Detachment from my A did not come easy for me. It took several years of surviving pain and disappointment repeatedly. My sponsor taught me to have no expectations, and that was very helpful advice. Now I must learn to detach from my son, who could use some Alanon himself but is not open to it. I have been thinking about how to do this "work." I think I should pay some attention to the tools I need before the next crisis: get rid of my expectations, remind myself of the steps and slogans, see myself as an independent, functioning person who does not need/want to be codependent on anyone, especially my son. It's not that I expect a crisis, but I want to better myself now in my calmer state. I used to be a girl scout: be prepared! Have a nice Sunday, Lyne
Iamhere said
Jun 17, 2017
Howdy Lyne - Detachment for me is also an ongoing exercise....I have to really practice it because everyone changes and everything does too. My sons are immature and tend to reach out only when they need/want something. This hurts my heart but it is what it is. I have hope there will be a day where they just call to say Hello and don't want/need anything but I truly focus on just today and expect nothing. Yet, I am reminded still by my sponsor that I am still an example for them in how to be or how to not be as they do grow and mature...So - I do little things....send a text message - Have a great day! or call just to check in or .... you get it.
I've made it my mission to take the high road as often as possible in all my affairs - respond in a way that is mature, kind, respectful. This is NOT at all how I was raised or how I have lived. Yet, when I prepare to sleep each night and do a 10th Step reviewing my day, I do feel much more at peace when I can look at the day and see my loving responses, my growth in recovery, etc. It feels way better than the anxiety and stress I felt before when I felt like a victim most days.
So - anytime I want to reach out to them, I pause to consider my intent and my purpose. I have been accused of being nosey, controlling, etc. in the past and I really want those perceptions to change....that can only happen if I change. My youngest is having some issues right now and I am very worried. He isolates from me when he's in trouble and I get it - my prayers and hope are that he's leaning into the program and sponsor.
So - I hear you and really understand. I think detachment from a child is a never-ending process!
hotrod said
Jun 17, 2017
Hi Lyne You have used your program tools wisely so please know that detachment and Letting Go and Letting God work well with grown children as well. You got this my dear
shrnp said
Jun 17, 2017
Detaching with love is hard when it is your children. My son does not drink but he test me all the time. I am trying to use the things I have learned in Alanon for other things in my life. I have to be vigilant and stay on top of things. I do not like living that way but I am trying to "mean what I say and say what I mean" when it comes to my son. It can be hard because I have a grandson involved but he just steals my heart.
Bo said
Jun 18, 2017
Lyne wrote:
Detachment from my A did not come easy for me. It took several years of surviving pain and disappointment repeatedly. My sponsor taught me to have no expectations, and that was very helpful advice. Now I must learn to detach from my son, who could use some Alanon himself but is not open to it. I have been thinking about how to do this "work." I think I should pay some attention to the tools I need before the next crisis: get rid of my expectations, remind myself of the steps and slogans, see myself as an independent, functioning person who does not need/want to be codependent on anyone, especially my son. It's not that I expect a crisis, but I want to better myself now in my calmer state. I used to be a girl scout: be prepared! Have a nice Sunday, Lyne
I've often said, doing the work is done outside the meetings. Day to day work, with your sponsor, readings, practicing these principles in all our affairs, etc.
This reminds me of something my sponsor once said -- have a bad day, go to a meeting...have a good day...go to two meetings! Why? To keep doing the work, practicing, being prepared, etc. That's how detachment, the three C's, not enabling, high hopes and low expectations, that's how all of it keeps working -- we keep doing the work.
Detachment from my A did not come easy for me. It took several years of surviving pain and disappointment repeatedly. My sponsor taught me to have no expectations, and that was very helpful advice. Now I must learn to detach from my son, who could use some Alanon himself but is not open to it. I have been thinking about how to do this "work." I think I should pay some attention to the tools I need before the next crisis: get rid of my expectations, remind myself of the steps and slogans, see myself as an independent, functioning person who does not need/want to be codependent on anyone, especially my son. It's not that I expect a crisis, but I want to better myself now in my calmer state. I used to be a girl scout: be prepared! Have a nice Sunday, Lyne
I've made it my mission to take the high road as often as possible in all my affairs - respond in a way that is mature, kind, respectful. This is NOT at all how I was raised or how I have lived. Yet, when I prepare to sleep each night and do a 10th Step reviewing my day, I do feel much more at peace when I can look at the day and see my loving responses, my growth in recovery, etc. It feels way better than the anxiety and stress I felt before when I felt like a victim most days.
So - anytime I want to reach out to them, I pause to consider my intent and my purpose. I have been accused of being nosey, controlling, etc. in the past and I really want those perceptions to change....that can only happen if I change. My youngest is having some issues right now and I am very worried. He isolates from me when he's in trouble and I get it - my prayers and hope are that he's leaning into the program and sponsor.
So - I hear you and really understand. I think detachment from a child is a never-ending process!
I've often said, doing the work is done outside the meetings. Day to day work, with your sponsor, readings, practicing these principles in all our affairs, etc.
This reminds me of something my sponsor once said -- have a bad day, go to a meeting...have a good day...go to two meetings! Why? To keep doing the work, practicing, being prepared, etc. That's how detachment, the three C's, not enabling, high hopes and low expectations, that's how all of it keeps working -- we keep doing the work.