I've a fairly odd relationship with my mother, really. If I tried to explain it all, I'd probably break the forum by submitting too much text. Maybe the whole internet.
Theres a lot of "stuff" from childhood that I used to think didn't bother me and actually, as I get older (and I hope healthier) it actually bothers me a LOT. I feel that she didn't protect me from abuse or harm; instead she used me in various ways to make her own life easier. I don't think she actually likes me, or has ever liked me. (Yes, deep down, I DO believe that because it's true to the very best of my understanding). So it's a pretty big confusing ball of sadness and anger that i'm still carrying around, and at the same time trying to have a "normal" relationship with her. It doesn't work. I think it's time to lay it to rest because it has taken up far too much of my life and emotional energy already.
Almost all of our conversations are late at night when she is drunk and she either wants to moan endlessly about everyone else and how terrible they are and how her life is so unfair because she got such a crappy husband and such crappy children and she had a horrible abusive father (that she sent me to live with, thanks) and when i speak, no matter what i say, she manages to belittle me. And I know, people can't make you feel things...but she sure does twist things around in crazy ways so that every single word that comes out of my mouth fills me with regret 30 seconds later when i see what new horror it has been twisted into. She makes me feel like crap, quite simply. Every-single-time.
And there is the leaving out. As in I'm not invited to anything, ever. Even if it's my idea.......I'm serious. If I call her and suggest that we could go and do something together, it's usual for me to see on facebook a week later that she went and did that thing with her sister. If I ask her about it she will say "Oh, I didn't think you wanted to" or "Oh, I thought it would be too hard for you to get there", "I didn't think you would be able to afford it: etc etc etc. Even if it was my suggestion for something nice I wanted to do with her. (And why I keep trying when I know damn well she can't stand to be around me is unknown to me but whatever it is, it's unhealthy and sad). Why do I keep trying to connect with someone who just, really simply, doesn't like me?
But it's hard because I don't have a close relationship with anyone other than my daughter, and my siblings who are all going through their own pretty extreme depression, anxiety and alcohol dependence problems. So detaching from people that are harmful is difficult when there is no-one to take their place. I can't expect my daughter to be my confidant and yet everyone needs someone to talk to don't they? So I end up going back for more with mother and I end up feeling like crap.
Anyway, it's on my mind because I started talking to her again recently and lo and behold, I feel like garbage already. But just writing this helps put it in perspective. What's the biggest hole in my story and the most obvious thing that I can do something about? "But it's hard because I don't have a close relationship with anyone other than my daughter". I guess that's where I start and I've been making some headway with that; I have friends at uni now that I go to classes and that feels good; I'm discovering that people don't automatically dislike me and I'm really not that socially awkward once I get used to being around people again. So I guess that's the only thing I can think of- keep trying to increase the numbers of positive people in my life, and then the negative ones aren't so much of a problem. (Funny, this is exactly what i always tell daughter to do when her school friends are being nasty but didn't think of it applying to me until just this moment).
And reading back, it seems sort of pathetic. Like, OK, she's just not that into me, LOL. Move on already.
Anyway thanks for reading; I really need a meeting I think to say this stuff out loud. I haven't been for months and months. Going now to look up meeting calendar and see if there's one tonight. Good outcome, no?
(((everyone)))
-- Edited by MissM on Thursday 29th of June 2017 11:42:16 PM
hotrod said
Jun 29, 2017
((MsM.)) You are not alone and I do believe that many of us have experienced family relations as you described. I think that is one of the reasons that alanon is referred to "Alanon Family groups" It is at these meetings I actually experienced the support, understanding and unconditional love of a family. You are right a meeting will help.
Jill said
Jun 29, 2017
Your constant striving to make a relationship with her is exactly what I did with my ex. Try, try, try.
I think your plans sound like good ways to get what you want. Attending meetings and talking during meetings is so good for me. Consciously deciding to be around people who treat me as I want goes a long way, too.
It's sad to say goodbye to my old way that didn't work. I had to realize it wasn't worth it any more. The results of my old try-try-try were familiar and awful.
-- Edited by Jill on Friday 30th of June 2017 06:23:03 AM
MissM said
Jun 29, 2017
Thanks ladies. It does feel awful. Every time I try to connect with her...even just by saying hello, how was your day...I walk away feeling kind of ashamed of myself for going back for more. Funny how that carried through all of my adult relationships as well.
I can't change her, and don't wish to cut her out of my life entirely; she and my daughter get along like a house on fire for a start, but by building all of the other areas of my life (and NOT telling her about it or expecting approval) I can move beyond this a different way.
Lol, it's so funny really (in a sad way). I just got off the phone with the level coordinator for the school my daughter wants to transfer to. At the end, he sort of cut me off and raced away. It's the last day of term and school has ended; the dude probably wanted to go home and enjoy his vacation but of course I sat her for a good 20 minutes feeling ashamed and worried (Oh he didn't like me and I talked too much and I said the wrong thing and I've probably ruined daughter's chances of getting a place and.....")
Begone, vile self-deprecating habits. You serve no-one.
hotrod said
Jun 30, 2017
Hi Ms. M.I am glad you recognized your negative voices and choose not to buy in and believe the nonsense . Review your many assets, such as: I am a loving mother,intelligent, successful, supportive person
SerenityRUS said
Jun 30, 2017
Big Hugs MM,
I can completely relate to what you have shared with both of my adopted parents.
A funny thing happened this week and I had to laugh at my younger self big time. I had to get my school transcript which was traumatic in itself .. LOL .. seriously something that was suppose to take 5 - 10 days took 5 weeks and NO I was not happy because I had done everything I was suppose to and the God of my understanding has a seriously warped sense of humor. I had my job asking me for it expecting it to be here in DAYS and that was not a happy thing.
I finally GOT my school transcripts and forgot what a horrible student I was .. I sooo bad .. like I can't believe I actually graduated high school. LOL .. I can laugh now however at the time I don't think I ever felt worse about myself and it's no wonder I acted out the way I did .. I had no sense of personal value, as well as self esteem. It really is sad to think about that little girl I used to be .. my parents did NOT make it easy on me in the least. That's how stifled and neglected I felt inside. I wish I could go back and give my younger self the love and reassurance at that point in my life I desperately needed along with the knowledge that this too will pass and not be the marker that I thought it was at the time. It brought back a LOT of memories some good most not ... the thing I took away from the experience was I am ok regardless of what happened in the past and the past absolutely does not define my self worth and me today. You can seriously track the trauma in my life during those 4 years based upon semesters of grades falling and rising up a notch and falling again .. 4 year colleges were not tapping on my door. I seriously wonder how I passed and I think honestly my teachers felt sorry for me. They met my mother .. LOL.
I shared my transcripts with my daughter .. not my son at this point .. LOL .. when he gets into college .. maybe .. LOL .. she started to say I got on her about B's .. LOL .. sooo NOT true .. I still remember some of what my mother said to me that made me feel soooo small and of course she never offered a solution only maximized the problem and the message was sent and received I was the problem. As we talked she did agree that I never made her feel unsupported or less than when she struggled in Jr High .. and guess what .. girl is going into college with it almost paid for 100% with a bright career ahead of her with a sense of accomplishment that SHE did this .. not what she didn't do .. what she has done so far and she has sooo much further to go.
My mom or dad absolutely are not like that it's always focused on what kind of daughter I should be .. what kind of daughter I was/am not .. and so on. I am grateful that I no longer immediately buy into those tapes .. I still struggle at times however hours and days are different than weeks or months. I am more able to step back and realize that those attitudes and statements are not about me directly .. they reflect more about them and their unrealistic expectations. That's part of what Alanon has given me .. I am no longer a prisoner of what they think I should be and I can be more at peace with who I am .. out of the stifling environment I have flailed around a bit .. LOL .. my flight at best on a great day is wobbly .. I am so grateful for that lesson. I learned how to release the weights of their approval.
Hugs .. I am glad to share this journey with you.
Junenine said
Jun 30, 2017
(((MissM))) you've so got this. but it sure does suck that you've gotta go through it and i hear you. some mothers have zero idea of the power they wield in their children's lives. it's a powerful position, period. i went through times when i distanced myself from my mother... i think it was necessary and healthy... and i've always felt that my friends are my chosen family. you have self-knowledge and insight that some never get. keep on keeping on. find your people. they are out there! just keep squashing that negative voice that's been instilled from an early age: it is NOT accurate. it is the result of someone else's baggage being dumped on you. i know you know that. sending you hugs!
MissM said
Jul 1, 2017
Thanks Serenity and Junenine. You've reminded me that i'm not alone. There's a really strong tendency to think 'parents are supposed to like their children. But mine don't so there's something really gross and wrong with me". Yet when you hear someone else say this, you think "oh their parents are missing something, their parents are the broken ones, what a shame for all of them". You'd never think "wow, my friend is really unlovable, I can see why her parents didn't like her either". Who would ever think that? Who would blame a child for their parents uncaring behaviour? Touching base with others that have had a not so uplifting relationship with their parents helps SO much, so thank you.
And also, thanks for reminding me to consider the parents I am too. Because I do not do this with my child either. I keep the criticism to situations where it is seriously warranted (drinking my iced coffee, using my makeup without asking, leaving dishes all over the house- these are the markers of a Bad Teenager) lol I have a really strong ethic about supporting my child to discover for herself who she is, and what she wants to do with her life and I love and celebrate everything about her, even though she doesn't always do what I would have liked her to do. This way parenting gets to be more of an adventure, looking forward to seeing who she grows into instead of trying to squash her into a mold and getting angry if she doesn't fit. Ugh! So thank you for reminding me that as a parent, I am not broken any more than I was as a child. I do not need to carry other people's inadequacies and projected self-loathing any further along my journey. I'll just set it down over here, next to these piles of garbage bags awaiting collection
-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 1st of July 2017 05:06:52 AM
Junenine said
Jul 1, 2017
yes yes and yes!!! and LOL, i love your style!
for some people - like you - i believe that the deficits of childhood make them suuuuuch stronger, more supportive and insightful parents. so amen to you for all you say (and do)!!! i think it's so important that we allow children the freedom to grow into themselves (and not clones or wannabe clones of their parents). amens coming at ya!
I've a fairly odd relationship with my mother, really. If I tried to explain it all, I'd probably break the forum by submitting too much text. Maybe the whole internet.
Theres a lot of "stuff" from childhood that I used to think didn't bother me and actually, as I get older (and I hope healthier) it actually bothers me a LOT. I feel that she didn't protect me from abuse or harm; instead she used me in various ways to make her own life easier. I don't think she actually likes me, or has ever liked me. (Yes, deep down, I DO believe that because it's true to the very best of my understanding). So it's a pretty big confusing ball of sadness and anger that i'm still carrying around, and at the same time trying to have a "normal" relationship with her. It doesn't work. I think it's time to lay it to rest because it has taken up far too much of my life and emotional energy already.
Almost all of our conversations are late at night when she is drunk and she either wants to moan endlessly about everyone else and how terrible they are and how her life is so unfair because she got such a crappy husband and such crappy children and she had a horrible abusive father (that she sent me to live with, thanks) and when i speak, no matter what i say, she manages to belittle me. And I know, people can't make you feel things...but she sure does twist things around in crazy ways so that every single word that comes out of my mouth fills me with regret 30 seconds later when i see what new horror it has been twisted into. She makes me feel like crap, quite simply. Every-single-time.
And there is the leaving out. As in I'm not invited to anything, ever. Even if it's my idea.......I'm serious. If I call her and suggest that we could go and do something together, it's usual for me to see on facebook a week later that she went and did that thing with her sister. If I ask her about it she will say "Oh, I didn't think you wanted to" or "Oh, I thought it would be too hard for you to get there", "I didn't think you would be able to afford it: etc etc etc. Even if it was my suggestion for something nice I wanted to do with her. (And why I keep trying when I know damn well she can't stand to be around me is unknown to me but whatever it is, it's unhealthy and sad). Why do I keep trying to connect with someone who just, really simply, doesn't like me?
But it's hard because I don't have a close relationship with anyone other than my daughter, and my siblings who are all going through their own pretty extreme depression, anxiety and alcohol dependence problems. So detaching from people that are harmful is difficult when there is no-one to take their place. I can't expect my daughter to be my confidant and yet everyone needs someone to talk to don't they? So I end up going back for more with mother and I end up feeling like crap.
Anyway, it's on my mind because I started talking to her again recently and lo and behold, I feel like garbage already. But just writing this helps put it in perspective. What's the biggest hole in my story and the most obvious thing that I can do something about? "But it's hard because I don't have a close relationship with anyone other than my daughter". I guess that's where I start and I've been making some headway with that; I have friends at uni now that I go to classes and that feels good; I'm discovering that people don't automatically dislike me and I'm really not that socially awkward once I get used to being around people again. So I guess that's the only thing I can think of- keep trying to increase the numbers of positive people in my life, and then the negative ones aren't so much of a problem. (Funny, this is exactly what i always tell daughter to do when her school friends are being nasty but didn't think of it applying to me until just this moment).
And reading back, it seems sort of pathetic. Like, OK, she's just not that into me, LOL. Move on already.
Anyway thanks for reading; I really need a meeting I think to say this stuff out loud. I haven't been for months and months. Going now to look up meeting calendar and see if there's one tonight. Good outcome, no?
(((everyone)))
-- Edited by MissM on Thursday 29th of June 2017 11:42:16 PM
Your constant striving to make a relationship with her is exactly what I did with my ex. Try, try, try.
I think your plans sound like good ways to get what you want. Attending meetings and talking during meetings is so good for me. Consciously deciding to be around people who treat me as I want goes a long way, too.
It's sad to say goodbye to my old way that didn't work. I had to realize it wasn't worth it any more. The results of my old try-try-try were familiar and awful.
-- Edited by Jill on Friday 30th of June 2017 06:23:03 AM
I can't change her, and don't wish to cut her out of my life entirely; she and my daughter get along like a house on fire for a start, but by building all of the other areas of my life (and NOT telling her about it or expecting approval) I can move beyond this a different way.
Lol, it's so funny really (in a sad way). I just got off the phone with the level coordinator for the school my daughter wants to transfer to. At the end, he sort of cut me off and raced away. It's the last day of term and school has ended; the dude probably wanted to go home and enjoy his vacation but of course I sat her for a good 20 minutes feeling ashamed and worried (Oh he didn't like me and I talked too much and I said the wrong thing and I've probably ruined daughter's chances of getting a place and.....")
Begone, vile self-deprecating habits. You serve no-one.
I can completely relate to what you have shared with both of my adopted parents.
A funny thing happened this week and I had to laugh at my younger self big time. I had to get my school transcript which was traumatic in itself .. LOL .. seriously something that was suppose to take 5 - 10 days took 5 weeks and NO I was not happy because I had done everything I was suppose to and the God of my understanding has a seriously warped sense of humor. I had my job asking me for it expecting it to be here in DAYS and that was not a happy thing.
I finally GOT my school transcripts and forgot what a horrible student I was .. I sooo bad .. like I can't believe I actually graduated high school. LOL .. I can laugh now however at the time I don't think I ever felt worse about myself and it's no wonder I acted out the way I did .. I had no sense of personal value, as well as self esteem. It really is sad to think about that little girl I used to be .. my parents did NOT make it easy on me in the least. That's how stifled and neglected I felt inside. I wish I could go back and give my younger self the love and reassurance at that point in my life I desperately needed along with the knowledge that this too will pass and not be the marker that I thought it was at the time. It brought back a LOT of memories some good most not ... the thing I took away from the experience was I am ok regardless of what happened in the past and the past absolutely does not define my self worth and me today. You can seriously track the trauma in my life during those 4 years based upon semesters of grades falling and rising up a notch and falling again .. 4 year colleges were not tapping on my door. I seriously wonder how I passed and I think honestly my teachers felt sorry for me. They met my mother .. LOL.
I shared my transcripts with my daughter .. not my son at this point .. LOL .. when he gets into college .. maybe .. LOL .. she started to say I got on her about B's .. LOL .. sooo NOT true .. I still remember some of what my mother said to me that made me feel soooo small and of course she never offered a solution only maximized the problem and the message was sent and received I was the problem. As we talked she did agree that I never made her feel unsupported or less than when she struggled in Jr High .. and guess what .. girl is going into college with it almost paid for 100% with a bright career ahead of her with a sense of accomplishment that SHE did this .. not what she didn't do .. what she has done so far and she has sooo much further to go.
My mom or dad absolutely are not like that it's always focused on what kind of daughter I should be .. what kind of daughter I was/am not .. and so on. I am grateful that I no longer immediately buy into those tapes .. I still struggle at times however hours and days are different than weeks or months. I am more able to step back and realize that those attitudes and statements are not about me directly .. they reflect more about them and their unrealistic expectations. That's part of what Alanon has given me .. I am no longer a prisoner of what they think I should be and I can be more at peace with who I am .. out of the stifling environment I have flailed around a bit .. LOL .. my flight at best on a great day is wobbly .. I am so grateful for that lesson. I learned how to release the weights of their approval.
Hugs .. I am glad to share this journey with you.
(((MissM))) you've so got this. but it sure does suck that you've gotta go through it and i hear you. some mothers have zero idea of the power they wield in their children's lives. it's a powerful position, period. i went through times when i distanced myself from my mother... i think it was necessary and healthy... and i've always felt that my friends are my chosen family. you have self-knowledge and insight that some never get. keep on keeping on. find your people. they are out there! just keep squashing that negative voice that's been instilled from an early age: it is NOT accurate. it is the result of someone else's baggage being dumped on you. i know you know that. sending you hugs!
Thanks Serenity and Junenine.
I have a really strong ethic about supporting my child to discover for herself who she is, and what she wants to do with her life and I love and celebrate everything about her, even though she doesn't always do what I would have liked her to do. This way parenting gets to be more of an adventure, looking forward to seeing who she grows into instead of trying to squash her into a mold and getting angry if she doesn't fit. Ugh! So thank you for reminding me that as a parent, I am not broken any more than I was as a child. I do not need to carry other people's inadequacies and projected self-loathing any further along my journey. I'll just set it down over here, next to these piles of garbage bags awaiting collection 
You've reminded me that i'm not alone. There's a really strong tendency to think 'parents are supposed to like their children. But mine don't so there's something really gross and wrong with me". Yet when you hear someone else say this, you think "oh their parents are missing something, their parents are the broken ones, what a shame for all of them". You'd never think "wow, my friend is really unlovable, I can see why her parents didn't like her either". Who would ever think that? Who would blame a child for their parents uncaring behaviour? Touching base with others that have had a not so uplifting relationship with their parents helps SO much, so thank you.
And also, thanks for reminding me to consider the parents I am too. Because I do not do this with my child either. I keep the criticism to situations where it is seriously warranted (drinking my iced coffee, using my makeup without asking, leaving dishes all over the house- these are the markers of a Bad Teenager) lol
-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 1st of July 2017 05:06:52 AM
yes yes and yes!!! and LOL, i love your style!
for some people - like you - i believe that the deficits of childhood make them suuuuuch stronger, more supportive and insightful parents. so amen to you for all you say (and do)!!! i think it's so important that we allow children the freedom to grow into themselves (and not clones or wannabe clones of their parents). amens coming at ya!