Hi, I'm new to the boards but came for help. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 6 (half my life). We have a 2 year old and a surprise baby on the way due in october. Husband has been dealing with depression and alcohol abuse for a year and a half. He gets destructive in our home (breaking walls, doors, locks) always wants to fight, blames me for his problems, he got so drunk he was non functional on a vacation last summer, since this may he has been hospitalized 3 times (twice for high levels or alcohol and once for suicide attempts) . We had vacation to Disney world and he stayed in the hotel bed for two days and then got so drunk he had to be hospitalized on the third - never even went to the parks with my daughter and I. He was home from that hospital stay for 2 days before he got drunk, physically abused me, broke glass everywhere and I had to get an emergency protective order against him. I know I need to leave, that my daughter's deserve better, that I deserve better, that living for the once in a while day that he is himself is not an okay way to leave, so why do I feel so guilty leaving? I know I am fearful of admitting and acknowledging that i will be a divorced single mom of two, and that I don't really know what's it's like to be without him after so long, and I fear that if we do get divorced he will be alone with our girls and possibly too drunk or depressed to get out of bed and take care of them or try to kill himself while taking care of them.
I just don't know how to deal with the guilt of leaving and do what is best for me and my girls.... help...
mamalioness said
Jun 24, 2017
Oh bless your heart!!!! normally I just don't say anything to influence a person to go--stay--- but when it comes to physical abuse and children are witnessing it, I support and encourage leaving!! its not safe..when they start getting physical which my Ex-AH #1 did, I was gone--I draw the line when it comes to ANY abuse, but its really bad when it gets physical---I do hope you have a safe place to run to when he gets that way..Do you have an emergency "go to" safe place?? I would find out where the nearest woman's DV shelter is in case you have to run on a moments notice
I think the guilt comes in because we think we can "save" them but deep in our hearts we know we cannot so self preservation kicks in and we feel bad about leaving..I got over that real fast when my Ex AH #1 nearly broke my back slamming me against the kitchen sink...half your life is a long time but you and your children deserve a long and SAFE life...
Please post here and try and find an alanon meeting near you..the folks there can guide you as to where you can go if emergency occurs....Please be safe for you and those little girls...You know?? if the kids see enough of that , they will marry it because they won't know any better...I married abusers because that is what I saw with the parents..His bashing her around and her being injured but because she was an alcoholic, half the time she was so loose from being drunk, she didn't ever get seriously hurt...cuts and bruises, but we kids witnessed that...so we girls, both of us married abusers...my brothers...2 are abusive to women...1 is kind, gentle...my buddy who is also an alcoholic...He just gets loud and boisterous but never have seen him abuse a woman...But trust me...growing up in that kind of environment messes up a kid..I know..I am here for life....
Please keep coming back...We are here and we are listening with caring hearts......hugs of support
a4l said
Jun 24, 2017
Support network, ASAP. Parents? Friends? Community groups? Free counselling? Alanon meetings as well. Good on you for reaching out here. It was my beginning in a similar situation a few years back. Keep coming back.
Rach32986 said
Jun 24, 2017
Thankyou both for your quick replies. In my head I know I need to divorce, it is just easy for me to remember the 12 years alcoholism and depression didn't affect our relationship and fantasize about that and think it will just magically come back. I know my 2 year old has seen more than she should even though H says "she's 2 she doesn't know" every time. He actually was so out of his mind before I got the order of protection he pushed me down by my pregnant belly.... So far he has stayed away but it has only been 5 days of the order (and i found out from police that he is in the hospital again for trying to kill hinself). I just need to hear from others that it is okay to leave I guess.... I am just so fearful of his getting time alone with the girls in a custody agreement.
-- Edited by Rach32986 on Saturday 24th of June 2017 10:21:51 AM
hotrod said
Jun 24, 2017
((Rach)) I agree a support network is essential . Please keep coming back here as well
Bo said
Jun 24, 2017
Rach32986 wrote:
Thankyou both for your quick replies. In my head I know I need to divorce, it is just easy for me to remember the 12 years alcoholism and depression didn't affect our relationship and fantasize about that and think it will just magically come back. I know my 2 year old has seen more than she should even though H says "she's 2 she doesn't know" every time. He actually was so out of his mind before I got the order of protection he pushed me down by my pregnant belly.... So far he has stayed away but it has only been 5 days of the order (and i found out from police that he is in the hospital again for trying to kill hinself). I just need to hear from others that it is okay to leave I guess.... I am just so fearful of his getting time alone with the girls in a custody agreement.
-- Edited by Rach32986 on Saturday 24th of June 2017 10:21:51 AM
Rachel, I am sorry to hear you are going through this, however, I am glad you are here and hopefully you are "in the rooms" of al-anon meetings. If you are, then, you are in the right place. The answers you seek -- are already inside you and are also inside the rooms of face to face al-anon meetings. Now, someone may not walk up to you and tell you what to do, teach you some secret handshake, or answer some tough question. But you will find the answers. This may seem odd or difficult to understand -- but the insight, perspective, experience, and wisdom of others in the rooms, will help you. The tools, slogans, reading books, the knowledge, the lessons you will learn -- all of that will bring you to a higher level -- of clarity, focus, understanding, and more.
Continuous work -- work on yourself, focusing on you, hearing and learning from others -- will bring you to a place where you will be able to make decisions, quality decisions, from a place of intelligence, being healthy, calm, cool, collective...as opposed to now, making decisions from a place of emotion, fear, confusion, duress, a lack of clarity and focus, desperation, and more.
Now, that said -- I read your posts. While you didn't provide details...there are some very serious ingredients here that cannot be ignored. Physical violence. Upon a pregnant woman. An order of protection (TRO, temporary restraining order). An active drinker, who drinks to an excess, which results with violence and volatility. That is all I need to hear. You are in danger. No excuses! No discussion necessary or even permitted in my mind. You said several times you know you have to leave. You also said "I just need to hear from others that it is okay to leave I guess" and then coupled that with you being so fearful of his getting time alone with your daughters in a custody agreement. Focus on NOW. The next minute. Speak with an attorney. I can't give legal advice however, where I am from, my experience is that at best, at most, he might, might get supervised visitation...and that would only be based upon his medical records, treatment, diagnosis, etc. -- and right now, there's an order of protection!!! So, where I come from -- no visitation. But, don't worry about that now. Cross that bridge later. You and your daughter's will be fine. You know what you need to do.
You are a brave, strong woman. One who will and is looking out for herself and her children. I admire and respect you and what you are doing in just addressing this. Being a divorced, single mother of two is not a social stigma. It is not something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. It is a badge of honor!!! You...are my hero.
Iamhere said
Jun 24, 2017
Welcome to MIP Rachel - so glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is progressive disease and is never cured. It's considered a family disease as most who live with or love an alcoholic are also affected.
I am sorry for the impact the disease has had on your life and your marriage. In Al-Anon, we offer ESH - Experience, Strength & Hope with each other to support everyone's healing/dealing. Abuse is one exception and he advice we give is to seek any/all support in your area as quickly as possible. That may include, but not be limited to lawyer, court services, shelter counseling, etc.
Sometimes when things 'explode' we try to process way more than what we can handle. What is truly most important is your safety right now and then some healing to determine best next steps. Great things about Al-Anon recovery is support that is local and like family. You can share or not and never be judged or advised. We learn to set boundaries and detach. We come to understand that no human power can battle the disease and instead we save ourselves. One thing I had to remind myself often is whatever is happening today (good or bad) will change and what I decide today isn't necessarily a 'forever decision'.
I have the right, as do you, to a peaceful existence and home. We all have the right to be happy, healthy and whole. Seek out any/all resources you can to seek peace for you and your daughters. You deserve it!
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery...
shrnp said
Jun 24, 2017
Rach, You are not alone there are a lot of agencies that can help you, if you do not have the means to be somewhere safe with your children. Alcoholism is a disease and your husband is sick. If he gets violent when he drinks then you cannot help him, you have to do what is best for your children. They need a strong healthy mamma. You can get in trouble if someone found out he was acting like that around your children. Then they will not have you either. There are professionals that can help your husband right now. That is the only answer I could come up with when my ex-bf's drinking got really bad. I am just a person, I was not trained to deal with the disease as it got progressive and he became sicker. Alanon is a great fellowship for support whether you stay with your husband or leave. Everyone in Alanon has a loved one dealing with alcoholism. I hope things get better for you.
-- Edited by shrnp on Saturday 24th of June 2017 10:56:03 PM
Jerry F said
Jun 24, 2017
((((Rachel)))) that hug is all I can offer for this moment and some of the tools the old-timers in Al-Anon gave me. I have been somewhat where you are at now only I was the violent one which came close to taking my alcoholic/addicts life. My mind was destroyed by the disease and I acted out...Thank God it didn't end fatally. I did a lot of projecting into the future on our/my issues with the disease and what help was the fellowship teaching me to "Stay in the moment", "One day at a time", "Let go and Let God". Because of the insanity I was dealing I was not able to make rational decisions by reacting so the slowing down and patience helped me to respond instead and eventually a divorce did come after 5 years of working the Al-Anon Program first as suggested. It was a divorce that hurt and didn't kill me or her and eventually when we finally parted we did so in love knowing we should have never married while within alcoholism and drug addiction. I learned how to accept her unconditionally which I never experienced when married to her...amazing.
Guilt is normal because I was trying to follow rules I thought were required and unbreakable given to me ages before by others who could not or would not follow them themselves. I didn't break the rules and my alcoholic/addict didn't either we were under the influence of a mind altering, mood altering chemical(s) which ran on other rules of insanity. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know and I had to learn from the fellowship that did...now I know.
Welcome to the board and MIP Family...Keep coming back and stick with us...follow the suggestions you hear...meetings; look in the white pages of your local telephone book for Al-Anon and call as soon as you will to find out the where and when they get together in your area.
(((((hugs)))))
Mcat54 said
Jun 25, 2017
Hi Rachel. Hugs to you and your sweet girls. I raised my daughter alone because I didn't want her to be subjected to her dad. Somehow, it was ok for me, but once she was born, I saw that I didn't want that for her. Then, I realized I actually deserved better myself.
You'll hear in al-anon that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Someone in a meeting very helpfully added "and you can't make it worse." We just are not that powerful, no matter how much others try to make us feel responsible for them and their poor choices.
Having just completed the process of divorce, it was helpful to hear that I didn't have to have it all figured out. I just had to take the first step, then the next and the next. Only when I was ready. Praying for HP's will and the power to carry it out.
I will pray for you and your family. That you are safe and guided to do the next right thing, every step of the way. You're not alone. Hugs and blessings.
Hi, I'm new to the boards but came for help. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 6 (half my life). We have a 2 year old and a surprise baby on the way due in october. Husband has been dealing with depression and alcohol abuse for a year and a half. He gets destructive in our home (breaking walls, doors, locks) always wants to fight, blames me for his problems, he got so drunk he was non functional on a vacation last summer, since this may he has been hospitalized 3 times (twice for high levels or alcohol and once for suicide attempts) . We had vacation to Disney world and he stayed in the hotel bed for two days and then got so drunk he had to be hospitalized on the third - never even went to the parks with my daughter and I. He was home from that hospital stay for 2 days before he got drunk, physically abused me, broke glass everywhere and I had to get an emergency protective order against him. I know I need to leave, that my daughter's deserve better, that I deserve better, that living for the once in a while day that he is himself is not an okay way to leave, so why do I feel so guilty leaving? I know I am fearful of admitting and acknowledging that i will be a divorced single mom of two, and that I don't really know what's it's like to be without him after so long, and I fear that if we do get divorced he will be alone with our girls and possibly too drunk or depressed to get out of bed and take care of them or try to kill himself while taking care of them.
I just don't know how to deal with the guilt of leaving and do what is best for me and my girls.... help...
I think the guilt comes in because we think we can "save" them but deep in our hearts we know we cannot so self preservation kicks in and we feel bad about leaving..I got over that real fast when my Ex AH #1 nearly broke my back slamming me against the kitchen sink...half your life is a long time but you and your children deserve a long and SAFE life...
Please post here and try and find an alanon meeting near you..the folks there can guide you as to where you can go if emergency occurs....Please be safe for you and those little girls...You know?? if the kids see enough of that , they will marry it because they won't know any better...I married abusers because that is what I saw with the parents..His bashing her around and her being injured but because she was an alcoholic, half the time she was so loose from being drunk, she didn't ever get seriously hurt...cuts and bruises, but we kids witnessed that...so we girls, both of us married abusers...my brothers...2 are abusive to women...1 is kind, gentle...my buddy who is also an alcoholic...He just gets loud and boisterous but never have seen him abuse a woman...But trust me...growing up in that kind of environment messes up a kid..I know..I am here for life....
Please keep coming back...We are here and we are listening with caring hearts......hugs of support
Thankyou both for your quick replies. In my head I know I need to divorce, it is just easy for me to remember the 12 years alcoholism and depression didn't affect our relationship and fantasize about that and think it will just magically come back. I know my 2 year old has seen more than she should even though H says "she's 2 she doesn't know" every time. He actually was so out of his mind before I got the order of protection he pushed me down by my pregnant belly.... So far he has stayed away but it has only been 5 days of the order (and i found out from police that he is in the hospital again for trying to kill hinself). I just need to hear from others that it is okay to leave I guess.... I am just so fearful of his getting time alone with the girls in a custody agreement.
-- Edited by Rach32986 on Saturday 24th of June 2017 10:21:51 AM
Rachel, I am sorry to hear you are going through this, however, I am glad you are here and hopefully you are "in the rooms" of al-anon meetings. If you are, then, you are in the right place. The answers you seek -- are already inside you and are also inside the rooms of face to face al-anon meetings. Now, someone may not walk up to you and tell you what to do, teach you some secret handshake, or answer some tough question. But you will find the answers. This may seem odd or difficult to understand -- but the insight, perspective, experience, and wisdom of others in the rooms, will help you. The tools, slogans, reading books, the knowledge, the lessons you will learn -- all of that will bring you to a higher level -- of clarity, focus, understanding, and more.
Continuous work -- work on yourself, focusing on you, hearing and learning from others -- will bring you to a place where you will be able to make decisions, quality decisions, from a place of intelligence, being healthy, calm, cool, collective...as opposed to now, making decisions from a place of emotion, fear, confusion, duress, a lack of clarity and focus, desperation, and more.
Now, that said -- I read your posts. While you didn't provide details...there are some very serious ingredients here that cannot be ignored. Physical violence. Upon a pregnant woman. An order of protection (TRO, temporary restraining order). An active drinker, who drinks to an excess, which results with violence and volatility. That is all I need to hear. You are in danger. No excuses! No discussion necessary or even permitted in my mind. You said several times you know you have to leave. You also said "I just need to hear from others that it is okay to leave I guess" and then coupled that with you being so fearful of his getting time alone with your daughters in a custody agreement. Focus on NOW. The next minute. Speak with an attorney. I can't give legal advice however, where I am from, my experience is that at best, at most, he might, might get supervised visitation...and that would only be based upon his medical records, treatment, diagnosis, etc. -- and right now, there's an order of protection!!! So, where I come from -- no visitation. But, don't worry about that now. Cross that bridge later. You and your daughter's will be fine. You know what you need to do.
You are a brave, strong woman. One who will and is looking out for herself and her children. I admire and respect you and what you are doing in just addressing this. Being a divorced, single mother of two is not a social stigma. It is not something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. It is a badge of honor!!! You...are my hero.
I am sorry for the impact the disease has had on your life and your marriage. In Al-Anon, we offer ESH - Experience, Strength & Hope with each other to support everyone's healing/dealing. Abuse is one exception and he advice we give is to seek any/all support in your area as quickly as possible. That may include, but not be limited to lawyer, court services, shelter counseling, etc.
Sometimes when things 'explode' we try to process way more than what we can handle. What is truly most important is your safety right now and then some healing to determine best next steps. Great things about Al-Anon recovery is support that is local and like family. You can share or not and never be judged or advised. We learn to set boundaries and detach. We come to understand that no human power can battle the disease and instead we save ourselves. One thing I had to remind myself often is whatever is happening today (good or bad) will change and what I decide today isn't necessarily a 'forever decision'.
I have the right, as do you, to a peaceful existence and home. We all have the right to be happy, healthy and whole. Seek out any/all resources you can to seek peace for you and your daughters. You deserve it!
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery...
Rach,
You are not alone there are a lot of agencies that can help you, if you do not have the means to be somewhere safe with your children. Alcoholism is a disease and your husband is sick. If he gets violent when he drinks then you cannot help him, you have to do what is best for your children. They need a strong healthy mamma. You can get in trouble if someone found out he was acting like that around your children. Then they will not have you either. There are professionals that can help your husband right now. That is the only answer I could come up with when my ex-bf's drinking got really bad. I am just a person, I was not trained to deal with the disease as it got progressive and he became sicker. Alanon is a great fellowship for support whether you stay with your husband or leave. Everyone in Alanon has a loved one dealing with alcoholism. I hope things get better for you.
-- Edited by shrnp on Saturday 24th of June 2017 10:56:03 PM
((((Rachel)))) that hug is all I can offer for this moment and some of the tools the old-timers in Al-Anon gave me. I have been somewhat where you are at now only I was the violent one which came close to taking my alcoholic/addicts life. My mind was destroyed by the disease and I acted out...Thank God it didn't end fatally. I did a lot of projecting into the future on our/my issues with the disease and what help was the fellowship teaching me to "Stay in the moment", "One day at a time", "Let go and Let God". Because of the insanity I was dealing I was not able to make rational decisions by reacting so the slowing down and patience helped me to respond instead and eventually a divorce did come after 5 years of working the Al-Anon Program first as suggested. It was a divorce that hurt and didn't kill me or her and eventually when we finally parted we did so in love knowing we should have never married while within alcoholism and drug addiction. I learned how to accept her unconditionally which I never experienced when married to her...amazing.
Guilt is normal because I was trying to follow rules I thought were required and unbreakable given to me ages before by others who could not or would not follow them themselves. I didn't break the rules and my alcoholic/addict didn't either we were under the influence of a mind altering, mood altering chemical(s) which ran on other rules of insanity. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know and I had to learn from the fellowship that did...now I know.
Welcome to the board and MIP Family...Keep coming back and stick with us...follow the suggestions you hear...meetings; look in the white pages of your local telephone book for Al-Anon and call as soon as you will to find out the where and when they get together in your area.
(((((hugs)))))
You'll hear in al-anon that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Someone in a meeting very helpfully added "and you can't make it worse." We just are not that powerful, no matter how much others try to make us feel responsible for them and their poor choices.
Having just completed the process of divorce, it was helpful to hear that I didn't have to have it all figured out. I just had to take the first step, then the next and the next. Only when I was ready. Praying for HP's will and the power to carry it out.
I will pray for you and your family. That you are safe and guided to do the next right thing, every step of the way. You're not alone. Hugs and blessings.
Cathy