My AH has been sober over a year now (though not in a recovery program) and I still fear the future.
I've been circling the first three steps and attending meetings sporadically, getting comfortable in the way things are now. But that comfort is pretty superficial. I'm still fearful of the idea that my AH could start drinking again and even more fearful that my young son may grow up to have his own issues with addiction. Part of me still wants a written guarantee that we will be okay, some promise from the universe. But the only thing I have(need) is Al Anon.
In a bittersweet way, my fear is helping me dive deeper into recovery. It is helping me be uncomfortable without being in full blown crisis. I don't love this feeling, but I am thankful for the discomfort that pushes me forward in this healing process.
hotrod said
Jun 16, 2017
Great awareness and honesty T. Attending meetings and working the Steps helped me to accept that there are no guarantees in life and if I keep the focus on myself, using my new constructive tools, I will find the "fear " replaced by courage, serenity and wisdom and believe that no matter what HP is firmly in control and I will not be given anything I cannot handle. Keep coming back
Iamhere said
Jun 16, 2017
I love your share - powerful, pointed and so very honest. I totally hear you and can relate. I am one who must lean into this program every day and do suggested program things (daily reader, meetings, sponsor, steps, etc.) or my mind wonders...unfortunately it wants to focus on fear still at times.
As I look back, most of my growth has happened during moments of discomfort, pain or extreme fear. I wish I could just wake up and 'want to be/do better' and consistently change but was told early in recovery that I can't think myself to right acting but I can act my way to right thinking. So, it's in action that I am enlightened and learn.
Good to see you again - keep coming back!!
Taraxacum1 said
Jun 16, 2017
One of my old ways was to wait until a major crisis to respond to anything- big assignments would wait until the last possible moment, any conflict or problem would be ignored until it spiraled out of control. I thrived on the ebb and flow of pockets of calm created by my denial, and big blustery out if control problems that were too big to solve and allowed me to play victim.
It is scary and uncomfortable for me to slowly and decisively move forward in my recovery in times of calm, but I also know I want my recovery more than anything else so I keep moving forward
Lyne said
Jun 16, 2017
Hi T-Treating myself poorly was a life-long habit that needed changing. Over the years with therapy, I improved somewhat, but with 4 serious years in Alanon, I am improving a whole lot. With dedication and work, fear can diminish and as Betty said, can be replaced with positive and much healthier traits. I'm working on that. My spouse hasn't had a drink in about 5 weeks, and is in a program, but the reality is any moment of any day, she can drink. Now I can spend my time making myself sick with worry, which is what I used to do, or I can focus on me, my life, and my health, and I feel so much better. Learning that I cannot control her took a lot of practice but it has finally sunk in. She has her choices and I have mine. I am choosing a positive and more relaxed road to follow, no matter what she does. The board, F2F meetings, a sponsor, and readings, can boost you forward. Keep coming back, Lyne
_bunny_ said
Jun 16, 2017
Thank you ((taraxacum1)) for sharing, it's just what I needed today, isn't this program wonderful like that. I love that you said "the only thing I need is Al-Anon", true story. I can relate to having fears and that's what keeps me coming back :)
Hi Jodi, I first heard about the Recovery Show here at MIP, so I would think anything to help us aid in our recovery would be okay??
Jerry F said
Jun 16, 2017
Sister this is he picture I need to keep before me, the picture of awareness and understanding and commitment. This is strong because if you keep it within you the disease will not have an easy time taking you down again. Good on you...very good. Your post gives me peace of mind and serenity also and the determination that just for today I will ".............insert the Just for Today Pamphlet". Mahalo Tara ((((Hugs))))
Taraxacum1 wrote:
One of my old ways was to wait until a major crisis to respond to anything- big assignments would wait until the last possible moment, any conflict or problem would be ignored until it spiraled out of control. I thrived on the ebb and flow of pockets of calm created by my denial, and big blustery out if control problems that were too big to solve and allowed me to play victim. It is scary and uncomfortable for me to slowly and decisively move forward in my recovery in times of calm, but I also know I want my recovery more than anything else so I keep moving forward
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 17, 2017
Thank you for your honest share, T.
It is my experience that without a program, the qualifier will relapse. So much valuable life is wasted on the 'What If's.' I can get obsessed with the 'What If's.' So Al-Anon is my life-raft. It sounds like it is yours as well. We'll lean in together and keep moving forward!
Peace and light to you this weekend!
Bo said
Jun 18, 2017
Taraxacum1 wrote:
My AH has been sober over a year now (though not in a recovery program) and I still fear the future. I've been circling the first three steps and attending meetings sporadically, getting comfortable in the way things are now. But that comfort is pretty superficial. I'm still fearful of the idea that my AH could start drinking again and even more fearful that my young son may grow up to have his own issues with addiction. Part of me still wants a written guarantee that we will be okay, some promise from the universe. But the only thing I have(need) is Al Anon. In a bittersweet way, my fear is helping me dive deeper into recovery. It is helping me be uncomfortable without being in full blown crisis. I don't love this feeling, but I am thankful for the discomfort that pushes me forward in this healing process.
There is a simple answer...and perhaps harder practical application...and that is...you live your life...ONE DAY AT A TIME...
One day at a time is not just simply a slogan. There is meaning, methodology, mindset, etc., behind the words, behind the slogan. This is something I had to learn from the very beginning, most basic, simplest, activity. I had to learn to focus on the very next thing in front of me, with a laser precision focus so that I was thinking about nothing else but that very next task in front of me. It is hard to explain, but having this kind of focus and clarity allows you to get through anything -- one day at a time. Sometimes, for me, it was one minute at a time. But, that discomfort, even other feelings, you can't go around it, under it or over it -- you have to go through it. Apply the first three steps to those feelings.
Taraxacum1 said
Jun 18, 2017
I've been sitting with my fear, making friends with it. I'm not just scared of crisis, I'm scared of change. I'm scared of recovery and scared of admitting exactly how sick I am with this disease because then I will have to work hard to fix myself. I'd have to live in reality and be authentic and accountable.
It's making me laugh now, what could be scary about becoming a better version of me? I'm awesome. And what good were my denial and delusions anyway? Oh, the fear in me is all twisted up and tangled but it's really so small and insignificant.
Today, I bought myself a new program book. I swam with my son, I cleaned my house and kissed my husband. This one day was good. Thanks for all your insights. đ
Jerry F said
Jun 18, 2017
Tara it seems you have come to understand that emotionally Fear is the greatest character defect we suffer with. Its true. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind body spirit and emotions and the greatest negative emotions is fear. The family stands with you and will share our ESH regarding that defect. My sponsor and others taught me that the acronym for fear is FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. Most of the time it is rooted in false evidence....My emotions create it and my mind buys it and it is all based on false evidence. Take care Sister...Let go and Let God hold you. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Jun 19, 2017
Hey Tara - I'm with Jerry --- fear as a word and defined based on FOO (for me) ran my life....I found it to be a powerful force that was within me and more often than not, that fear was irrational and based on my projections of what might be as well as obsessing that the past would for sure repeat itself in the future. It's a tough defect to shake/address, but it's very, very possible.
What really helped me when my thinking began to spiral about was to be reminded that in the here and now (as simple as Monday morning @ 6:47am), I am just fine. I am safe, I am loved and I am a child of the world no different, worse or better than any other.
Let go and do simple, baby steps, just for today! I love that you listed out that which is good. My brain so often went to what wasn't good - I had to flip that in recovery and it certainly helped - the asset and gratitude lists gave me in black and white the support I needed to focus on what was working...
Keep coming back - it does work and you are worthy!
Great awareness and honesty T. Attending meetings and working the Steps helped me to accept that there are no guarantees in life and if I keep the focus on myself, using my new constructive tools, I will find the "fear " replaced by courage, serenity and wisdom and believe that no matter what HP is firmly in control and I will not be given anything I cannot handle. Keep coming back
As I look back, most of my growth has happened during moments of discomfort, pain or extreme fear. I wish I could just wake up and 'want to be/do better' and consistently change but was told early in recovery that I can't think myself to right acting but I can act my way to right thinking. So, it's in action that I am enlightened and learn.
Good to see you again - keep coming back!!
Hi Jodi, I first heard about the Recovery Show here at MIP, so I would think anything to help us aid in our recovery would be okay??
It is my experience that without a program, the qualifier will relapse. So much valuable life is wasted on the 'What If's.' I can get obsessed with the 'What If's.' So Al-Anon is my life-raft. It sounds like it is yours as well. We'll lean in together and keep moving forward!
Peace and light to you this weekend!
There is a simple answer...and perhaps harder practical application...and that is...you live your life...ONE DAY AT A TIME...
One day at a time is not just simply a slogan. There is meaning, methodology, mindset, etc., behind the words, behind the slogan. This is something I had to learn from the very beginning, most basic, simplest, activity. I had to learn to focus on the very next thing in front of me, with a laser precision focus so that I was thinking about nothing else but that very next task in front of me. It is hard to explain, but having this kind of focus and clarity allows you to get through anything -- one day at a time. Sometimes, for me, it was one minute at a time. But, that discomfort, even other feelings, you can't go around it, under it or over it -- you have to go through it. Apply the first three steps to those feelings.
Tara it seems you have come to understand that emotionally Fear is the greatest character defect we suffer with. Its true. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind body spirit and emotions and the greatest negative emotions is fear. The family stands with you and will share our ESH regarding that defect. My sponsor and others taught me that the acronym for fear is FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. Most of the time it is rooted in false evidence....My emotions create it and my mind buys it and it is all based on false evidence. Take care Sister...Let go and Let God hold you. ((((hugs))))
What really helped me when my thinking began to spiral about was to be reminded that in the here and now (as simple as Monday morning @ 6:47am), I am just fine. I am safe, I am loved and I am a child of the world no different, worse or better than any other.
Let go and do simple, baby steps, just for today! I love that you listed out that which is good. My brain so often went to what wasn't good - I had to flip that in recovery and it certainly helped - the asset and gratitude lists gave me in black and white the support I needed to focus on what was working...
Keep coming back - it does work and you are worthy!