After living with my alcoholic wife for 10 years, I moved out of our shared home (rental) two and a half years ago. I initially bounced between sublets and a friend's house for one year, and then moved into my own one-bedroom apartment in Jan 2016. During that time my wife had 7-8 stays in residential treatment programs. From April through June 2016 she spent a total of 30 days in the hospital over three separate stays for alcohol-related conditions. At the beginning her last stay, she flat-lined in the emergency room and was resuscitated with a defribillator.
Following her June 2016 hospitalization, she immediately entered a 3 month residential treatment program. Upon return, she was reluctant to enter sober living but ultimately took that step on the advice of counselors and others. Two weeks after moving in, she experienced a major psychotic episode and was hospitalized for 3 days in a psychiatric ward. This was the first instance in her life when she experienced hallucinations and dellusions. Initially the doctors thought her symptoms might be explained by Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, but the tests showed otherwise. The doctors did not have a definitive diagnosis. It was a terrifying and disheartening time for both of us-- she had finally addressed her alcoholism, but by some cruel twist fate, she was now confronted with a serious mental illness. At this time (October 2016), I allowed her to move into my apartment. She had two other major psychotic episodes during the following month, but fortunately, none since. No psychiatrist has been able offer a satisfying explanation.
One month following her return to my apartment, she relapsed while I was out of town. She returned to residential treatment for 5 days, and upon my insistence, moved back into a sober living house. I'm amazed with her progress over the past year. In June/July 2016, it's clear that she made the decision that she wants to live. She has a very strong program and has developed a support network.
We decided that we want to resume living together and have been working with a couples counselor (who also specializes in addiction) around navigating this transition. My primary fear is that she will relapse, refuse to return to treatment, and I will once again be left without the security of having a home. Our counselor suggested that my wife write a document detailing what she would like to happen in the event of a relapse. The idea is that if she refuses follow this plan, I will have some recourse to remove her from our apartment. (In the past she has been stubbornly and angrily opposed to leaving our home, even temporarily. Which is why I ultimately had to move out) From what I've read online and speaking to a legal services office, any such agreement is unlikely to be legally enforceable. She's doing really well, and I see this as a low probability, high consequence scenario.
One of my other concerns is that she will gradually withdraw from her program-- AA meetings, therapy, and service work-- once it is no longer mandated. Does anyone have experience reuniting with a spouse after living apart for years? What was helpful in dealing with your anxieties and practical insecurities (such as where you might live if your spouse resume drinking/using)?
Iamhere said
Jun 22, 2017
thos17 - I have no experience with your scenario (living apart and reuniting). What I can share is the disease is powerful and progressive. While she's working on her recovery one day at a time, my hope is you are also attending Al-Anon meetings for you. We (those who live with or love) often do not realize that we too are affected....and to what lengths.
The best thing I ever did for me with regards to living with the disease of Alcoholism is embrace Al-Anon and work on me. It gave me my joy and sanity back and I know now that no matter what they are/are not doing, I will be OK.
Perhaps others will come along with similar experiences. Keep coming back!
el-cee said
Jun 23, 2017
Maybe looking at it from another angle, let her get her own place and live between the two? I left my ex ah, just up and left moved into a rented flat with my sons and out clothes. For 2 years I didnt own a fork and knife, it was completely liberating and a bit scary as well. He is sober 4 yrs in AA now and we have not reunited. I wont, Im in recovery myself and I own things now, not too much but they dont matter much to me anymore. I still have a niggling fear of being homeless but I know my higher power has got me and if homelessness has to be part of my journey then the lessons will be valuable. There is no need to feel pressure to reunite quickly. Getting to know who you are is important and difficult from within a relationship. This is your life and your main responsibility is to you and your life and happiness and hers is to her own life. Your not responsible for another adult human being, never were and never will be.
Mattie said
Jun 23, 2017
I don't have experience with this because my A never stayed on the wagon, but of course I have some experience with a spouse falling off the wagon, which is the situation you're trying to plan for (while of course hoping it never occurs). My observation is that the provisions have to be ones that you can make happen if only you agree to them. Because the only person we can control is ourselves. And because if an A starts drinking again, all bets are off as to agreements. They can be the most reasonable person in the world while sober, but when the drinking takes over, that flies out the window.
I don't know what the best solution is for your situation, of course. If I were in a similar situation, planning to live together with my A-in-recovery, I would have as my fallback disaster plan that I would be the one to move out. That way I would be the decision-maker as to when it got too bad for me to live with. Because the drinking A never thinks it's too bad. That would probably take the form of having the A be in the one on the lease, and I'd contribute half the rent to the A. Then if the worst happened, I'd find another place and just move out without any legal or financial entanglements.
Of course we always hope these precautions will never be needed. But if they are, I think it's good to set up a situation where we stay because we actively decide to, not because we're stuck against our will.
Those are my thoughts - take what fits and leave the rest.
After living with my alcoholic wife for 10 years, I moved out of our shared home (rental) two and a half years ago. I initially bounced between sublets and a friend's house for one year, and then moved into my own one-bedroom apartment in Jan 2016. During that time my wife had 7-8 stays in residential treatment programs. From April through June 2016 she spent a total of 30 days in the hospital over three separate stays for alcohol-related conditions. At the beginning her last stay, she flat-lined in the emergency room and was resuscitated with a defribillator.
Following her June 2016 hospitalization, she immediately entered a 3 month residential treatment program. Upon return, she was reluctant to enter sober living but ultimately took that step on the advice of counselors and others. Two weeks after moving in, she experienced a major psychotic episode and was hospitalized for 3 days in a psychiatric ward. This was the first instance in her life when she experienced hallucinations and dellusions. Initially the doctors thought her symptoms might be explained by Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, but the tests showed otherwise. The doctors did not have a definitive diagnosis. It was a terrifying and disheartening time for both of us-- she had finally addressed her alcoholism, but by some cruel twist fate, she was now confronted with a serious mental illness. At this time (October 2016), I allowed her to move into my apartment. She had two other major psychotic episodes during the following month, but fortunately, none since. No psychiatrist has been able offer a satisfying explanation.
One month following her return to my apartment, she relapsed while I was out of town. She returned to residential treatment for 5 days, and upon my insistence, moved back into a sober living house. I'm amazed with her progress over the past year. In June/July 2016, it's clear that she made the decision that she wants to live. She has a very strong program and has developed a support network.
We decided that we want to resume living together and have been working with a couples counselor (who also specializes in addiction) around navigating this transition. My primary fear is that she will relapse, refuse to return to treatment, and I will once again be left without the security of having a home. Our counselor suggested that my wife write a document detailing what she would like to happen in the event of a relapse. The idea is that if she refuses follow this plan, I will have some recourse to remove her from our apartment. (In the past she has been stubbornly and angrily opposed to leaving our home, even temporarily. Which is why I ultimately had to move out) From what I've read online and speaking to a legal services office, any such agreement is unlikely to be legally enforceable. She's doing really well, and I see this as a low probability, high consequence scenario.
One of my other concerns is that she will gradually withdraw from her program-- AA meetings, therapy, and service work-- once it is no longer mandated. Does anyone have experience reuniting with a spouse after living apart for years? What was helpful in dealing with your anxieties and practical insecurities (such as where you might live if your spouse resume drinking/using)?
The best thing I ever did for me with regards to living with the disease of Alcoholism is embrace Al-Anon and work on me. It gave me my joy and sanity back and I know now that no matter what they are/are not doing, I will be OK.
Perhaps others will come along with similar experiences. Keep coming back!
I don't have experience with this because my A never stayed on the wagon, but of course I have some experience with a spouse falling off the wagon, which is the situation you're trying to plan for (while of course hoping it never occurs). My observation is that the provisions have to be ones that you can make happen if only you agree to them. Because the only person we can control is ourselves. And because if an A starts drinking again, all bets are off as to agreements. They can be the most reasonable person in the world while sober, but when the drinking takes over, that flies out the window.
I don't know what the best solution is for your situation, of course. If I were in a similar situation, planning to live together with my A-in-recovery, I would have as my fallback disaster plan that I would be the one to move out. That way I would be the decision-maker as to when it got too bad for me to live with. Because the drinking A never thinks it's too bad. That would probably take the form of having the A be in the one on the lease, and I'd contribute half the rent to the A. Then if the worst happened, I'd find another place and just move out without any legal or financial entanglements.
Of course we always hope these precautions will never be needed. But if they are, I think it's good to set up a situation where we stay because we actively decide to, not because we're stuck against our will.
Those are my thoughts - take what fits and leave the rest.