Ive resisted the Al-Anon program for years.  My attitude has always been, Im not the alcoholic, why do I need to go to meetings?  Im not the one who screwed up our family.  I am VERY angry and bitter.  I know this and I just dont think theres anything wrong with that.  I hate my ex and why shouldnt I?  My story is probably similar to others.  He was always an alcoholic only I didnt see it at first.  He drank too much, partied a little too hard sometimes, but that didnt make him an alcoholic.  By the time I acknowledged it, my son was born and I thought I needed to save my family by confronting him about his drinking.  He on and off the wagon constantly.  My son was 14 and my daughter 6 when I was stopped loving him.  I left him, moved to another state, and was all set to file for divorce when he followed me, begged for forgiveness, and climb back on the wagon.  It didnt last long.  For the last five years, Ive been trying to divorce him.  He avoids being served, wont answer his door, promises to sign the papers, but then doesnt show up at the courthouse.  I dont have the money to pay an attorney as the price keeps going up because the ex keeps making things so difficult.   

My son is 24 now and he is overly sensitive.  Constantly worried about the well-being of his father.  Calls me to ask me if Ive heard from his dad and if his dad is okay.  I couldnt care less, but I dont say that.  My daughter is now 16.  I used to say she was really good at compartmentalizing.  She just has a knack for being upset about her dad and then turning it off.  She makes straight As, top of her class, athlete.  Just really good at not allowing her feelings about her dad interfere with her life.  She doesnt waste time on anger or worry or bitterness.  I used to say she was really emotionally healthy.  Healthier than me or her brother.  Now, I wonder if those feelings she locks up are going come back on her when she least expects it.  She has overly emotional outbursts to situations that dont warrant such outbursts which is what prompted me to post here.   

Everyone says I should check out Al-Anon, go to a meeting.  I really resent the notion that Im expected to attend a meeting and participate in 12 steps.  Im not the alcoholic!  I didnt do all of this to my family.  Im a very private person, quiet.  I dont want to go to a meeting where Im expected to speak or talk to people.  So I found this message board and here I am saying I hate my ex.  I hate what he has done to my kids and my family.  I dont care if it is health or not there it is.  I dont forgive him because hes not sorry.  Hes in jail right now and wrote me a letter listing all the things he wants me to send him and do for him!  Because he was in jail, I was finally able to get him served with divorce papers.  He sent me a letter telling me I was kicking him when he was down!  Nevermind that weve been separated for five years now and Ive been trying to divorce him all that time.  In his mind, Im still his wife and so he can ask me for money or whatever without any shame.  And the divorce is my fault, not his.  And hes a good father to his kids because he loves them.  Thats what he believes!  And Im supposed to forgive him?!?!?!  Im supposed to go to a meeting to learn how to forgive him?!?!?!

Welcome and I'm glad you have found us.  One thing that I notice is that you are thinking about Al-Anon as if it is a punishment for being around the chaos of alcoholism.  I have found it to be not a punishment but a great relief and support.  It's sort of like saying, "Why do I have to go to this spa and have this massage?"  You don't have to, but it's sure nice to be able to.  One thing I found nice about Al-Anon is that the people here know exactly what it's like to have dealt with the chaos and infuriatingness that is alcoholism.  Nobody judges, everybody understands.  Another thing I really appreciate is the tools for dealing with the chaos, the anger, and the mess.  So we have control over them instead of them over us.  We have a chair waiting for you; hope you'll stay!  Take good care of yourself.

Hello Lu and welcome! Boy do you sound like me in the early days. It was suggested to me by my counselor that Al-Anon might help. I also thought Why should I go, I am not the one drinking, crashing cars and causing chaos. I was in the process of separation from my then AH and basically had a nervous breakdown in the process because I was so focused on his behavior that I wasn't taking care of myself. So I reluctantly attended my first meeting with a friend and sat there with my arms folded and  a not too attentive attitude. . My friend mentioned that sometimes it takes going to different meetings to get that One. So I tried one close to home and instantly knew I was in the right place. While I was busy focusing on myself my AH decided to seek sobriety and that was about 22 yrs ago. I continue to have contact with Al-Anon because they were so patient and kind with me while I uncovered my self. I still have many good friends today. I hope you will keep coming back.

Hi Lu
I echo what others have said about al-anon being a gift to yourself and not in any way a burden but I'd also like to say, at the end of your post you suggest that al-anon is about forgiving him. It isn't...maybe that's a p[art of the process, eventually, for lots of folk but that isn't the aim or a requirement in any way. Stopping the anger and resentment from poisoning you...that's a part of it...because you deserve happiness and peace that isn't tainted by anger over his behaviour, if that makes sense.
I would personally push the concept of forgiveness to the back of a drawer somewhere and you can look at it much, much later on, if and when it doesn't provoke rage in you!!! (Totally get the anger btw).
Once you've put that away you can start with you and figure out what you want and need and will do to make your life work for you...which is basically what al-anon is for

Lu0519 wrote:

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Ive resisted the Al-Anon program for years.  My attitude has always been, Im not the alcoholic, why do I need to go to meetings?  Im not the one who screwed up our family.  I am VERY angry and bitter.  I know this and I just dont think theres anything wrong with that.  I hate my ex and why shouldnt I?  My story is probably similar to others.  

Everyone says I should check out Al-Anon, go to a meeting.  I really resent the notion that Im expected to attend a meeting and participate in 12 steps.  Im not the alcoholic!  I didnt do all of this to my family.  Im a very private person, quiet.  I dont want to go to a meeting where Im expected to speak or talk to people.  So I found this message board and here I am saying I hate my ex.  I hate what he has done to my kids and my family.  I dont care if it is health or not there it is.  I dont forgive him because hes not sorry.   And the divorce is my fault, not his.  And hes a good father to his kids because he loves them.  Thats what he believes!  And Im supposed to forgive him?!?!?!  Im supposed to go to a meeting to learn how to forgive him?!?!?!

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 Hi Lu:  BOY can I relate to you!!!! when I first came here I was the most angry, bitter, resentful little lady you ever saw...the rage was a red hot RED!!! FLAMING!!! my offender, partier father who was a serial offender against teen girls,  my raging alcoholic mother who for her 80 proof sold me to the monster, oh yea, then I married an abusive alcoholic , the patterns just kept repeating...the monster is dead, but I kept him alive in my bad choices, my hating me, my aligning myself with other creeps and degenerates and or drinkers and users/abusers....oh yea....I still can't forgive the dead freak, but I CAN and DID let go the poisonous hate and bitterness that only harmed ME, not him...as he rests in his cold dark place, I have moved on to LIFE and living life for ME, caring for ME..but i had to learn HOW!!! and the "HOW" was coming here, back in 2002, I found a child abuse on-line group that was 12 steps oriented and I discovered that forgiveness is a bi-product of recovery..it is NOT required for recovery HOWEVER---it IS essential that we give up the hate, revenge, bitterness, rage, etc....and that only comes with talking about it...feeling the feelings...sharing with others who CARE and FEELING the emotional  rage, grief, anger, sadness, fear, ALL the feelings that come with a horrid betrayal--be it a father, husband, or ANY close relation...I think my recovery went for so long because it was both of my parents who trashed my life...now?? they just don't exist for me..I did a legal name change, dropped their memories from any photo books I have, changed my name, refuse to talk about them because I poured out all that poison in the recovery rooms....Alanon and CoDa and ACA (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families)  When i feel the need to vent, I come here or get into a meeting...the meetings and alanon are for ME, about ME, to serve ME....not my tormenters....I could give a crap about their souls and their memories, et al, I am doing this for ME because I deserve it...

Oh yea, i fought going to alanon too,  why??? THEY were the Ef'd up ones..not me....then i realized "what do I have to lose???"  oh yea, I "lost"  the poison that was killing ME, hurting ME, poisonong ME......do i forgive them?? Hell no!!! let God do that...do I dwell on them??? Hell no!!! I'm done with them because I talked about it and cried about it adn raged about it with meetings and sponsors and recovery partners who could relate to me and I got that MUCK and YUCKY crap out of my body and soul....

I ask you one thing...just hang out with us and give it a chance.....what do ya got to lose?????  

I loved reading your honest and open and truthful share....YOU, my new recovery friend are gonna make it because you "got game" as they say  you got "moxie and fight"  let it serve you now....I see a lot of the old me in your post......love the open honesty.....Rock on and do give us a chance     SUPPORTING YOU 1000%

hello and welcome to this place. here's the thing - i totally relate to what you're saying. however... when you think about the years of anger and frustration that you have spent dealing with your relationship and its issues thanks to alcoholism... it has clearly been a long road. with or without al-anon, you have gone through A LOT. al-anon offers YOU support and understanding for the journey YOU have been thrust into thanks to your ex's disease. the addict's disease affects the whole family and can warp the thinking and emotions of all family members, since they are all forced to deal with the addict/alcoholic's behavior. so, you've been in the thick of it all, with or without program. it sucks, doesn't it? the way i see it, it doesn't hurt to check out a meeting or two and see how it feels to you. al-anon is for YOU, not him. and you will find people who have been through very similar things even though each situation is different. what if al-anon helps you deal with your anger and frustration and leads you somewhere better? 

i've only been going to meetings a couple years. first i went casually, didn't say much, etc. i started going more seriously and regularly when my ex relapsed again and i was in crisis. i am not a big talker and i am very much not a "group" kind of person. but... even at the beginning, i found the meetings comforting. i could relate to everything people said and they were thoughtful, respectful, and insightful, and they "got it". it was nice to be around people actively working to improve their lives and their relationships. now, over 2 years from my first meeting, i'm just beginning to feel more comfortable and form some friendships. i've gone to a bunch of meetings and have found some that i like more than others. and just like in real life, some people you will relate to more than others.

it just might offer you something surprising, and it just might help you in dealing with the effects that alcoholism has had on your kids, too. but really, it's all about you. 

i've heard of people who went to meetings and didn't say a word for years. to each her own. you do what's right for you. nobody will force you to do or say anything.

wishing you well, truly.

just gotta say more power to you, mamalioness!!! yessssss!!!

Welcome Lu,
It is alright to be angry, my ex-husband is in prison. Raising children by yourself when they have an absent parent is sad and infuriating. I have even thought that things might have been better if my son's father had died, at least then he might be some kind of hero. I feel like I belong to this group of forgotten people. The families left behind when husbands go to prison are not any different than the families left behind from someone's addiction or alcoholism like you and your children. That is why Alanon is probably different than what you might be expecting. You do not have to do anything just show up. I hope you come back and see, glad that you have joined us.

Aloha Lu and welcome to the board...there is nothing I can say that can or will change your mind about Al-Anon or alcoholism or what ever and the reason why I say that is because there was nothing anyone could say or do for me when I first arrived and then left and then arrived and then left and then stayed.  I knew nothing about alcoholism and drug addiction and didn't know that I didn't know so fine I would just stay rageful and angry and insane.  I hated the insanity even thought I knew that was most about who I was and what I was.  I was born and raised in the disease I found out much much later and had more sick relationships than a normal man should have had and then I was normal for and alcoholic/addicted person.

Your post is my post...that's me.  I have been asked to leave more meetings I would care to mention and then was continuously told to "keep coming back" just as many times and more.    The fellowship loved and cared for me and would continue to do that until I learned to do it with myself.

You are in the right place regardless of how you feel and think...you're normal for the disease and what it's been doing with you...that is temporary and will change over time as you learn to feel as much and more courage as you have anger and fear.

Keep coming back cause this works when you work it.  The second time I came to the program I did just one suggestion as well as I could...Sit and listen.   Keep coming back and in the mean time don't kill him or anyone else.   ((((hugs)))) 

I could have written this word for word for years I refused to get help, why should I? It was all his fault all his problem, his mess and I hated him.

Then, my children reached the teenage years and all hell broke loose. My son also began to show signs of this family disease being within him too and I hit my own rock bottom. I suddenly realised that I had been miserable for so long and that I was consistently failing to improve anything for my family, I ran out of solutions, plain and simple. I also was not living my life, I was enduring it, going to work then going straight to bed.

I just had enough of feeling rubbish and not living my life and then I thought I would try anything and I did I went to a meeting and heard words that I couldnt believe I was hearing like alcoholic. That word was seldom used in my home, it was a hidden shameful word that noone could face really and to hear these people say it and say it in a matter of fact way and no shame then I knew I was in the right place. Then I heard others tell bits of my story. I couldnt believe others knew what my life was all about because I was so ashamed and secretive and called myself private. 

Mylife my mind set my attitude began to change from that first meeting. I found a new way to live and that I could make my life good. I left my ex too before I went to Alanon and I have been a member for 5 years now and I have realised that although I dont live with my ex anymore I have been badly effected by the disease and I needed my own recovery program and Alanon has given me tools to cope with my sons drinking problem.

I have mostly forgave my ex and what a gift to ME!!! People have the wrong idea of forgiveness and I did too. It was a weight off my shoulders to let go of the hate and bitterness and to actually feel forgiveness understanding and even compassion. Its been a miracle to me and Im lighter in so many ways. Please give yourself this gift, you have taken a step coming here but you cant beat the face to face contact, get out of your isolation as this disease thrives in secrets and hidden corners. Reach out, I promise it will be the best move you make. Take a look at the Alanon promises on this forum.

Hi Lu. I've only been going to Al Anon for a few months now. I didn't share a thing for the first two months and nobody batted an eye. When I did finally share I was still pretty angry and my statements were, I thought, outrageous. Nobody cared. They Just listened. I'm still angry but it is diminishing with the more meetings I go to. 

Nobody has ever told me when I should do the twelve steps. I'm reading "How Al Anon Works" and getting a better understanding of all of it. I hope to start them someday but right now I'm just enjoying having a place where I can be with other people who I can talk to about the stuff that I can't bring up anywhere else. I've been realizing that while the alcoholism isn't my fault I HAVE adopted some really unhealthy coping strategies because that's what happens when I live with alcoholism and don't have a program. 

Good luck. 

I wanted to thank everyone for the responses and support.  I also wanted to apologize for all the anger and hostility in my original post.  My resistance to Al-Anon is more a resistance of actually going to a meeting.  Like I said I'm very private.  I live in a small town where everyone knows your business.  And believe me, everyone in this town thinks they know me and my life.  I hate that my family is grist for the gossip mill in this town.  Not to mention that my ex's antics have made the front page of the local newspaper.  It really just makes me feel physically ill.  So the idea of going to a meeting where people might know who I am, might know him...  I just can't.  When I found this board, I thought maybe sharing here anonymously would somehow be cathartic.  I can sort of say voice my anger, tell my story where no one knows me.  I grew up with secrets.  It was always so important to look like the perfect family.  I didn't want my kids to ever have to keep secrets like that.  I have as much anger at myself as I do at my ex.  How could I be so weak and stupid?  Why didn't I do better by my kids?  That's what I say to myself every single day. 

Lu0519 wrote:

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I wanted to thank everyone for the responses and support.  I also wanted to apologize for all the anger and hostility in my original post.  My resistance to Al-Anon is more a resistance of actually going to a meeting.  Like I said I'm very private.  I live in a small town where everyone knows your business.  And believe me, everyone in this town thinks they know me and my life.  I hate that my family is grist for the gossip mill in this town.  Not to mention that my ex's antics have made the front page of the local newspaper.  It really just makes me feel physically ill.  So the idea of going to a meeting where people might know who I am, might know him...  I just can't.  When I found this board, I thought maybe sharing here anonymously would somehow be cathartic.  I can sort of say voice my anger, tell my story where no one knows me.  I grew up with secrets.  It was always so important to look like the perfect family.  I didn't want my kids to ever have to keep secrets like that.  I have as much anger at myself as I do at my ex.  How could I be so weak and stupid?  Why didn't I do better by my kids?  That's what I say to myself every single day. 

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 hey Lu, I totally get it.....small town, everyone knows your business...been there done that...when I was a kid, I was bullied in high school b/c EVERYONE knew of of horrid family...I got into fights galore....so yea,  we have online meets here and they are very very good....I mostly go on line for my meets b/c believe it or not, here in dallas area, there are NO GOOD alanon or CoDa meets....so I go online..it has helped me big time....you can "feel" the support in the rooms.......I grew up with secrets, too....it took me a long time to bring them to the surface in recovery, but once I started to "unload" I was like a "goose with the squirts"  you coudln't shut me up....it has helped me big time......why don't ya give it a try....

I totally understand that thing about not wanting people to know my business.  And I grew up in a family where we put a good face onto things no matter what. 

One thing about going to a meeting is that everyone is there because they have alcoholism in their family.  So no one could look at you and think or say, "Her family has that problem, while my family doesn't."  In Al-Anon we're all in the same boat.  Except we're learning how to deal with it, and people outside Al-Anon often aren't!  But anyway, everyone there has the same situation.  And if your family is well known in town and theirs isn't, in a way they have more to "lose."  Because your family's issues might be known to others already, but theirs weren't!  If you follow me.  Of course Al-Anon is confidential and no one should be talking about others outside of Al-Anon, so there really isn't any "losing".  My guess is that if you went to a local meeting, you'd find that everyday familiar people you never dreamed would be there will be in that meeting.  When I first went, I was amazed at how many of my good friends were already in Al-Anon.  And the fact that I didn't know they were in Al-Anon shows how strong the confidentiality is.  If you don't know who in town is already in it, that's because they don't talk about it outside of Al-Anon.  So that's something to think about.

Hi Lu0519

I would say come here for support and come often. As you know the idea of Al-anon is not for the qualifier but for yourself. I would hate to be mad and crazy upset all the time and I taught me how deal with myself. To love myself and to have peace with myself. I learn to take care of me no matter what the A was doing or saying. I learned to not feel guilty or have hate in my heart. I learned to walk away and TAKE CARE OF ME.

Let me just say your on the right path coming here because we have walked in your shoes and we can give you much ESH as you walk this journey.

Quote: He/She will either drink, or he/she won't.... what are YOU gonna do?

Hugs