Well since I found out the info revealed by HP after I asked him, I have kicked my AH out of our home. I could stay with someone who is sick but not someone who is betraying me. That's a hard boundary for me. What really stinks though is that of course he doesn't seem to care about any of this, and I feel like I'm the only one suffering, along with our kids. So all the people who didn't actually do anything wrong in other words. I'm still having a lot of anger and resentment and sadness and anxiety about the future. Feeling my feelings sucks right now. I'm trying to do things to take care of myself like spending time with supportive friends, going out AND I found F2F Al Anon meetings. It helps to do those things but when I'm just trying to live my daily life it feels like there's this big aching void inside me that's crying out all the time. How long until this feeling sh***y passes and I can start to feel free and relieved that his messes aren't my problem anymore? ESH and just plain sympathy appreciated.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 17, 2017
(((Jayla))))
All my prayers are for your peace & tranquility today. You had the courage to do what I cannot. Previously, my AH was a meth user and I did kick him out. His family got him into rehab for 90 days. Even through all the nightmares of suddenly being single without an income (I was a SAHM), and the heartache of losing my marriage of 20 years, there were moments where I was thankful he was out of my life. As the days passed, those moments became more frequent. As I leaned into the program, I became stronger... I really was a new person.
After 90 days of rehab and 60 days of showing me he was a person really working his program, I allowed my husband back into my life and the home - for the good of my son, not for me. But I got sucked back in... at first it was because he actually was the person I married while working his program! But that eventually faded away... "I don't need that anymore," or "Meetings make me feel like a failure," blah, blah, blah. Before I knew it, I was living with an full-out alcoholic and I had found I had gone back to my sick ways of behaving as well - as a co-dependent.
Stay strong Jayla. PM me if you ever need to vent but feel like it's too much to post here. If I could, I would hug you!
Namaste
Aline said
Jun 17, 2017
Hugs, ((((Jayla)))). When I moved out of my abf's apartment, I had my own dark hole inside me, also a lot of confusion, sometimes I felt sick and didn't have appetite, sometimes I was restless with anxiety and couldn't concentrate on anything. These feelings came and went, and while I knew I made the right decision by moving out and on the whole felt better, healthier, the dark place I went to when I begun to think about US was there, waiting for me. Alanon pulled me through this, and the hole sort of got smaller. After almost a month its still there, but it rarely bothers me anymore, and I'm not as afraid of it as I was before. Lean into the program and all the tools it can offer, and keep coming back. This too shall pass.
Iamhere said
Jun 17, 2017
(((Jayla))) - so very sorry for the void you feel - I can relate....My hope is you can lean heavily into your Al-Anon program and find some peace soon. I know when I felt like a huge part of my was missing, others suggested being gentle with me and doing things that brought me joy. I started taking long walks and talking to God, looked at nature more, got involved with softball and golf and other things that were just for me. I worked hard on keeping my mind focused on the here and now - not this evening and certainly not tomorrow or next week or .......
Having program people to talk to really, really helped me. Allowing myself to cry helped too. Knowing it will pass seemed far-reaching but it's true. We truly do not know what is coming next so focusing on what is good helped me realize my future might be way better than even I could project.
Keep coming back and keep things as simple as you can!! (((Hugs)))
Bo said
Jun 17, 2017
Jayla wrote:
Well since I found out the info revealed by HP after I asked him, I have kicked my AH out of our home. I could stay with someone who is sick but not someone who is betraying me. That's a hard boundary for me. What really stinks though is that of course he doesn't seem to care about any of this, and I feel like I'm the only one suffering, along with our kids. So all the people who didn't actually do anything wrong in other words. I'm still having a lot of anger and resentment and sadness and anxiety about the future. Feeling my feelings sucks right now. I'm trying to do things to take care of myself like spending time with supportive friends, going out AND I found F2F Al Anon meetings. It helps to do those things but when I'm just trying to live my daily life it feels like there's this big aching void inside me that's crying out all the time. How long until this feeling sh***y passes and I can start to feel free and relieved that his messes aren't my problem anymore? ESH and just plain sympathy appreciated.
What is the big, aching void? What is the crying out? Look and feel those things, get some clarity and focus about them. Have intense and crystal clear awareness around them...and then apply step one. Admit you are powerless over them. Look at them. Feel them. Don't fight them. Look at them like quicksand -- the more you fight, the faster you will sink. However, if you are "still" you can and stop fighting it, you won't sink. So feel them. Embrace them. Then, don't let them consume you. Just feel them and know you are powerless over feeling them -- but don't let them consume you. You see, you can't go around these feelings. You can't go under them or over them...you have to go through them.
Then step two -- something outside of you can help you get through them, and not have them consume you. Do the readings related to those feelings. Share about them at face to face meetings. But, when you do so, keep the focus on you. Focus on you. And then, let it go. Focus on yourself. Focus on the very next thing in front of you -- with a laser-precision focus -- and that will be your complete focus. Do this. Commit to this. Watch what happens.
hotrod said
Jun 17, 2017
Jayla attending meetings and working the Steps helped me to deal with the "Void" as well as the anger, resentment and fear.
You are not alone
shrnp said
Jun 17, 2017
Jayla,
It is hard when you first make a choice to break up with your A. It is hard to break up with anyone, never mind someone you have been married to and have children with. It is worth it though if you have been constantly living the live of a partner to an alcoholic. I was with my ex-A on and off for 13 years and the ups and downs were terrible. I have never felt so unloved in my life as I did with my ex-bf. Feeling that way drove me to change my life. It happens a little at time. I was not in Alanon then but I wish I was. Try to stay busy and focus on one day or one hour at a time. Read literature and listen to pod cast if you cannot talk to someone face to face. I was always writing list of my good qualities similar to the gratitude list. I read books, played video games, watched TV anything to keep my mind busy. Things will get better.
Jerry F said
Jun 18, 2017
Aloha ((((Jayla)))) I also remember going thru what you are going thru which came in insane parts to crazy to want to remember or speak about and then there were also powerfully lucid sections which were called grace and growth I learned from the old timers who allowed me to linger and listen to them tell their journeys and then to ask "what'd you do and how'd you do it" questions of them. I recorded their responses with the Al-Anon caveat "Take what you like and leave the rest" to help me build a tool box which I could use or not use as time in program continued on. My exit was clean as often it isn't with us I didn't know how to live with or without my alcoholic/addict wife and everything we built with insanity. "WE" were the problem and I had to stop my part in it as the program and sponsorship was suggesting I do. God those were insane parts of my life whether she was there or not. I owned up to being a "nut case" as my inventories reflected back on me and I continued taking what I liked and leaving others for maybe later. Finally it ended for a time in divorce and I directed my efforts into my recovery which left a trail of messes because of course I was trying to nurture 5 years of Al-Anon against 37 years of insanity...my expectations didn't create many good miracles. But I took my hands off of her life and stopped directing and controlling even though I had opportunities which came from many areas and still the practice, practice, practice started to take over my recovery. My sponsors were God directed people and I needed that and some of the miracles were spectacular and almost unbelievable and miracles are like that opposed to how my life use to be. The grand event was when my HP used my alcoholic/addict to show me the living definition of humility and she didn't even know it was happening nor anyone else except for myself. She surrendered and got into rehab and her case manager found her on the first morning of her participation sitting on the edge of her bed with a bag over her head for which he ask her why. What she told him lives with me to this moment, "I have come to understand that if I won't allow myself to be blindly led in this program I will not get sober". My sponsor had taught me that the definition of humility was being teachable and here was the example from my own alcoholic/addict who I never thought would live thru it. I could hear God laugh as I listened and I found gratitude for the lesson. She went on to wear that bag over her head for two weeks and the last time I saw her she was beautifully sober and we genuinely loved each other without justification to being married. Strange and real.
That was part of my own exit as I continue to work it. This is not a program of perfection, just progress and as I am allowed to do that I will keep coming back. Thank you for your share and for the ones that followed. I am truly a "made" or "re-made" man from this fellowship. Learn who and what you are with the inventory steps and the fellowship and literature and meetings. You will truly love the person you are now and who you will become. ((((hugs))))
Jayla said
Jun 18, 2017
Thank you all for the replies. It sure has been a hard week.
Aerin said
Jun 18, 2017
same here. I just posted a topic.
I think sometimes enough is enough. And thats sad
SerenityRUS said
Jun 19, 2017
Hugs Jayla,
It will pass .. sometimes like a kidney stone however it will pass. I remember when my X and I split it took me a LONG time to figure out that I really didn't want HIM back .. I wanted the idea of him. I wanted the healthy him I didn't know how to be healthy myself. What I have experienced is that awful feeling at first is overwhelming and it feels like a storm when it comes in .. however it starts to be less stormy and more tranquil. I started being able to really look at my relationship in a much more objective way and see it really was not working out and it was not healthy for either of us.
That spot you are talking about for me was my "God" spot .. whatever word you need to fill in feel free that's what it was/is for me. My best suggestion is start rebuilding your life with friends and family, stay busy. One of my fav AA sayings is move a muscle change a thought .. that meant when I started cycling it was time to do something different .. ANYTHING .. meaning going to a meeting .. reaching out to others and so on. If nothing changes .. guess what .. nothing will change.
So how are you going to take care of you going forward??
All my prayers are for your peace & tranquility today. You had the courage to do what I cannot. Previously, my AH was a meth user and I did kick him out. His family got him into rehab for 90 days. Even through all the nightmares of suddenly being single without an income (I was a SAHM), and the heartache of losing my marriage of 20 years, there were moments where I was thankful he was out of my life. As the days passed, those moments became more frequent. As I leaned into the program, I became stronger... I really was a new person.
After 90 days of rehab and 60 days of showing me he was a person really working his program, I allowed my husband back into my life and the home - for the good of my son, not for me. But I got sucked back in... at first it was because he actually was the person I married while working his program! But that eventually faded away... "I don't need that anymore," or "Meetings make me feel like a failure," blah, blah, blah. Before I knew it, I was living with an full-out alcoholic and I had found I had gone back to my sick ways of behaving as well - as a co-dependent.
Stay strong Jayla. PM me if you ever need to vent but feel like it's too much to post here. If I could, I would hug you!
Namaste
Having program people to talk to really, really helped me. Allowing myself to cry helped too. Knowing it will pass seemed far-reaching but it's true. We truly do not know what is coming next so focusing on what is good helped me realize my future might be way better than even I could project.
Keep coming back and keep things as simple as you can!! (((Hugs)))
What is the big, aching void? What is the crying out? Look and feel those things, get some clarity and focus about them. Have intense and crystal clear awareness around them...and then apply step one. Admit you are powerless over them. Look at them. Feel them. Don't fight them. Look at them like quicksand -- the more you fight, the faster you will sink. However, if you are "still" you can and stop fighting it, you won't sink. So feel them. Embrace them. Then, don't let them consume you. Just feel them and know you are powerless over feeling them -- but don't let them consume you. You see, you can't go around these feelings. You can't go under them or over them...you have to go through them.
Then step two -- something outside of you can help you get through them, and not have them consume you. Do the readings related to those feelings. Share about them at face to face meetings. But, when you do so, keep the focus on you. Focus on you. And then, let it go. Focus on yourself. Focus on the very next thing in front of you -- with a laser-precision focus -- and that will be your complete focus. Do this. Commit to this. Watch what happens.
You are not alone
It is hard when you first make a choice to break up with your A. It is hard to break up with anyone, never mind someone you have been married to and have children with. It is worth it though if you have been constantly living the live of a partner to an alcoholic. I was with my ex-A on and off for 13 years and the ups and downs were terrible. I have never felt so unloved in my life as I did with my ex-bf. Feeling that way drove me to change my life. It happens a little at time. I was not in Alanon then but I wish I was. Try to stay busy and focus on one day or one hour at a time. Read literature and listen to pod cast if you cannot talk to someone face to face. I was always writing list of my good qualities similar to the gratitude list. I read books, played video games, watched TV anything to keep my mind busy. Things will get better.
Aloha ((((Jayla)))) I also remember going thru what you are going thru which came in insane parts to crazy to want to remember or speak about and then there were also powerfully lucid sections which were called grace and growth I learned from the old timers who allowed me to linger and listen to them tell their journeys and then to ask "what'd you do and how'd you do it" questions of them. I recorded their responses with the Al-Anon caveat "Take what you like and leave the rest" to help me build a tool box which I could use or not use as time in program continued on. My exit was clean as often it isn't with us I didn't know how to live with or without my alcoholic/addict wife and everything we built with insanity. "WE" were the problem and I had to stop my part in it as the program and sponsorship was suggesting I do. God those were insane parts of my life whether she was there or not. I owned up to being a "nut case" as my inventories reflected back on me and I continued taking what I liked and leaving others for maybe later. Finally it ended for a time in divorce and I directed my efforts into my recovery which left a trail of messes because of course I was trying to nurture 5 years of Al-Anon against 37 years of insanity...my expectations didn't create many good miracles. But I took my hands off of her life and stopped directing and controlling even though I had opportunities which came from many areas and still the practice, practice, practice started to take over my recovery. My sponsors were God directed people and I needed that and some of the miracles were spectacular and almost unbelievable and miracles are like that opposed to how my life use to be. The grand event was when my HP used my alcoholic/addict to show me the living definition of humility and she didn't even know it was happening nor anyone else except for myself. She surrendered and got into rehab and her case manager found her on the first morning of her participation sitting on the edge of her bed with a bag over her head for which he ask her why. What she told him lives with me to this moment, "I have come to understand that if I won't allow myself to be blindly led in this program I will not get sober". My sponsor had taught me that the definition of humility was being teachable and here was the example from my own alcoholic/addict who I never thought would live thru it. I could hear God laugh as I listened and I found gratitude for the lesson. She went on to wear that bag over her head for two weeks and the last time I saw her she was beautifully sober and we genuinely loved each other without justification to being married. Strange and real.
That was part of my own exit as I continue to work it. This is not a program of perfection, just progress and as I am allowed to do that I will keep coming back. Thank you for your share and for the ones that followed. I am truly a "made" or "re-made" man from this fellowship. Learn who and what you are with the inventory steps and the fellowship and literature and meetings. You will truly love the person you are now and who you will become. ((((hugs))))
It will pass .. sometimes like a kidney stone however it will pass. I remember when my X and I split it took me a LONG time to figure out that I really didn't want HIM back .. I wanted the idea of him. I wanted the healthy him I didn't know how to be healthy myself. What I have experienced is that awful feeling at first is overwhelming and it feels like a storm when it comes in .. however it starts to be less stormy and more tranquil. I started being able to really look at my relationship in a much more objective way and see it really was not working out and it was not healthy for either of us.
That spot you are talking about for me was my "God" spot .. whatever word you need to fill in feel free that's what it was/is for me. My best suggestion is start rebuilding your life with friends and family, stay busy. One of my fav AA sayings is move a muscle change a thought .. that meant when I started cycling it was time to do something different .. ANYTHING .. meaning going to a meeting .. reaching out to others and so on. If nothing changes .. guess what .. nothing will change.
So how are you going to take care of you going forward??
Big hugs ... it really does get better .. S :)