Well, My AH of almost 14 years came home drunk and very angry Friday morning (a week ago) because I wouldn't give him a ride home from the bar. I guess he ended up walking home and was fuming mad by the time he got there. He woke me up but when I layed back down to avoid the alcohol induced arguments he loved to get into. He started punching me in the face. He knocked me out after the first or second punch. I woke up to the paramedics working on me. As it turns out my 12 year old son snuck downstairs, hid behind our couch and called the police. He saved my life. I ended up with a fractured eye socket, fractured cheekbones, broken nose, he knocked teeth out, several stitches in my mouth, I almost bit through my tongue and a hemorrhage on my brain. I am also 3 1/2 months pregnant with our 4th child. It breaks my heart the the first 12 years of being together he was sober and an AMAZING husband and father. This past year and a half since he relapsed has been a living nightmare. We are all devestated and I am moving my kids 4 hours away so we can all heal and start over. i know this is the right thing to do. But as terrible as he has been, I miss him. My kids miss him. We miss the old him!!
hotrod said
Jun 26, 2017
((Dlove)) I am so very sorry that you have been hurt so badly . This disease is indeed dreadful and it is good that your son was prompted to call for help. Glad you have arranged new living arrangements and am sending healing positive thooughts to you and your family.
You are not alone so please do keep coming back.
KT2015 said
Jun 26, 2017
Dlove,
I'm so sorry to hear you have been hurt so badly. I am glad to hear you are taking care of you and keeping yourself and your children safe now. My mom lived with an abusive alcoholic when I was young and I called the police more than once during one of his abusive outbursts. I saw how difficult it was for her to leave because she kept holding on to who he was when she met him. It took a few tries but she eventually got out of that relationship and we lived much safer lives. Take care of you (and the kids) first the rest will come with time. ((((gentle hugs)))))))
Bo said
Jun 26, 2017
Dlove wrote:
Well, My AH of almost 14 years came home drunk and very angry Friday morning (a week ago) because I wouldn't give him a ride home from the bar. I guess he ended up walking home and was fuming mad by the time he got there. He woke me up but when I layed back down to avoid the alcohol induced arguments he loved to get into. He started punching me in the face. He knocked me out after the first or second punch. I woke up to the paramedics working on me. As it turns out my 12 year old son snuck downstairs, hid behind our couch and called the police. He saved my life. I ended up with a fractured eye socket, fractured cheekbones, broken nose, he knocked teeth out, several stitches in my mouth, I almost bit through my tongue and a hemorrhage on my brain. I am also 3 1/2 months pregnant with our 4th child. It breaks my heart the the first 12 years of being together he was sober and an AMAZING husband and father. This past year and a half since he relapsed has been a living nightmare. We are all devestated and I am moving my kids 4 hours away so we can all heal and start over. i know this is the right thing to do. But as terrible as he has been, I miss him. My kids miss him. We miss the old him!!
Dlove, I admire and respect you, tremendously. You are a hero to your children and to us. You have made the best -- by far the best -- and the only decision, and you are taking care of you and your children. I don't mean any offense, but this man could have killed you! What I mean, is that, he is not a bad man trying to be good. He is a sick man who has not decided to and doesn't want to get well. That's his decision.
That said, OK, so, it is OK for you to miss him. However, don't allow that to impact your decision-making. Don't allow emotions, or emotional duress to supercede common sense and intellect. Don't waver. Stand in your truth -- embrace it -- as you said YOU know this is the right thing to do. It is the only thing to do. It is OK to miss him, the old him. But that old him is gone. The old him is, for all intents and purposes, dead now. He died when he relapsed and spiraled downward into the abyss, through this horrible disease -- which is insidious, progressive, devastating, dangerous and can and will destroy him and you and your children. The old him can come back, come back to life, etc. -- and that is UP TO HIM. Alone. Not you. There is nothing you can do about it. It is up to him. He has to want it more than you. He has to do it -- get clean and sober -- for him.
Right now, just for today, one day at a time -- focus on YOU. Focus on your kids. Be there for them. For each other. Go to face to face meetings as soon as you can. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work. Feel the pain and surrender to it -- the pain of missing the old him -- and go through it. You can't go around it, under it or over it...you have to go through it. You can feel it, surrender to it and let it go, and it won't consume you. Work with your sponsor on this.
Keep coming back. We are here for you.
Iamhere said
Jun 26, 2017
(((Dlove))) - sending you tons of healing prayers and thoughts. I too am sorry for what has happened.
Grieving is a natural process and that is what I think I am hearing in your share. I recall grieving for what used to be, who I used to be with and how it once was. I had to go through that grieving to get to the other side.
Please know that you are cared for and we support you as we can from 'cyber-space'. I am glad you have a plan, a place to go and support even if it's in another place. Lean into your program and your higher power and let things unfold as they will. (((hugs))) and loving support.
SerenityRUS said
Jun 26, 2017
Ohhh big hugs .. I am sooo sorry that you and your family are going through this .. the best thing you can do for you and yours is get the help you desperately need and take care of yourself and your little ones. Kudos to your oldest for calling the police that poor kiddo must have been terrified for you. I agree with all of the posters above me .. you are first and foremost because your children need and deserve at least one healthy parent during the craziness. You are not at fault for his behavior nothing you did or didn't do this is ON him.
Big hugs and keep coming back .. violence in the home is never ever ok.
shrnp said
Jun 26, 2017
Dlove,
I am very sorry you and your children are going through this, it must have been very frightening. Your husband is obviously very sick, and needs professional help. Take this time and be healthy for your children.
Kub said
Jun 26, 2017
Dlove, that was so sad to read. I'm sorry that happened to you. My goodness I can't imagine what you and your children are going through right now. I'm going to say some prayers for your family.
Jayla said
Jun 26, 2017
(((Dlove))) big hugs. I'm so sorry for you guys. I understand what you say too about missing the "old him" because that is how I feel about my AH. But I guess the "old hims" aren't coming back. Best of luck to you in your new life.
Dlove said
Jun 27, 2017
Thank you everyone for your responses. I really needed that today. I am in a world where I am surrounded by family who is angry with him for what he has done but I feel like I have to hide my feelings of missing him, missing what used to be. No one understands. I am grieving the death of our relationship, our family as it once was. Thank you everyone for letting me fall apart on here. After reading everyone's comments I felt encouraged. I just had a meeting with the prosecuting attorney today and he is looking at 10 years for what he did. I desperately needed the encouragement tonight and I am so thankful.
Staci said
Jun 27, 2017
Hi Dlove. I hope you get to feeling better and I hope everything works out for you and your kids. About a month ago my alcoholic brother gave me a concussion and the DA is going to decide if he is going to press charges against him. I provided the police report and my medical report with him so hopefully he will pick up the charges. Its just a waiting game right now. Im so sorry this happened to you also. You are jn my thoughts Dlove. Have a good evening and take care of you and your kids.
el-cee said
Jun 27, 2017
Im sorry , that is an awful thing to happen to you and your family. I hope you can get to alanon meetings and get support and healing for yourself.
el-cee said
Jun 27, 2017
You and your children are in my prayers and now at least you and your kids get safety and peace back in your lives, its such a shame it had to come to this for all of you. Im so so sorry.x
Iamhere said
Jun 27, 2017
(((DLove))) - my family also does not 'get it'. Of course, my family is also in denial about alcoholism and believe it's a moral dilemma vs. a disease. Give yourself the gift of venting here anytime, any way you need to - I so understand.
Also, as you are in a period of change, if you can - get to some meetings. I am sure a part of you believes you don't have time - I recall that feeling to when chaos/crisis was around. What I did learn is that it's only an hour and the return on that invested hour is way, way, way worth it.
Grieving what was is natural. My standard answer to my family - who mean well - when they ask if I'm OK is "I am still processing" or "it doesn't seem real yet" or "I am just not sure how I feel"...in my family, fewer words in my responses results in fewer discussions full of anger, advice, you should....etc.
We are here for you. Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Bo said
Jun 27, 2017
Dlove wrote:
Thank you everyone for your responses. I really needed that today. I am in a world where I am surrounded by family who is angry with him for what he has done but I feel like I have to hide my feelings of missing him, missing what used to be. No one understands. I am grieving the death of our relationship, our family as it once was. Thank you everyone for letting me fall apart on here. After reading everyone's comments I felt encouraged. I just had a meeting with the prosecuting attorney today and he is looking at 10 years for what he did. I desperately needed the encouragement tonight and I am so thankful.
Dlove, we understand. Absent the horrific physical assault, when I was with my family -- they were relieved I left and very supportive of me taking that step. However, when I started to display even the slightest amount of sadness, mourning the loss of my marriage (15 years) -- they were also supportive. They gave me positive words, told me it was for the best, that I needed to do this, there was nothing else I could do, and so on. Family sometimes surprises you. While I wouldn't expect them to completely understand -- and they won't understand the al-anon methodology -- try. Go slow. Express a little of what you are feeling to them. If positive, then that' good. If not, back off a little.
Stay strong. We are here for you.
WestMan said
Jun 27, 2017
Hi Dlove. I'm sorry for what you and your children are going through. Glad you have family support but can understand how it would be difficult to tell them about your feelings. I also hope you can find a face to face Al Anon mtg and maybe Alateen for your son. I have to say your son was very brave and quick thinking. I wish you peace. Be gentle with yourself in coming days.
shrnp said
Jun 27, 2017
Dlove, You are being very brave, it is a very difficult thing going to court. Saying prayers for you and your children. Most states have free domestic violence counseling they are the specialist if you need someone to talk to. The courts will even help with counseling.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 27th of June 2017 01:36:53 PM
mamalioness said
Jun 27, 2017
hotrod wrote:
((Dlove)) I am so very sorry that you have been hurt so badly . This disease is indeed dreadful and it is good that your son was prompted to call for help. Glad you have arranged new living arrangements and am sending healing positive thooughts to you and your family. You are not alone so please do keep coming back.
I could not agree with hotrod more: so sorry he hurt you like that and when you start feeling weak or tempted , just remember , that until he is sober in AA for a LONG time, he could do it again and next time kill you....My heart breaks for your son, having to see that and having to call the police...NO child should have to experience that.....Please keep coming back...when you feel better, I hope you can find some alanon meets near you, a sponsor and start working on putting your life back together...The kids need you, but trust me..when they start getting physical, it never gets better..yea, its heartbreaking but this dreadful poison they drink can make them dangerous...Anytime they do what he did to you, they go from just being a drunk to someone dangerous to be around, but I know you know that so I will shut up and send you some peace and love and encourage you to keep hanging out here, and please, do take care of you...You deserve to be happy and at peace........may your injuries heal fast w/out any complications......
Junenine said
Jun 27, 2017
(((DLove))) I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible experience. And so glad you've decided to leave. You're making the best and healthiest decision for yourself and your children. Of course you miss the old him (I understand that completely)... but sadly, that old version of him has gone missing on you, and the person who is there now is clearly dangerous. It's amazing how alcohol can transform a person. The disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Sending you strength and warmest wishes as you move forward. You will have your feelings (including sadness and missing him), but it's now about safety and a healthy environment for you and your children. Period. They are lucky to have you. Move forward and stay strong... hugs.
sunmustshine said
Jun 28, 2017
DLove, thoughts and prayers for you and your children. What a terrifying trama to have endured. Take the very best care of yourself and your darlings. You deserve the world. I'm so glad you are alive to make a new life. Wishing you strength, peace and love.
Mattie said
Jun 28, 2017
I am so sorry all this has happened. What a terrifying experience with your son, thinking that your A might kill you and your boy would have to deal with his mother's death and no one but his violent dad to raise him - or not even that, since your A would surely go to jail. He was moments away from being an orphan. That is absolutely terrifying. I hope he has some access to some professional support. He must be very grief-stricken and angry and traumatized. Not to say that you are not too, of course. I know what a terrible shock it is when we had such high hopes and then it all turns to ashes. Adjusting to the new reality is not an easy task.
I remember when my mother died, at some moments I was so upset that I lost touch with what really was. The pain was so unbearable that I thought, "This isn't really happening, she isn't really gone." I knew she really was, but my mind just couldn't handle it, so I would have those moments of denial. I found out later that this is actually common. Especially mothers who lose their babies tend to have times like that.
I think that also affected me in my relationship. The pain of it getting bad was so awful that sometimes I pretended my way away from the truth. "It can't be really happening, I want the old relationship back. I want the old happiness." I retreated into a kind of denial because it was so painful.
That's natural but of course it keeps us stuck. And it keeps us from moving forward to the happiness that is in store for us when we move away from the chaos and suffering.
I hope you have a meeting - maybe a sponsor? No one should have to got through this alone. Hugs.
jenmom said
Jul 1, 2017
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Hugs.
Well, My AH of almost 14 years came home drunk and very angry Friday morning (a week ago) because I wouldn't give him a ride home from the bar. I guess he ended up walking home and was fuming mad by the time he got there. He woke me up but when I layed back down to avoid the alcohol induced arguments he loved to get into. He started punching me in the face. He knocked me out after the first or second punch. I woke up to the paramedics working on me. As it turns out my 12 year old son snuck downstairs, hid behind our couch and called the police. He saved my life. I ended up with a fractured eye socket, fractured cheekbones, broken nose, he knocked teeth out, several stitches in my mouth, I almost bit through my tongue and a hemorrhage on my brain. I am also 3 1/2 months pregnant with our 4th child. It breaks my heart the the first 12 years of being together he was sober and an AMAZING husband and father. This past year and a half since he relapsed has been a living nightmare. We are all devestated and I am moving my kids 4 hours away so we can all heal and start over. i know this is the right thing to do. But as terrible as he has been, I miss him. My kids miss him. We miss the old him!!
You are not alone so please do keep coming back.
I'm so sorry to hear you have been hurt so badly. I am glad to hear you are taking care of you and keeping yourself and your children safe now. My mom lived with an abusive alcoholic when I was young and I called the police more than once during one of his abusive outbursts. I saw how difficult it was for her to leave because she kept holding on to who he was when she met him. It took a few tries but she eventually got out of that relationship and we lived much safer lives. Take care of you (and the kids) first the rest will come with time. ((((gentle hugs)))))))
Dlove, I admire and respect you, tremendously. You are a hero to your children and to us. You have made the best -- by far the best -- and the only decision, and you are taking care of you and your children. I don't mean any offense, but this man could have killed you! What I mean, is that, he is not a bad man trying to be good. He is a sick man who has not decided to and doesn't want to get well. That's his decision.
That said, OK, so, it is OK for you to miss him. However, don't allow that to impact your decision-making. Don't allow emotions, or emotional duress to supercede common sense and intellect. Don't waver. Stand in your truth -- embrace it -- as you said YOU know this is the right thing to do. It is the only thing to do. It is OK to miss him, the old him. But that old him is gone. The old him is, for all intents and purposes, dead now. He died when he relapsed and spiraled downward into the abyss, through this horrible disease -- which is insidious, progressive, devastating, dangerous and can and will destroy him and you and your children. The old him can come back, come back to life, etc. -- and that is UP TO HIM. Alone. Not you. There is nothing you can do about it. It is up to him. He has to want it more than you. He has to do it -- get clean and sober -- for him.
Right now, just for today, one day at a time -- focus on YOU. Focus on your kids. Be there for them. For each other. Go to face to face meetings as soon as you can. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work. Feel the pain and surrender to it -- the pain of missing the old him -- and go through it. You can't go around it, under it or over it...you have to go through it. You can feel it, surrender to it and let it go, and it won't consume you. Work with your sponsor on this.
Keep coming back. We are here for you.
Grieving is a natural process and that is what I think I am hearing in your share. I recall grieving for what used to be, who I used to be with and how it once was. I had to go through that grieving to get to the other side.
Please know that you are cared for and we support you as we can from 'cyber-space'. I am glad you have a plan, a place to go and support even if it's in another place. Lean into your program and your higher power and let things unfold as they will. (((hugs))) and loving support.
Big hugs and keep coming back .. violence in the home is never ever ok.
I am very sorry you and your children are going through this, it must have been very frightening. Your husband is obviously very sick, and needs professional help. Take this time and be healthy for your children.
Also, as you are in a period of change, if you can - get to some meetings. I am sure a part of you believes you don't have time - I recall that feeling to when chaos/crisis was around. What I did learn is that it's only an hour and the return on that invested hour is way, way, way worth it.
Grieving what was is natural. My standard answer to my family - who mean well - when they ask if I'm OK is "I am still processing" or "it doesn't seem real yet" or "I am just not sure how I feel"...in my family, fewer words in my responses results in fewer discussions full of anger, advice, you should....etc.
We are here for you. Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Dlove, we understand. Absent the horrific physical assault, when I was with my family -- they were relieved I left and very supportive of me taking that step. However, when I started to display even the slightest amount of sadness, mourning the loss of my marriage (15 years) -- they were also supportive. They gave me positive words, told me it was for the best, that I needed to do this, there was nothing else I could do, and so on. Family sometimes surprises you. While I wouldn't expect them to completely understand -- and they won't understand the al-anon methodology -- try. Go slow. Express a little of what you are feeling to them. If positive, then that' good. If not, back off a little.
Stay strong. We are here for you.
Hi Dlove. I'm sorry for what you and your children are going through. Glad you have family support but can understand how it would be difficult to tell them about your feelings. I also hope you can find a face to face Al Anon mtg and maybe Alateen for your son. I have to say your son was very brave and quick thinking. I wish you peace. Be gentle with yourself in coming days.
Dlove,
You are being very brave, it is a very difficult thing going to court. Saying prayers for you and your children. Most states have free domestic violence counseling they are the specialist if you need someone to talk to. The courts will even help with counseling.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 27th of June 2017 01:36:53 PM
I could not agree with hotrod more: so sorry he hurt you like that and when you start feeling weak or tempted , just remember , that until he is sober in AA for a LONG time, he could do it again and next time kill you....My heart breaks for your son, having to see that and having to call the police...NO child should have to experience that.....Please keep coming back...when you feel better, I hope you can find some alanon meets near you, a sponsor and start working on putting your life back together...The kids need you, but trust me..when they start getting physical, it never gets better..yea, its heartbreaking but this dreadful poison they drink can make them dangerous...Anytime they do what he did to you, they go from just being a drunk to someone dangerous to be around, but I know you know that so I will shut up and send you some peace and love and encourage you to keep hanging out here, and please, do take care of you...You deserve to be happy and at peace........may your injuries heal fast w/out any complications......
(((DLove))) I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible experience. And so glad you've decided to leave. You're making the best and healthiest decision for yourself and your children. Of course you miss the old him (I understand that completely)... but sadly, that old version of him has gone missing on you, and the person who is there now is clearly dangerous. It's amazing how alcohol can transform a person. The disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Sending you strength and warmest wishes as you move forward. You will have your feelings (including sadness and missing him), but it's now about safety and a healthy environment for you and your children. Period. They are lucky to have you. Move forward and stay strong... hugs.
I am so sorry all this has happened. What a terrifying experience with your son, thinking that your A might kill you and your boy would have to deal with his mother's death and no one but his violent dad to raise him - or not even that, since your A would surely go to jail. He was moments away from being an orphan. That is absolutely terrifying. I hope he has some access to some professional support. He must be very grief-stricken and angry and traumatized. Not to say that you are not too, of course. I know what a terrible shock it is when we had such high hopes and then it all turns to ashes. Adjusting to the new reality is not an easy task.
I remember when my mother died, at some moments I was so upset that I lost touch with what really was. The pain was so unbearable that I thought, "This isn't really happening, she isn't really gone." I knew she really was, but my mind just couldn't handle it, so I would have those moments of denial. I found out later that this is actually common. Especially mothers who lose their babies tend to have times like that.
I think that also affected me in my relationship. The pain of it getting bad was so awful that sometimes I pretended my way away from the truth. "It can't be really happening, I want the old relationship back. I want the old happiness." I retreated into a kind of denial because it was so painful.
That's natural but of course it keeps us stuck. And it keeps us from moving forward to the happiness that is in store for us when we move away from the chaos and suffering.
I hope you have a meeting - maybe a sponsor? No one should have to got through this alone. Hugs.