Need some serious ESH to get me thru this morning..... My AH and I have been separated for a year due to the chaos of his drinking in our lives. Over this past year he has not worked any program and with me and the kids go e he has been on a downward spiral...losing a job every 1-2 months. Long story short I have made a habit of freaking out and either begrudingly going along with the request to avoid confrontation or subconciously picking fights to avoid granting a request from him instead of just saying no. Though he's fresh off a new bender he's still not hit his bottom and continues to drink which he knows I dont approve of. I say approve because I made it clear how I feel about his drinking and the destruction its caused our family and also made it clear I want no parts of him when/while he does it. Needless to say if he comes by to visit me and the kids he know he needs to be sober or not come at all. Now he's asking if I would like to co.e with him to a friends get together (yes there will be drinking) and because I know he's not at a place where he will abstain I dont want to go. I feel that if I go (knowing this) that I will be a party to somethi g I told him that I am against. I may be doing what I do best by panicing over the "what if's" and by trying to avoid a certain outcome but Im not strong enough in the program to go with an open mind and heart right now...I know its not apprpriate to seek advice in alanon but really just need some serious ESH right now because he just texted me again (which immediately sent me in a panic while Im at work..smh) asking if I want to go and I havent responded yet
Freetime said
Jun 6, 2017
Hi, Hopeful -- I'm sorry you are feeling so anxious about this invitation.
My experience is that I have sometimes chosen not to go to an event because I was just not ready to handle it. For example, one year I did not attend any family Thanksgiving or Christmas get-togethers, and instead went out of town for a mini vacation by myself or to a friend's house. I did not explain myself, I just told people I was going to be away visiting a friend on those occasions (and after all I was learning how to be my own best friend . As far as I know, everyone who cared about me understood perfectly and I did not hear any bad feedback about it. It felt so good to be at peace instead of at a place where I would be constantly worried about other people's behavior.
My biggest learning from Al Anon is that I don't always have to say yes to other people's requests. Now when faced with choices like that I remember something I heard from an Al Anon friend: YAHOO = You Always Have Other Options.
Stan1 said
Jun 6, 2017
Hi hopeful, take a deep breath and a little time to absorb some shares. Although NO is a complete sentence I sometimes just said " I'm really not in the proper mindset to go this time, I 'll take a raincheck." I heard my RAH say this when we were invited to a function that was serving and he didn't feel strong enough. If you feel uncomfortable you wouldn't be going to please yourself you would be going to please another. Keep it Simple
shrnp said
Jun 6, 2017
Hello Hopefull,
It is alright to not have an answer right now, you can say you will think about it. If you do not feel comfortable going because of the drinking, just say that. You do not really owe him any other explanation besides what you have been telling him already.
Mattie said
Jun 6, 2017
It sounds as if he will be pushy about the party? They're pushy to see if they can get us to change. Once he sees that you'll keep saying "No thanks" no matter what he does, he'll turn his attention to something else. Keeping on giving the same answer is like a superpower, it's so encouraging to see how well it works. Hang in there!
Iamhere said
Jun 6, 2017
(((Hopeful))) - Breathe - just breathe. Find a small amount of peace and then give an answer. You have the right to decide when and if you want to go or not. Remember always that Yes and No are complete answers. It really does not matter what he's doing, saying, thinking or wanting - you get to decide what works best for you!
The serenity prayers helps me greatly when I've got a racing mind!
Hopefull15 said
Jun 6, 2017
Thank you all for the reminders...was finally able to get on the phone with my sponsor on my lunch hour and talked it through. While I'm gonna give it more thought and prayer, I may just decline the invitation. While I was talking with her I realized that I had excercised my right to opt out of a wedding invite with him a couple of months ago with abosolutely no hesitation (may have even been a little indignant in my response too Lol)but this time I didnt seem to be able to!!! (???).. Maybe because the previous invite was a family function and I did not want in anyway to give the impression that we were "together and happy" . This time it involves new people he's become friends with. While I am loooong overdue for some adult conversation/fun, I do feel like I would only be going to 'watch'' him and yes I do feel like he would also be using this as an opportunity to do the same with me!...to see if I'm going to cave and not be consistent in my actions which I know is a set up for disaster. ..who knows...what I will say is that this feeling is truly exhausting
SerenityRUS said
Jun 6, 2017
I think the thing I like and I wanted to add you can pause, pray and proceed there is no need to rush an answer .. ever. I have given myself permission to answer when I feel ready not when the other person demands I have an answer.
Hugs S :)
Bethany66 said
Jun 6, 2017
"I have given myself permission to answer when I feel ready not when the other person demands I have an answer. "
Me too Serenity! It is often met with hostility as I am not responding fast enough, but I don't care. To be true to myself and step out of the dance, I pause, consider and then state my truth without malice or anger in as calm and polite a tone as I can muster. That was a true gift from Al-Anon. I get to be clear. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
My experience is that I have sometimes chosen not to go to an event because I was just not ready to handle it. For example, one year I did not attend any family Thanksgiving or Christmas get-togethers, and instead went out of town for a mini vacation by myself or to a friend's house. I did not explain myself, I just told people I was going to be away visiting a friend on those occasions (and after all I was learning how to be my own best friend
My biggest learning from Al Anon is that I don't always have to say yes to other people's requests. Now when faced with choices like that I remember something I heard from an Al Anon friend: YAHOO = You Always Have Other Options.
It is alright to not have an answer right now, you can say you will think about it. If you do not feel comfortable going because of the drinking, just say that. You do not really owe him any other explanation besides what you have been telling him already.
It sounds as if he will be pushy about the party? They're pushy to see if they can get us to change. Once he sees that you'll keep saying "No thanks" no matter what he does, he'll turn his attention to something else. Keeping on giving the same answer is like a superpower, it's so encouraging to see how well it works. Hang in there!
The serenity prayers helps me greatly when I've got a racing mind!
Hugs S :)
Me too Serenity! It is often met with hostility as I am not responding fast enough, but I don't care. To be true to myself and step out of the dance, I pause, consider and then state my truth without malice or anger in as calm and polite a tone as I can muster. That was a true gift from Al-Anon. I get to be clear. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.