it's an illness, understand what I thought/said/did at times was not helpful and even at times hurtful. I learned to think differently, accept that which I can't change and how to find peace and joy whether they are drinking/recovering or not.
I do encourage you to find some Al-Anon meetings and attend. You don't have to speak or do anything you don't want to. It's the only place I found others who felt like I felt and thought as I thought. Those same folks showed me that in spite of this disease, life is fun and joyous and I'm grateful to this day for them, the program and all the tools available.
There is hope and help always - you are not alone! Keep coming back!
niki48 said
Jun 30, 2017
Thank You
I searched found and now going to a group meeting here where I live next week...you saying it helped youunderstand what I thought/said/did at times was not helpful and even at times hurtful hit a nerve...that's me. I feel like I am trying to repay the hurt sometimes and use the past drinking as a free pass on my cruel words.
On Saturday I am going with my older son overnight and I have been stressing about the what if's. I am not here so I can't control if he slips....isn't that ridiculous like I am somehow God???? I read the 12 Steps and I am admitting I am powerless with this one. Furthermore if this trip with my son is cancelled that's on me not husbands potential drinking. This is one of the reason's that brought me here. I read many posts, got info on groups here.
I feel better maybe a tad optimistic and definitely less alone :)
Aline said
Jun 30, 2017
Welcome, (((((Niki))))), I'm happy you reached out and are going to attend a face to face meeting. There really is help in Alanon, I've found this is a most wonderful community, people who really understand me and my problems, because many have experienced them also. You are indeed not alone :)
WestMan said
Jul 1, 2017
Hi Niki. I am still fairly new to Al Anon. Dealing with similar emotions. My AW quit earlier this year and has slipped multiple times since. When I took a vacation, which I'm still on but now home, she decided she didn't want to go. I had a lot of reservations about it. Ultimately I took the kids myself and we had a great time.
I tried to stay present and not worry about what might be going on. I had moments of sadness or fear but was able to move past it for the most part. You can probably scroll down and find the post and see some helpful suggestions from others here. It was titled "Leaving with the kids." I wish you the best. It's good that you found a F2F meeting.
Iamhere said
Jul 1, 2017
Niki - so glad you found a group - let us know how it goes.....I do remember before I got serious about Al-Anon and the irrational fear I had about keeping them sober by being 'there'.....I have since found out that as smart and nosey as I was, when they wanted to drink/slip/use, they always found a way.
Put you first and just stay present as WestMan suggests. It took me putting my backside into a chair in Al-Anon to really 'see' that how I was living my life - hyperfocused on the well-being and actions/inactions of others was a huge drain and waste of what I've been given. I now believe that my HP wants me to be happy, joyous and free - however that can happen!!
(((Hugs)))
KT2015 said
Jul 2, 2017
I'm glad you found a group too! Welcome to the board. You are definitely not alone. Keep coming back and take care of you!
hotrod said
Jul 2, 2017
Welcome Niki , you are definitely not alone. I found alanon face to face meeting when the pain I was experiencing was too much to continue. It sound as if you may be experiencing the same.
Please understand that alanon provides us with new tools to live by and an accepting non judgmental supportive network to share and grow with.
keep coming back here as well
Bo said
Jul 3, 2017
niki48 wrote:
I am not sure what finally brought me here or admit my issues except I know that I cannot accept the person I have become any longer. My husband has not had a drink in 2 years 3 months 4 days yet I relive it daily. I am angry and scared every single day. I wait for the "slip up" always.
I can't bring myself to forgive yet or to trust...too many things came along with those 13 years of drinking that my heart just bleeds. I just don't know if I will ever feel peace or if I will ever get over the things that occurred while he was drinking. Nothing he says, no apology or promise makes any difference either.
I have had people say I should be happy that it has stopped and I know...I am grateful for it however it doesn't take away what was already imprinted in my life...I think they don't understand....so I smile and agree.
Thanks for letting me get this out
I hear you. Been there, done that. While this will sound strange -- perhaps impossible to some -- I was able to "forgive" many of the "bad things" that my ex-AW did. "Forget" is a relative term for me. Trust was as well. All of it came in phases -- while it was happening, during my marriage, seperation, divorce, etc. I found that acceptance was the first hurdle for me to get over. It wasn't just intellectually accepting or admitting this was a disease, she wasn't doing this to me, or that I was powerless. It was about me having the ability to embrace and surrender -- and I know that sounds a like a negative word -- to the fact that she has a disease and there was nothing I could do about it. She was only going to stop if and when she wanted to. Again, intellectually that sounds simple. However, for me, it was not.
She did these things -- not to me -- because this is what she did. Period. Infidelity for example. It wasn't a reflection on me. It wasn't because I was a bad person. It was because she was sick. I recognized -- that wasn't a bad person trying to be good, or a good person trying to be bad. She was a sick person who just did not want to get better and didn't admit she was sick. She was sick. Yes, while it was all going on I found that I was unable to forgive and said I would never forget -- yet, when I finally embraced getting better, for me, I was able to forgive and wish good things for her. I didn't forget -- but I also didn't let this taint or consume me. I wanted to be emotionally OK and sound. I wanted to be healthy. Could I trust? Trust her? Well, I did live with "waiting for the other or next shoe to drop so to speak. I could not trust her while she was drinking, but for me, I had decided that wasn't the way I wanted to live my life, so for me it was different. I had to learn -- to trust myself. Trust myself to live and love again, be loved, trust myself to learn to trust someone else. And so on.
After she found sobriety, whatever she did had nothing to do with me and my recovery. It had nothing to do with where I was in my own head -- whether she made amends or not, took ownership or not, apologized or not, etc. There was no bar for her to meet which would make things OK for me. I was going to be OK regardless of what she did or didn't do. Now, that's just me.
I think it is a good thing to be grateful, do the work, and be able to forgive. And, I also think it is normal and OK not to forget. I think that helps me, protects me, and keeps me safe. That's just me. Trust, though, that was all about me. Everything that happened -- and like many, there was a lot -- I didn't want to let that consume me.
If this is where you are at, and you want to change that, find a sponsor if you don't already have one, and start doing the work there. Blueprint For Progress is a wonderful tool and resource. I heard a woman once share that everything that happened during her marriage and her husband's recovery -- she decided it was going to not like a tattoo but more like a scar. A scar that reminds her, might be sore for a period of time, but heals and fades over time. She spoke for about 5 to 7 minutes on this, so there's a lot more, but the concept, the analogy, was very insightful and meaningful to me. Do the work. You decide what consumes you and what you can get past, and you decide to get better and healthy. Thanks.
Taraxacum1 said
Jul 4, 2017
This thread has been just what I needed today. My AH has been sober for a year and a half but is not working a program. His other behaviors, besides the drinking, are all mostly sticking around. Sometimes I still get fixated on what I think he needs, or start taking his inventory for him. (I was really much worse about this before - making progress) It is hard to stay in my own recovery, and focus on what I need but that is why we need one another here. You all help me keep a healthy focus on myself and the behaviors I can change - mine ğ
Iamhere said
Jul 4, 2017
Hey Taraxacum - good to see you. I'm sitting here nodding with your statement - I relate! Keep coming back!!
mamalioness said
Jul 5, 2017
niki48 wrote:
I am not sure what finally brought me here or admit my issues except I know that I cannot accept the person I have become any longer. My husband has not had a drink in 2 years 3 months 4 days yet I relive it daily. I am angry and scared every single day. I wait for the "slip up" always.
I can't bring myself to forgive yet or to trust...too many things came along with those 13 years of drinking that my heart just bleeds. I just don't know if I will ever feel peace or if I will ever get over the things that occurred while he was drinking. Nothing he says, no apology or promise makes any difference either.
I have had people say I should be happy that it has stopped and I know...I am grateful for it however it doesn't take away what was already imprinted in my life...I think they don't understand....so I smile and agree.
Thanks for letting me get this out
Hi Niki: neither of my AH's got sober, but I can imagine, if someone put me through 13 years of hell, then sobers up and its like 2-3 years recovery, YEA, I think I would be veeeery slow to trust and forgive?? it would depend on the offence and the amends made to me by the offender....one thing for sure.....in order for ME to move on from MY past, I got to keep the focus on me and my recovery and what i can do to make me a better me and yea, vent the anger, talk about the pain and feel those feelings, but always I have my eyes on taking care of me and focusing on me and my recovery..........I DO hear ya and I SO empathize with how you must feel, like I said, My AH#1 and #2 never got sober..hence my being alone..... i do hope you stay with alanon and work the steps, slogans, literature, sponsor or recovery partner work and find you....and when people say "you should" they are not in your shoes...yea, they probably mean well and hope you can move on, but your healing is on YOUR time table, noone elses....sounds like a lot of crap went down teh pike all those years.....healing from all that is not gonna happen over night...its gonna take time.........please keep coming back
I am not sure what finally brought me here or admit my issues except I know that I cannot accept the person I have become any longer. My husband has not had a drink in 2 years 3 months 4 days yet I relive it daily. I am angry and scared every single day. I wait for the "slip up" always.
I can't bring myself to forgive yet or to trust...too many things came along with those 13 years of drinking that my heart just bleeds. I just don't know if I will ever feel peace or if I will ever get over the things that occurred while he was drinking. Nothing he says, no apology or promise makes any difference either.
I have had people say I should be happy that it has stopped and I know...I am grateful for it however it doesn't take away what was already imprinted in my life...I think they don't understand....so I smile and agree.
Thanks for letting me get this out
The only way I found to move beyond the past was through my own recovery in Al-Anon. It's there I learned to breathe deeply, realize it's an illness, understand what I thought/said/did at times was not helpful and even at times hurtful. I learned to think differently, accept that which I can't change and how to find peace and joy whether they are drinking/recovering or not.
I do encourage you to find some Al-Anon meetings and attend. You don't have to speak or do anything you don't want to. It's the only place I found others who felt like I felt and thought as I thought. Those same folks showed me that in spite of this disease, life is fun and joyous and I'm grateful to this day for them, the program and all the tools available.
There is hope and help always - you are not alone! Keep coming back!
Thank You
I searched found and now going to a group meeting here where I live next week...you saying it helped you understand what I thought/said/did at times was not helpful and even at times hurtful hit a nerve...that's me. I feel like I am trying to repay the hurt sometimes and use the past drinking as a free pass on my cruel words.
On Saturday I am going with my older son overnight and I have been stressing about the what if's. I am not here so I can't control if he slips....isn't that ridiculous like I am somehow God???? I read the 12 Steps and I am admitting I am powerless with this one. Furthermore if this trip with my son is cancelled that's on me not husbands potential drinking. This is one of the reason's that brought me here. I read many posts, got info on groups here.
I feel better maybe a tad optimistic and definitely less alone :)
Hi Niki. I am still fairly new to Al Anon. Dealing with similar emotions. My AW quit earlier this year and has slipped multiple times since. When I took a vacation, which I'm still on but now home, she decided she didn't want to go. I had a lot of reservations about it. Ultimately I took the kids myself and we had a great time.
I tried to stay present and not worry about what might be going on. I had moments of sadness or fear but was able to move past it for the most part. You can probably scroll down and find the post and see some helpful suggestions from others here. It was titled "Leaving with the kids." I wish you the best. It's good that you found a F2F meeting.
Put you first and just stay present as WestMan suggests. It took me putting my backside into a chair in Al-Anon to really 'see' that how I was living my life - hyperfocused on the well-being and actions/inactions of others was a huge drain and waste of what I've been given. I now believe that my HP wants me to be happy, joyous and free - however that can happen!!
(((Hugs)))
Please understand that alanon provides us with new tools to live by and an accepting non judgmental supportive network to share and grow with.
keep coming back here as well
I hear you. Been there, done that. While this will sound strange -- perhaps impossible to some -- I was able to "forgive" many of the "bad things" that my ex-AW did. "Forget" is a relative term for me. Trust was as well. All of it came in phases -- while it was happening, during my marriage, seperation, divorce, etc. I found that acceptance was the first hurdle for me to get over. It wasn't just intellectually accepting or admitting this was a disease, she wasn't doing this to me, or that I was powerless. It was about me having the ability to embrace and surrender -- and I know that sounds a like a negative word -- to the fact that she has a disease and there was nothing I could do about it. She was only going to stop if and when she wanted to. Again, intellectually that sounds simple. However, for me, it was not.
She did these things -- not to me -- because this is what she did. Period. Infidelity for example. It wasn't a reflection on me. It wasn't because I was a bad person. It was because she was sick. I recognized -- that wasn't a bad person trying to be good, or a good person trying to be bad. She was a sick person who just did not want to get better and didn't admit she was sick. She was sick. Yes, while it was all going on I found that I was unable to forgive and said I would never forget -- yet, when I finally embraced getting better, for me, I was able to forgive and wish good things for her. I didn't forget -- but I also didn't let this taint or consume me. I wanted to be emotionally OK and sound. I wanted to be healthy. Could I trust? Trust her? Well, I did live with "waiting for the other or next shoe to drop so to speak. I could not trust her while she was drinking, but for me, I had decided that wasn't the way I wanted to live my life, so for me it was different. I had to learn -- to trust myself. Trust myself to live and love again, be loved, trust myself to learn to trust someone else. And so on.
After she found sobriety, whatever she did had nothing to do with me and my recovery. It had nothing to do with where I was in my own head -- whether she made amends or not, took ownership or not, apologized or not, etc. There was no bar for her to meet which would make things OK for me. I was going to be OK regardless of what she did or didn't do. Now, that's just me.
I think it is a good thing to be grateful, do the work, and be able to forgive. And, I also think it is normal and OK not to forget. I think that helps me, protects me, and keeps me safe. That's just me. Trust, though, that was all about me. Everything that happened -- and like many, there was a lot -- I didn't want to let that consume me.
If this is where you are at, and you want to change that, find a sponsor if you don't already have one, and start doing the work there. Blueprint For Progress is a wonderful tool and resource. I heard a woman once share that everything that happened during her marriage and her husband's recovery -- she decided it was going to not like a tattoo but more like a scar. A scar that reminds her, might be sore for a period of time, but heals and fades over time. She spoke for about 5 to 7 minutes on this, so there's a lot more, but the concept, the analogy, was very insightful and meaningful to me. Do the work. You decide what consumes you and what you can get past, and you decide to get better and healthy. Thanks.
Hi Niki: neither of my AH's got sober, but I can imagine, if someone put me through 13 years of hell, then sobers up and its like 2-3 years recovery, YEA, I think I would be veeeery slow to trust and forgive?? it would depend on the offence and the amends made to me by the offender....one thing for sure.....in order for ME to move on from MY past, I got to keep the focus on me and my recovery and what i can do to make me a better me and yea, vent the anger, talk about the pain and feel those feelings, but always I have my eyes on taking care of me and focusing on me and my recovery..........I DO hear ya and I SO empathize with how you must feel, like I said, My AH#1 and #2 never got sober..hence my being alone..... i do hope you stay with alanon and work the steps, slogans, literature, sponsor or recovery partner work and find you....and when people say "you should" they are not in your shoes...yea, they probably mean well and hope you can move on, but your healing is on YOUR time table, noone elses....sounds like a lot of crap went down teh pike all those years.....healing from all that is not gonna happen over night...its gonna take time.........please keep coming back