At my wits end with my 15yr old. Between her funky mood swings and all that goes with having a teen girl and the isims of the family disease I am truly at a lost for what is real and what is just teen BS. Twice today she did what I felt was blaming me for the decisions she makes..." I only did it because you did that"... uggghh! She seriously needs alanon but up to this point cant get her to go. Im contenplating pulling the " I know whats best for you" card to get this kid some help before its really beyond my control but there's no alateen in my area. I just started going back to f2f mtgs last month but I figure with me going to meetings to keep my head on straight maybe some of it will rub off on her before she goes to college in 2 yrs....sadly my tools (HALT) went right out the window this evening on that second round of the 'blame game'' and I lost it....smh... I admit, having that conversation with her and trying to get a late dinner on after a long day at work...that was disaster waiting to happen! Really dont want to see her start her young adult life off on a bad note because as of recent behaviors she's got me worried that she may be at a breaking point. Breaking rules at home and not caring about the consequences etc.
She's got a lot of anger at me for various reasons (you name it!) as well as our qualifier (my AH/her dad). As of a yr ago we're no longer in the house with him but we're still married and lets face it, he's their dad so he's still very much a part of our lives.
Thanks for letting me vent....would love to know how those with teens are handling this. I'm still a baby in the program so I've got a long way to go. I have a sponsor...(80yrs old bless her heart) but at 41yrs old dont really feel the connection (situation-wise) other than she has the ability to talk me down off the ledge when I need it but nothing more than that.
MissM said
Jun 19, 2017
I'm living the "single-parent with a teen" dream right along with you. It isn't easy. Mine is 14 and the mood swings and the nastiness she spews at me when she is in a bad mood is quite something to behold. It's got to be the single most confronting thing I have ever dealt with to be honest; to love someone so much and at the same time feel like I cannot stand another second of her and her freaking insane drama!!
But then I have to remember I was all over the place as a teenager too and all I can really do is model the healthiest practices I can and make sure she knows she has my support. She wont go to al-ateen, and refuses to talk in counselling so I can either drive myself insane worrying about what 'might be" or just do the best i can and trust that she is on her own journey and as her mother I actually don't have that much control over what she thinks or what she wants. She'll learn her lessons and I hope make better choices than I have but if there's one thing I remember from being a teenager myself it's that if someone tried to force me to do something, you could guarantee I would do the opposite. (Actually, I'm still like that lol).
Detaching with a teenager is a lot harder than with another adult but it still applies and helps; if I'm able to step away from her drama and not react she will ususally come to me a few days later to talk about it properly and that's a lot more productive than if I react to the initial attack and nothing is discussed other than punishments and disappointments.
Hang in there You're a year ahead of me so you can let me know if and when it gets better lol
Skorpi said
Jun 20, 2017
It sounds like you are dealing with some tough years!
My face-2-face group is a family group (no Alateen in the city) and teens and pre-teens do come with their parent(s) with some regularity. It does change the feel of the meeting a little, but each meeting is different depending on who is and is not at the table, anyway. I wonder if it might be possible for you to find a family group meeting in addition to your meetings, and invite her to join you once a week. After the meeting, you could do something she likes together (ice cream, movie, etc.) but only if she goes to the meeting with you. You would go whether or not she does. Anyway, that is what some parents in my face-2-face group do.
When I was dealing with an actively drinking wife, I had to set boundaries and say things that felt parental to me. I practiced saying them in the mirror, so I knew what I would say when... I wonder if practicing a few responses would be helpful, so you know what you are going to say, and she doesn't get your goat. Maybe something like: "Yelling at me / calling me names is not ok. Go to your room to cool off, and let's try this conversation again in a half hour." Or "We are not going to discuss this in the car. I need to focus on driving. We can talk about this when we get home." Or "It sounds like you are upset. Go journal about this and we can talk in an hour."
Not that I am an expert I work with teens often, but none of them are living with me. That is a whole different kind of challenge. And, I think you are doing great.
SerenityRUS said
Jun 20, 2017
Hugs,
I'm also a single mom of 2 and I seriously believe that as a teen they all have brain damage .. I say that tongue and cheek because they are at that age I swear it's like dealing with an addict .. they aren't horribly people .. they have no impulse control and learning to make any adult decision is not easy I'm speaking at my age still learning to do these things.
What has helped me a great deal through my Alanon work is just loving my kids where they are at .. letting them know my limits in terms of boundaries and allowing them to figure some things out although I give guidance and they pretty much know they can tell me anything .. even when my eyeballs are rolling in my head.
I do have house rules and there are consequences for breaking them .. I haven't really had to do any until my daughter turned 18 ironically and is headed off to college .. it's a little backwards however she needed these things to feel safe come to find out.
With my kids I have discovered they need to be loved more even when they are not very loveable which I think is a true statement for all people .. it's easier with some than others.
Working on myself has taught me where to let go and where to step in .. I think my daughter considers me her friend however mom first kind of thing .. she doesn't need me to tell her what to do .. she needs to know where I stand on things .. even when she makes a choice I wish she didn't that I love her in spite of her not doing it my way. Some days are easier than others .. I pray her brother doesn't put me through the mill.
I am learning to trust her process and that she makes good choices in spite of them not being what I think she should do. She is in counseling and don't know where you are however .. a good trusted counselor is the way to go.
Hugs S :)
Jerry F said
Jun 20, 2017
Compassion ladies...put yourselves in their shoes and see how it feels and looks like. I am a former Alateen meeting sponsor and the simple guideline to the parents (AA and/or Al-Anon) was bring them to the meeting and shove them thru the door....the teens will take care of the teen. As realistic is the fact that Alateen is part of the Al-Anon Family Groups and they are entitled to a chair in the room a chair and a share.
One of my Al-Anon sponsees came over last evening and we sat outside in the tropical sunset talking story part of which was how his son and daughter are doing in their lives. Both are former members of the Wednesday Night Turning Point AFG and for however much the meetings helped them they are both doing awesomely. I meet with and get to talk with the son when we are out walking our dogs and the daughter as we cross paths. You can tell the touch of our program on their lives and to hear the stories of their relationship with their alcoholic/addict/criminal mother who is on strict probation is fearsome.
Get the kids to the door of a meeting and push them in. They don't come home till the meeting is pau, done, over, finished etc.
I am also a former BHT who use to work families and adults and children...they are all valuable. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Jun 20, 2017
Teen years are hard - very hard.....however if we as adults are struggling with the various situations, can you imagine what's going on with them? You have partially developed brains, hormones and peer pressure (for all teens) and then for our special situations, they have exposure to the insanity from this disease.
I wish I had found Al-Anon sooner and practiced the program with them - especially the reacting vs. responding. Tons of other tools as well - the boundaries, detaching, not taking it personally, etc. I did not and my contribution to their growing years was added emotional fuel to their already burning fire.
We did see many different counselors over the years - individual, family, etc. and the one common suggestion I heard is to be a parent and not a friend. They have tons of friends, they need a parent. They need boundaries, structure, etc. as left to their own devices with their state of being, the risk for risky behavior is far greater than a mature brain. This made sense to me.
I do recall saying many times that you do not have to like me, but you do need to respect me as best you can. I told them that walking away from a confrontation was far better than spewing words, insults, etc. that would just add more chaos to an already chaotic home/family. It's a difficult time for the whole family - one day at a time. It does pass - like all other things.
Hopefull15 said
Jun 20, 2017
I really appreciate all of your responses. Makes me feel a little better. I love my daughter immensly which is why I sometimes feel so guilty when she's like that, because I simply cannot stand her during those times. Between her drama and my AH's issues....wishing I had Wonder Womans bracelets of submission!(sorry couldnt help it..I'm a fan! Lol)
Jerry F said
Jun 20, 2017
Oh why not. Can you get the bracelets at Costco? I'd ask....lol (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Jun 21, 2017
Ha.ha.ha.ha.....good one and so relate! I ended up being able to provide some coverage for daycare gaps this week, and my son's baby momma texted me saying, "You have been a life saver this week - thank you." I responded back, "You can just start calling me Wonder Woman!"
Sane minds think alike!! (((Hugs)))
Hopefull15 said
Jun 21, 2017
Love it!!! Lol ...now if I could find me a lasso of truth to stash in my pocket I'll be set!...or maybe thats the 4th step!?!? Lol
But then I have to remember I was all over the place as a teenager too and all I can really do is model the healthiest practices I can and make sure she knows she has my support. She wont go to al-ateen, and refuses to talk in counselling so I can either drive myself insane worrying about what 'might be" or just do the best i can and trust that she is on her own journey and as her mother I actually don't have that much control over what she thinks or what she wants. She'll learn her lessons and I hope make better choices than I have but if there's one thing I remember from being a teenager myself it's that if someone tried to force me to do something, you could guarantee I would do the opposite. (Actually, I'm still like that lol).
Detaching with a teenager is a lot harder than with another adult but it still applies and helps; if I'm able to step away from her drama and not react she will ususally come to me a few days later to talk about it properly and that's a lot more productive than if I react to the initial attack and nothing is discussed other than punishments and disappointments.
Hang in there
My face-2-face group is a family group (no Alateen in the city) and teens and pre-teens do come with their parent(s) with some regularity. It does change the feel of the meeting a little, but each meeting is different depending on who is and is not at the table, anyway. I wonder if it might be possible for you to find a family group meeting in addition to your meetings, and invite her to join you once a week. After the meeting, you could do something she likes together (ice cream, movie, etc.) but only if she goes to the meeting with you. You would go whether or not she does. Anyway, that is what some parents in my face-2-face group do.
When I was dealing with an actively drinking wife, I had to set boundaries and say things that felt parental to me. I practiced saying them in the mirror, so I knew what I would say when... I wonder if practicing a few responses would be helpful, so you know what you are going to say, and she doesn't get your goat. Maybe something like: "Yelling at me / calling me names is not ok. Go to your room to cool off, and let's try this conversation again in a half hour." Or "We are not going to discuss this in the car. I need to focus on driving. We can talk about this when we get home." Or "It sounds like you are upset. Go journal about this and we can talk in an hour."
Not that I am an expert
I'm also a single mom of 2 and I seriously believe that as a teen they all have brain damage .. I say that tongue and cheek because they are at that age I swear it's like dealing with an addict .. they aren't horribly people .. they have no impulse control and learning to make any adult decision is not easy I'm speaking at my age still learning to do these things.
What has helped me a great deal through my Alanon work is just loving my kids where they are at .. letting them know my limits in terms of boundaries and allowing them to figure some things out although I give guidance and they pretty much know they can tell me anything .. even when my eyeballs are rolling in my head.
I do have house rules and there are consequences for breaking them .. I haven't really had to do any until my daughter turned 18 ironically and is headed off to college .. it's a little backwards however she needed these things to feel safe come to find out.
With my kids I have discovered they need to be loved more even when they are not very loveable which I think is a true statement for all people .. it's easier with some than others.
Working on myself has taught me where to let go and where to step in .. I think my daughter considers me her friend however mom first kind of thing .. she doesn't need me to tell her what to do .. she needs to know where I stand on things .. even when she makes a choice I wish she didn't that I love her in spite of her not doing it my way. Some days are easier than others .. I pray her brother doesn't put me through the mill.
I am learning to trust her process and that she makes good choices in spite of them not being what I think she should do. She is in counseling and don't know where you are however .. a good trusted counselor is the way to go.
Hugs S :)
Compassion ladies...put yourselves in their shoes and see how it feels and looks like. I am a former Alateen meeting sponsor and the simple guideline to the parents (AA and/or Al-Anon) was bring them to the meeting and shove them thru the door....the teens will take care of the teen. As realistic is the fact that Alateen is part of the Al-Anon Family Groups and they are entitled to a chair in the room a chair and a share.
One of my Al-Anon sponsees came over last evening and we sat outside in the tropical sunset talking story part of which was how his son and daughter are doing in their lives. Both are former members of the Wednesday Night Turning Point AFG and for however much the meetings helped them they are both doing awesomely. I meet with and get to talk with the son when we are out walking our dogs and the daughter as we cross paths. You can tell the touch of our program on their lives and to hear the stories of their relationship with their alcoholic/addict/criminal mother who is on strict probation is fearsome.
Get the kids to the door of a meeting and push them in. They don't come home till the meeting is pau, done, over, finished etc.
I am also a former BHT who use to work families and adults and children...they are all valuable. ((((hugs))))
I wish I had found Al-Anon sooner and practiced the program with them - especially the reacting vs. responding. Tons of other tools as well - the boundaries, detaching, not taking it personally, etc. I did not and my contribution to their growing years was added emotional fuel to their already burning fire.
We did see many different counselors over the years - individual, family, etc. and the one common suggestion I heard is to be a parent and not a friend. They have tons of friends, they need a parent. They need boundaries, structure, etc. as left to their own devices with their state of being, the risk for risky behavior is far greater than a mature brain. This made sense to me.
I do recall saying many times that you do not have to like me, but you do need to respect me as best you can. I told them that walking away from a confrontation was far better than spewing words, insults, etc. that would just add more chaos to an already chaotic home/family. It's a difficult time for the whole family - one day at a time. It does pass - like all other things.
Oh why not. Can you get the bracelets at Costco? I'd ask....lol (((hugs)))
Sane minds think alike!! (((Hugs)))