Hello all. I am new to this board but not new to the program. I found this site looking for online meetings that I might attend while recovering from surgery.
I was reading suggestions on how to converse with the addict in a helpful way and here is a statement that I don't really understand: " In conversations with the addict, ask questions designed to create that doubt and get the addict thinking."
What would some examples of those kind of questions be?
Jerry F said
Jun 8, 2017
Welcome to the board Jaybee. I would ask the poster that question and also ask them what their intention for it was. Why they were asking that question and what their motive was for an answer. Depending upon also the degree of addiction and the physical, mental and emotional consequences the practice might be very unproductive and maybe harmful. Why are you interested in it?....((((Hugs))))
Jaybee said
Jun 8, 2017
Thanks for the welcome! The excerpt came from an article on how to help the meth addict. I think the purpose of the question is to plant a seed so that the addict will think about his/her lifestyle but I can't think of a question that would fit the bill.
hotrod said
Jun 8, 2017
In alanon we believe that we are powerless over people, places and things. We attempt to focus on ourselves and ask ourselves the questions instead of the suffering addict as the addict is usually full of doubt and fear as it is Creating doubt in someone who is not using is easy such as:"Where do you see yourself in 10 years? What job will pay you enough to afford to continue this life style? Face to face meetings of naranon would be helpful
Iamhere said
Jun 8, 2017
Welcome to MIP Jay Bee - glad you found us and glad that you shared! Hope your recovery goes super fast and you are up/running soon!
In my own experience, asking question - almost any - was received badly. There is denial and avoidance with addiction, and my questions were 'heard' as nosiness, prying, controlling, etc.
I tend to have better results after working the program in using I statements when I have a want/need. They can be as easy as I am going to bed now...I am tired. I am processing. I am concerned for you....
Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone!
Bo said
Jun 9, 2017
Jaybee wrote:
Hello all. I am new to this board but not new to the program. I found this site looking for online meetings that I might attend while recovering from surgery. I was reading suggestions on how to converse with the addict in a helpful way and here is a statement that I don't really understand: " In conversations with the addict, ask questions designed to create that doubt and get the addict thinking." What would some examples of those kind of questions be?
Welcome...so, here's my take...and you should take what you like and leave the rest...
It is very, very difficult to communicate and engage with an addict who is intoxicated, under the influence, drunk, etc. What I think is more important is -- to check your motives. Why do you want, really and truly want, talk to the addict while they are under the influence? Be completely open and honest. I think you'll find you want to talk to them because you want to get them to stop et al.
Also, about speaking with them when they are not under the influence -- get them thinking? Create doubt? It sounds like trying to prove a point, be right, get them to stop, etc., in a somewhat covert, manipulative way. I tried that. I tried everything. Neither worked. Getting them to think could be a good thing, but I think it is still trying to apply logic to an illogical person. Even when my wife was sober and came to me -- and she wanted to talk -- and said I've had enough, never again, I won't do this ever again, and so on. End result -- no matter what I said or didn't say, her words were never followed up or congruent with her actions. She didn't run to the phone to call a rehab place. She didn't run to an AA or NA meeting.
Just my experience.
shrnp said
Jun 9, 2017
The statement sounds like something that is meant for a therapist or rehab specialist. Alanon is based on the AA program and it is for the self not for treating others.
Bo said
Jun 9, 2017
shrnp wrote:
The statement sounds like something that is meant for a therapist or rehab specialist. Alanon is based on the AA program and it is for the self not for treating others.
Didn't think about it that way, but I absolutely agree. Al-Anon is about taking care of, focusing on, making change, and healing...yourself.
My experience, no matter how honest I was, when speaking with my AW, my motives were there. Somewhere. Sometimes deep down inside, sometimes right out there. LOL. Asking those types of questions can be for who knows how many reasons. Sure, get them to think. But you are powerless. They have to want it, THEM. Not me. Or, it can be me forcing my will. Lightly, and covertly, but still the same. It could be me trying to show them, make a point, prove a point, and so on. Nope, not me.
I've never had a meaningful, logical, completely open and honest conversation with an addict or alcoholic who was: a) under the influence, or, b) dry, or, c) not in recovery
I've had some very nice, connected conversations with my AW, but they were conversations with an addict. That element, the 'ism's are still there. There was not 100% honesty there...and eventually, her actions did not match her words. That's OK though...because I got better. She did, in her own way, but I got better.
Bo said
Jun 9, 2017
I always, always, always like the check your motives approach.
shrnp said
Jun 10, 2017
I think the power of an outsider can make someone think more sometimes than a significant other. I do not talk to my ex-husband very often but when I do he always has to say something like, "well you know how you are." Then once he says that phrase I pretty much tune him out and get off the phone. That has nothing to do with drinking but it would be hard for him to get me to think about anything since he is my ex-spouse anyway. He probably knows how I am but I am still not going to listen. Then it would turn into me telling him how he is, and the point of having a conversation is gone. That is why AA or Alanon are helpful because people are not in your immediate family or circle of friends.
-- Edited by shrnp on Saturday 10th of June 2017 12:59:40 PM
Welcome to the board Jaybee. I would ask the poster that question and also ask them what their intention for it was. Why they were asking that question and what their motive was for an answer. Depending upon also the degree of addiction and the physical, mental and emotional consequences the practice might be very unproductive and maybe harmful. Why are you interested in it?....((((Hugs))))
In alanon we believe that we are powerless over people, places and things. We attempt to focus on ourselves and ask ourselves the questions instead of the suffering addict as the addict is usually full of doubt and fear as it is
Creating doubt in someone who is not using is easy such as:"Where do you see yourself in 10 years? What job will pay you enough to afford to continue this life style?
Face to face meetings of naranon would be helpful
In my own experience, asking question - almost any - was received badly. There is denial and avoidance with addiction, and my questions were 'heard' as nosiness, prying, controlling, etc.
I tend to have better results after working the program in using I statements when I have a want/need. They can be as easy as I am going to bed now...I am tired. I am processing. I am concerned for you....
Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone!
Welcome...so, here's my take...and you should take what you like and leave the rest...
It is very, very difficult to communicate and engage with an addict who is intoxicated, under the influence, drunk, etc. What I think is more important is -- to check your motives. Why do you want, really and truly want, talk to the addict while they are under the influence? Be completely open and honest. I think you'll find you want to talk to them because you want to get them to stop et al.
Also, about speaking with them when they are not under the influence -- get them thinking? Create doubt? It sounds like trying to prove a point, be right, get them to stop, etc., in a somewhat covert, manipulative way. I tried that. I tried everything. Neither worked. Getting them to think could be a good thing, but I think it is still trying to apply logic to an illogical person. Even when my wife was sober and came to me -- and she wanted to talk -- and said I've had enough, never again, I won't do this ever again, and so on. End result -- no matter what I said or didn't say, her words were never followed up or congruent with her actions. She didn't run to the phone to call a rehab place. She didn't run to an AA or NA meeting.
Just my experience.
Didn't think about it that way, but I absolutely agree. Al-Anon is about taking care of, focusing on, making change, and healing...yourself.
My experience, no matter how honest I was, when speaking with my AW, my motives were there. Somewhere. Sometimes deep down inside, sometimes right out there. LOL. Asking those types of questions can be for who knows how many reasons. Sure, get them to think. But you are powerless. They have to want it, THEM. Not me. Or, it can be me forcing my will. Lightly, and covertly, but still the same. It could be me trying to show them, make a point, prove a point, and so on. Nope, not me.
I've never had a meaningful, logical, completely open and honest conversation with an addict or alcoholic who was: a) under the influence, or, b) dry, or, c) not in recovery
I've had some very nice, connected conversations with my AW, but they were conversations with an addict. That element, the 'ism's are still there. There was not 100% honesty there...and eventually, her actions did not match her words. That's OK though...because I got better. She did, in her own way, but I got better.
I always, always, always like the check your motives approach.
I think the power of an outsider can make someone think more sometimes than a significant other. I do not talk to my ex-husband very often but when I do he always has to say something like, "well you know how you are." Then once he says that phrase I pretty much tune him out and get off the phone. That has nothing to do with drinking but it would be hard for him to get me to think about anything since he is my ex-spouse anyway. He probably knows how I am but I am still not going to listen. Then it would turn into me telling him how he is, and the point of having a conversation is gone. That is why AA or Alanon are helpful because people are not in your immediate family or circle of friends.
-- Edited by shrnp on Saturday 10th of June 2017 12:59:40 PM