Unable to let go of bitterness, anger and forgive her
T84 said
Jun 27, 2017
Letting go of the bitterness/anger has been difficult for me. I just started counseling, F2F meetings and this forum. My AW is still in jail and I am not sure for how long--4th DUI/probation violation. She will be sentenced in early July. This is the fourth time in jail, and according to her, she will never drink again. This is what she said the other three times in jail and four rehabs. Her letters and occasional phone calls speak of finding god in jail, rock bottom, working things out, one more chance, forgiveness, etc. All I can think of is the chaos that was my life. I do need to forgive and let go, but I have not. I barely write her, as all I want to talk about are the hurtful things of the last several years. Not healthy, so I do not write.
The forgiveness, detachment with love, etc. have not happened for me yet. I guess it takes a while to let go of everything that was bottled up for far too long.
I keep coming back to this site as it helps to read what other people are going through.
Thanks
T
Freetime said
Jun 27, 2017
Hello T, and welcome. I also felt that it took a while to let go of bitterness, anger, and forgive. I believe that these strong feelings did not become embedded in me overnight, so they could not be released overnight. It had to take a conscious effort -- just like you are doing with counseling, F2F meetings, and this forum. I also had a sponsor. I also found it helpful to write a list of the hurtful events in a journal, just to validate to myself that they really happened, but I did not show this journal to anyone else.
One thing that helped me was a quote, "Forgiveness is releasing someone from a debt they can never repay." It also helped me to remember "Progress, not perfection."
mamalioness said
Jun 27, 2017
T84 wrote:
I do need to forgive and let go, but I have not. I barely write her, as all I want to talk about are the hurtful things of the last several years. Not healthy, so I do not write.
The forgiveness, detachment with love, etc. have not happened for me yet. I guess it takes a while to let go of everything that was bottled up for far too long.
I keep coming back to this site as it helps to read what other people are going through.
Thanks
*******************************
Hi: I am glad you are here posting....because talking, sharing, debriefing as they say, just getting this OUT of you and into the universe will help....trust me I know...married to TWO Ex AH's , I was in this TWICE....2nd one was good to me..easy to forgive...1st one was a absolute mean turd.....the forgiveness thing I don't know if some deeds are forgivable, like my serial offender father (the one person I cannot forgive) BUT....I HAVE let go the hate, revenge, cursing of his soul, etc (he is dead) and it took TIME---lots of TIME---and program work....
forgiveness, IMO , is a by product of recovery, not necessary for a recovery..... but letting go and givng up the toxic emotions we feel for these people is a MUST...we gotta do it for ourselves, but in TIME...it took time to hate--Its gonna take time to get rid of it....and to detach with "Love" how about just letting go and deciding to move on with my life?? that is the best I can do for some of my sources of pain.......detach from a monster who ruined most of my life with love??? let his HP do that....I am doing OK with the detachment only---giving up/letting go the hate, revenge, urge to curse his soul, etc....
Most stuff, one can finally forgive, even, but there are some deeds that one cannot forgive...its OK but its not OK for me to hold onto the toxic, poisonous, hurting only me negative feelings towards them....I am actually coming to the place where sperm doner does not exist much to me anymore...(keeping the focus on me and self care) and as to the EX AH's??? bit by bit i am detaching....#1, with not love but just honest detachment, cutting him loose from my memories and my present mind (I hardly think of him) as to AH #2, i sent him a letter hoping he is OK and doing OK and I also took responsibility in my part in our relationship (drinking with him, and being snarky with him when he did try to go dry, but refused program, lol) there were times when I was cruel to him and it was not called for...its never OK to be cruel...now I walk away, detach..distance, whatever I have to do to take care of me and it does and HAS cut down on the resentments.....
Give yourself TIME and program work...it will happen...and I would not believe anything she says w/out LOADS of time (on her part) in AA and shes 5 years sober...then, maybe a 2nd chance.....in the mean time?? take care of you....I wouldn't do anything rash until I was in alanon for a good while and thinking more clearly.....I would get into alanon meets...keep focus on you and taking care of you....Let her work this out on her own....yea, I MIGHT be supportive IF they are getting into AA and really working, but for me?? I would have to see a BIG demonstration on their part re: AA, getting sponsor, working strong program b4 I wanted to spend any energy on this.....I would focus on ME and what can I do to rid me of all this pent up resentment and MY OWN issues over this sad situation....
Please stick with us and this program, and all its suggestions....steps, meetings, literature, sponsor, slogans, ALL of it for YOU...let her work her own karma out...You got plenty on your plate just sorting out your issues......
SerenityRUS said
Jun 27, 2017
Hugs ..
I'm dealing with some of this for multiple different reasons .. some has to do with the XAH not as much as it used to .. One thing I have learned this week is it is always more difficult to forgive the other person when there is no apology or even admittance of wrong doing. I'm dealing with that 2 fold at the moment. I am wrestling at the moment with forgiveness is about me not about the other person and regardless if they recognize or admit the transgression it doesn't mean I am condoning the behavior. It is about letting it go for it not to consume me on a hourly or daily basis. Some of what I see is literally observational things and is this the woman my HP is asking me to be and what do I want in the long run.
I am finding the experience to emotionally expensive. I would rather let go of the unnecessary burden I am carrying. At the same time some of it is a daily experience of letting go which is not always simple.
I hope that you find some peace and you are able to move forward for your own sake vs the A's sake. Your X/gf or whatever she qualifies at right now is going to continue to do what she's going to do or not do .. that is that whole I am powerless over (insert noun) and I have often said in the moment I have no doubt she believes what she is saying and the intension is there .. however that whole old saying .. the road to hell is paved with good intensions soooo applies to so much in my own life. I have found that when an active A blinks the intention is gone. That is their burden not mine.
This seems to be a pattern for me and I am the common denominator so I think right this moment I am looking at the issue of what do I want out of the act (forgiveness is a verb just like love) of forgiveness and what are my intensions as well as motives. As I currently watch a different situation play out I am reminded that I can only control my own behavior and where do I want to be in the fallout of this situation.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Jun 27, 2017
Hello T - I can truly relate to what you share and wanted to say you are exactly where you are supposed to be!!! For me, I was angry, hurt, resentful, etc. and in time, I just came to realize it was slowly improving. The step work of this program really helped me to let go and work on forgiveness. I must admit what my step work revealed over and over again was I was my own worst enemy....I was angry with myself for allowing others to negatively affect my life, I was angry with myself for being so gullible, I was angry at myself for falling in love with who I loved, etc. There is a big reason why in Al-Anon we look at us so that we can heal and deal with all this disease brings, which for me was a ton of self-doubt, low self-esteem and low self-worth.
A part of me (EGO) truly thought I should be able to beat the disease and make others well. Recovery takes time - just keep working on you and let it unfold. Sending you tons of positive energy and (((hugs))).
Aline said
Jun 27, 2017
Hi, T, I'm glad you shared. You have started your road to recovery, and it really does get better with the wisdom of the program. I used to so resentful, bitter, hateful at my abf, I never forgot the bad stuff he did and hoarded it all in my mind, because I felt it was too unfair, too painful to let it go - and one day soon he would see that and make amends, and I would not be surprised if I would have sat there with a checklist, marking meticulously all his wrongdoings: "apologized most sincerely for X - check!", etc. Lol. And then we would live happily ever after... ---- Something very much like this was going on in my brain for a long time. In any case, when I first came to Alanon I experienced a kind of " it gets worse before it gets better" moment that in part concerned my inability to let go and stop nurturing my resentments. I had learned bits from the program and had started to implement some of it in my life, but I still continued to be angry and resentful towards my abf, and also felt helplessly unable to change my sick behavior when dealing with him, not yet making noticeable progress in the program (I did reduce enabling behavior, but none of that had made ME to feel better yet!). I guess I started to see the reality of my life more clearly, and what I saw was pretty dang terrible - I had allowed myself to become such a victim, there was a time when I was more like a people-pleasing doormat at home than a person. I'm pretty amazed I made a pretty good career advancement while in this miserable state! Go figure. Well, at this critical stage when I was long enough in Alanon to see that me and my life was screwed, but not long enough to have adapted new tools to live by, I had two panic attacks and then 2-2,5 weeks just unable to do anything, mostly lieing in bed, just no energy even to sit for long, just terrible feeling of weakness in all my body. Doctors could not find anything that would explain it. I can't be totally sure, of course, but my doctor also thought it was all from stress. And after I became somewhat better I returned to work, still didn't feel well, but after two weeks I was scheduled to go to a business trip to London. I wasn't feeling completely OK, but decided to go, hoping I would not feel too bad and would be able to do my job. What happened was this trip rejuvenated me! I returned feeling better than in a long time. I hadn't obsessed over my abf and I was too excited to remember to be resentful. afterwards I was able to let go of my long-held grudges and I did it for me, because they destroyed me. It didn't happen all at once, but the terrible physical state I had apparently put myself (!) into was my rock bottom for holding on to my bitterness etc. I needed to do that so that I could live. In retrospect, all that resentment didn't accomplish anything apart from destroying me. But emotional detachment didn't yet come close for me! I just recently started to really be able to detach, so I know detachment and forgiveness was never a package deal for me. Keep coming back, the program really works if we work it, and I think you are working it great :)
shrnp said
Jun 27, 2017
T84,
It sounds like you are taking the right steps to figure it all out. I commend you for sticking by your wife for this long. Maybe your higher power is giving you exactly what you need right now, "time to yourself". You have to find a way to be comfortable with yourself and your feelings. You did not cause your wife's alcoholism and you certainly cannot cure it or control it.
Bo said
Jun 28, 2017
Letting go is hard. Getting past the anger, resentment, bitterness, etc., is hard.
I went through the "she is doing this to me" phase. It was hard to get through that. A seasoned al-anon member once said to me, dogs bark, infants cry, and alcoholics drink and do what they do. So, I realized she wasn't doing it to me. But, it was still hard to get past all that happened -- the tearing apart of our marriage and life, the ruining of her life, the impact that (I allowed) it to have on mine, the lies, the stealing, the cheating/infidelity, and so on. Today, I am past it. I have let go of whatever it is I had regarding that. It took a lot to be angry, bitter, resentful, and all of that. Emotionally and physically. Someone told me that Ghandi once said holding onto anger and hatred is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy will die.
I learned to let go and I am so much happier and healthier for doing so.
KT2015 said
Jun 28, 2017
keep focusing on you. If you can't forgive and let go yet give it some time. It helps me to forgive and let go but if I don't allow myself to recognize my feelings and process them and jump too quickly to the forgiveness part it doesn't really work.
lgnutah said
Jun 28, 2017
Shift the focus to yourself (what can I do today to take care of me?) instead of focusing on her
I read something that really struck me once. I can't remember the exact words but it said Forgiveness is cutting the strings that bind the actions of the other person to your own feelings.
T84 said
Jun 28, 2017
Bo wrote:
Letting go is hard. Getting past the anger, resentment, bitterness, etc., is hard.
I went through the "she is doing this to me" phase. It was hard to get through that. A seasoned al-anon member once said to me, dogs bark, infants cry, and alcoholics drink and do what they do. So, I realized she wasn't doing it to me. But, it was still hard to get past all that happened -- the tearing apart of our marriage and life, the ruining of her life, the impact that (I allowed) it to have on mine, the lies, the stealing, the cheating/infidelity, and so on. Today, I am past it. I have let go of whatever it is I had regarding that. It took a lot to be angry, bitter, resentful, and all of that. Emotionally and physically. Someone told me that Ghandi once said holding onto anger and hatred is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy will die.
I learned to let go and I am so much happier and healthier for doing so.
How did you let go? I am struggling.
Thanks
T
Bo said
Jun 28, 2017
T, that's a great question. For me, it was a process, and it started...at the beginning. First, was acceptance. I immersed myself in acceptance. There is a lot of handle there, so ask if you have any questions. However, it was far more than simply admitting I was powerless et al. For me, I feel there is a difference between admitting and accepting. Admitting is an act, while accepting is a state of mind, a mindset, etc. Once I accepted -- I stopped trying to do all the things I did for years. I stopped trying to fix it, control it, cure it, get her to stop drinking, control her drinking, I stopped begging, pleading, trying to prove, convince, threaten, and so on and so on. Been there, done that and I tried everything. So, I finally accepted that there was nothing -- absolutely nothing -- I could do to get her to stop drinking, get clean, sober, and healthy. It was absolutely and completely up to her. Period.
Second, after acceptance, I realized I could be sad about what she was doing. I could be sad about what was happening, to her, our marriage, etc. However, I stopped trying to do anything about her and her actions, behavior, drinking, drug use, etc. So, I was sad, even angry at times...but the key here was that I didn't let that sadness or anger consume me, change me, alter my decisions and behavior, or impact my actions or lack thereof. When I was in it and doing the work -- I did readings every single day, morning and evening. I spoke to my sponsor, every single day, sometimes multiple times. I also went to a meeting, every single day. You've probably heard of 90 in 90 (90 meetings in 90 days). Well, when I was at my rock bottom and getting better was all I wanted, the most important thing in the world...I did 180 plus in 90. I called my sponsor every single day and we talked, did readings, shared everything and anything. I did readings many times a day. All of this made change in me, because I was ready. All of this changed my thinking, attitude, and so much more.
Third, I learned that not letting go was hurting me and causing me more pain than I wanted and than was necessary. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. It was physically and emotionally draining to hang on and not let go. I looked to my compassion, for myself and for others. I looked and realized she has a disease and was not doing this to me. All of this, was about her. Not me. I was humble, honest, and confident in my truth. I didn't make her cheat on me. I didn't do anything to get her to do that. Even if she said so, it was not true. I knew my truth.
I realized that she was not well and was lashing out, attacking, and was in pain. She was an angry and bitter person. And I was the target. I focused on myself and made sure I didn't accept unacceptable behavior. I would no longer be a doormat. Thus, I had to get up off the floor. I was not a victim, I had been a volunteer. No more. So, I let go. I had faith. Whatever she did, it had nothing to do with me.
Perhaps you are now at a point where you are feeling you have to make a decision? What is it you are feeling aside from the struggling of not being able to let go? This is not about her, when she gets out, swearing to never drink again, etc. This is about YOU.
Letting go of the bitterness/anger has been difficult for me. I just started counseling, F2F meetings and this forum. My AW is still in jail and I am not sure for how long--4th DUI/probation violation. She will be sentenced in early July. This is the fourth time in jail, and according to her, she will never drink again. This is what she said the other three times in jail and four rehabs. Her letters and occasional phone calls speak of finding god in jail, rock bottom, working things out, one more chance, forgiveness, etc. All I can think of is the chaos that was my life. I do need to forgive and let go, but I have not. I barely write her, as all I want to talk about are the hurtful things of the last several years. Not healthy, so I do not write.
The forgiveness, detachment with love, etc. have not happened for me yet. I guess it takes a while to let go of everything that was bottled up for far too long.
I keep coming back to this site as it helps to read what other people are going through.
Thanks
T
One thing that helped me was a quote, "Forgiveness is releasing someone from a debt they can never repay." It also helped me to remember "Progress, not perfection."
I'm dealing with some of this for multiple different reasons .. some has to do with the XAH not as much as it used to .. One thing I have learned this week is it is always more difficult to forgive the other person when there is no apology or even admittance of wrong doing. I'm dealing with that 2 fold at the moment. I am wrestling at the moment with forgiveness is about me not about the other person and regardless if they recognize or admit the transgression it doesn't mean I am condoning the behavior. It is about letting it go for it not to consume me on a hourly or daily basis. Some of what I see is literally observational things and is this the woman my HP is asking me to be and what do I want in the long run.
I am finding the experience to emotionally expensive. I would rather let go of the unnecessary burden I am carrying. At the same time some of it is a daily experience of letting go which is not always simple.
I hope that you find some peace and you are able to move forward for your own sake vs the A's sake. Your X/gf or whatever she qualifies at right now is going to continue to do what she's going to do or not do .. that is that whole I am powerless over (insert noun) and I have often said in the moment I have no doubt she believes what she is saying and the intension is there .. however that whole old saying .. the road to hell is paved with good intensions soooo applies to so much in my own life. I have found that when an active A blinks the intention is gone. That is their burden not mine.
This seems to be a pattern for me and I am the common denominator so I think right this moment I am looking at the issue of what do I want out of the act (forgiveness is a verb just like love) of forgiveness and what are my intensions as well as motives. As I currently watch a different situation play out I am reminded that I can only control my own behavior and where do I want to be in the fallout of this situation.
Hugs S :)
A part of me (EGO) truly thought I should be able to beat the disease and make others well. Recovery takes time - just keep working on you and let it unfold. Sending you tons of positive energy and (((hugs))).
It sounds like you are taking the right steps to figure it all out. I commend you for sticking by your wife for this long. Maybe your higher power is giving you exactly what you need right now, "time to yourself". You have to find a way to be comfortable with yourself and your feelings. You did not cause your wife's alcoholism and you certainly cannot cure it or control it.
I went through the "she is doing this to me" phase. It was hard to get through that. A seasoned al-anon member once said to me, dogs bark, infants cry, and alcoholics drink and do what they do. So, I realized she wasn't doing it to me. But, it was still hard to get past all that happened -- the tearing apart of our marriage and life, the ruining of her life, the impact that (I allowed) it to have on mine, the lies, the stealing, the cheating/infidelity, and so on. Today, I am past it. I have let go of whatever it is I had regarding that. It took a lot to be angry, bitter, resentful, and all of that. Emotionally and physically. Someone told me that Ghandi once said holding onto anger and hatred is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy will die.
I learned to let go and I am so much happier and healthier for doing so.
I read something that really struck me once. I can't remember the exact words but it said Forgiveness is cutting the strings that bind the actions of the other person to your own feelings.
How did you let go? I am struggling.
Thanks
T
Second, after acceptance, I realized I could be sad about what she was doing. I could be sad about what was happening, to her, our marriage, etc. However, I stopped trying to do anything about her and her actions, behavior, drinking, drug use, etc. So, I was sad, even angry at times...but the key here was that I didn't let that sadness or anger consume me, change me, alter my decisions and behavior, or impact my actions or lack thereof. When I was in it and doing the work -- I did readings every single day, morning and evening. I spoke to my sponsor, every single day, sometimes multiple times. I also went to a meeting, every single day. You've probably heard of 90 in 90 (90 meetings in 90 days). Well, when I was at my rock bottom and getting better was all I wanted, the most important thing in the world...I did 180 plus in 90. I called my sponsor every single day and we talked, did readings, shared everything and anything. I did readings many times a day. All of this made change in me, because I was ready. All of this changed my thinking, attitude, and so much more.
Third, I learned that not letting go was hurting me and causing me more pain than I wanted and than was necessary. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. It was physically and emotionally draining to hang on and not let go. I looked to my compassion, for myself and for others. I looked and realized she has a disease and was not doing this to me. All of this, was about her. Not me. I was humble, honest, and confident in my truth. I didn't make her cheat on me. I didn't do anything to get her to do that. Even if she said so, it was not true. I knew my truth.
I realized that she was not well and was lashing out, attacking, and was in pain. She was an angry and bitter person. And I was the target. I focused on myself and made sure I didn't accept unacceptable behavior. I would no longer be a doormat. Thus, I had to get up off the floor. I was not a victim, I had been a volunteer. No more. So, I let go. I had faith. Whatever she did, it had nothing to do with me.
Perhaps you are now at a point where you are feeling you have to make a decision? What is it you are feeling aside from the struggling of not being able to let go? This is not about her, when she gets out, swearing to never drink again, etc. This is about YOU.