I've not started working the steps yet. As I've read and heard them talked about at meetings I have been anxious about the 4th step and what that will be like. This morning I was reading "How Al-Anon Works" and the descriptions of the steps. I had thought the step was basically going to be about making a list of what a terrible person I am all the time or something like that. I get plenty of that already from my critical inner voices. As I read it became clearer that a moral inventory will also include strengths not just weaknesses. My anxiety is reduced and I'm reminded that this is why I need to be living more in the now and not trying to do a not-fully-understood step in my head to prepare for some future pain that might not even be real.
-- Edited by WestMan on Monday 12th of June 2017 12:33:59 PM
hotrod said
Jun 12, 2017
Great awareness.West man That is a great book I too dreaded the 4th Step in the beginning until it was explained to me that alanon is a self acceptance program and all i am doing with the steps is looking within to see what I am doing that might hurt myself. That helped me proceed.
Jerry F said
Jun 12, 2017
The very best way I had of working the 4th was with my sponsorship that had worked their own with sponsorship. I've done 6 of them each one more searching, fearless and moral because....I lacked experience and found I had a nature to hid from anything that attacked my ego and pride which was the very last 4th step result...EGO...EASING GOD OUT. My sponsor left me with doing the opposite of EGO or OGE...OFFERING GOD ENTRY. Isn't this program magical? Let us know how it comes out for you. (((Hugs)))
Aline said
Jun 12, 2017
Hi, WestMan. I can emphatize. When I first came to Alanon, the steps seemed, and were at the time, completely out of my reach. I couldn't imagine myself taking them, really. I didn't really understand step 1, for starters. But some four months or so in I understood I'm ready for step 1, and I began working on it, by myself, with the help of step work board here on MIP. At the time I was totally not ready for step 2, but I thought I will be when I will be, and I became ready after completing step 1. I'm now at step 4, which I was also completely. not ready for until after I completed step 3. I'm tiny bit apprehensive of the next steps, as I was before each of the previous steps, but by now I know I will be ready when the time comes. The order of the steps seems pretty well-structured, I'd say :) Best wishes to you, I'd say there's no rush at all, no pressure. I don't fear doing the steps anymore, I hope you won't as well!
SerenityRUS said
Jun 12, 2017
Please please please .. have a sponsor before attempting a step 4 because I don't know about you however I am my own worst enemy when it comes to would have, could have, should have's and a 4th is not about beating myself up .. which you have discovered .. have someone walk you through it .. HUGE!!!! I really do recommend a solid 1,2,3 before going into the 4th for anyone .. if you do not have something bigger than yourself to move into .. it's the worst. It's a foundation of I can't, HP can, I will let HP .. that is huge when working the 4th for those who do not have an HP I do not know the ends and the outs of it.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Jun 12, 2017
Great share and awareness Westman.....what you discovered about your thinking process lines up with mine too. What the program helped me figure out was that same thinking process was 'ever-present'. If/when things went different than planned, my mind/projections rarely if ever were positive. I projected gloom/doom at work, at home, at the gas station and more. I didn't always react on it, but my thinking patterns were not positive.
For me, it is important to work the steps in order. I do suggest a sponsor but if you haven't found one, a temporary is better than not. I've also done step work in small groups. Any method that helps you keep moving towards recovery is a good thing!
maryjane said
Jun 12, 2017
Hi Westman,
I approached the steps by saying, "who am I? who do I want to be? how do I get there?" And I did it in small group setting. It was great getting everyone's opinion of situations instantly and being able to reflect on what was being discussed, especially not beating ourselves up because we were trying to survive a difficult life.
Take care of yourself.
MissM said
Jun 12, 2017
As most of us, I also approached it with great trepidation. Nowdays I see that i was so terribly afraid of myself that I was just terrified of what I might find if I really looked in the mirror. Nothing could really have prepared me for what happened when I actually decided to have a go (and at the outset, I still thought it was going to be an agonising journey through guilt and shame). (Sounds like clickbait doesn't it...."she decided to do a step 4....you won't believe what happened next..."
But I was determined to be gentle with myself, not because I really cared about me (then) but because I figured my child only had one present parent, and if I broke me, she'd really have nothing. So I decided to approach it thus- I imagined I was someone else, having a big deep chat with a new friend. I imagined how I would feel about that person if they were to tell me all of the things I was keeping hidden inside; would I judge or scorn them or would I understand? What would I like about them? Would I be more focused on their confessed "sins of the past" or on the person that they were? I realised, gasp, I'd like me, actually. Probably quite a lot. We've so much in common...lol So the result, for me, was basically like meeting myself for the first time and discovering a new best friend. Nothing was unforgivable, or even that big of a deal. I was able to shed so many self-destructive habits after that first step 4 because i was no longer trying to avoid seeing this "awful person" that I assumed I was.
So, as much as fear is natural when you start this part of the journey, honestly, it really is a journey with a really cool destination at the other end (even if there is a little bit of turbulence along the way).
I echo needing a pretty solid steps 1-3 beneath you to build on though... I tried getting straight into it a few times and just hurt myself before I started to work the steps in the order they have been written and realised, yeah, there is a reason!!
shrnp said
Jun 13, 2017
Westman,
Recovery takes time and it is great that you have started working on the steps. I think for step four to be effective you have to be ready to do a moral inventory of yourself. Many people come to AA and Alanon in an emergency state. Where the first step is true that our lives had become unmanageable because of alcoholism or drug addiction. I came to both AA and Alanon is desperation because of serious things that were causing my life to be totally screwed up at that time. I believe that the desperate state gave me the willingness to make that moral inventory. I knew something had to change for my life to become normal again.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I did notice you say something about the critical inner voices, I have them too. It is hard to shut them off and it is important to value yourself. I have made list of my good qualities before when I was having a hard time with my A ex-bf. Alanon urges people to make gratitude lists. You can balance the program with learning new things about yourself while understanding that you already have good qualities.
I've not started working the steps yet. As I've read and heard them talked about at meetings I have been anxious about the 4th step and what that will be like. This morning I was reading "How Al-Anon Works" and the descriptions of the steps. I had thought the step was basically going to be about making a list of what a terrible person I am all the time or something like that. I get plenty of that already from my critical inner voices. As I read it became clearer that a moral inventory will also include strengths not just weaknesses. My anxiety is reduced and I'm reminded that this is why I need to be living more in the now and not trying to do a not-fully-understood step in my head to prepare for some future pain that might not even be real.
-- Edited by WestMan on Monday 12th of June 2017 12:33:59 PM
Great awareness.West man That is a great book I too dreaded the 4th Step in the beginning until it was explained to me that alanon is a self acceptance program and all i am doing with the steps is looking within to see what I am doing that might hurt myself. That helped me proceed.
The very best way I had of working the 4th was with my sponsorship that had worked their own with sponsorship. I've done 6 of them each one more searching, fearless and moral because....I lacked experience and found I had a nature to hid from anything that attacked my ego and pride which was the very last 4th step result...EGO...EASING GOD OUT. My sponsor left me with doing the opposite of EGO or OGE...OFFERING GOD ENTRY. Isn't this program magical? Let us know how it comes out for you. (((Hugs)))
Hugs S :)
For me, it is important to work the steps in order. I do suggest a sponsor but if you haven't found one, a temporary is better than not. I've also done step work in small groups. Any method that helps you keep moving towards recovery is a good thing!
I approached the steps by saying, "who am I? who do I want to be? how do I get there?" And I did it in small group setting. It was great getting everyone's opinion of situations instantly and being able to reflect on what was being discussed, especially not beating ourselves up because we were trying to survive a difficult life.
Take care of yourself.
As most of us, I also approached it with great trepidation. Nowdays I see that i was so terribly afraid of myself that I was just terrified of what I might find if I really looked in the mirror.
Nothing could really have prepared me for what happened when I actually decided to have a go (and at the outset, I still thought it was going to be an agonising journey through guilt and shame). (Sounds like clickbait doesn't it...."she decided to do a step 4....you won't believe what happened next..."
But I was determined to be gentle with myself, not because I really cared about me (then) but because I figured my child only had one present parent, and if I broke me, she'd really have nothing. So I decided to approach it thus- I imagined I was someone else, having a big deep chat with a new friend. I imagined how I would feel about that person if they were to tell me all of the things I was keeping hidden inside; would I judge or scorn them or would I understand? What would I like about them? Would I be more focused on their confessed "sins of the past" or on the person that they were? I realised, gasp, I'd like me, actually. Probably quite a lot. We've so much in common...lol
So the result, for me, was basically like meeting myself for the first time and discovering a new best friend. Nothing was unforgivable, or even that big of a deal. I was able to shed so many self-destructive habits after that first step 4 because i was no longer trying to avoid seeing this "awful person" that I assumed I was.
So, as much as fear is natural when you start this part of the journey, honestly, it really is a journey with a really cool destination at the other end (even if there is a little bit of turbulence along the way).
I echo needing a pretty solid steps 1-3 beneath you to build on though... I tried getting straight into it a few times and just hurt myself before I started to work the steps in the order they have been written and realised, yeah, there is a reason!!
Recovery takes time and it is great that you have started working on the steps. I think for step four to be effective you have to be ready to do a moral inventory of yourself. Many people come to AA and Alanon in an emergency state. Where the first step is true that our lives had become unmanageable because of alcoholism or drug addiction. I came to both AA and Alanon is desperation because of serious things that were causing my life to be totally screwed up at that time. I believe that the desperate state gave me the willingness to make that moral inventory. I knew something had to change for my life to become normal again.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I did notice you say something about the critical inner voices, I have them too. It is hard to shut them off and it is important to value yourself. I have made list of my good qualities before when I was having a hard time with my A ex-bf. Alanon urges people to make gratitude lists. You can balance the program with learning new things about yourself while understanding that you already have good qualities.