Our youngest is marrying this weekend in another city. There will be a big wedding with numerous family and old friends coming from out of town. I am looking forward it. I want to keep my focus on all that is good and joyful.
Of course-why else am I on this site?...... there is my AD (who lives 100 miles away). The plan is that some relatives, including my daughter, will meet at my house, then we will caravan to the wedding and meet up with everyone else there.
AD has not made it to a family event in years (she missed our youngest's engagement party because she was delusional and thought he had called her to tell her he eloped to Las Vegas).
As is typical with all As, she has better and worse times. Last week she was sober and rational. She drove here and we shopped and I bought her an outfit to wear to the wedding. However, beginning a few days ago, she began her predictable downward spiral. She called this morning to say she had no gas, her boyfriend wouldn't give her any money, he was harassing her, so she didn't even want to go to the wedding anymore, and why was he doing this to her, ruining her day etc.
Serenity ESH please.
hotrod said
Jun 13, 2017
The wedding sounds like a lovely event. Prayers and positive thoughts on the way for all concerned
Jerry F said
Jun 13, 2017
Ignutah that's a fair reach out and it seems that she is depending on others for her decision as you are also. I read and fall back on the steps starting from one and taking a firm stand on three and then the decision again becomes hers...what is she afraid of and how much does she love your relative? Will she want the consequences of having missed the wedding and who will she blame (including herself). Try not to be a therapist. Keep coming back (((have a great trip)))
Bo said
Jun 13, 2017
lgnutah wrote:
Our youngest is marrying this weekend in another city. There will be a big wedding with numerous family and old friends coming from out of town. I am looking forward it. I want to keep my focus on all that is good and joyful.
Of course-why else am I on this site?...... there is my AD (who lives 100 miles away). The plan is that some relatives, including my daughter, will meet at my house, then we will caravan to the wedding and meet up with everyone else there.
AD has not made it to a family event in years (she missed our youngest's engagement party because she was delusional and thought he had called her to tell her he eloped to Las Vegas).
As is typical with all As, she has better and worse times. Last week she was sober and rational. She drove here and we shopped and I bought her an outfit to wear to the wedding. However, beginning a few days ago, she began her predictable downward spiral. She called this morning to say she had no gas, her boyfriend wouldn't give her any money, he was harassing her, so she didn't even want to go to the wedding anymore, and why was he doing this to her, ruining her day etc.
Serenity ESH please.
It is very common that "another person" impacts someone in our life. My ex was tormented by a heroin addicted son who impacted her life, and thus our life, every single day -- from $5 for McDonald's, to $10 for cigarettes and smoking hers after she gave him money for his own, to gas money, and everything else in day to day life. My ex didn't see it like I did. So she was unhealthy and I was unhealthy in my own way. So what did I do. The very hard thing, which was to let her figure it out on her own. I couldn't show or tell her what he was doing to her. I had to let her get sick and tired on her own and when she finally had enough, she went about her own life and stopped being so involved and co-dependent with him and his life.
Now, that's not easy for you to do now. But you can. You can be there for your daughter and simply support her and get her to the wedding, away and out of his sickness and let her see that she can enjoy life on her own away from him. Get out of the chaos and offer her the same opportunity. That's all you can do. Be there for her and don't try to fix all of what is going on. Don't involve yourself, but offer her support and help in getting to the wedding.
There's a difference between you pulling up in a lifeboat alongside someone who is drowning and trying to force them into your lifeboat, pulling them into the boat, screaming and yelling that they should get into the boat...and simply pulling up alongside and offering them a life preserver and an opportunity to get into the boat on their own...if they want to.
All the best.
SerenityRUS said
Jun 14, 2017
Hugs,
I'm so sorry that this is happening I hope that you can enjoy the moment and allow your daughter to be where she is at without adding to your stress. I am learning not to take on other people's stuff, .. specifically my kids and that is HARD I don't care if they are addicts or not .. it's always a process of letting go and trying to trust something bigger than me has a better and bigger plan. As my sponsor used to tell me .. S .. the J plan is not working for me, I have to remind myself constantly there is something bigger running the show. This day is about your boy and that is ok.
I have found that HP is bigger than a bread box and a whole lot bigger than my challenges .. somehow it always kind of works out for the best. Loved one's missing events is a very difficult lesson to swallow. It probably needed to happen that way for a reason.
Funny story .. I have had to remind my kids recently that just because summer is here it is just not about them .. LOL .. I still have to work .. I still have to pay bills .. I still have daily responsibilities .. and they can help so when I am off we CAN do fun things or they can fight me by ignoring my requests, lists or whatever and on my time off they are still going to be cleaning, cooking and so on .. funny thing is .. when that plan went into action they decided it was much more fun to kick back when we were all together.
Now I say this and I'm leaving work early to take my daughter to her college so we can muddle through some of her scholarship stuff that is not making sense .. ugh .. come to find out tuition is paid for thank GOD. My point is .. today it will be about her not her brother and probably another day it will be about her brother and his needs regarding school. It is not always about one or the other .. somedays I get a vote in there too.
They have both had the understanding that they do not get to make it about them when it's about the other .. meaning .. my son doesn't get to show his butt today because it's about his sister. He can .. if he chooses to do that .. he won't come with us.
Hugs S :)
el-cee said
Jun 14, 2017
I see it differently, I don't think its your job at all to get your daughter to the wedding. As far as I see the nature of the disease means drinkers struggle in these kind of social settings, it can feel like a lot of pressure and I remember when an event like this made me really nervous, fear is a big issue for the drinker and for us.
One of my amends to my children is to not put the drinker above everything and everyone else, i did this for years, it was all about the drinker, my focus, i was obsessed and i neglected my other responsibilities to my other children.
This is about your youngest daughter and shes the important one in this situation. Let your other daughter work this out for herself, you have bought her an outfit. I would let go and let God from this point on and I would make a real big effort to get onboard with this wedding for your youngest daughter, this is her day and if her sister doesn't turn up then it is probably for the best and is the truth of the matter, shes sick and sick people behave like sick people.
Try making a decision to enjoy the build up and enjoy the day, everything will turn out just as it should without interference or control .
Bo said
Jun 14, 2017
el-cee wrote:
I see it differently, I don't think its your job at all to get your daughter to the wedding. As far as I see the nature of the disease means drinkers struggle in these kind of social settings, it can feel like a lot of pressure and I remember when an event like this made me really nervous, fear is a big issue for the drinker and for us.
One of my amends to my children is to not put the drinker above everything and everyone else, i did this for years, it was all about the drinker, my focus, i was obsessed and i neglected my other responsibilities to my other children.
This is about your youngest daughter and shes the important one in this situation. Let your other daughter work this out for herself, you have bought her an outfit. I would let go and let God from this point on and I would make a real big effort to get onboard with this wedding for your youngest daughter, this is her day and if her sister doesn't turn up then it is probably for the best and is the truth of the matter, shes sick and sick people behave like sick people.
Try making a decision to enjoy the build up and enjoy the day, everything will turn out just as it should without interference or control .
I can absolutely see this perspective as well. I was going on the premise that the daughter "has" to be there or something along those lines. I did not include anything about her sobriety being at risk. That aside, if she doesn't have to be there -- yes, let everyone figure this out on their own. If she wants to get there, she can and she will. If she doesn't, she won't, and excluding the "excuses" and the drama and chaos, that will be healthy for you and the bride to be and the rest of the family. If she really wants to be there and some idiot BF is preventing it -- and you want to help in a supportive and healthy way, I can see that, with the massive stress on healthy and supportive.
Thanks.
2HP said
Jun 14, 2017
You already know.... applause! applause!!! it's all about FOCUS
I was told what I focus on will get bigger and bigger. I have tested this theory and found it is true. If I focus on the good... or if I focus on the "disagreeable"... my emotions always follow, it just grows and grows in my brain.
so take your own suggestion..... with fierce determination.... "focus on all that is good and joyful"
Higher Power will definitely be present before you and behind you, to your left and right, above and behind you, within you and without. The disease will be lurking too. so it looks like a perfect opportunity to "make a decision"
another day to LET GO. LET GOD (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Jun 14, 2017
(((Ignutah))) - your share reminded me of an incident with my youngest son.....my dad's uncle passed away, and this side of the family is small - and mostly female. Essentially, not knowing my life, I was asked if one of my sons could be a pall bearer. At the time, my oldest was active in his disease and missing. That left my youngest, who I asked and he agreed.
The night before the funeral, he went out and got obliterated and was in no shape to take ANY WHERE!!! I was shocked as this is the child who watched his brother flop, flail and almost die on multiple occasions. This is my youngest, who held me tight and said he would never be what his brother had become.....I did not even have time to parent my child as I had to find a pall bearer and be at a funeral for a lovely great uncle who shared my birthday (and Jerry's!!).
I called my best friend who has twins a year ahead of my oldest and asked if one would fill in. They agreed to do so, and I had to run them over the clothes I had purchased my son - not only did I have to find a warm body, I had to find a skinny warm body that could fit the clothes!!!
We went to the funeral, I suggested my son was sick and I celebrated the life of this lovely man. To this day, I've never come clean about that day as it was never about me - it was about a son who lost his father, a wife who lost her husband and some kids who lost their g-pa.
I'm with HP - let go and let God. Remember why you are going and focus on the event as intended.....I'm an 'act as if' person. I had to learn detachment fast as this event was the beginning of 2 active children with this disease and a AH who was active also....in other words, complete insanity. One day, one moment at a time - allow HIM to show you the way!!
lgnutah said
Jun 26, 2017
My AD didn't show.
AD was going to come to my home a day ahead, and we would drive together in the morning. She didn't show, so we agreed to meet at a point and drive together in the morning. Then she couldn't do that so I offered to pick her up but she said she wouldn't open the door if I came. So I left and drove on my own.
Next she said she would drive to another relative's home and go with that person but didn't get off in time so the relative left without her. Then she sent a text that she was going to drive alone. She apparently started off, realized how far the drive actually was and said she wasn't coming and she was very sad. At that point I turned my phone off.
I asked my son if she had let him know she wasn't coming. She hadn't. I started to relate but he cut me off and said he didn't want to hear it so that was that.
The wedding was beautiful. I had a wonderful time with all people who were there.
Iamhere said
Jun 26, 2017
Glad that you got to attend a beautiful wedding and had a great time! Sounds like you did what made sense for you - good job! Happy to have an update!
Bo said
Jun 27, 2017
I am glad you enjoyed the wedding. It was a joyous moment -- one to celebrate and cherish. You did what you had to and wanted to do. Good for you.
Remember the wedding. Not who was and wasn't there. One day at a time.
Our youngest is marrying this weekend in another city. There will be a big wedding with numerous family and old friends coming from out of town. I am looking forward it. I want to keep my focus on all that is good and joyful.
Of course-why else am I on this site?...... there is my AD (who lives 100 miles away). The plan is that some relatives, including my daughter, will meet at my house, then we will caravan to the wedding and meet up with everyone else there.
AD has not made it to a family event in years (she missed our youngest's engagement party because she was delusional and thought he had called her to tell her he eloped to Las Vegas).
As is typical with all As, she has better and worse times. Last week she was sober and rational. She drove here and we shopped and I bought her an outfit to wear to the wedding. However, beginning a few days ago, she began her predictable downward spiral. She called this morning to say she had no gas, her boyfriend wouldn't give her any money, he was harassing her, so she didn't even want to go to the wedding anymore, and why was he doing this to her, ruining her day etc.
Serenity ESH please.
The wedding sounds like a lovely event. Prayers and positive thoughts on the way for all concerned
Ignutah that's a fair reach out and it seems that she is depending on others for her decision as you are also. I read and fall back on the steps starting from one and taking a firm stand on three and then the decision again becomes hers...what is she afraid of and how much does she love your relative? Will she want the consequences of having missed the wedding and who will she blame (including herself). Try not to be a therapist. Keep coming back (((have a great trip)))
It is very common that "another person" impacts someone in our life. My ex was tormented by a heroin addicted son who impacted her life, and thus our life, every single day -- from $5 for McDonald's, to $10 for cigarettes and smoking hers after she gave him money for his own, to gas money, and everything else in day to day life. My ex didn't see it like I did. So she was unhealthy and I was unhealthy in my own way. So what did I do. The very hard thing, which was to let her figure it out on her own. I couldn't show or tell her what he was doing to her. I had to let her get sick and tired on her own and when she finally had enough, she went about her own life and stopped being so involved and co-dependent with him and his life.
Now, that's not easy for you to do now. But you can. You can be there for your daughter and simply support her and get her to the wedding, away and out of his sickness and let her see that she can enjoy life on her own away from him. Get out of the chaos and offer her the same opportunity. That's all you can do. Be there for her and don't try to fix all of what is going on. Don't involve yourself, but offer her support and help in getting to the wedding.
There's a difference between you pulling up in a lifeboat alongside someone who is drowning and trying to force them into your lifeboat, pulling them into the boat, screaming and yelling that they should get into the boat...and simply pulling up alongside and offering them a life preserver and an opportunity to get into the boat on their own...if they want to.
All the best.
I'm so sorry that this is happening I hope that you can enjoy the moment and allow your daughter to be where she is at without adding to your stress. I am learning not to take on other people's stuff, .. specifically my kids and that is HARD I don't care if they are addicts or not .. it's always a process of letting go and trying to trust something bigger than me has a better and bigger plan. As my sponsor used to tell me .. S .. the J plan is not working for me, I have to remind myself constantly there is something bigger running the show. This day is about your boy and that is ok.
I have found that HP is bigger than a bread box and a whole lot bigger than my challenges .. somehow it always kind of works out for the best. Loved one's missing events is a very difficult lesson to swallow. It probably needed to happen that way for a reason.
Funny story .. I have had to remind my kids recently that just because summer is here it is just not about them .. LOL .. I still have to work .. I still have to pay bills .. I still have daily responsibilities .. and they can help so when I am off we CAN do fun things or they can fight me by ignoring my requests, lists or whatever and on my time off they are still going to be cleaning, cooking and so on .. funny thing is .. when that plan went into action they decided it was much more fun to kick back when we were all together.
Now I say this and I'm leaving work early to take my daughter to her college so we can muddle through some of her scholarship stuff that is not making sense .. ugh .. come to find out tuition is paid for thank GOD. My point is .. today it will be about her not her brother and probably another day it will be about her brother and his needs regarding school. It is not always about one or the other .. somedays I get a vote in there too.
They have both had the understanding that they do not get to make it about them when it's about the other .. meaning .. my son doesn't get to show his butt today because it's about his sister. He can .. if he chooses to do that .. he won't come with us.
Hugs S :)
One of my amends to my children is to not put the drinker above everything and everyone else, i did this for years, it was all about the drinker, my focus, i was obsessed and i neglected my other responsibilities to my other children.
This is about your youngest daughter and shes the important one in this situation. Let your other daughter work this out for herself, you have bought her an outfit. I would let go and let God from this point on and I would make a real big effort to get onboard with this wedding for your youngest daughter, this is her day and if her sister doesn't turn up then it is probably for the best and is the truth of the matter, shes sick and sick people behave like sick people.
Try making a decision to enjoy the build up and enjoy the day, everything will turn out just as it should without interference or control .
I can absolutely see this perspective as well. I was going on the premise that the daughter "has" to be there or something along those lines. I did not include anything about her sobriety being at risk. That aside, if she doesn't have to be there -- yes, let everyone figure this out on their own. If she wants to get there, she can and she will. If she doesn't, she won't, and excluding the "excuses" and the drama and chaos, that will be healthy for you and the bride to be and the rest of the family. If she really wants to be there and some idiot BF is preventing it -- and you want to help in a supportive and healthy way, I can see that, with the massive stress on healthy and supportive.
Thanks.
I was told what I focus on will get bigger and bigger. I have tested this theory and found it is true. If I focus on the good... or if I focus on the "disagreeable"... my emotions always follow, it just grows and grows in my brain.
so take your own suggestion..... with fierce determination.... "focus on all that is good and joyful"
Higher Power will definitely be present before you and behind you, to your left and right, above and behind you, within you and without. The disease will be lurking too. so it looks like a perfect opportunity to "make a decision"
another day to LET GO. LET GOD (((hugs)))
The night before the funeral, he went out and got obliterated and was in no shape to take ANY WHERE!!! I was shocked as this is the child who watched his brother flop, flail and almost die on multiple occasions. This is my youngest, who held me tight and said he would never be what his brother had become.....I did not even have time to parent my child as I had to find a pall bearer and be at a funeral for a lovely great uncle who shared my birthday (and Jerry's!!).
I called my best friend who has twins a year ahead of my oldest and asked if one would fill in. They agreed to do so, and I had to run them over the clothes I had purchased my son - not only did I have to find a warm body, I had to find a skinny warm body that could fit the clothes!!!
We went to the funeral, I suggested my son was sick and I celebrated the life of this lovely man. To this day, I've never come clean about that day as it was never about me - it was about a son who lost his father, a wife who lost her husband and some kids who lost their g-pa.
I'm with HP - let go and let God. Remember why you are going and focus on the event as intended.....I'm an 'act as if' person. I had to learn detachment fast as this event was the beginning of 2 active children with this disease and a AH who was active also....in other words, complete insanity. One day, one moment at a time - allow HIM to show you the way!!
AD was going to come to my home a day ahead, and we would drive together in the morning. She didn't show, so we agreed to meet at a point and drive together in the morning. Then she couldn't do that so I offered to pick her up but she said she wouldn't open the door if I came. So I left and drove on my own.
Next she said she would drive to another relative's home and go with that person but didn't get off in time so the relative left without her. Then she sent a text that she was going to drive alone. She apparently started off, realized how far the drive actually was and said she wasn't coming and she was very sad. At that point I turned my phone off.
I asked my son if she had let him know she wasn't coming. She hadn't. I started to relate but he cut me off and said he didn't want to hear it so that was that.
The wedding was beautiful. I had a wonderful time with all people who were there.
Remember the wedding. Not who was and wasn't there. One day at a time.