I started this morning bright and early - went to watch the two grand-babies for a while. Both parents started new jobs a couple weeks ago, and they just can't grasp the whole schedules, day-care, etc. so - I was asked and able to be of service. I went to their home as mine is clean for overnight company this week and that means all the baby/toddler/fun toys have been retired to a closet until company departs.
I went tired as I had to get up early (key word there = tired....from H.A.L.T) - much earlier than usual after a weekend of ball. I'm also still nursing a leg injury and I am not a 'take it easy and heal' kind of gal so there's that too. Anyway, all was well and we were having fun and out of the blue, I got sad.
They have a lovely house, 3 BR - great starter house that they purchased together. They split right before/around Christmas, and my son just 'walked away' from the home. He's doing better than I expected - gets the babies for 3 nights a week and spends time with them but I just got sad. The oldest who is only 3.5 seems sad, and it makes me sad. I am certain he doesn't fully understand but things have certainly changed for him/them.
It was a mutual split - however in contra-ways, they were good for each other. Kind of like opposites attract. So - in the way I can do, I got sad for what was, what I had hoped would be and then fear for my son returned. He has stepped away from recovery, and while I know he's drinking, I also know he knows where to go should he need help or decide to return to recovery.
He got sober at 18 and stayed sober for 5 years....He's 25 now and I can understand - if someone told me at 18 I had this disease I would have told them where to go. Anyways, I came home, took a nap, got some energy and started to clean out some built in cabinets in my office. Needless to say, I'd not been in there for a long while and found cub scout books, boy scout books, elementary yearbooks, grade cards and 10 photo albums.
I was a huge photo person. I was the woman who always had the camera. I also was the fourth child so my photos from my parents only fill a half of a photo album. With each child, they had less time to snap photos and I get that. So - wanting to be 'better' I took thousands of photos of my boys for a long time!
I have to admit I hesitated as photos have been one thing that can trigger me. After having sadness this morning, I wasn't sure I should even open one. I paused, prayed and went for it. It was actually the first time in 10 years I could go through photos and not cry or wonder what happened to 'cause all this.'
There were photos I had completely forgotten, photos of my boys with family that has left this life and gone to the next, photos of me on vacation (with people I don't know and/or can't remember), there were concert tickets from the 70s, 80s, etc. It was quite the trip down memory lane!
I share as for me, this is the gift of recovery. I was able to be sad, realize it was OK, process that as best I could, let it Go, let God - take a nap and start my day over....all in less than 12 hours! My style before recovery was rigid and I struggled to let things go and just 'be'. I am at peace in spite of having a low point to my day as well as many laughs and memories with the photos. Life is good when we just roll with it - it's when I try to control or swim upstream that I get 'sideways' with myself.
(((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Jun 19, 2017
((IAH)) Glad that you were able to look at the old photos and walk down" memory lane". I am so pleased that i can now look at my photos from days gone by and feel the joy, sadness and love ever available in the memories. Thanks to alanon i am able to feel my feelings, process them and move forward. Glad you can do the same Take care of yourself my dear/
Jerry F said
Jun 19, 2017
Perfect Sis...familiar to a large degree and enlightening to another. Our steps and slogans and literature and meetings keep me grounded and quiet so often when that is what I need to do and be. I was just sitting outside with Sadie (our dog) for company going over "what it is like now" and relaxed with gratitude. Nothing has the power to upset my peace of mind and serenity that I will not allow. Thanks for your ESH. ((((HUGS))))
shrnp said
Jun 19, 2017
Thanks for your share. I am a lot different now than I was years ago. There really is not enough time to let things bother me like they use to. I have felt the sadness over my grandson and his parents being apart. He will grow up without knowing what it is like to have his parents at home together. He stays at my house with my son every weekend and he has been here so far for his summer vacation. My grandson is a happy boy, and he is loved in both places he lives. I think that is what is important now a days with so many single parents.
Iamhere said
Jun 20, 2017
Thanks all for your shares! I went back over today to sit with the boys while the babysitter went to a Doctor appointment and I was not sad! I do believe it really helps me/my program to 'share' or 'write about things' that place me left of center....
I enjoyed my time with them and today has been a good day! I've got overnight company coming tomorrow so have been cleaning up and getting ready!
(((Hugs)))
mamalioness said
Jun 21, 2017
Iamhere, that was a lovely share!!!! yea, looking at old videos and photos and telling myself that being married to 2 alcoholics (one was my best buddy) and my best buddy/brother, looking at pics of days waaay past when he was more in control, let me say, probably was an alcoholic back when we were kids..I just didn't want to see it, but I guess what I am saying is that not ALL the memories of my A's both living and gone are bad...There were some good times..laughter...fun...those are the things I want to remember.....and i can soo relate to your "I do believe it really helps me/my program to 'share' or 'write about things' that place me left of center...Amen, my fellow travelor.....
IN SUPPORT
el-cee said
Jun 22, 2017
I can so relate to all you share here. The photos and how they trigger me too and the sadness that creeps in followed by the fear and then I thank God for this program that lets me think of things like HALT and how I cna pick up a reading and write it out and give it to God praying for courage to see its all exactly perfectly as it should be including the journey our children are on. Wow, how lucky are we Mothers of these children? So very thankful and my thoughts are for the Mothers with no recovery suffering alone and forever for some people. so sad. Thanks for sharing and you are not alone and I feel it in my heart for you, Mother to Mother.x
Iamhere said
Jun 22, 2017
Hey Rose - welcome (or welcome back) to MIP! Great share and so nice to know I'm not alone...
El-Cee - I process very much as you do - start in one place, then work the program to arrive at another. As part of my morning prayers, I pray for all in recovery and all who are not but need to be in recovery. I also find huge gratitude that I've got a program and feel total compassion for those parents who do not. I would not be 'here' without it!
I started this morning bright and early - went to watch the two grand-babies for a while. Both parents started new jobs a couple weeks ago, and they just can't grasp the whole schedules, day-care, etc. so - I was asked and able to be of service. I went to their home as mine is clean for overnight company this week and that means all the baby/toddler/fun toys have been retired to a closet until company departs.
I went tired as I had to get up early (key word there = tired....from H.A.L.T) - much earlier than usual after a weekend of ball. I'm also still nursing a leg injury and I am not a 'take it easy and heal' kind of gal so there's that too. Anyway, all was well and we were having fun and out of the blue, I got sad.
They have a lovely house, 3 BR - great starter house that they purchased together. They split right before/around Christmas, and my son just 'walked away' from the home. He's doing better than I expected - gets the babies for 3 nights a week and spends time with them but I just got sad. The oldest who is only 3.5 seems sad, and it makes me sad. I am certain he doesn't fully understand but things have certainly changed for him/them.
It was a mutual split - however in contra-ways, they were good for each other. Kind of like opposites attract. So - in the way I can do, I got sad for what was, what I had hoped would be and then fear for my son returned. He has stepped away from recovery, and while I know he's drinking, I also know he knows where to go should he need help or decide to return to recovery.
He got sober at 18 and stayed sober for 5 years....He's 25 now and I can understand - if someone told me at 18 I had this disease I would have told them where to go. Anyways, I came home, took a nap, got some energy and started to clean out some built in cabinets in my office. Needless to say, I'd not been in there for a long while and found cub scout books, boy scout books, elementary yearbooks, grade cards and 10 photo albums.
I was a huge photo person. I was the woman who always had the camera. I also was the fourth child so my photos from my parents only fill a half of a photo album. With each child, they had less time to snap photos and I get that. So - wanting to be 'better' I took thousands of photos of my boys for a long time!
I have to admit I hesitated as photos have been one thing that can trigger me. After having sadness this morning, I wasn't sure I should even open one. I paused, prayed and went for it. It was actually the first time in 10 years I could go through photos and not cry or wonder what happened to 'cause all this.'
There were photos I had completely forgotten, photos of my boys with family that has left this life and gone to the next, photos of me on vacation (with people I don't know and/or can't remember), there were concert tickets from the 70s, 80s, etc. It was quite the trip down memory lane!
I share as for me, this is the gift of recovery. I was able to be sad, realize it was OK, process that as best I could, let it Go, let God - take a nap and start my day over....all in less than 12 hours! My style before recovery was rigid and I struggled to let things go and just 'be'. I am at peace in spite of having a low point to my day as well as many laughs and memories with the photos. Life is good when we just roll with it - it's when I try to control or swim upstream that I get 'sideways' with myself.
(((Hugs)))
Perfect Sis...familiar to a large degree and enlightening to another. Our steps and slogans and literature and meetings keep me grounded and quiet so often when that is what I need to do and be. I was just sitting outside with Sadie (our dog) for company going over "what it is like now" and relaxed with gratitude. Nothing has the power to upset my peace of mind and serenity that I will not allow. Thanks for your ESH. ((((HUGS))))
I enjoyed my time with them and today has been a good day! I've got overnight company coming tomorrow so have been cleaning up and getting ready!
(((Hugs)))
IN SUPPORT
I can so relate to all you share here. The photos and how they trigger me too and the sadness that creeps in followed by the fear and then I thank God for this program that lets me think of things like HALT and how I cna pick up a reading and write it out and give it to God praying for courage to see its all exactly perfectly as it should be including the journey our children are on. Wow, how lucky are we Mothers of these children? So very thankful and my thoughts are for the Mothers with no recovery suffering alone and forever for some people. so sad. Thanks for sharing and you are not alone and I feel it in my heart for you, Mother to Mother.x
El-Cee - I process very much as you do - start in one place, then work the program to arrive at another. As part of my morning prayers, I pray for all in recovery and all who are not but need to be in recovery. I also find huge gratitude that I've got a program and feel total compassion for those parents who do not. I would not be 'here' without it!
(((Hugs))) to all - make it a great day!