Help. New to this group, haven't been to local meeting yet. Feeling lost and sad and anxious.
augrads said
Jun 8, 2017
Hi. I found this site when I was looking for someone to talk to at this crazy hour of the night. I know I need to let go and work on me, but I am terrified of losing my husband and our life together. He's an alcoholic. Has been for as long as I have known him (we will have been married for 20 years in September). He finally admitted to having a problem about a year and a half ago. He went to an outpatient therapy program. He has been sporadically going to AA meetings. He went 6 months without having a drink. But I know tonight he was drinking again. He took out $300 from our account and spent it at a bar. Not sure if it was all him or him buying random people drinks....or even flirting and buying drinks. It's the same old story. I am hopeful that he will conquer this disease, but it is just torturous to me. We both travel for work. He doesn't have any issues with drinking when he is at home (or traveling with me). It's when he travels alone that he has issues. We were supposed to talk on the phone at 10pm tonight, but instead, he went to the bar. He texted me saying that he was back in the hotel at 1:15am. So I have been a nervous wreck for the last 3 hours worrying about him. Crying, shaking. I feel like I have talked to my friends so much that they just don't want to hear it anymore. I feel helpless and lost. Is there a place (chat room or something) that anyone knows of that is active late at night? I need support when I am traveling and he is up to no good. The only way I have found to get my mind off of it and sleep is to take a Xanax and go to bed. Any words of advice that anyone who has been there can offer? I need a friend (and a hug).
L
Dancingintherain said
Jun 8, 2017
I know I can't help you, but I just wanted to let you know someone is thinking of you. HUGS to you.
milkwood said
Jun 8, 2017
Hello Augrads,
Welcome to MIP
I'm so sorry you are going through this and your experience resonates with me since I used to travel halfway round the world for work and would wake up at 2am with jet lag, feeling lonely and them imagining what might be going on at home - it was a ghastly combination.
I've learnt so much in AlAnon about looking after myself and these days when I travel I book myself a massage so my body feels more relaxed. It seems to me that my mind eases up a bit when I take good care of myself!
I also exhausted my friends and would feel guilty that I wasn't a happier person to be around. There was a part of me that really wanted to show them how much I enjoyed their company and to have a laugh but part of my dis-ease was the endless recital of things that were hurting me as well. That is one of the reasons why I love this site - we can all relate and understand when we need to just vent and let off steam.
You are not alone and getting to an Al Anon meeting will help you to realise that we do have choices, we don't have to feel miserable because of a loved one's drinking - it is hard to believe I know, but sooooo worth exploring!
A couple of tricks I used to use in the wee small hours to calm myself....
I would think of the three best things of my day - and they were always there for me in one form or another, perhaps the cat purring, or a rainbow, or a child smiling or taking the time to paint my nails....
Another was to imagine the smiles of people who I love in my life - this even included my dog! I would imagine them looking at me and smiling and even pictured a beautiful location for us all, filled with my favourite scent. After thinking about this for twenty minutes I associated a colour and a shape with the memories and then, whenever I felt anxious I would say to myself 'blue triangle' and I could feel my body relax. I guess it is a form of self hypnosis, but it worked for me.
It took some discipline on my part to stop those racing thoughts, I literally had to tell myself to shut up for a while! But there is often a reason for why we feel anxious so sometimes I found it was worth giving myself ten minutes to really on what was causing me pain, what, if anything I could do about it (and if I couldn't change something myself I would set it to one side). Then I'd go and bake a cake or do something that I felt positive about.
Keep reading here and keep posting.... I think you might find lots that resonates for you and I hope that it helps you to realise that you are not alone. All our journey's are unique, but we all share striking similarities as well.
There is a chat room button on the menu bar above by the way...
I'm glad you found us. ((((Hugs))))
hotrod said
Jun 8, 2017
Living with the disease of alcoholism is dreadful and I would like to assure you that you are not alone. Alanon face to face meetings held in most communities (even when you travel) are a great help There is literature available that you can use during times like this and telphone lists for you to use when in need.
Alcoholism is a chronic progressive, fatal disease which you did not cause , cannot control and cannot cure. The best you can do is to seek recovery for yourself
Keep coming back
Cammi45 said
Jun 8, 2017
Hello and hugs to you! I struggled for years wondering if my husband was an alcoholic. I now realize when looking back that some of the behavior I was remembering was not "normal" behavior. I know in my heart that my husband is an alcoholic. He is so sweet and kind when he isn't drinking and I love being around him. When he drinks too much, however, he plays mind games with me and makes me feel as if I'm going crazy. He will pick arguments when he's drinking, and I find that I am trying to control the situation way too much right now. I am where you are at in the sense that I have not attended a meeting yet, but I know that I probably need to. I have to learn how to let him go and work on myself and making "me" happy. Maybe an online meeting would be the way to start for both you and me. A big hug from me to you! Know you're not alone. Keep coming back. There are so many caring people on here who give great advice and know what you're going through!
Stan1 said
Jun 8, 2017
Good morning everyone and welcome to MIP Aug rads and Cammie. Alcoholism is a cunning and painful disease that you didn't cause, cannot cure and cannot control. Like those before me who shared their ESH (experience, strength and hope) I agree Al-Anon is the best place for those affected by another's drinking. I find the program literature very comforting, especially when travelling or when my mind is too busy to sleep. My 2 favorites are the Baby blue ODAT and CTC, that are available at F2F meetings as well as other program approved literature. Online meetings, chat and literature are also available. Thank you for sharing and please keep coming back!
Skorpi said
Jun 8, 2017
Welcome, Augrads.
I found my way to MIP one night when I felt that I had nowhere else to turn. It was late, I'd already bored my family and friends with the topic, and they didn't know why I didn't just leave. I felt utterly alone.
One thing I have found about MIP, is that someone almost always writes back within a few hours, and in the meantime, there is a wealth of posts to read through.
It took me a while to find a face-to-face group, and now I seek them out when I am traveling.
I have found that AlAnon is a great place to share my thoughts and feelings, because people here understand the ups and downs of living with an active alcoholic and an alcoholic in recovery. I find affirmation for my experience, and I know that I am not alone.
I hope you keep coming back to MIP, and find a face-to-face group as well. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Iamhere said
Jun 8, 2017
Augrads and Dancing - I too send warm welcomes to you both. I am sorry for the insanity brought by the disease and send you tons of hugs, positive thoughts and prayers.
As others have suggested, you are not alone. I found hope and help in Al-Anon meetings and recovery. My hope for you both is to find local meetings, tons of support and help. Please keep coming back here too - you are among many who do understand. (((Hugs)))
-- Edited by Iamhere on Thursday 8th of June 2017 07:53:42 AM
_bunny_ said
Jun 8, 2017
Welcome ((augrads)) ((Dancingintherain)) ((Cammi45))! Al-Anon is a spiritual program that can bring us peace and serenity if we work it. It is suggested we "detach with love" from our qualifiers, this means we find compassion for our loved one, which in turn rids us of anger, worry, resentment, anxiety etc..so we can focus on ourselves. Reading the literature and listening to podcasts helped me a ton when I'm anxious. Glad you're here, keep coming back.
augrads said
Jun 8, 2017
This detaching just feels like I have to choose between allowing the activity or divorcing. Neither seems like a win for me. I love him with all my heart and things are great when he isn't traveling. But he can't NOT travel and keep his job. And when he travels he puts me last and the lies start and the late nights start and he has been arrested, blown thousands over the years, and had numerous affairs (which seem to have stopped since he identified being an alcoholic). But when he's home, I couldn't ask for a better husband or father for our kids. I want him to wake up and fight for all we have--and sometimes he does. Other times (like last night), seem emotionally abusive and just awful.
I'm planning a meeting tomorrow night when I'm back home--which is a huge, scary step for me. I just don't know how detaching resolves all my fears.
Thanks for the support!
L
Cammi45 said
Jun 8, 2017
Augrads I too have wondered how detaching will help me since it still allows for it to happen. All I know is that I can't go on the way it has been, because I feel as if I'm going insane. I get emotionally exhausted from trying to control my A, and my anxiety is sky high. I watch him drink and I cringe, wondering why he feels the need to have so much in one night. I am always thankful when I am able to get him to go to bed and not have to worry about him coming in at night stumbling around. This all drives me crazy, but I can't seem to control my worries and anxiety. I have been reading alanon literature but know I have to eventually find a meeting or one online. I guess for my own personal well being I need to find a way to let go and give it all to my HP, which I have not been able to do on my own. My husband, too, is a wonderful person when he is sober. He is a great dad and loves me. I don't question this. I can just feel myself being more and more affected by the drinking. I think when we start feeling the effects we need to start paying attention to the signs and take better care of ourselves. Good luck to you-I am right there with you just beginning this journey.
WestMan said
Jun 8, 2017
Hello hugs (((Augrads))). I can definitely relate to you scratching your head over the whole detaching question. I often feel like its a choice between divorce or accepting the unacceptable. But with the help of Al Anon I am quickly realizing that I am not seeing things clearly. Yes, unhealthy behavior continues. But, I also have been doing my part to make things difficult without realizing it. I still have a lot of knots to untangle.
augrads said
Jun 8, 2017
I just don't see a good option with either--divorce or accepting the unacceptable. And I'm not sure how me breaking away would make things harder. He was the one who wanted to break away 6 yrs ago when he asked for a divorce (prior to admitting he was an alcoholic). It just seems like I'm giving him everything he wants. Freedom to do as he wishes without having me to watch over his shoulder. Sounds like a win-win for him and a lose-lose for me. Somewhere in there, I gain the ability to sleep at night without medication ---but I've lost my husband. If I had to pick, I'd take broken him over the other option. :(
T84 said
Jun 8, 2017
Augrads, I am currently detached from my AW. This was not my decision; it was a forced detachment as she is currently in jail on another DUI. She has been gone almost two months. With readings, meetings, and this website, I am starting to see things a little more clearly. Realizing that lifestyle is not normal, not sustainable, at least not for me. Not being neck deep in the chaos, has allowed me a chance to breathe and reevaluate my own life choices. That constant fear of what will she do next is not there. Not sure what tomorrow will bring, but today is peaceful and I am enjoying the serenity of the day.
Keep reading, attend meetings and read all this site has to offer!
Enigmatic said
Jun 8, 2017
Welcome augrads, glad you found us
In your opening, you asked for "words of advice" from those who have 'been there'. You received some helpful comments above, but none, I noticed, in the form of common advice: "you should do this", or "not do that", and that is with loving intent. You'll likely hear this also at a meeting when you go, and in any AlAnon publications, that AlAnon suggests that members avoid giving direct advice to others.
I say with loving intent because we certainly care enough to want to help, as all here have suffered from the effects of alcohol in a friend or family member. We cannot, however, know all the details of the situation and what is best to do specifically.
We do know what did help each of us in general terms: attending meetings, reading about AlAnon principles and tools in the publications and coming to clarity and important realizations for ourselves with the support of fellow members. We often call this our experience, strength, and hope (ESH): our experience using the AlAnon principles and tools in a way that brought us strength and hope despite the challenges we experienced involving drinking in someone we care about.
Perhaps you were just seeking responses and not advice per se, but in either case we are just glad you found us! This is simply a characteristic of AlAnon that I was grateful to learn early on, as it helped me understand responses and reactions I first thought were evasive and lacked directness. I have come to appreciate the wisdom and kindness of this approach, and as others suggested above, I hope you keep coming back
Jayla said
Jun 8, 2017
Oh man Augrads and Cammi I am struggling so much with the same issues you brought up! Many many nights have been spent with my AH out drinking (not at a bar but at various friends' houses) leaving me home alone until 1 or 2 in the morning with our 3 kids. I also feel like there are no good options for me--divorce causes waaaaaaay more suffering for me and my children than it would for him (it would just free him up to party 24/7 while I have all the expenses and responsibilities) and I just don't know how to detach from the possible (probable) infidelity that is going on. It's a terrible place to be stuck. I totally understand sitting at home (or wherever pure stuck) with the A not coming home and the anxiety going up and up. I haven't figured out what to do in my situation yet but Al Anon does help. Detachment is not the only principle of Al Anon. I'll look for you in the chat rooms sometime. I often come here and read posts when I'm feeling anxious but forget about the chat room.
Jerry F said
Jun 8, 2017
Aloha Augrads and Dancing in the rain and welcome to the family who knows and knows that they know what you are going thru as our memories are clear and vivid of what it use to be like, what we found out and what it is like now. The degree of understanding and compassion here is wide and deep and free for the use and when I read I also hear an early suggestion from my first face to face meeting, "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" and I was just looking for help not specifically to stop my wife from drinking and using but for us to just continue getting together and loving without all of the chaos and almost fatal outcomes.
The fellowship was and is still gold...I have never met another member who refused to help me with their ESH and I can tell you I asked so very many members to help me out. The consequence was that it saved my sanity and then my life. I've been in recovery since 2/8/1979 and know what miracles are because my Higher Power has allowed me my share of them and more. I also get to see many others collect their miracles also which causes so much delight.
You have received suggestions about face to face meeting as we have as that is apart of our collective ESH. We also knw what questioning and second guessing strange and new suggestions and the pain that comes from attempting to trust what we continue to practice that hasn't worked in the past. "Making the same choices over and over again expecting different results" is the definition of INSANITY for many of us until we commit to doing something different and trusting what works with and for others.
Sorry for your condition and sad with you as I still know how that feels.
One of the early things that worked for me was laying in bed at night and with free imagination feeling helped/embraced as I slept by my higher power. That worked fast for me and my HP held my alcoholic/addict also. In love and compassion ((((hugs))))
Hi. I found this site when I was looking for someone to talk to at this crazy hour of the night. I know I need to let go and work on me, but I am terrified of losing my husband and our life together. He's an alcoholic. Has been for as long as I have known him (we will have been married for 20 years in September). He finally admitted to having a problem about a year and a half ago. He went to an outpatient therapy program. He has been sporadically going to AA meetings. He went 6 months without having a drink. But I know tonight he was drinking again. He took out $300 from our account and spent it at a bar. Not sure if it was all him or him buying random people drinks....or even flirting and buying drinks. It's the same old story. I am hopeful that he will conquer this disease, but it is just torturous to me. We both travel for work. He doesn't have any issues with drinking when he is at home (or traveling with me). It's when he travels alone that he has issues. We were supposed to talk on the phone at 10pm tonight, but instead, he went to the bar. He texted me saying that he was back in the hotel at 1:15am. So I have been a nervous wreck for the last 3 hours worrying about him. Crying, shaking. I feel like I have talked to my friends so much that they just don't want to hear it anymore. I feel helpless and lost. Is there a place (chat room or something) that anyone knows of that is active late at night? I need support when I am traveling and he is up to no good. The only way I have found to get my mind off of it and sleep is to take a Xanax and go to bed. Any words of advice that anyone who has been there can offer? I need a friend (and a hug).
L
Welcome to MIP
I'm so sorry you are going through this and your experience resonates with me since I used to travel halfway round the world for work and would wake up at 2am with jet lag, feeling lonely and them imagining what might be going on at home - it was a ghastly combination.
I've learnt so much in AlAnon about looking after myself and these days when I travel I book myself a massage so my body feels more relaxed. It seems to me that my mind eases up a bit when I take good care of myself!
I also exhausted my friends and would feel guilty that I wasn't a happier person to be around. There was a part of me that really wanted to show them how much I enjoyed their company and to have a laugh but part of my dis-ease was the endless recital of things that were hurting me as well. That is one of the reasons why I love this site - we can all relate and understand when we need to just vent and let off steam.
You are not alone and getting to an Al Anon meeting will help you to realise that we do have choices, we don't have to feel miserable because of a loved one's drinking - it is hard to believe I know, but sooooo worth exploring!
A couple of tricks I used to use in the wee small hours to calm myself....
I would think of the three best things of my day - and they were always there for me in one form or another, perhaps the cat purring, or a rainbow, or a child smiling or taking the time to paint my nails....
Another was to imagine the smiles of people who I love in my life - this even included my dog! I would imagine them looking at me and smiling and even pictured a beautiful location for us all, filled with my favourite scent. After thinking about this for twenty minutes I associated a colour and a shape with the memories and then, whenever I felt anxious I would say to myself 'blue triangle' and I could feel my body relax. I guess it is a form of self hypnosis, but it worked for me.
It took some discipline on my part to stop those racing thoughts, I literally had to tell myself to shut up for a while! But there is often a reason for why we feel anxious so sometimes I found it was worth giving myself ten minutes to really on what was causing me pain, what, if anything I could do about it (and if I couldn't change something myself I would set it to one side). Then I'd go and bake a cake or do something that I felt positive about.
Keep reading here and keep posting.... I think you might find lots that resonates for you and I hope that it helps you to realise that you are not alone. All our journey's are unique, but we all share striking similarities as well.
There is a chat room button on the menu bar above by the way...
I'm glad you found us. ((((Hugs))))
Living with the disease of alcoholism is dreadful and I would like to assure you that you are not alone. Alanon face to face meetings held in most communities (even when you travel) are a great help There is literature available that you can use during times like this and telphone lists for you to use when in need.
Alcoholism is a chronic progressive, fatal disease which you did not cause , cannot control and cannot cure. The best you can do is to seek recovery for yourself
Keep coming back
I found my way to MIP one night when I felt that I had nowhere else to turn. It was late, I'd already bored my family and friends with the topic, and they didn't know why I didn't just leave. I felt utterly alone.
One thing I have found about MIP, is that someone almost always writes back within a few hours, and in the meantime, there is a wealth of posts to read through.
It took me a while to find a face-to-face group, and now I seek them out when I am traveling.
I have found that AlAnon is a great place to share my thoughts and feelings, because people here understand the ups and downs of living with an active alcoholic and an alcoholic in recovery. I find affirmation for my experience, and I know that I am not alone.
I hope you keep coming back to MIP, and find a face-to-face group as well. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Augrads and Dancing - I too send warm welcomes to you both. I am sorry for the insanity brought by the disease and send you tons of hugs, positive thoughts and prayers.
As others have suggested, you are not alone. I found hope and help in Al-Anon meetings and recovery. My hope for you both is to find local meetings, tons of support and help. Please keep coming back here too - you are among many who do understand. (((Hugs)))
-- Edited by Iamhere on Thursday 8th of June 2017 07:53:42 AM
Augrads, I am currently detached from my AW. This was not my decision; it was a forced detachment as she is currently in jail on another DUI. She has been gone almost two months. With readings, meetings, and this website, I am starting to see things a little more clearly. Realizing that lifestyle is not normal, not sustainable, at least not for me. Not being neck deep in the chaos, has allowed me a chance to breathe and reevaluate my own life choices. That constant fear of what will she do next is not there. Not sure what tomorrow will bring, but today is peaceful and I am enjoying the serenity of the day.
Keep reading, attend meetings and read all this site has to offer!
In your opening, you asked for "words of advice" from those who have 'been there'. You received some helpful comments above, but none, I noticed, in the form of common advice: "you should do this", or "not do that", and that is with loving intent. You'll likely hear this also at a meeting when you go, and in any AlAnon publications, that AlAnon suggests that members avoid giving direct advice to others.
I say with loving intent because we certainly care enough to want to help, as all here have suffered from the effects of alcohol in a friend or family member. We cannot, however, know all the details of the situation and what is best to do specifically.
We do know what did help each of us in general terms: attending meetings, reading about AlAnon principles and tools in the publications and coming to clarity and important realizations for ourselves with the support of fellow members. We often call this our experience, strength, and hope (ESH): our experience using the AlAnon principles and tools in a way that brought us strength and hope despite the challenges we experienced involving drinking in someone we care about.
Perhaps you were just seeking responses and not advice per se, but in either case we are just glad you found us! This is simply a characteristic of AlAnon that I was grateful to learn early on, as it helped me understand responses and reactions I first thought were evasive and lacked directness. I have come to appreciate the wisdom and kindness of this approach, and as others suggested above, I hope you keep coming back
Aloha Augrads and Dancing in the rain and welcome to the family who knows and knows that they know what you are going thru as our memories are clear and vivid of what it use to be like, what we found out and what it is like now. The degree of understanding and compassion here is wide and deep and free for the use and when I read I also hear an early suggestion from my first face to face meeting, "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" and I was just looking for help not specifically to stop my wife from drinking and using but for us to just continue getting together and loving without all of the chaos and almost fatal outcomes.
The fellowship was and is still gold...I have never met another member who refused to help me with their ESH and I can tell you I asked so very many members to help me out. The consequence was that it saved my sanity and then my life. I've been in recovery since 2/8/1979 and know what miracles are because my Higher Power has allowed me my share of them and more. I also get to see many others collect their miracles also which causes so much delight.
You have received suggestions about face to face meeting as we have as that is apart of our collective ESH. We also knw what questioning and second guessing strange and new suggestions and the pain that comes from attempting to trust what we continue to practice that hasn't worked in the past. "Making the same choices over and over again expecting different results" is the definition of INSANITY for many of us until we commit to doing something different and trusting what works with and for others.
Sorry for your condition and sad with you as I still know how that feels.
One of the early things that worked for me was laying in bed at night and with free imagination feeling helped/embraced as I slept by my higher power. That worked fast for me and my HP held my alcoholic/addict also. In love and compassion ((((hugs))))