Hello all! Although I read the posts daily, I haven't written one in awhile.
I can see that being physically sober only is not enough. AH had surgery and has not had alcohol for almost one month. He looks so much better! He is losing his "gut" and jowly face. His eyes are clear, his complexion is good and he just looks SO MUCH BETTER. That's about it. HaHa. His personality without recovery is pretty much the same.....argumentative, critical, derogatory without an actual recovery program to go with it. I know as soon as he can, he will be back to drinking.....he can't wait and he will tell you that.
So, unless it is a recovery on all aspects of one's life, there won't be much difference. It is sad and actually really sad, because I can't blame his caustic personality on alcohol! It's the him that needs help to banish his demons.
I am trying to detach and concentrate on me......some days/moments it is soooooo tough!
Have a wonderful weekend....finally really great here in western NY.
El
SerenityRUS said
Jun 9, 2017
Hugs E!,
I think that goes with my defunct thinking of if only he would stop drinking everything else would be fine .. the drinking is only the tip of the iceberg and until that is addressed the personality stays the same and that's what I heard around the tables from other RA's.
It helps so much to take that focus off of the if only's and place it back on me and my choices .. it is so hard to do sometimes.
Thanks for the reminder :)
Iamhere said
Jun 9, 2017
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way El - I can relate to what you share. We too have marvelous weather here - NY is typically 2-4 days behind us! This is our last 80(s) day - tomorrow, it's supposed to get officially hot - 90(s) and more! Enjoying a real spring here - have not had one really the last few years!
Hang in there!
El said
Jun 9, 2017
Yes, our 80s start tomorrow and 90+ Mon and Tues. We have NOT had a spring! Rain, high winds, shoreline erosions, it's been a mess. I am 5 min from Lake Ontario.....the poor people that live along the shore are actually losing their homes to high lake levels / flooding. Happy for sunshine and clear skies!
Hugs - El
Iamhere said
Jun 9, 2017
Oh....that's too bad! We actually had a decent spring - gradual temperature increases vs. going from winter to summer heat. We've had a ton of rain but I've not been affected. I am one who does believe that we (humans, unintentionally) are affected our Earth and that the climate is changing - not sure why! Hope you all enjoy some dry days and way less destruction.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!!
el-cee said
Jun 10, 2017
Maybe there is still lessons for both of you. If he's belligerent and argumentative what are you doing for you about this? What I mean is are you arguing back? Or ignoring him? Or reacting in some way? If so this ensures it happens again. It's like you give him what he wants and needs to continue in the same way. His bad behaviour belongs to him but alcoholics are cunning and want you to join in become part of so therefore the bad behaviour is the norm and so justified. The disease thrives in this set up. Look at detachment leaflet. He's not badly behaved because he's bad. He's badly behaved through his disease, fear and pain based. You don't ever have to suffer from it. Ever. Use your body to show him how to treat you. If an argument begins tell him you will talk later when he feels better and leave the room. Never sit and listen to the crap your encouraging it every time. Looking inside to see why you put up with unacceptable behaviour is vital. For me it was because I was full of fear and I had a deep rooted belief that I could make him see. I also had an attachment to being right so I would listen to the crap and know I'm so right and I loved that. Well my ego did. Thanks for sharing.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 10th of June 2017 02:55:18 AM
Bo said
Jun 10, 2017
El wrote:
Hello all! Although I read the posts daily, I haven't written one in awhile.
I can see that being physically sober only is not enough. AH had surgery and has not had alcohol for almost one month. He looks so much better! He is losing his "gut" and jowly face. His eyes are clear, his complexion is good and he just looks SO MUCH BETTER. That's about it. HaHa. His personality without recovery is pretty much the same.....argumentative, critical, derogatory without an actual recovery program to go with it. I know as soon as he can, he will be back to drinking.....he can't wait and he will tell you that.
So, unless it is a recovery on all aspects of one's life, there won't be much difference. It is sad and actually really sad, because I can't blame his caustic personality on alcohol! It's the him that needs help to banish his demons.
I am trying to detach and concentrate on me......some days/moments it is soooooo tough!
Have a wonderful weekend....finally really great here in western NY.
El
He has the 'ism's...and I've long heard people talk about them. I've long heard people talking about the difference -- the massive difference -- between an alcoholic who is not drinking (dry) vs. an alcoholic who is in recovery. Night and day. Black and white. And so on.
Thank you for posting...and I so glad you have the awareness and a healthy perspective.
shrnp said
Jun 10, 2017
El,
My A ex-bf has been sober for almost six months and he looks so much younger than he did when he was drinking. He has been in a better mood more so after the months have gone by than when he first stopped. He did move and has tried to change his people, places, and things. He does not have children or a spouse so that was easy for him to do.
Hello all! Although I read the posts daily, I haven't written one in awhile.
I can see that being physically sober only is not enough. AH had surgery and has not had alcohol for almost one month. He looks so much better! He is losing his "gut" and jowly face. His eyes are clear, his complexion is good and he just looks SO MUCH BETTER. That's about it. HaHa. His personality without recovery is pretty much the same.....argumentative, critical, derogatory without an actual recovery program to go with it. I know as soon as he can, he will be back to drinking.....he can't wait and he will tell you that.
So, unless it is a recovery on all aspects of one's life, there won't be much difference. It is sad and actually really sad, because I can't blame his caustic personality on alcohol! It's the him that needs help to banish his demons.
I am trying to detach and concentrate on me......some days/moments it is soooooo tough!
Have a wonderful weekend....finally really great here in western NY.
El
I think that goes with my defunct thinking of if only he would stop drinking everything else would be fine .. the drinking is only the tip of the iceberg and until that is addressed the personality stays the same and that's what I heard around the tables from other RA's.
It helps so much to take that focus off of the if only's and place it back on me and my choices .. it is so hard to do sometimes.
Thanks for the reminder :)
Hang in there!
Yes, our 80s start tomorrow and 90+ Mon and Tues. We have NOT had a spring! Rain, high winds, shoreline erosions, it's been a mess. I am 5 min from Lake Ontario.....the poor people that live along the shore are actually losing their homes to high lake levels / flooding. Happy for sunshine and clear skies!
Hugs - El
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!!
Maybe there is still lessons for both of you. If he's belligerent and argumentative what are you doing for you about this? What I mean is are you arguing back? Or ignoring him? Or reacting in some way? If so this ensures it happens again. It's like you give him what he wants and needs to continue in the same way. His bad behaviour belongs to him but alcoholics are cunning and want you to join in become part of so therefore the bad behaviour is the norm and so justified. The disease thrives in this set up. Look at detachment leaflet. He's not badly behaved because he's bad. He's badly behaved through his disease, fear and pain based. You don't ever have to suffer from it. Ever. Use your body to show him how to treat you. If an argument begins tell him you will talk later when he feels better and leave the room. Never sit and listen to the crap your encouraging it every time. Looking inside to see why you put up with unacceptable behaviour is vital. For me it was because I was full of fear and I had a deep rooted belief that I could make him see. I also had an attachment to being right so I would listen to the crap and know I'm so right and I loved that. Well my ego did. Thanks for sharing.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 10th of June 2017 02:55:18 AM
He has the 'ism's...and I've long heard people talk about them. I've long heard people talking about the difference -- the massive difference -- between an alcoholic who is not drinking (dry) vs. an alcoholic who is in recovery. Night and day. Black and white. And so on.
Thank you for posting...and I so glad you have the awareness and a healthy perspective.
My A ex-bf has been sober for almost six months and he looks so much younger than he did when he was drinking. He has been in a better mood more so after the months have gone by than when he first stopped. He did move and has tried to change his people, places, and things. He does not have children or a spouse so that was easy for him to do.