When I wrote, "Is this Normal?", I started chuckling - like ANYTHING is normal with this stuff! Anyway, what I'm wondering is, as we begin to get some measure of serenity in our lives, I understand that it's normal to not agonize about the alcoholic all the time, but is it normal to think less and less of the alcoholic, avoiding even good memories from before alcohol took him, because thinking about how good it was compared to how bad it is now brings me to tears quickly.
Even saying that I think of him less and less pains me (that I'm not thinking about my deeply troubled, 30 year old son), but his choice is apparently to not have anything to do with me - I know he's sick, and I'm not mad at him for that choice, but that choice of his breaks my heart all day, every day. Al Anon has saved my life over and over as I've learned more and put program ideas into practice in my life, but not having a good relationship with him is, and probably always will be, exceptionally painful.
As I make progress not perfection (certainly NOT perfection, LOL), I find that I sometimes can go for days at a time not even thinking much about him and what he's doing. When I do my readings, meditations, and Step 11 prayers in the morning and evenings, I do sometimes start thinking about him, but it almost always immediately takes me to a dark place, and I have to cut those thoughts off immediately or my day is consumed with "how bad its gonna be" stories of his future.
So, how do you guys handle this?? Do you guys tell yourselves that your loved one is in God's hands and that it's OK for ya not to worry about him? But what about not even thinking much about him? Don't get me wrong - I love my son so much, but I know that I can't do anything to save him - maybe me not thinking about him is my subconscious way of preserving my sanity - some days I feel like I'm pretty close to the edge.
Any of this make sense?? Thanks in advance for your ESH !!
hotrod said
Jun 14, 2017
Hi again, Texas Yankee, I do believe that your program is working. Living one day at a time ,staying in the moment and in the day, not the in the past or worrying about the future, I too found that I was focused on the present moment and what was happening in my life at that time. I was not thinking of my son because he was not in that moment but I never stopped loving him as you love yours, I would say a prayer each morning for him and trust that HP had his best interest at heart .
I do believe we give up worrying because we finally get to accept the fact that worrying only hurts us and does not solve the problem. It is a destructive tool that prevents us from experiencing life. I am so pleased that the Al-Anon tools are working so well for you and urge you to trust the process.
It is possible to continue to love your son and let go of the worry. The first 3 Steps work . I reminded myself each day that I cannot, He can, I will let him.
Iamhere said
Jun 15, 2017
I'm with Betty above me - the program is working. When my sons fell to the disease, I was shocked, broken, depressed and lost. I actually had to take down photos around my home for a long time, as just a smiling child photo would send me into deep despair and sadness - debilitating depression. The program helped me realize their story is not over, their lives are still unfolding and where there is breathe, there is hope.
As my sanity returned and I found pockets of peace, I remember feeling guilty for moving forward/on. I spent a great deal of time talking with my sponsor about this and was able to process through it. I turned both over countless times and some days, still do. So - you are where you should be and there is still no shame in loving a wayward child, an alcoholic nor is there any shame in having hope for a better journey for them!
Keep working it and keep coming back - as I got better, things changed around here. Some things more than others, but healing happens and so do miracles!!
Mattie said
Jun 15, 2017
It sounds like you have reached a place of balance. A normal relationship between a parent and a 30-year-old would be one of letting them go, rather than of hovering over them like a toddler. Yet the life of an A can be so chaotic and needy and demanding that in our anxiety we do tend to hover over them like a toddler. I'd say you are probably thinking about your son and his life as often as a parent of a non-alcoholic son thinks about their son. That is to say, some of the time, but not all day every day with a mind full of anxiety and fear. You are doing your half of the relationship the way a healthy parent would. You're letting him be a grown-up and live his own life. That sounds pretty great to me.
Bo said
Jun 15, 2017
texas yankee wrote:
When I wrote, "Is this Normal?", I started chuckling - like ANYTHING is normal with this stuff! Anyway, what I'm wondering is, as we begin to get some measure of serenity in our lives, I understand that it's normal to not agonize about the alcoholic all the time, but is it normal to think less and less of the alcoholic, avoiding even good memories from before alcohol took him, because thinking about how good it was compared to how bad it is now brings me to tears quickly.
Even saying that I think of him less and less pains me (that I'm not thinking about my deeply troubled, 30 year old son), but his choice is apparently to not have anything to do with me - I know he's sick, and I'm not mad at him for that choice, but that choice of his breaks my heart all day, every day. Al Anon has saved my life over and over as I've learned more and put program ideas into practice in my life, but not having a good relationship with him is, and probably always will be, exceptionally painful.
As I make progress not perfection (certainly NOT perfection, LOL), I find that I sometimes can go for days at a time not even thinking much about him and what he's doing. When I do my readings, meditations, and Step 11 prayers in the morning and evenings, I do sometimes start thinking about him, but it almost always immediately takes me to a dark place, and I have to cut those thoughts off immediately or my day is consumed with "how bad its gonna be" stories of his future.
So, how do you guys handle this?? Do you guys tell yourselves that your loved one is in God's hands and that it's OK for ya not to worry about him? But what about not even thinking much about him? Don't get me wrong - I love my son so much, but I know that I can't do anything to save him - maybe me not thinking about him is my subconscious way of preserving my sanity - some days I feel like I'm pretty close to the edge.
Any of this make sense?? Thanks in advance for your ESH !!
I think while each person is different, there are some common themes and steps one can take, and some or all of them might work. First, I worry, but I don't let the worry consume me. I don't let it take over my life. I do this because, two, I have immersed myself in acceptance -- and I live and breathe that I can't do anything about the other person, their disease, drinking, drug use, actions, and so on. Third, I don't "think" about the person in that -- that is the slippery slope for me. I have to be careful. I don't ignore them or write them off completely, but I honor and stand by my boundaries big time. Always. I don't get sucked into the drama, chaos, and turmoil of the other person's life, because that creates all those things in my life. I have to be careful.
I don't feel guilty not thinking about the other person. For years all I did was think about her! I realize that focusing on me and my life is healthy for me. I never feel it's selfish or anything of the like. As far as being in God's hands -- well, if that person is really struggling and trouble is brewing or already there -- I pray, but I am not fanatical. I don't change what I am doing or not doing because of their crisis. Sure, I can ask God to look out for the other person. Nothing wrong with that, LOL. But it's also OK if I still worry -- but in a healthy and detached way.
Talk to your sponsor about this. It will work for you.
When I wrote, "Is this Normal?", I started chuckling - like ANYTHING is normal with this stuff! Anyway, what I'm wondering is, as we begin to get some measure of serenity in our lives, I understand that it's normal to not agonize about the alcoholic all the time, but is it normal to think less and less of the alcoholic, avoiding even good memories from before alcohol took him, because thinking about how good it was compared to how bad it is now brings me to tears quickly.
Even saying that I think of him less and less pains me (that I'm not thinking about my deeply troubled, 30 year old son), but his choice is apparently to not have anything to do with me - I know he's sick, and I'm not mad at him for that choice, but that choice of his breaks my heart all day, every day. Al Anon has saved my life over and over as I've learned more and put program ideas into practice in my life, but not having a good relationship with him is, and probably always will be, exceptionally painful.
As I make progress not perfection (certainly NOT perfection, LOL), I find that I sometimes can go for days at a time not even thinking much about him and what he's doing. When I do my readings, meditations, and Step 11 prayers in the morning and evenings, I do sometimes start thinking about him, but it almost always immediately takes me to a dark place, and I have to cut those thoughts off immediately or my day is consumed with "how bad its gonna be" stories of his future.
So, how do you guys handle this?? Do you guys tell yourselves that your loved one is in God's hands and that it's OK for ya not to worry about him? But what about not even thinking much about him? Don't get me wrong - I love my son so much, but I know that I can't do anything to save him - maybe me not thinking about him is my subconscious way of preserving my sanity - some days I feel like I'm pretty close to the edge.
Any of this make sense?? Thanks in advance for your ESH !!
Hi again, Texas Yankee, I do believe that your program is working. Living one day at a time ,staying in the moment and in the day, not the in the past or worrying about the future, I too found that I was focused on the present moment and what was happening in my life at that time. I was not thinking of my son because he was not in that moment but I never stopped loving him as you love yours, I would say a prayer each morning for him and trust that HP had his best interest at heart .
I do believe we give up worrying because we finally get to accept the fact that worrying only hurts us and does not solve the problem. It is a destructive tool that prevents us from experiencing life. I am so pleased that the Al-Anon tools are working so well for you and urge you to trust the process.
It is possible to continue to love your son and let go of the worry. The first 3 Steps work . I reminded myself each day that I cannot, He can, I will let him.
As my sanity returned and I found pockets of peace, I remember feeling guilty for moving forward/on. I spent a great deal of time talking with my sponsor about this and was able to process through it. I turned both over countless times and some days, still do. So - you are where you should be and there is still no shame in loving a wayward child, an alcoholic nor is there any shame in having hope for a better journey for them!
Keep working it and keep coming back - as I got better, things changed around here. Some things more than others, but healing happens and so do miracles!!
It sounds like you have reached a place of balance. A normal relationship between a parent and a 30-year-old would be one of letting them go, rather than of hovering over them like a toddler. Yet the life of an A can be so chaotic and needy and demanding that in our anxiety we do tend to hover over them like a toddler. I'd say you are probably thinking about your son and his life as often as a parent of a non-alcoholic son thinks about their son. That is to say, some of the time, but not all day every day with a mind full of anxiety and fear. You are doing your half of the relationship the way a healthy parent would. You're letting him be a grown-up and live his own life. That sounds pretty great to me.
I think while each person is different, there are some common themes and steps one can take, and some or all of them might work. First, I worry, but I don't let the worry consume me. I don't let it take over my life. I do this because, two, I have immersed myself in acceptance -- and I live and breathe that I can't do anything about the other person, their disease, drinking, drug use, actions, and so on. Third, I don't "think" about the person in that -- that is the slippery slope for me. I have to be careful. I don't ignore them or write them off completely, but I honor and stand by my boundaries big time. Always. I don't get sucked into the drama, chaos, and turmoil of the other person's life, because that creates all those things in my life. I have to be careful.
I don't feel guilty not thinking about the other person. For years all I did was think about her! I realize that focusing on me and my life is healthy for me. I never feel it's selfish or anything of the like. As far as being in God's hands -- well, if that person is really struggling and trouble is brewing or already there -- I pray, but I am not fanatical. I don't change what I am doing or not doing because of their crisis. Sure, I can ask God to look out for the other person. Nothing wrong with that, LOL. But it's also OK if I still worry -- but in a healthy and detached way.
Talk to your sponsor about this. It will work for you.