Hi, I'm new here and I'm hoping to find some support and maybe some helpful advice. I feel the need to share what got me here. My wife is an alcoholic. We have an 18 month old son. She ended up incarcerated after a violent altercation that landed me in the ER when our son was just over months old, yes a little over a year ago. This all went down the Friday before father's day and less than 2 weeks after she miscarried with our 2nd child. She was actively working the program and relapsed. She spent 6 months in jail and was sentenced to drug court versus years in jail. There was a 3 year restraining order put in place between us, but our son is not included. From the onset I was not willing to write her off. I was sympathetic to what she had been through and understood that she was not in her right mind when it happened. While she was in jail the judge granted us visitation and communication rights. We visited on weekends, wrote lengthy letters and talked every few days. Then she got released to an inpatient program and the order was reinstated, all communication was cut off. I have battled with depression and social anxiety for years. During all of this I have gone up and down, very down. I have still managed to do a very good job raising our son. We have an active DCFS case that is in court. So, there are plenty of hoops to continually jump through. I still have a deep love and care about my wife. But there is also the reality that our chances are slim of being a family again. This just breaks my heart to pieces and kicks my depression in hard. Now my wife is having visitations with our son which is great for both of them.
I've had more than a few challenges getting to any meetings. I have my own therapist who I see weekly. The meeting challenges are I have no child care, there are few meetings in my area, none of them have any child care and the time of day the meetings are held. I am desperate for more help and support, but since I'm just a fairly normal, currently single dad and being clean and sober, there's not much available.
My biggest problem is that I yearn to be reunited with my wife. I am lonely and miss the companionship, and yes I've remained faithful. But I am also very aware that her sobriety will come first, just as my well being has to come first. I still hold on to the hope that we will be back together someday. Am I just a fool for thinking that way or is there an honest chance for us. I know the success rate is low, but I don't want to think that way.
I am very open to suggestions and resources to help me help myself given my situation. Sorry this got kinda long, thanks for taking the time to read this.
shrnp said
Jun 30, 2017
Welcome Daddy M, There are other people like you that come to Alanon. I have been in a domestic violence relationship with an alcoholic. My instinct is to ask if the violence was worse than the alcoholism, because not everyone that drinks is violent. Sober people can be violent too. There could be two things going on, and Alanon can help with one of them. There are domestic violence counselors also. However, drinking and violence can co-exist. You are not alone with your questions and confusion. In Alanon we learn to make ourselves a priority, so we can be physically and emotionally healthy. We learn to heal ourselves because sometimes our lives revolve around the alcoholic and we neglect ourselves. They have online meetings here if you cannot get to a face to face meeting.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 30th of June 2017 12:52:34 PM
Iamhere said
Jun 30, 2017
Daddy M - I too send you welcomes....so sorry for what brings you here and wanted to say I see no issue with hoping your family can remain whole!! I believe that's a great goal to have - I do better when I have a goal in mind. Of course, there is the reality component that suggests it may be unrealistic if you are the only one working for it...
I applaud you for doing the research for local meetings....it is hard when you're a single parent. As Sharon suggests, there are meetings here. There also are many speakers you can search/listen to online (youtube, other)...
Living with the disease of alcoholism is hard and recovery is no picnic. Perhaps you could reach out to local meetings to see if they do any outreach - meaning when your child is with your spouse for visitation, you could meet with one/two/few. It's worth a try. I've taken meetings to people who could not get out for one reason or another - so ... it may happen in your area.
You are not alone, even if it feels that way! Reach out here any time and read posts to get a feel for what Al-Anon is about. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
Bo said
Jul 1, 2017
Daddy M wrote:
Hi, I'm new here and I'm hoping to find some support and maybe some helpful advice. I feel the need to share what got me here. My wife is an alcoholic. We have an 18 month old son. She ended up incarcerated after a violent altercation that landed me in the ER when our son was just over months old, yes a little over a year ago. This all went down the Friday before father's day and less than 2 weeks after she miscarried with our 2nd child. She was actively working the program and relapsed. She spent 6 months in jail and was sentenced to drug court versus years in jail. There was a 3 year restraining order put in place between us, but our son is not included. From the onset I was not willing to write her off. I was sympathetic to what she had been through and understood that she was not in her right mind when it happened. While she was in jail the judge granted us visitation and communication rights. We visited on weekends, wrote lengthy letters and talked every few days. Then she got released to an inpatient program and the order was reinstated, all communication was cut off. I have battled with depression and social anxiety for years. During all of this I have gone up and down, very down. I have still managed to do a very good job raising our son. We have an active DCFS case that is in court. So, there are plenty of hoops to continually jump through. I still have a deep love and care about my wife. But there is also the reality that our chances are slim of being a family again. This just breaks my heart to pieces and kicks my depression in hard. Now my wife is having visitations with our son which is great for both of them. I've had more than a few challenges getting to any meetings. I have my own therapist who I see weekly. The meeting challenges are I have no child care, there are few meetings in my area, none of them have any child care and the time of day the meetings are held. I am desperate for more help and support, but since I'm just a fairly normal, currently single dad and being clean and sober, there's not much available. My biggest problem is that I yearn to be reunited with my wife. I am lonely and miss the companionship, and yes I've remained faithful. But I am also very aware that her sobriety will come first, just as my well being has to come first. I still hold on to the hope that we will be back together someday. Am I just a fool for thinking that way or is there an honest chance for us. I know the success rate is low, but I don't want to think that way. I am very open to suggestions and resources to help me help myself given my situation. Sorry this got kinda long, thanks for taking the time to read this.
Welcome...you are in the right place...no, you are not a fool.
Don't beat yourself up. Hoping, wanting, wishing, etc., to be a family, a healthy, happy family -- not only is that normal, but who wouldn't want that. Rhetorical question. In the rooms there is an expression -- high hopes, low expectations. Having a mindset like this might help you maintain a healthy perspective, and it might help you get better, get healthy, stay healthy, etc. It might help you feel "safe" so to speak. You have to focus on you and your son, and you are doing that. You are facing a lot, and you are getting through it. It can be emotionally draining, exhausting. There is also a slogan -- HALT -- hungry, angry, lonely, tired. It is when these things come up that we are vulnerable.
I know you said meetings are tough. Keep trying. Find a sponsor and start talking to him/her, often. It will help with the times you can't get to a meeting.
Living with this disease, a loved one who has it, can be a very rough road. Go slow, one step, one day at a time. All the best.
Welcome Daddy M,
There are other people like you that come to Alanon. I have been in a domestic violence relationship with an alcoholic. My instinct is to ask if the violence was worse than the alcoholism, because not everyone that drinks is violent. Sober people can be violent too. There could be two things going on, and Alanon can help with one of them. There are domestic violence counselors also. However, drinking and violence can co-exist. You are not alone with your questions and confusion. In Alanon we learn to make ourselves a priority, so we can be physically and emotionally healthy. We learn to heal ourselves because sometimes our lives revolve around the alcoholic and we neglect ourselves. They have online meetings here if you cannot get to a face to face meeting.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 30th of June 2017 12:52:34 PM
I applaud you for doing the research for local meetings....it is hard when you're a single parent. As Sharon suggests, there are meetings here. There also are many speakers you can search/listen to online (youtube, other)...
Living with the disease of alcoholism is hard and recovery is no picnic. Perhaps you could reach out to local meetings to see if they do any outreach - meaning when your child is with your spouse for visitation, you could meet with one/two/few. It's worth a try. I've taken meetings to people who could not get out for one reason or another - so ... it may happen in your area.
You are not alone, even if it feels that way! Reach out here any time and read posts to get a feel for what Al-Anon is about. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
Welcome...you are in the right place...no, you are not a fool.
Don't beat yourself up. Hoping, wanting, wishing, etc., to be a family, a healthy, happy family -- not only is that normal, but who wouldn't want that. Rhetorical question. In the rooms there is an expression -- high hopes, low expectations. Having a mindset like this might help you maintain a healthy perspective, and it might help you get better, get healthy, stay healthy, etc. It might help you feel "safe" so to speak. You have to focus on you and your son, and you are doing that. You are facing a lot, and you are getting through it. It can be emotionally draining, exhausting. There is also a slogan -- HALT -- hungry, angry, lonely, tired. It is when these things come up that we are vulnerable.
I know you said meetings are tough. Keep trying. Find a sponsor and start talking to him/her, often. It will help with the times you can't get to a meeting.
Living with this disease, a loved one who has it, can be a very rough road. Go slow, one step, one day at a time. All the best.