It feels like freedom from despair and it feels like memories can be faced and felt with a new heart. Thinking about my kids when they were wee, how beautiful they were, their soft skin and the innocent faces, wouldn't it be nice to go back just for a moment and tell them I'm sorry for not being the Mother you deserved, an immature, angry, bitter, resentful Mother full of self pity, eventually. But!!! always wanting the best for you and always trying to be better and meet your needs.
I might get to the stage where I have the desire to go back and say to that young Mother you did really good on many levels, you were suffering from a powerful disease that poisoned your family and you survived that and not only that you used that experience to turn the whole thing around and get yourself back up in a power greater than yourself and you are becoming you, just you again.x
Aline said
Jun 23, 2017
Thanks for your share, el-cee, its beautiful... It made me cry, though I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe because I feel these years of me being sick was such a waste, and I can't get a refund either. These are good tears, though, but I feel really sad... I hope I'll be able to accept my past wholly, let go and let God, and move forward fully. I'm working on it...
el-cee said
Jun 23, 2017
Im sorry for your tears Aline, I think the amazing thing I've found is that I no longer regret these years, I needed them, all the chaos and insanity of the disease was needed for me and has led me to being awake to life and in this amazing spiritual program so this disease and the pain has actually been a blessing. I would never have changed if things had been ticking along and I needed to change.
hotrod said
Jun 23, 2017
Hi LC Love your reflections I too look back and want to recapture the days gone by using my new tools but then i remember I did the best I could with the tools i had and that my "spiritual growth" was a direct result of the confusion and pain from the past. Great post !!!
Iamhere said
Jun 23, 2017
Great share el-cee and I love the ESH above. Aline - you are dealing/healing and I relate to that sadness. The good news is as we say, "this too shall pass." What amazes me about recovery is that it seems as if when I reach a great place of peace, joy and serenity, a part of me has gratitude that is expansive and I honestly feel that life is good and it can not get better than I feel right now.
Guess what? It has gotten even better! Bad things still happen and yet, there is a fundamental change deep within me that now accepts them just as they are - bad events in a lovely life that are part of a bigger plan that is out of my hands. With each day in recovery, it seems as if my journey gets better, my load becomes lighter and my life is calmer. It's a huge miracle.
Both AA & Al-Anon have promises.....they are some of the gifts we get from recovery. I am always pulled towards the ones in the AA Big-Book as they are written just so 'simply' --- from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83 & 84...
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among ussometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
How powerful these words are and even better when we begin to reap them in part/whole!!!
a4l said
Jun 24, 2017
El-cee, I'd give my left proverbial--or right for that matter--for a parent in active recovery, now, as an adult. Keep on keeping on. Freedom from conversations that are fifty plus years old! I'd like to add to the list. Take care. Change is hard for those who don't want it, no matter how much we love them. Xx
2HP said
Jun 24, 2017
"I might get to the stage where I have the desire to go back and say you did (the best you could) "
I loudly heard my sponsors words while reading your post. I used to talk like this, nothing generated more tears or louder sobs than recalling all my kids had to endure because of ME and my reactions to alcoholic insanity. I too had become insane.
I so wished that I had found Al-anon sooner than I did, even though they always said "we will not regret the past..." That did not feel true for me.
So my sponsor asked if I believe God forgives me and I easily replied, "yes of course. God forgives me."
She continued. "well. If God forgives you but YOU refuse to, isnt that like saying YOU know better than God? isn't that YOU putting yourself in the God position by refusing yourself forgiveness?"
gulp
so today, when my mind "re-minds" me.... as it tends to do.... of terrible memories from the past, I pulverize them in my brain like a vitamix deluxe. I've made my verbal amends to my children. and today I'm off to do "God's bidding" to the very best of my ability. Today I'm the best mom and best person I can be by my daily commitment to living every suggestion of the twelve steps, my guidebook for living.
I believe it is God's will that I stop living in the prison of self-loathing and punishment. Through Al-anon, God invites me to heal myself by love. If I didn't forgive myself, I am not sure I could forgive anyone, or know freedom.
LET IT BEGIN WITH ME... the love for myself has a ripple effect on my kids, and today I know they feel REAL love from me. not the old needy, fearful "love" i had for them before.
All is well (((big hugs)))
Jerry F said
Jun 24, 2017
As one of my recovering friends told me one afternoon, "Are these extravagant PROMISES !! WELL HELL YEAH...HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I EVER IMAGINE GETTING PROMISES LIKE THESE?!!" I understood what he was saying and still do because HP sees me worthy in a different way than I do.
It feels like freedom from despair and it feels like memories can be faced and felt with a new heart. Thinking about my kids when they were wee, how beautiful they were, their soft skin and the innocent faces, wouldn't it be nice to go back just for a moment and tell them I'm sorry for not being the Mother you deserved, an immature, angry, bitter, resentful Mother full of self pity, eventually. But!!! always wanting the best for you and always trying to be better and meet your needs.
I might get to the stage where I have the desire to go back and say to that young Mother you did really good on many levels, you were suffering from a powerful disease that poisoned your family and you survived that and not only that you used that experience to turn the whole thing around and get yourself back up in a power greater than yourself and you are becoming you, just you again.x
Hi LC Love your reflections I too look back and want to recapture the days gone by using my new tools but then i remember I did the best I could with the tools i had and that my "spiritual growth" was a direct result of the confusion and pain from the past.
Great post !!!
Guess what? It has gotten even better! Bad things still happen and yet, there is a fundamental change deep within me that now accepts them just as they are - bad events in a lovely life that are part of a bigger plan that is out of my hands. With each day in recovery, it seems as if my journey gets better, my load becomes lighter and my life is calmer. It's a huge miracle.
Both AA & Al-Anon have promises.....they are some of the gifts we get from recovery. I am always pulled towards the ones in the AA Big-Book as they are written just so 'simply' --- from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83 & 84...
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among ussometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
How powerful these words are and even better when we begin to reap them in part/whole!!!
I loudly heard my sponsors words while reading your post. I used to talk like this, nothing generated more tears or louder sobs than recalling all my kids had to endure because of ME and my reactions to alcoholic insanity. I too had become insane.
I so wished that I had found Al-anon sooner than I did, even though they always said "we will not regret the past..." That did not feel true for me.
So my sponsor asked if I believe God forgives me and I easily replied, "yes of course. God forgives me."
She continued. "well. If God forgives you but YOU refuse to, isnt that like saying YOU know better than God? isn't that YOU putting yourself in the God position by refusing yourself forgiveness?"
gulp
so today, when my mind "re-minds" me.... as it tends to do.... of terrible memories from the past, I pulverize them in my brain like a vitamix deluxe. I've made my verbal amends to my children. and today I'm off to do "God's bidding" to the very best of my ability. Today I'm the best mom and best person I can be by my daily commitment to living every suggestion of the twelve steps, my guidebook for living.
I believe it is God's will that I stop living in the prison of self-loathing and punishment. Through Al-anon, God invites me to heal myself by love. If I didn't forgive myself, I am not sure I could forgive anyone, or know freedom.
LET IT BEGIN WITH ME... the love for myself has a ripple effect on my kids, and today I know they feel REAL love from me. not the old needy, fearful "love" i had for them before.
All is well (((big hugs)))
As one of my recovering friends told me one afternoon, "Are these extravagant PROMISES !! WELL HELL YEAH...HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I EVER IMAGINE GETTING PROMISES LIKE THESE?!!" I understood what he was saying and still do because HP sees me worthy in a different way than I do.
Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))